Day 323

Monday Dec 19

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress excessively over money, so much that it consumes my energy and puts me in a constant state of anxiety in my physical body and I lose touch with my physical process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed with thoughts as projections of myself in dire circumstances due to lack of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed financial affairs to dictate who I am in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create myself as who I would like to be because of worry and fear over money and debt.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change myself despite my financial situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others, and thus punish myself over financial standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and condemn myself over the state of my finances and the financial system as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to dictate my state of mind/consciousness.

My directive application to counter this is breath, slow down, make an effort to relax. Do not allow myself to be moved by fears. Address fears in self forgiveness.

Feel a desire for intimacy. Is it a design? Is there any valid feeling/experience which I can experience that will help me feel better - not better than, but something I can work with and trust that will enable me move myself effectively, and perhaps enable me to enjoy and fulfill my life experience... so that I am not getting down on myself.

Sources of Depressed state of mind

fear of embarrassment

fear of nothing valid to contribute

fear of no place as not 'fitting in'

fear of having a lack of confidence

fear of having a lack of self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassment, being embarrassed by others, embarrassing myself and being trapped in the state of embarrassment that would ultimately lead to shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have nothing valid to contribute. I must have something as I am here and able to communicate as part of a whole, one reality.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by guilt, in the context of believing I have nothing valid to contribute and thus not participating, and thus going into aversions and distractions which will ultimately lead to problems and more guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have 'no place' as in not 'fitting in' anywhere or with anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own programming as fear of self-condemnation. I direct myself to understand what it is to live self acceptance within myself and others. I suspect I am not aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a lack of confidence. I see this point arising from anger and frustration because I have allowed myself to be stuck/stagnant within this point for a long time, as I avoided facing the starting point of this issue within myself.

Lacking Confidence - reasons.

- Blaming others for my problems

- Desiring others to solve my problems for me (despite me actually working very hard to correct myself, my efforts were not as effective as could be, evidently the problem was not solved entirely... not corrected at the root of the issue.)

- Subjected myself to the belief that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire comfort as a form of love energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I have desired comfort, and comfort as love energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my future out of fears