Friday, 9 November 2012

Day 101–Fear of Myself

 

We don’t live, we exist.  There is a big difference.  There is no reason behind our existence, nor does there require to be one, because a reason would indicate something completely separate from ourselves… And if there is separation, there is conflict, and self abuse, because as long as there is separation, existence cannot be life as what is best for all.

If we lived, each would be self-responsible in every way.  There would be no confusion, no misunderstandings, no secrets, and no conflict or cruelty whatsoever.  Its a simple mathematical equation.  The only point of this current existence is to reveal ourselves to ourselves, so that we can become life. The rest is only a memory to be deleted.

We have never been responsible for life as living what is best for all, so learning to do so is a process. 

A particular point came up in my process where I saw the point of responsibility to myself and I was alright with that, because I could always forgive myself.  But then I began to realize my responsibility to others, and that’s when the fear crept in, because it is at that point I realized that I cannot live for myself anymore, I have to give up everything of myself –  as my personal self-interest - for that which is not yet fully realized. 

I feared that responsibility, as me fearing that I would mess up somehow and others would be let down (as me judging myself and my past inadequacies), and so I feared being seen as an example.  Interestingly, the fear goes deeper than that.  I feared myself becoming something I have never been before – responsible to self as all of existence… and so I feared becoming enslaved to responsibility.  I have to chuckle a little at that because that is my mind placing an idea on what it is to be self-responsible, rather than living it moment to moment.  I am already enslaved to a system which I myself created through my irresponsibility to support all life Equally.  Therefore to fear being enslaved to responsibility is ridiculous because self-responsibility is the only way to free ourselves from the mess we have created.

My mind kept telling me not to participate because I feared I was becoming “self-righteous”.  This mostly coming from my religious training, having seen my share of ‘what I deemed as’ self-righteousness in the church, I had learned to judge people as such, so that I could label it within my mind and play the polar opposite ‘humble and honest’ character which conveniently veiled my own self-dishonesty and allowed me to continue playing the game.  Clever clever.

So, am I fear?… or am I here, with an opportunity to become life?” Will I allow fear to dictate who I am, or who I will become within my existence?”  That would be rather foolish.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-responsibility to all as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself and all because I feared who I am based on my ‘failures’ and ‘inadequacies’ of the past, which caused me to judge and condemn myself in the present as a cycle of enslavement to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself, as me fearing that which I have not ever been – as the fear of changing myself and the fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself as all, and so fear self-responsibility through defining it and falsely labeling as ‘self-righteousness’ so that I could feel better about myself and blame others as self righteous while I played the role of being ‘humble and honest’ which only masked my dishonesty towards myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself as all and in so direct myself to become self-responsible to all as myself.

I commit myself forgive my past self-judgements based on my past failures within a system of abuse which only served to show me what I had allowed within myself and my world.

I commit myself to embrace changing in each moment and so embrace the unknown as myself, so that I can learn to embrace myself as all and so move myself towards equalizing myself as all.

I commit myself to realize that defining others as self-righteous is a reflection of how I have judged myself in order that I may remain dishonest with myself, and so seek to escape responsibility to myself as all.

 

And one last point I would like to make.  I always told myself that “I love Equality” as a personal stimulation, or reason why I could participate.  This because I had created the idea that I am someone special because I was able to realize the solution for myself.  Yet this reason is no longer valid as stimulation, actually there requires no stimulation to support Equality, because there is simply no other alternative.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality character as “I love Equality” so that I could have a point of stimulation to energize my character to participate from the starting point of seeing myself as special.   I realize that this is no longer necessary, I am simply here creating myself in what is common sense as best for all.

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