Day 315

Friday December 9

Ready or not, here I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose layer upon layer of my own self interested beliefs onto reality, creating belief after belief thus I am preventing existence from realizing itself by way of imposition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to show my appreciation to those whom have helped me so much through my struggles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone showing my appreciation to those whom have assisted and supported me through difficulties in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to show my appreciation in physicality to all who have assisted and supported me throughout my process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my mind to what I can and can not be, who I can be with and who I can not be with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect, forget, and postpone doing self forgiveness because I feel uncertain about what I should do forgiveness for. I realize that points come up when and as I apply myself in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and get down on myself, specifically for failures of the past, and me projecting those failures into the future as a fear. I realize that this is self sabotage, and not how I would like to direct myself within my process. I also realize that I can imagine my worst case scenario and work through those fears using self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust my own ability to do something supportive for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing appreciation towards others who help me out because I feared that it would put me in an inferior/disadvantaged state through definition.

Just came back from a walk. feeling a little bit emotional. Looking into myself a number of points present themselves.

How I have taken the position of inferiority often when speaking with people in order to facilitate communication, or to enable/give room for expression. That is representative of how I have allowed myself to judge myself for over-extending myself within an effort to assist others, and in so doing, abdicated my own responsibility, as self-responsibility.

I am a little concerned about me not creating an outlet for myself, as a means of expression besides sexually. I would like to write, however I suspect that I will have to build myself up a little, confidence wise before attempting public writing again. For now, private will do, and I will post some blogs on the forums.