Sunday Dec 18
Running in circles? Again, fear of making mistakes. Mistakes are a given, naturally they are part of the process, thus we must learn to accept our mistakes, trusting the process of forgiveness, even though that does not nullify consequences, the point to consider is to not be moved by fear of death/dying, or fear of suffering because the first priority is to transcend all fears.
Fear of mistakes causes deliberate aversion, and so the point plays out in consequence repeatedly because 'you never know until you try'.
The scary part is that we really don't know what we actually want, we are far more aware of what we think we want, thus our desires are misplaced, and it requires brutal self honesty to align our desires with what we are actually able to to, and what is really required to correct ourselves and our world. The evolution of process ought to produce results which begin to make this point clearer the farther along we get.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in Fear of my own Reactions because I have always known that I have the tendency to React STRONGLY in certain situations, and as I became aware that I have been unable to control my strong emotional/feeling reactions, I suppressed myself in order to prevent getting myself into awkward, embarrassing, humiliating, pathetic, losing, situations... Thus I was indirectly creating those type of pathetic, awkward, embarrassing, humiliating, situations through inactivity, active suppression, passive aggression, where I would act things out in my mind rather than express in the physical. Funny how no fuckers had the balls or the awareness to assist me with this point in my entire life. Here I was thinking that I am some kind of complete fuck up all of my life, yet it was by deliberate design and sabotage that I was not able to recognize this point within myself. Now that I have established control over my feelings/emotional reactions, fearing them is no longer necessary, and so neither is suppression necessary, and I should be able to develop confidence, directive, assertiveness, and be able to speak and act in concordance with myself, fearless and shameless, and able to express myself in a more passionate way.
Create a Treasure map of myself. Is there any treasure?
Solve problems. Stop procrastination. Stop being negative and blaming others. Stop feeling pathetic. Stop being angry and allowing that to determine my resonance. Stop using the state of the world as justifications for me to fail at changing myself and taking responsibility for myself. Do not allow myself to get sidetracked/distracted by the pity I feel for the less fortunate in this world.
Explore my opportunities. Learn from my mistakes. Challenge myself in something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself to my past mistakes, thinking that I can never get past my past as my mistakes, and so allowing them to continuously follow me, haunting me, and causing me to re-create my past mistakes - or worse, not even attempt to push/challenge myself out of fear of re-creating the same mistakes of the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate through pitying other beings in this world. I realize that I have pitied other beings for years and as such, have used that pattern as justification to sabotage myself, thinking that I am a good person and doing good by doing so - that way I could justify the good character/menal hero in my mind and at the same time avoid taking any real responsibilities in life because "I am aware of the deception, therefore I will not participate within it".
Where can I challenge myself to improve myself?
Creating myself as being Directive. Confident. Assertive. Passionate.
What motivates me?
Process. More specifically...
To realize the goal of changing myself to be life as what is best for all.
To Inspire others to do the same.
To stand in the face of the system without fear or shame.
Feeling very frustrated at the moment. I feel like there is nothing worth living for. I have no goals. Nothing interests me in this life, at least nothing that I can afford. Every time I turn around I am finding someone trying to teach me how the system works and how great they are. God this world sucks so bad! Why does my life suck? I realize it could be worse, and I understand that, and of course I do not want to experience it any worse... that is not the point of what I am asking. What is there here for me to do besides fucking w.o.w. ??
Why do I feel so defeated?
Why do I feel so resentful?
Why do I feel so doubtful?
Why do I feel so hopeless?
Why do I feel so angry?
Why do I feel so discouraged?
No Passion. Running on giving up/asceticism pattern.
Have to work on the word Passion. It could give me a new perspective, something to work on as myself without limitation or fear (in subconscious specifically). Confidence. Directive. Free of fear of failure. Free of guilt of the past. Free of fear of unknown, as all is known.
Things are not going the way I want them to go. I keep having major problems, recurring over and over and over again. Am I fucking creating this shit??? How??
Passion is the fruit of effectively applied, self directive effort.
I suspect I may have some buried rage programming within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bury rage within myself, as memories of me freaking out, having tantrums, exploding in internal anger within myself (which was not able to be fully expressed) at friends, family, and teachers because I felt offended and could not exact revenge on them in the moment for reasons like;
Fear of repercussions such as...
Fear of expulsion,
Fear of getting injured and/or dying,
Fear of being shamed by others,
Fear of creating a bad reputation for myself,
Fear that I would not be able to overcome my fears,
Fear that I would be judged,
Fear that I would be condemned within those judgments (hell).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be offended through not seeing the situations clearly, in what was attempted communication, therefore I did not understand the communication because I did not allow myself to see the whole picture of who I was and who others were within those situations, as well as the bigger picture.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excessively take things personally because I was sensitive (fearful of existence as the unknown, likely because I was more aware of myself and/or tuned to a different frequency than others). It is not that I was any less of a person - which was what I feared not knowing myself - but only a matter of perspective in that I had not understood myself and had not yet tested myself within understanding. I did not want to act out without fully understanding myself, although some times I was forced to.
Allow me to exercise my passion, alone to test to see if it is real. I have looked into myself, into my unconscious mind, and I have seen no ill intent, no more self deception at the source. I have been suicidal in recent weeks. Perhaps there is a fear of pain and suffering still lingering within my physical body as programming. Perhaps I have kept that intentionally to protect myself from harm.
Imagining myself were I to stand in absolute self honesty. I was placing myself as standing equal to the group, when in fact, I must stand Equal to Life as myself, as self honesty, honesty to self as who I am here. Just realizing this point in a new way.
I have been losing interest in my games, even in searching the internet for new information. I could not see myself participating with the group, as things felt 'wrong'. I had been suppressing myself because I could not see a way for me to be real with myself.