Day 98–Selfishness and Resentment

 

So after a long break, here is my humble return to blogging.  Now seems like the time to give an explanation as to why I have not blogged in a while.  This not to give an excuse, but merely to provide some insight into my experiences over the past 2 months.   Firstly, as petty as it sounds, I started playing starcraft as the pacifier to shield myself from myself and my responsibilities.  From doing that, it was an easy glide into fear of starting to blog again, as the fear of the judgement of others.  From that point there comes the self-judgements and further reluctance to write myself out, it was so much easier to just play the game it seemed. 

 

I came to a number of points within myself, such as frustration with how work was going, along with the pessimistic projections that inevitably serve to complicate matters even worse.  Some projections were based on my fear of the past repeating itself as the pattern I have observed over the last few years.  Compounding that factor, came resentment and blame for the choices I made (based on my lack of understanding of the system, other people, and myself) as well as the many opportunities I passed up and much squandered potential.  Those feelings easily turn to self-sabotage and neglect, as me wanting to punish myself for not being ‘wise’ enough to have seen how things would turn out.    Interesting that I did not take into account the fact that many of the choices I did make actually assisted me to be honest with myself and ultimately have to opportunity to realize Equality, for which I am forever grateful to myself.

 

2 months is obviously a lot to put into one blog, nonetheless, my experience can be summed up in a few words.  Selfishness and resentment.

 

Selfishness - as doing what I want to do, rather than taking responsibility to do what I am able to do to support Equality of Life, regardless of how my mind tells me “its not having any effect”.

 

Resentment - in the form of reversely polarized desire, as the desire to blame myself and punish myself so that I can leech some energy out of the feelings of self-pity, this compounded by my fear that I am losing chances to experience what remnants of my '”life” that is here.  So, in a nutshell, I am upset with myself because I feel my life sucks.  I naively (and repeatedly) placed my trust in the wrong people and places many times in my life – yet although that did assist me in showing me the error of my ways, trusting myself has become a challenge.  Resentment can be summed up in the denial to forgive oneself and move, yet there is fear at work there as well, as the fear of myself, and what it really means to take responsibility for myself and all. 

 

So here is yet another humble attempt to establish self trust within myself. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself and all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to the extent that I wanted to punish myself in the desire to experience the feeling of self-pity as the desire to blame others for what I have accepted and allowed in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others, and in so, resent myself and pity myself and place blame on myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear future projected outcomes of my mind rather than accepting myself here and taking responsibility for who and what I have allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character image in my mind of who I could have been, and in so, allow that image to cause me to go into guilt, shame, regret and resentment for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself, and so allow that feeling of shame dictate to me what I should do and how I should behave towards myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in spite of myself, desire to punish myself so that I can feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to punish myself so that I can gain momentum and self will within myself to boost myself into taking responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be selfish, not allowing myself to realize that life is for giving, and if it is not given, then it is not life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else will save me from myself.  I am the key to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become pessimistic when ‘the chips are down’, at which point I realize that is a supportive test for myself

 

I commit myself to stick to my commitment to myself, to be self honest with myself and to establish self trust within myself in supporting Equality of all Life

I commit myself to realize that the fear of judgement of others is merely a projection of my mind, as me fearing to express myself and take a stand for myself as an Equal

I commit myself to align all my desires to serve only that which is best for all in all ways

I commit myself to replace blame with self-responsibility

I commit myself to realize that self-responsibility is the key to actual self-enjoyment as standing equal to life as all

I commit myself to stop all future projections as they only serve the interest of the mind as inducing fears so that my mind will have an excuse to not have to take responsibility for myself here

I commit myself to encourage and enjoy myself rather than punish myself as I see that punishment only leads to negativity and self sabotage

I commit myself to myself rather than to the comparison with others as that does not serve the interest of anyone

I commit myself to establish self trust within myself so that I may prove to myself that I am trust worthy

I commit myself to forgive myself for my past missed opportunities as I realize that my past assisted me to realize myself here, and here is what I have to work with.