Day 328

Sat Dec 24

Another hindsight observation today of how the oversight on my Toyota problem reflected to me not looking into a situation deeply enough, and thus making the assumption that I knew what the problem was - and that I ASSUMED that it would not be able to be fixed... So in doing that, I lost possession of my vehicle, gave it away for a very low price, went through over a month of problems with trying to get the Honda on the road (which never worked), and had to pay out $2500 to get a new vehicle which I didn't even need in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by frustration in looking back at how I got myself into a financially terrible and stressful situation because of an oversight and assumption which I made. Within that I realize that I should have considered the problem more thoroughly before making the judgment call and condemning the vehicle as broken and un-fixable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume things are un repairable, or cannot be forgiven and corrected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my anger and resentment to get in the way of critical direct thinking processes where I have allowed emotions such as fear of confrontation, fear of shame, fear of humiliation, fear of expulsion, anger, and resentment take the place of common sense investigation, critique, cross referencing, and self criticism.

Rant

Feeling emotions of aggravation, suppression, frustrated by my own uncertainty and the fact that I have not created the perfect existence for myself, which does not exist, especially the way I would expect it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life is messed up beyond repair. I realize that I have time and opportunity to correct myself, to see the silver lining within all the 'bad' things that have happened to me in my life so that I can correct myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not know how to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change myself, people will balk, gossip, spite, hate, and be jealous of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by what other people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by speculation of what others think and could potentially do to me if I were to correct and align myself in taking a public stance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear backlash from others as public belittling, smearing, humiliation, snide comments, inconsideration, bullying, jealous reactions, and insinuations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly that I am unable to correct or move myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what is necessary to be done in this type of situation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how to correct myself so that I am off the hook with myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what programs/patterns are running in place of me taking responsibility for myself to correct myself.