Day 313

Wed Dec 7

Good feeling this morning. Is it just a polarity, or is it a result of a realization. Is it celebration before change, or have I actually changed. I see where I can improve and do better within the context of support for myself and others. I must have an outlet where I can share, in supporting others and the process as a whole. I will not allow myself to fall into the same traps as I have before, where I left myself open, in the sense that I allowed myself to be insulted, and this was permitted because I did not trust myself in my standing. Also, I was not in alignment in standing with the group as an equal. I was trying to help people, but then when I had a moment of tiredness, I expressed without temperance, as if I were attempting to push buttons to test the limits, and ended up in a face plant.

Remember when blogging or expressing is NO PERSONALITY.

DIY Salvation

I wish that everything that I do would be for the creation of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pinned down by guilt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot move myself and change myself in spite of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than, and unworthy of change, and unworthy of self trust. I realize that I must build myself up within the point of establishing self trust and change, and that that is not sinful, or evil, as I am giving myself the opportunity to change, and as long as I am breathing, I can change myself in order to support Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing positive or supportive to share, I realize that these ideas are created in my mind as means of suppression so that I do not change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about going through (and getting stuck) in the process of change. I realize that there is an underlying believe that others are judging me - as a failure and a fool for not following through with what I started. This belief is unreliable as I do not know that that is what people are thinking of me for certain. Besides that, what people think of me is irrelevant to, and should not have impact on how I conduct myself within my process. It is my process, and my responsibility. I must not use others as an excuse to remain stuck within guilt, regret, condemnation, and judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get down on myself to a point of feeling angry at others in despair. I realize that things are unstable, and that I am responsible for creating these circumstances for myself. As a play out of this, it is going to cause me anxiety as well as trigger all kinds of system reactions. Within that - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my circumstances through making poor decisions based on fear of loss, fear of shame, fear of humiliation. I realize that these reactions do not support life, but rather create more problems for myself. I realize that these points are showing me that I have not yet stopped the fears within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear LOSS of possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of sanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of companionship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of mobility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of ability to move myself, as the fear of doing things that would qualify me and validate me as being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled and condemned as bad, evil, sinful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being despised by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear in that I fear that I will not be able to transcend fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not or will not have enough knowledge to transcend everything I must transcend in order to be life in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to stand in and as the physical in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to push myself and motivate myself to the realization of my ultimate desire of creating myself as equal to life within the physical.

I realize that this desire is very clouded from being at the forefront of my being, it is not clearly understood because I have to think about it for a moment in order to understand that this is my path, as the path I wish to take, only I must push my physical body towards this goal because my physical body is filled with programs that are still directing me to live in self interest.

There seems to be a point of embarrassment, lack of trust, or unworthiness within me where I believe that I am unworthy because I have messed things up in the past. I see it as a fear that I will again in the future mess things up, and let others down through my lack of perspective, or inconsideration. Having the Aries zodiac design, I see that I can be headstrong in attempting to crash through objectives in order to 'get it done' as quickly and efficiently as possible. I realize that this is not always the best option, and I can transcend this point through thinking things through. At the same time, I can still use forthrightness, only in a tempered way as to not overstep my responsibility and trample on others inadvertently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so headstrong as a ram in attempting to crash through all barriers. I realize that at times it is acceptable, while at other times, it is best to think things through with patience and temperance.