Wednesday November 30
No way out. Have to learn to motivate myself and force my physical to do things, despite the situation.
I sacrificed physical experience in exchange for the feeling, because I did not want to face the shame that I had failed myself. Within that, it felt 'good' to believe that I was wronged so that I could extricate myself from responsibility and take the easy way out. Some would call it laziness, but that is not specific, it was a misunderstanding combined with the fear of losing that which I was aware that I truly cared deeply about. Upon realizing this point, I see that (at least part) of the solution is to whip my physical body into compliance with self-honesty, as there is no real choice in the matter. This meaning, I cannot continue to do what I 'want', I must do my best to prioritize what is 'needed'.
Facing my Terror, as if from high in the at most fear. To assist in gaining perspective for myself so that I can see a solution for problems which I need to face.
My work is to bridge the gap between that part of myself which I have lost connection with.
Why I don't ask for help? Many reasons. I feel like I am leeching, as my financial resources are strained. I don't necessarily know what to ask for, or if I ask, that the other(s) will have the solution for my problem. I feel I should be responsible and have acquired enough knowledge that I believe that I should be able to find the solutions for myself. I have had many issues in the past where I have asked for help and have been subverted, or given inadequate solutions to my problems.
I realize I have manipulated myself through withdrawing myself from participating and giving my best, because I believed that my protest/withdrawal would motivate others to assist me through them realizing that I was not participating. Manipulating others to try and get them to help, rather than take responsibility and do what I must do for myself and others in an active way. I did not trust myself, because I saw myself as equal to what was here, not realizing that I must change myself to instead, stand equal to life.