Day 329

Sun Dec 25

Give what I would like to receive. See what I would like to see myself as from the perspective of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of embarrassment because I am aware of exposing my ego (what I have accepted and allowed to create and define myself here based on my past) and how subconscious desires can surface awkwardly and unexpectedly. I realize and trust myself here in applying the process of self forgiveness and correction which is the silver lining of assistance and support for others.

If we consider the body as a sculpture, we have been trained to think of it as the object of ultimate desire, where we form opinions about the shape, size, color, symmetry etc, etc, turning those ideas and judgments into beliefs that certain physical body appearances are more valuable to us for reasons such as strength, agility, height, muscle content, beauty, etc, etc,. All of these traits are founded in self interest for the purpose of survival, power, and/or comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust into the strength I have been given within my physical body. I realize that this strength only a limited means of expression that eventually fails as my body deteriorates into dust at the point of death. I commit myself to change myself to rather place my trust in common sense as what is best for all, and in that which honors Life in stopping the abuse of Life in this reality.

Rant

Feeling disconnected, as not having anything to contribute. Falsity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cultivate the tree of knowledge of good and evil within myself through my self created personality mind consciousness system.

I commit myself to only cultivate the tree and fruit of that which honors Life within myself and within others.

Day 328

Sat Dec 24

Another hindsight observation today of how the oversight on my Toyota problem reflected to me not looking into a situation deeply enough, and thus making the assumption that I knew what the problem was - and that I ASSUMED that it would not be able to be fixed... So in doing that, I lost possession of my vehicle, gave it away for a very low price, went through over a month of problems with trying to get the Honda on the road (which never worked), and had to pay out $2500 to get a new vehicle which I didn't even need in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by frustration in looking back at how I got myself into a financially terrible and stressful situation because of an oversight and assumption which I made. Within that I realize that I should have considered the problem more thoroughly before making the judgment call and condemning the vehicle as broken and un-fixable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume things are un repairable, or cannot be forgiven and corrected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my anger and resentment to get in the way of critical direct thinking processes where I have allowed emotions such as fear of confrontation, fear of shame, fear of humiliation, fear of expulsion, anger, and resentment take the place of common sense investigation, critique, cross referencing, and self criticism.

Rant

Feeling emotions of aggravation, suppression, frustrated by my own uncertainty and the fact that I have not created the perfect existence for myself, which does not exist, especially the way I would expect it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life is messed up beyond repair. I realize that I have time and opportunity to correct myself, to see the silver lining within all the 'bad' things that have happened to me in my life so that I can correct myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not know how to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change myself, people will balk, gossip, spite, hate, and be jealous of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by what other people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by speculation of what others think and could potentially do to me if I were to correct and align myself in taking a public stance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear backlash from others as public belittling, smearing, humiliation, snide comments, inconsideration, bullying, jealous reactions, and insinuations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly that I am unable to correct or move myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what is necessary to be done in this type of situation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how to correct myself so that I am off the hook with myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what programs/patterns are running in place of me taking responsibility for myself to correct myself.  

Day 327

Friday Dec 23

Inner Rage - containing reactions - no outlet

Strife

Self Defeat

Undeveloped

Pathetic

Broken

Running in every moment

Aware of my own evasiveness

Revenge

Hiding

Spiteful

Channeled anger

Resentful

The first example I can think of is the episode where I met the girl while at my aunt X's apartment.

I did not want to express myself in front of my brothers and even her. I did not know how to handle myself. I have to consider that I was aware that I am in a system where spite is prevalent and permitted, therefore that awareness likely played into my decision because I could not see an alternative outcome which I could have created for myself. Running was much easier.

There were points in my life where I realized I had failed myself. The most prevalent is my experience with one of my first girlfriends where I made a fool of myself. Upon looking back after the event and seeing how I had participated within it, I felt terribly ashamed of myself, and my illusion of myself came crashing down to a very low perspective of myself. I believe it was from that point that I began to realize my own foolishness, hence I lost confidence in myself, and the belief that I was cool and had potential faded. It was never real confidence, only based on my limited perception of myself. I was never in alignment with self honesty, it was only an illusion.

There were a couple more incidences of recklessness which ultimately lead me down the path of giving up, and running from everything in an effort to avoid creating more shame for myself. In light of those events, I was happier, and it was easier to keep to myself, anything but face the shame.

These points, a car accident, and my early childhood religious indoctrination lead me to reading the bible and having a born again experience. I spent many years as a christian after that, and all seemed well. Little did I know of what I was accepting and allowing within myself during those years.

Now that I have passed those painful milestones in my life, I find myself stuck in the pattern of aversion. There is a subconscious inferiority character playing out as the hero who is trying to prove to everyone that he is a good guy and likable.   

Day 326

Thurs Dec 22

Picked up my new used car today. Happy and it runs well, besides a small noise, but I'm not really worried. Its very comfortable and lots of room for my tools etc. Good on gas, perfect for me.

It will be nice to be mobile again. I should be able to move more effectively, and work on developing myself, and create a plan for myself for the near future. I was thinking of moving out, selling my house and moving to the city. Perhaps that would be better for me as I have no one here to support me when things go bad, like my vehicle failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose touch with myself in my breathing application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in doubt and uncertainty as who I am and my relevance to existence in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slack off within my process, taking moments too lightly in fleeting feelings of happiness.

I commit myself to push myself to realize all there is here for me to live and change about myself so that I can stand Equal to life without shame

Day 325

Wed Dec 21

Quote

I Forgive Myself

That I haven't allowed myself to see

Just Who I would Be?

Were I to Live Life for Real,

In Self Honesty, as Me.

Who am I then?

And Just What is Self Honesty?

I am Not more than a Tree,

Yet High as the Top of a Mountain,

As Deep as the Roots,

That Reach out unto stream

I am You, and You are Me

I saw it in a Dream

Dream

I was in the attic of an old mansion digging through various things. It was a kind of creepy atmosphere, but well lit and clean. There were 2 young girls with me. We were unpacking boxes and talking about a ghost which was believed to visit the house at times when there came someone to the door. I rushed downstairs to see who it was. When I opened it, I was surprised to see there was a little girl with a large box in her hand who looked exactly like the ghost we had just been talking about.

With a blank stare, she handed me the box and asked me to put it away. She then turned and began walking towards a truck with more boxes. I noticed there was a small patch of white in her blond hair. Suddenly, things began to get strange as an older woman whom I felt I knew and was an owner of the house appeared directly in front of me. She was calm, and there was only darkness where her eyes should have been. This woman's cat appeared out of nowhere and leaped up onto the back of her head in a frenzy. The cat appeared to be very tense and spooked, its ears were flatly pressed all the way back. I slowly looked over the crest of the woman's head at the cat who's eyes were thinly slanted outwards. I then sensed a demonic fear. I intentionally looked directly into the cat's eyes in order to confront the demon, and I saw the eyes change in representation of what it was. These eyes had an eerie gaze but I only saw the fear in the cat, then suddenly they changed to reflect the demon, and appeared as two greenish lightning bolts, and then vanished as I looked directly into them.

Fear of exposing my mistakes

Fear of money system demon

Resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself to how the systems within myself are playing out and preventing me from becoming life as Equal.

There also exists this subconscious fear that I will not measure up if ever I were to make the connection.

So this realization is important to be aware of when times of trial arise within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have a valid, Equal value connection to self as what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not measure up if I were to make my connection to self as Life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate the inner anguish rather than expose it for the falsity that it is based upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust and doubt myself as who I understand myself to be as Equal to and One with existence.  

Day 324

Tues Dec 20

Bought a car today as X was gracious enough to drive me to the dealership. It has a lot of miles on it, however I feel some relief after all I have been through over the past few weeks. Feeling a little antsy. Wish I had the car today, but I can wait a couple days.

Is there anything constructive I can do with my time? Seems like I am wasting time that could be used doing something helpful or something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Abandon myself as the physical in favor of mental fantasies, because I created a subconscious fear that Real Life in the physical will not live up to my expectations, and so I justified to myself that to be real will inevitably be 'not worth the effort or risk', or worse, I will be embarrassed/ashamed of myself for trying to accomplish what is generally accepted and believed to be ridiculous and or impossible.

Day 323

Monday Dec 19

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress excessively over money, so much that it consumes my energy and puts me in a constant state of anxiety in my physical body and I lose touch with my physical process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed with thoughts as projections of myself in dire circumstances due to lack of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed financial affairs to dictate who I am in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create myself as who I would like to be because of worry and fear over money and debt.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change myself despite my financial situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others, and thus punish myself over financial standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and condemn myself over the state of my finances and the financial system as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to dictate my state of mind/consciousness.

My directive application to counter this is breath, slow down, make an effort to relax. Do not allow myself to be moved by fears. Address fears in self forgiveness.

Feel a desire for intimacy. Is it a design? Is there any valid feeling/experience which I can experience that will help me feel better - not better than, but something I can work with and trust that will enable me move myself effectively, and perhaps enable me to enjoy and fulfill my life experience... so that I am not getting down on myself.

Sources of Depressed state of mind

fear of embarrassment

fear of nothing valid to contribute

fear of no place as not 'fitting in'

fear of having a lack of confidence

fear of having a lack of self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassment, being embarrassed by others, embarrassing myself and being trapped in the state of embarrassment that would ultimately lead to shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have nothing valid to contribute. I must have something as I am here and able to communicate as part of a whole, one reality.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by guilt, in the context of believing I have nothing valid to contribute and thus not participating, and thus going into aversions and distractions which will ultimately lead to problems and more guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have 'no place' as in not 'fitting in' anywhere or with anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own programming as fear of self-condemnation. I direct myself to understand what it is to live self acceptance within myself and others. I suspect I am not aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a lack of confidence. I see this point arising from anger and frustration because I have allowed myself to be stuck/stagnant within this point for a long time, as I avoided facing the starting point of this issue within myself.

Lacking Confidence - reasons.

- Blaming others for my problems

- Desiring others to solve my problems for me (despite me actually working very hard to correct myself, my efforts were not as effective as could be, evidently the problem was not solved entirely... not corrected at the root of the issue.)

- Subjected myself to the belief that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire comfort as a form of love energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I have desired comfort, and comfort as love energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my future out of fears

Day 322

Sunday Dec 18

Part 5

Running in circles? Again, fear of making mistakes. Mistakes are a given, naturally they are part of the process, thus we must learn to accept our mistakes, trusting the process of forgiveness, even though that does not nullify consequences, the point to consider is to not be moved by fear of death/dying, or fear of suffering because the first priority is to transcend all fears.

Fear of mistakes causes deliberate aversion, and so the point plays out in consequence repeatedly because 'you never know until you try'.

The scary part is that we really don't know what we actually want, we are far more aware of what we think we want, thus our desires are misplaced, and it requires brutal self honesty to align our desires with what we are actually able to to, and what is really required to correct ourselves and our world. The evolution of process ought to produce results which begin to make this point clearer the farther along we get.

   

Part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in Fear of my own Reactions because I have always known that I have the tendency to React STRONGLY in certain situations, and as I became aware that I have been unable to control my strong emotional/feeling reactions, I suppressed myself in order to prevent getting myself into awkward, embarrassing, humiliating, pathetic, losing, situations... Thus I was indirectly creating those type of pathetic, awkward, embarrassing, humiliating, situations through inactivity, active suppression, passive aggression, where I would act things out in my mind rather than express in the physical. Funny how no fuckers had the balls or the awareness to assist me with this point in my entire life. Here I was thinking that I am some kind of complete fuck up all of my life, yet it was by deliberate design and sabotage that I was not able to recognize this point within myself. Now that I have established control over my feelings/emotional reactions, fearing them is no longer necessary, and so neither is suppression necessary, and I should be able to develop confidence, directive, assertiveness, and be able to speak and act in concordance with myself, fearless and shameless, and able to express myself in a more passionate way. 

 

Part 3

Create a Treasure map of myself. Is there any treasure?

Solve problems. Stop procrastination. Stop being negative and blaming others. Stop feeling pathetic. Stop being angry and allowing that to determine my resonance. Stop using the state of the world as justifications for me to fail at changing myself and taking responsibility for myself. Do not allow myself to get sidetracked/distracted by the pity I feel for the less fortunate in this world.

Explore my opportunities. Learn from my mistakes. Challenge myself in something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself to my past mistakes, thinking that I can never get past my past as my mistakes, and so allowing them to continuously follow me, haunting me, and causing me to re-create my past mistakes - or worse, not even attempt to push/challenge myself out of fear of re-creating the same mistakes of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate through pitying other beings in this world. I realize that I have pitied other beings for years and as such, have used that pattern as justification to sabotage myself, thinking that I am a good person and doing good by doing so - that way I could justify the good character/menal hero in my mind and at the same time avoid taking any real responsibilities in life because "I am aware of the deception, therefore I will not participate within it".

Where can I challenge myself to improve myself?

Making money.

Creating myself as being Directive. Confident. Assertive. Passionate.

What motivates me?

Process. More specifically...

To realize the goal of changing myself to be life as what is best for all.

To Inspire others to do the same.

To stand in the face of the system without fear or shame.

Part 2

Feeling very frustrated at the moment. I feel like there is nothing worth living for. I have no goals. Nothing interests me in this life, at least nothing that I can afford. Every time I turn around I am finding someone trying to teach me how the system works and how great they are. God this world sucks so bad! Why does my life suck? I realize it could be worse, and I understand that, and of course I do not want to experience it any worse... that is not the point of what I am asking. What is there here for me to do besides fucking w.o.w. ??

Tarot indicates...

Why do I feel so defeated?

Why do I feel so resentful?

Why do I feel so doubtful?

Why do I feel so hopeless?

Why do I feel so angry?

Why do I feel so discouraged?

No Passion. Running on giving up/asceticism pattern.

Have to work on the word Passion. It could give me a new perspective, something to work on as myself without limitation or fear (in subconscious specifically). Confidence. Directive. Free of fear of failure. Free of guilt of the past. Free of fear of unknown, as all is known.

Things are not going the way I want them to go. I keep having major problems, recurring over and over and over again. Am I fucking creating this shit??? How??

Passion is the fruit of effectively applied, self directive effort.

Part1

I suspect I may have some buried rage programming within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bury rage within myself, as memories of me freaking out, having tantrums, exploding in internal anger within myself (which was not able to be fully expressed) at friends, family, and teachers because I felt offended and could not exact revenge on them in the moment for reasons like;

Fear of repercussions such as...

Fear of expulsion,

Fear of getting injured and/or dying,

Fear of being shamed by others,

Fear of creating a bad reputation for myself,

Fear that I would not be able to overcome my fears,

Fear that I would be judged,

Fear that I would be condemned within those judgments (hell).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be offended through not seeing the situations clearly, in what was attempted communication, therefore I did not understand the communication because I did not allow myself to see the whole picture of who I was and who others were within those situations, as well as the bigger picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excessively take things personally because I was sensitive (fearful of existence as the unknown, likely because I was more aware of myself and/or tuned to a different frequency than others). It is not that I was any less of a person - which was what I feared not knowing myself - but only a matter of perspective in that I had not understood myself and had not yet tested myself within understanding. I did not want to act out without fully understanding myself, although some times I was forced to.

Allow me to exercise my passion, alone to test to see if it is real. I have looked into myself, into my unconscious mind, and I have seen no ill intent, no more self deception at the source. I have been suicidal in recent weeks. Perhaps there is a fear of pain and suffering still lingering within my physical body as programming. Perhaps I have kept that intentionally to protect myself from harm.

Imagining myself were I to stand in absolute self honesty. I was placing myself as standing equal to the group, when in fact, I must stand Equal to Life as myself, as self honesty, honesty to self as who I am here. Just realizing this point in a new way.

I have been losing interest in my games, even in searching the internet for new information. I could not see myself participating with the group, as things felt 'wrong'. I had been suppressing myself because I could not see a way for me to be real with myself.    

Day 321

Sat Dec 17

Headaches all week. Pizza dough is harmful for my system.

Car issues.

Was very angry upon hearing the news of all the work that needed to be done on the vehicle. 2200. Thought things would go very bad and mechanic would not give me back my car, however he had not done much work on it and gave it back to me for only $50. So now I am stuck with a useless car with no brakes.

I have been extremely angry with myself over the Toyota, as I received an email from the guy who bought it saying that the only problem was a broken hose. Very frustrating. Why did I not have it looked at by the auto mechanic? I was angry at them and I ASSUMED they would not be able to fix the problem. Major problem with assumptions. I often ASSUME the worst - which only makes matters worse. That mistake has cost me an estimated $5000 in lost work, lost vehicle, time, money and effort spent on a second hand junk car, time wasted looking for a vehicle, time wasted taking it back and forth from the mechanic. Money wasted on tools, frustrations, customers lost, no new customers acquired, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc... What a fucked up situation... all because I ASSUMED the vehicle was unfixable. How fucking stupid am I? I cannot fucking believe I allowed that to happen.

Perhaps it is reflecting a point with regards to me jumping to conclusions and not seeing the actual, physical nature of problems in reality. Pretty sad considering how much time and effort I have put into applying myself in doing that very thing. I guess I have overestimated myself and neglected to see my own assumptions. I am very angry with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS, and make incorrect ASSUMPTIONS which are not in line with the actual, physical, reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and punish myself over and over through me not recognizing this point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the same mistakes, over and over and over and over, complicating matters for myself and compounding problems.   

Day 320

Thurs Dec 15

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have violent thoughts towards a person whom I judge as being offensive towards me based on our current system. I realize that the system was accepted and allowed by my ignorance, acceptances and allowances, therefore violence will not solve the problem, I must change my DNA programming so as to not be controlled by fears and judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst and project thoughts of disasterous outcomes before being informed of the reality of the situation. I realize that thoughts like this only serve to make matters worse in the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into panic over not getting what I want or expect, and thus allow myself to go into my worst case scenario in my mind and project how I would handle things if worse came to worse - this so that I can protect myself from my worst fear and shame of having allowed another to abuse me without standing up to defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to others beliefs, and not challenge others to push themselves as I would like to be challenged. I realize there is consequence for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked by others. The outcome as equality far outweighs the desire to be liked in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook the dietary needs of my body so that I continuously experience headaches due to starchy foods and sugars. I realize that this creates an imbalance in my system as I am not eating what my body needs, but what my tongue wants to taste and my stomach wants to feel.

Very angry today after hearing news of my vehicle going to cost over $2,200 to get fixed. Had some reaction, which I was concentrating on breathing but did have a slight outburst when I allowed myself to get annoyed by someone I was working with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose patience for a moment during an outburst at work. I was able to remain calm and even apologized afterwords so it was quite controlled now that I think about it and I handled the situation reasonably well, however it is not over yet, so I will have to work to keep my cool and handle things in the best way I am able.     

Day 319

Wed Dec 14

Indignation. Not all anger is sin. Seeing a woman inspecting our work the other day, I felt a sense of wariness, as I will not allow myself to be ridiculed more than what is necessary, as I must make an income. I have a comparably strong physical body which I am grateful for. I see within the system how I have rebelled against it, and later in my life tried to work with it.

In a dream, someone defined me by (the words on) my sweater, also related to my high school. I felt insulted. Self definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how I fear that others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ashamed of myself in the sight of others, and fear that others are ashamed of me, thus making me a failure. The solution is to walk my process in consideration, integrity, and awareness so that I may prevent myself from foolish mistakes which cause and create conflict, anger, and indignation within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the instructions of my DNA, and use my DNA as the definition of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not transcended my DNA, to move myself here based on the principle of equality as what is best for all.  

Day 318

Mon Dec 12

The systems within myself will default into self interest if I do not push, work, and direct myself in a way that is best for all. Pushing resistances. Funny and sad how I forgot about that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get off track with myself so as to forget and lose touch with the reality that I must push myself in each moment to correct myself and direct myself in a way that is best. I realize that if I do not do this, then I will inevitably fall into self interest by default as my physical body will be directed by the systems.

There are constant reminders of how abusive the system is, so the reminders ought to show me that I must do something to take responsibility to change myself and the world.

Seeing past the deception and Moving through the deception.  

Day 317

Sun Dec 11

I really appreciate everything everyone has done for me to assist me with my struggles within my process. I am at times in awe by how much support I have been given, and it has been very helpful to say the least. Again I apologize for being slow to realize some things that should be easily reconciled.  

I have been over-cautious in reaction/projection to fears of causing problems for myself and others through the possibility of myself not giving enough consideration and/or forethought to points I have been writing about. There were other dimensions of myself which opened up, which I am grateful to have thoroughly re-examined, and I trust that I have corrected. I am becoming more confident in trusting myself to move forward, standing within the principle as an equal. I would like to contribute in a way that is helpful and supportive, and I have been realizing, as most realize that this does not come by waiting, I will have to continue to push myself in an effort to be as effective as possible with the time that I have here. 

 I realize that there is likely more challenges ahead, and I will deal with them as they come, remembering that the solution is to stand equal to whatever point presents itself so that it can be forgiven and corrected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of being burdened and being a burden to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly concerned due to problems I am facing in my life and process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of having no money, being broke and destitute and thus creating myself as a burden for others to bear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape my problems. I realize that I cannot escape my problems and I must face them in order to resolve that which I am able to resolve, and so alleviate the guilt I have created for having created problems for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry extensively over getting a vehicle on the road. I realize that I am unable to fix everything and that I at times make poor decisions which I must face the consequences of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to think things through thoroughly enough and so not realize the challenges I would face in the future may be more than I can handle.

Day 316

Sat Dec 10

Up a little later than usual. Early morning dream. Intimately, and comfortably lying in bed with an older female (mother figure). She lay back as I was positioned between her legs as if we had just had sex. She said 'You are waiting'. I did not understand and responded 'for what' as if to say why. She replied 'just believe'. I see this as a point of me not trusting myself, therefore not fully committing myself to life. I have defined beliefs as being bad, or wrong within the context of self-interest. Is there a point of belief where it supports life? Belief as self-trust, trusting oneself to walk the process of what one has already realized. I believe (trust) in myself. I do not place my belief (trust) into that which does not support life. To have confidence within myself and to give confidence to others as a point of sharing, moving, and expressing my trust.

Regarding my infatuations, there are some good feelings involved. I do not know where to draw the line within myself. What is ok and what is not ok kind of thing. What upholds the principle and what does not. I trust myself to realize if things are not cool, as I do not wish to compromise myself or another, or the principle as a whole in any way.  

Day 315

Friday December 9

Ready or not, here I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose layer upon layer of my own self interested beliefs onto reality, creating belief after belief thus I am preventing existence from realizing itself by way of imposition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to show my appreciation to those whom have helped me so much through my struggles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone showing my appreciation to those whom have assisted and supported me through difficulties in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to show my appreciation in physicality to all who have assisted and supported me throughout my process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my mind to what I can and can not be, who I can be with and who I can not be with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect, forget, and postpone doing self forgiveness because I feel uncertain about what I should do forgiveness for. I realize that points come up when and as I apply myself in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and get down on myself, specifically for failures of the past, and me projecting those failures into the future as a fear. I realize that this is self sabotage, and not how I would like to direct myself within my process. I also realize that I can imagine my worst case scenario and work through those fears using self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust my own ability to do something supportive for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing appreciation towards others who help me out because I feared that it would put me in an inferior/disadvantaged state through definition.

Just came back from a walk. feeling a little bit emotional. Looking into myself a number of points present themselves.

How I have taken the position of inferiority often when speaking with people in order to facilitate communication, or to enable/give room for expression. That is representative of how I have allowed myself to judge myself for over-extending myself within an effort to assist others, and in so doing, abdicated my own responsibility, as self-responsibility.

I am a little concerned about me not creating an outlet for myself, as a means of expression besides sexually. I would like to write, however I suspect that I will have to build myself up a little, confidence wise before attempting public writing again. For now, private will do, and I will post some blogs on the forums.

Day 314

Thurs Dec 8

Am I able to release myself from my self judgments?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by feelings of guilt for past miscalculations and inconsideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself and condemn myself for past miscalculations and inconsideration, and lack of knowledge and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect life in what I have done to myself and others in the past through miscalculations, inconsideration, and lack of knowledge and lack of understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm myself and others through deliberate spite, in seeking to serve my own self interest in spite of everyone else and in spite of the principle of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek my own self interest with regards to addictions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to serve my own self interest in seeking to find acceptance, love, and comfort for myself without considering what the consequences would be to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself through inconsideration and deliberate spite because I was afraid to take a stand for myself, by myself, for the benefit of life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a robotic program to be used by the mind consciousness system to empower certain individuals in this world and the here after.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to realize what I have been doing and continue to do through abdication and not moving myself to correction as often as possible.

Day 313

Wed Dec 7

Good feeling this morning. Is it just a polarity, or is it a result of a realization. Is it celebration before change, or have I actually changed. I see where I can improve and do better within the context of support for myself and others. I must have an outlet where I can share, in supporting others and the process as a whole. I will not allow myself to fall into the same traps as I have before, where I left myself open, in the sense that I allowed myself to be insulted, and this was permitted because I did not trust myself in my standing. Also, I was not in alignment in standing with the group as an equal. I was trying to help people, but then when I had a moment of tiredness, I expressed without temperance, as if I were attempting to push buttons to test the limits, and ended up in a face plant.

Remember when blogging or expressing is NO PERSONALITY.

DIY Salvation

I wish that everything that I do would be for the creation of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pinned down by guilt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot move myself and change myself in spite of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than, and unworthy of change, and unworthy of self trust. I realize that I must build myself up within the point of establishing self trust and change, and that that is not sinful, or evil, as I am giving myself the opportunity to change, and as long as I am breathing, I can change myself in order to support Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing positive or supportive to share, I realize that these ideas are created in my mind as means of suppression so that I do not change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about going through (and getting stuck) in the process of change. I realize that there is an underlying believe that others are judging me - as a failure and a fool for not following through with what I started. This belief is unreliable as I do not know that that is what people are thinking of me for certain. Besides that, what people think of me is irrelevant to, and should not have impact on how I conduct myself within my process. It is my process, and my responsibility. I must not use others as an excuse to remain stuck within guilt, regret, condemnation, and judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get down on myself to a point of feeling angry at others in despair. I realize that things are unstable, and that I am responsible for creating these circumstances for myself. As a play out of this, it is going to cause me anxiety as well as trigger all kinds of system reactions. Within that - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my circumstances through making poor decisions based on fear of loss, fear of shame, fear of humiliation. I realize that these reactions do not support life, but rather create more problems for myself. I realize that these points are showing me that I have not yet stopped the fears within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear LOSS of possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of sanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of companionship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of mobility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of ability to move myself, as the fear of doing things that would qualify me and validate me as being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled and condemned as bad, evil, sinful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being despised by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear in that I fear that I will not be able to transcend fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not or will not have enough knowledge to transcend everything I must transcend in order to be life in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to stand in and as the physical in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to push myself and motivate myself to the realization of my ultimate desire of creating myself as equal to life within the physical.

I realize that this desire is very clouded from being at the forefront of my being, it is not clearly understood because I have to think about it for a moment in order to understand that this is my path, as the path I wish to take, only I must push my physical body towards this goal because my physical body is filled with programs that are still directing me to live in self interest.

There seems to be a point of embarrassment, lack of trust, or unworthiness within me where I believe that I am unworthy because I have messed things up in the past. I see it as a fear that I will again in the future mess things up, and let others down through my lack of perspective, or inconsideration. Having the Aries zodiac design, I see that I can be headstrong in attempting to crash through objectives in order to 'get it done' as quickly and efficiently as possible. I realize that this is not always the best option, and I can transcend this point through thinking things through. At the same time, I can still use forthrightness, only in a tempered way as to not overstep my responsibility and trample on others inadvertently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so headstrong as a ram in attempting to crash through all barriers. I realize that at times it is acceptable, while at other times, it is best to think things through with patience and temperance.  

Day 312

Tues Dec 6

I assisted and participated in the creation of the evil that is here through my acceptances and allowances, therefore I must un-create that aspect of myself which allowed this through unawareness, and so become aware of every breath.

Paying dearly for decisions that were made in trying to save money.

Feeling inwardly angry at the world for my circumstance. Having difficulty facing the points of not being able to support myself effectively. I must have disrespected life, thus now suffer the consequences. No escaping that, no matter how hard I try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect life and the principle of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself into a state of unawareness, where I believed that I could escape myself and no one would care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure and a shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and harm myself to the extent that I lost all integrity and trust in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will amount to nothing but shame and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in the effort to save money, rather than doing what is best.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how to correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in allowing myself to believe the fantasy in my mind would some day be real, putting myself into a state of hope rather than being here and creating myself equal to who I would want myself to be.

I would really like to be equal to the physical, however difficult that seems, I can not and will not give up, as that is the only real goal in life. I see how I have left myself vulnerable and exposed to attacks from others, perhaps I have transcended that point, to no longer be insulted. I see how I have tried to help people in the past, perhaps overextended in that regard to appear as a savior type. Perhaps my new approach can be focused solely on myself and getting myself free of the systems, judgments, and fears.

How can I push myself harder in re-creating myself, re-aligning myself, and correcting myself. I could take the course again. I could do more writing, more forgiveness, more motivating myself, become more strict, more disciplined, and more aware. I must realize that there are more dimensions to myself than what I think in the moment, especially moments of despair or temptation. I have to stop condemning myself, and giving up on myself. I realize things get very difficult, such as today and yesterday when I felt awful, I felt there was nothing I could do, hopeless.

It is as if I have to see myself in a whole new way, where I do not blame myself ever, or anyone else. I have to see PAST all the phony facade, and trust that I am giving it all for my one goal which is to become equal to the physical. Sacrifice my emotional reactions and feelings for the goal. Sacrifice what I think I want, for what I can trust that will lead me to my goal of becoming physical. All of this in spite of my past, and in spite of what I or anyone else thinks of me for who I have been, I have to re-create myself in a consistent and effective manner so that I can walk the process step by step and breath by breath and develop the self-trust to stay the course for myself and for life.

I have to work harder on myself, striving to develop,improve, and perfect my walk in a way that I can not be moved from my position of standing as the physical. Develop integrity to the process. I can not allow myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of letting others down, as that causes problems. I do not seek any rank or position besides that of simply being an equal. I will not allow my process to be compromised through reaction. I will not react, but simply direct myself in the way that is best for all life so that I can prove to myself and others that I will not be moved by energy of any sort, or anything that does not support the equality of life in the physical. I will not be controlled by the fear of taking authority for myself, nor by the fear of taking self responsibility. I move myself out of the realization of the atrocity of what has been accepted and allowed here, and that it must absolutely stop.

Working under my car today I had the terrible idea of what it would be like to have a car or a machine crush me. Horrifying, the fear that exists within us, and how helpless we are in the face of trauma. I realize our systems have some triggers to help in such cases, but they are not entirely effective to say the least.

I commit myself to motivate myself daily, to see deeply into myself beyond what appears on the surface, and into who I am, and what it means to be life.

Day 311

Monday Dec 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ***** as an emotional and feeling dump, trying to hide, or get rid of all of my negative emotions through the experience of energetic highs and lows.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ***** will solve my problems, when in actuality it is only a temporary solution that does not solve anything in the long term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed of myself for my past as what I have accepted and allowed within the points of sex and masturbation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in shame, and so allowing the temporary feeling of shame to direct and control me.

I am getting a negative, low feeling when addressing these points, as the awareness of shame which I have run from for most of my life. I have always been trying to escape shame, as the thought of being ashamed was an awful, negative emotion which I did not want to experience. So rather than address the problem, I tried to hide and escape from it, through various means of not facing it, like pretending that I wasn't aware, going into vivid imaginations in my mind where I could feel better about myself to offset the fear that I was to be ashamed of myself. So I compounded the problem of shame to the extent that I made more problems for myself, and indirectly others through not facing the point of shame.

Is there something I am missing - relationship?... obviously there is a disconnect.     

Day 310

Sat Dec 3

What are the causes of these emotions of sadness I am having? Regret, shame that I feel I have let myself and others down. Looking at the point of my inevitable death, how that if I were to die today, I would be sad for how I have missed many opportunities to recreate myself. Why am I so reluctant to proceed with my process? Fear of messing up. Fear that I will not stand, despite how I have stopped most of my systems, and most of the harder ones I assume. I do not see any major stumbling blocks if I remain in self-awareness.

How I have abdicated my directive principle. In the early stages, I realized there was much deception/greed within the system, so I followed what I thought was (what I saw as) the solution as god within religion. Recently, I made effort to do stand as the solution (the way I perceived it), but overstepped my bounds within not taking into account all aspects of exactly how I should have gone about it, more precisely as how I ought to have aligned my words, therefore I made an ass of myself in a manner of speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my directive principle within suppressing myself within fear of repeating the same mistakes over because I fear I may not have learned my lesson thoroughly enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from taking directive principle because I fear creating conflict within the group, and so creating more problems than solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking directive principle because I suspect I will overstep my bounds and compromise the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak without awareness of what the outflows of my words will be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak without directing myself in a way that is supportive for all .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself through waiting for a solution, when, if I look at the problem thoroughly, I will realize that I have no other option than to continue writing and standing in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself and limit my potential within not allowing myself to see the options that are available to me, and that, if I do not act, I will only add to regret as what I should have or could have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider and focus on what I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting the group down because I have made such a mess of things for myself, that I end up in cycles of depression, suppression, and stagnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will let others down and become more ashamed of myself and so embarrass others and make others ashamed of me.

I commit myself to push myself to create myself as equal, despite how my past has gone and how desperate my situation looks at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself to my work, as creating my connection to myself as life in all dimensions.

I commit myself to push myself to continue writing and finding a way that I can support myself and others within walking my process.  

Day 309

Wednesday November 30

No way out. Have to learn to motivate myself and force my physical to do things, despite the situation.

I sacrificed physical experience in exchange for the feeling, because I did not want to face the shame that I had failed myself. Within that, it felt 'good' to believe that I was wronged so that I could extricate myself from responsibility and take the easy way out. Some would call it laziness, but that is not specific, it was a misunderstanding combined with the fear of losing that which I was aware that I truly cared deeply about. Upon realizing this point, I see that (at least part) of the solution is to whip my physical body into compliance with self-honesty, as there is no real choice in the matter. This meaning, I cannot continue to do what I 'want', I must do my best to prioritize what is 'needed'.

Facing my Terror, as if from high in the at most fear. To assist in gaining perspective for myself so that I can see a solution for problems which I need to face.

My work is to bridge the gap between that part of myself which I have lost connection with.

Why I don't ask for help? Many reasons. I feel like I am leeching, as my financial resources are strained. I don't necessarily know what to ask for, or if I ask, that the other(s) will have the solution for my problem. I feel I should be responsible and have acquired enough knowledge that I believe that I should be able to find the solutions for myself. I have had many issues in the past where I have asked for help and have been subverted, or given inadequate solutions to my problems.

I realize I have manipulated myself through withdrawing myself from participating and giving my best, because I believed that my protest/withdrawal would motivate others to assist me through them realizing that I was not participating. Manipulating others to try and get them to help, rather than take responsibility and do what I must do for myself and others in an active way. I did not trust myself, because I saw myself as equal to what was here, not realizing that I must change myself to instead, stand equal to life.   

Day 308

Sunday November 27

I learned that I have realized a great responsibility within myself, and so at times I push myself to fulfill that responsibility, which ought not be a bad thing, rather supportive in actuality, only I have to learn to forgive myself when I do make mistakes.

How we have desecrated the physical so extensively, and still not realized what we are doing to ourselves. We have allowed ourselves to exist in fear of introspection, of facing what is really here. We have preferred shame to self honesty. We cover up the truth of ourselves, we prefer the lie, because the lie feels better for the moment. We fear addressing the problem in the assumption that 'someone else has already considered it all' and thus there is no, and will be no solution ever, meanwhile, the solution is here as ourselves.

We justify ourselves as being too small to create the solution, which is nothing more than a terrible lie, as size is irrelevant in terms of self honesty.

I am greatly relieved to have realized myself to this point, and grateful for the support I have been given. I would like to be faithful to what has been given to me of existence, so that I might somehow support the creation of life here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my game and play for too long today without realizing how that I am sacrificing myself as the time that I have been given - and using that time in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with others because I feel that I am being prevented from helping and supporting others and myself in the process through judgments and criticizing. I should correct the point and at least blog as a point of self movement.  

Day 307

From Saturday November 26, 2016

Constructs.

Fear of letting everyone down

Fear of messing everything up

Fear of rejection

Process

I apologize for my inconsistency and instability as of late. Things have been tough going, and I have been learning a lot about myself, in how I have a tendency to handle certain situations and circumstances.  Through a considerable amount of writing and introspection over the last while, I am confident I have discovered the core issues within myself.  Now I will apply what I have learned and walk the points out as myself being the point of change and self-trust. 

Fears were suddenly manifest, at which point I did not see the starting point. My interpretation was that I was compromising the group somehow, and in looking at the point, it became clear that I was unaware of many dimensions, thus the potential for me to have realized my worst case scenario, as having messed up everything not only for myself, but for everyone else as well. This was not something I wanted to face, as there were many points which I did not understand, and thus I felt it was best if I just stop participating altogether. In hindsight, that was not the best idea, however it was my solution at the time... it was what I thought was best in light of the fact that I believed others were better suited for managing the direction of process in general. My fear was that I was being egotistical, and ranting without seeing my own shortfalls.

I realize I let things go on for too long, however I really did not see a real solution. I should have investigated more, rather than just hiding myself. I really thought it would be best if I just laid low for a while until things blew over, however, in doing that, I became stagnant and allowed other systems to play out within myself which compounded matters in a way that produced significant guilt and remorse - to the extent that I was even more reluctant to move myself. Instead, I became lost in my direction, and seriously suppressed within my own understanding of myself. I tried to change myself, but I could not escape my own guilt and the belief that I had completely messed things up for myself and everyone. I realized that applying oneself is nigh impossible without support. 

I realize that there is no place to hide from myself, no matter how ashamed I am of myself. I also realize that I was in a point of revenge, where I was trying to get others to take responsibility for what I had allowed, for what I refused to see and change within myself. I was blaming others instead of correcting my own patterns.

Perhaps I trusted myself too much without giving to others the opportunity to realize things for themselves, and in doing so, I came off as overbearing, thus creating a barrier to realization, also a fear as harm rather than support. I realize I was trying to make amends and correct my past through pushing myself onto others, and that created guilt within me. I was trying to 'do something good' to augment how I had judged myself as my past as 'disastrous' and 'inconsiderate'. I had not adequately forgiven myself for my past it seems.

I did not consider others within the point that, I was anxious to blog for my own purposes without considering what direction I should be going, I mistook liberty for equality - whereas I took the freedom instead of standing equal to the group.  I saw the point of self judgement, however I did not see the perspective of the solution to simply stand equal to the point, and stand equal to the group.  It sounds really dumb as this is what I have been practicing for so long, however there were a number of other issues that were complicating matters somewhat.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting everyone down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on ranting without having support of understanding my direction from the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, in myself being unaware of many dimensions, that I was thus guilty of all kinds of terrible things simply for being unaware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I was messing up everything for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others for the belief that I was messing up everything for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected, and so manifest the rejection of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I was compromising the group in some way in which I did not understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embarrass myself through a mental projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as less than, (or better than) rather than an equal member of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for my own created internal belief and justification that non communication is communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see beyond my programmed fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the potential to explore my options and ask for assistance and clarification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there was nothing I could do to correct the problem, in that I believed myself to be the problem, therefore I should have realized that I am also the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the problem was too extensive to correct in the short term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overbearing in pushing myself and my perspectives onto others without living the principles for myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to do something good in order to augment the guilt I had inside, where I now realize that first I must address, forgive and correct the guilt.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to adequately forgive and correct my past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be fully considerate of others and how I treat them as well as myself, as equals. 

Day 306

From Friday Nov 25 2016

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being betrayed, in that I fear that the process will turn me into a sissy and an ass kisser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that process will waste my time and have me doing things that are irrelevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough money to survive and hence fear going into more debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of frustration.

I feel frustrated, losing my chess games, feel like I am wasting time, losing time, losing money, losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete for betterness, superiority, or supremacy in anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately lose so that I can win in my mind (self pity) and be the judge of myself as a loser.

Looking into the point of why I went into the point of lust.

Day 305

From Thurs Nov 24 2016

Blockage last night. That is what it tested as. Point of suppression. Have not defended myself effectively. Allowed myself to be taken advantage of. Quite a rude awakening. Very aware of this point now. I feel I have finally passed this misalignment milestone. Now for reprisal and correction.

False Humility in all of my actions. Humility from the wrong starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be falsely humble from the starting point of fear and seeking to please others. I realize I have accepted and allowed this sick and twisted character to sabotage me for a very long time, with much consequence. I will address this head on within myself through observing my participation, watching my thoughts, words, and behaviors.

How can I discipline myself? Alignment with Goals, Talisman.

How can I move myself? Develop consistency and effectiveness.

How can I prevent suppression? Address it and expose it directly, with tenacity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the belief that I am not being effective enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not being effective enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not fit in, or that I do not know my place in this life.

Watched Avatar again tonight. Navi - Naive.

Tested, I will recover.