Monday, 19 November 2012
Day 110 – Roots of Selfishness
Looking at my experiences when have allowed myself to go into thoughts and memories because I would rather not ‘be here’ as breath… typically because I am doing something I don’t want to do, such as heading to work, where fear and anxiety come up. I want to avoid the situation, make myself feel better, disappear in to ‘my happy place’ in my mind… because I create the idea that ‘work’ is a negative experience – as it is tied to money as enslavement, as something I am forced to do. As well I feel that I am being judged based on my performance and ability to ‘produce’ a good result based on the customers expectations.
I see where I have judged myself in the past if I did not meet up to expectations of others. I have come to realize that I can only do what I am able to do, as my physical body has limitations. So I have for the most part released that form of judgement on myself. I don’t really mind the work most of the time. Here though, is the stress factor, of having to work so fast that I am able to make a profit, along with not making mistakes and doing a good job – so there is fear of the future as not having enough income to support myself. I see this as fear of my own self judgement – as the fear of loss and fear of death. Still discontent with who I am and what I have allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thoughts and memories for temporary ‘mind-highs’ - because I want to escape the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed in my world, and so I am reluctant to face the consequences I have created for myself here in each moment. I realize that I cannot escape myself, nor does it make the situation any better when I try to escape into my mind – It only perpetuates the addiction to energy as spite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define work as a ‘negative experience’ of myself because I fear failure, fear loss, and fear the judgement of myself and others. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money and time, as selfish experiences of myself. I realize that these experiences are necessary consequences that have played out in order for me to see who I am, and face myself as what I have accepted and allowed to exist here as me. Thus it is supportive to myself and my process of understanding myself. I realize I have to let go of the self-created idea of who I am as ‘separate’ – so that I can realize myself, as an interconnect part of my existence as a whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough income to support myself. In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the selfish desire for ‘free time’ and ‘easy money’ wherein I seek my own self interest, or seek to boost my own ego/mind system with the idea that I could be better, have a better life, and or do things that would grant me more fun and enjoyment, as well as the admiration of others. I realize that the first and primary responsibility I have is to become absolutely self honest with myself, so that I can rid myself of all fears, greed, and selfish delusion, and so become physical, and real with myself. This is the only way I will free myself from the anxiety of self judgement and selfish desires, and in so I will actually be able to enjoy myself for real, for the first time ever.
Actually, the only reason for my anxiety, is because I know I am not absolutely honest with myself yet, I am not here taking responsibility for myself as all in every breath yet, and so I fear that about myself, fearing that I cannot do it, based on my past fuck ups. I fear myself, because my mind fears losing the personal experiences of the selfish energy highs in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on my past experiences of myself – condemning myself in the idea that I cannot do it, creating an image of myself that I have too many systems, my selfish desires are too strong, or that I am too weak to stand absolutely equal with myself as all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the energy highs of my mind - because my mind tells me that all I will experience will be ‘negative’ or ‘neutral’ all the time – Yet I realize that this is projection of my mind, not the actuality of me here.
My mind fears that it will take so much energy just to direct my breathing all the time, thus I fear losing the idea of myself as who I have defined myself as within my mind as energy, and so I project that fear onto another self created idea of ‘who I would be’ (negative and/or neutral) if I stop my mind and take complete responsibility for myself in every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping the energy highs of the mind because my mind tells me that “I am wasting good experiences”. This comes from the self-definition I have created myself as a ‘non-wasteful’ person, or someone who does not like to waste things, as the fear of loss, fear of self-judgement, and fear of death. In so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the ‘positive’ energy experiences because I fear ‘wasting the experience of myself’ in the fear of loss, fear of self-judgement, and fear of death. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘non-wasteful’ in the belief that I am better than others in my world who I have defined as ‘wasteful’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent life, because I feel I was never given a fair chance to understand myself, and thus I made errors that cost me myself. I realize that this life, and this realization is my opportunity to realize myself here.
I commit myself to take this opportunity within this life to realize myself for myself and all so that I can rid myself of the guilt, shame, anxiety and resentment that I feel towards myself.
I commit myself to face my fears within writing so that I can realize where I am not taking responsibility for myself so that I may be as effective as humanly possible without fear of judgement, loss or death.
I commit myself to realize that the situations that I face in my reality are here to support me to self-realization, and in that, I am able to stop self-judgement so that I can stand equal to my world and reality in taking responsibility for what is here as myself as all.
I commit myself to stop all mind-created ideas and projections of ‘who I would be’ should I stop the positive, negative and neutral energy experiences within myself, which I realize are the desire for selfish experiences of myself in separation from myself as my mind.