Wednesday November 30
No way out. Have to learn to motivate
myself and force my physical to do things, despite the situation.
I sacrificed physical experience in
exchange for the feeling, because I did not want to face the shame
that I had failed myself. Within that, it felt 'good' to believe
that I was wronged so that I could extricate myself from
responsibility and take the easy way out. Some would call it
laziness, but that is not specific, it was a misunderstanding
combined with the fear of losing that which I was aware that I truly
cared deeply about. Upon realizing this point, I see that (at least
part) of the solution is to whip my physical body into compliance
with self-honesty, as there is no real choice in the matter. This
meaning, I cannot continue to do what I 'want', I must do my best to
prioritize what is 'needed'.
Facing my Terror, as if from high in
the at most fear. To assist in gaining perspective for myself so
that I can see a solution for problems which I need to face.
My work is to bridge the gap between
that part of myself which I have lost connection with.
Why I don't ask for help? Many
reasons. I feel like I am leeching, as my financial resources are
strained. I don't necessarily know what to ask for, or if I ask,
that the other(s) will have the solution for my problem. I feel I
should be responsible and have acquired enough knowledge that I
believe that I should be able to find the solutions for myself. I
have had many issues in the past where I have asked for help and have
been subverted, or given inadequate solutions to my problems.
I realize I have manipulated myself
through withdrawing myself from participating and giving my best,
because I believed that my protest/withdrawal would motivate others
to assist me through them realizing that I was not participating.
Manipulating others to try and get them to help, rather than take
responsibility and do what I must do for myself and others in an
active way. I did not trust myself, because I saw myself as equal to
what was here, not realizing that I must change myself to instead,
stand equal to life.
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