Thursday, 8 November 2012

Day 100 – Learning to Jump


child diving


I remember jumping off the diving board for the first time when I was young.  Someone wanted me to do it and actually tried dragging me, but I yelled and fought… I would not do it because someone wanted me to do it, that only increased the fear and anxiety.  So, when no one was looking or paying attention, I gathered the courage to walk over to the diving board myself, and jumped.   After which I came up from the water to a chorus of cheers.

In that jump, I had to carefully consider exactly where I would land, and what I would do when I was in the water.  To me at the time, I was risking my life – I was afraid of drowning, after all, the experience was unknown to me.  So I had to conquer my fear by trusting myself – my physical body, and trusting my ability to use common sense. 

It is similar to process, except process is learning to face the fears and jump in every moment.  As strange as it sounds, my primary fear is of becoming enslaved (even though Equality is the opposite of enslavement) and having nothing to do but work for Equality with no foreseeable reward in this lifetime.  Here is where self trust is tested. 

There is the fear of losing my personal comforts.  The fear of losing my personal desire to take revenge on existence, because I want to blame everyone for allowing me to become who I am, and as I see who i have become, it is clear that this is not cool, to put it very mildly.  

All the dreams and hopes I had for life when I was a child turned out to be nothing but a fantasy and an illusion.  I completely missed the point of life, myself. 

Now I face the bitter consequence.  And to add insult to injury, everyone acts like we should ‘just be happy’ in our miserable, selfishness…  content in our prison cells.

When will I learn to jump.  When will I forgive myself and realize that there is nothing in this world to be truly happy about.  I wonder what it is like to be rid of all my fears and anxiety, and to live for real.

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