Day 311

Monday Dec 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ***** as an emotional and feeling dump, trying to hide, or get rid of all of my negative emotions through the experience of energetic highs and lows.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ***** will solve my problems, when in actuality it is only a temporary solution that does not solve anything in the long term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed of myself for my past as what I have accepted and allowed within the points of sex and masturbation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in shame, and so allowing the temporary feeling of shame to direct and control me.

I am getting a negative, low feeling when addressing these points, as the awareness of shame which I have run from for most of my life. I have always been trying to escape shame, as the thought of being ashamed was an awful, negative emotion which I did not want to experience. So rather than address the problem, I tried to hide and escape from it, through various means of not facing it, like pretending that I wasn't aware, going into vivid imaginations in my mind where I could feel better about myself to offset the fear that I was to be ashamed of myself. So I compounded the problem of shame to the extent that I made more problems for myself, and indirectly others through not facing the point of shame.

Is there something I am missing - relationship?... obviously there is a disconnect.