Day 307

From Saturday November 26, 2016

Constructs.

Fear of letting everyone down

Fear of messing everything up

Fear of rejection

Process

I apologize for my inconsistency and instability as of late. Things have been tough going, and I have been learning a lot about myself, in how I have a tendency to handle certain situations and circumstances.  Through a considerable amount of writing and introspection over the last while, I am confident I have discovered the core issues within myself.  Now I will apply what I have learned and walk the points out as myself being the point of change and self-trust. 

Fears were suddenly manifest, at which point I did not see the starting point. My interpretation was that I was compromising the group somehow, and in looking at the point, it became clear that I was unaware of many dimensions, thus the potential for me to have realized my worst case scenario, as having messed up everything not only for myself, but for everyone else as well. This was not something I wanted to face, as there were many points which I did not understand, and thus I felt it was best if I just stop participating altogether. In hindsight, that was not the best idea, however it was my solution at the time... it was what I thought was best in light of the fact that I believed others were better suited for managing the direction of process in general. My fear was that I was being egotistical, and ranting without seeing my own shortfalls.

I realize I let things go on for too long, however I really did not see a real solution. I should have investigated more, rather than just hiding myself. I really thought it would be best if I just laid low for a while until things blew over, however, in doing that, I became stagnant and allowed other systems to play out within myself which compounded matters in a way that produced significant guilt and remorse - to the extent that I was even more reluctant to move myself. Instead, I became lost in my direction, and seriously suppressed within my own understanding of myself. I tried to change myself, but I could not escape my own guilt and the belief that I had completely messed things up for myself and everyone. I realized that applying oneself is nigh impossible without support. 

I realize that there is no place to hide from myself, no matter how ashamed I am of myself. I also realize that I was in a point of revenge, where I was trying to get others to take responsibility for what I had allowed, for what I refused to see and change within myself. I was blaming others instead of correcting my own patterns.

Perhaps I trusted myself too much without giving to others the opportunity to realize things for themselves, and in doing so, I came off as overbearing, thus creating a barrier to realization, also a fear as harm rather than support. I realize I was trying to make amends and correct my past through pushing myself onto others, and that created guilt within me. I was trying to 'do something good' to augment how I had judged myself as my past as 'disastrous' and 'inconsiderate'. I had not adequately forgiven myself for my past it seems.

I did not consider others within the point that, I was anxious to blog for my own purposes without considering what direction I should be going, I mistook liberty for equality - whereas I took the freedom instead of standing equal to the group.  I saw the point of self judgement, however I did not see the perspective of the solution to simply stand equal to the point, and stand equal to the group.  It sounds really dumb as this is what I have been practicing for so long, however there were a number of other issues that were complicating matters somewhat.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting everyone down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on ranting without having support of understanding my direction from the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, in myself being unaware of many dimensions, that I was thus guilty of all kinds of terrible things simply for being unaware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I was messing up everything for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others for the belief that I was messing up everything for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected, and so manifest the rejection of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I was compromising the group in some way in which I did not understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embarrass myself through a mental projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as less than, (or better than) rather than an equal member of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for my own created internal belief and justification that non communication is communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see beyond my programmed fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the potential to explore my options and ask for assistance and clarification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there was nothing I could do to correct the problem, in that I believed myself to be the problem, therefore I should have realized that I am also the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the problem was too extensive to correct in the short term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overbearing in pushing myself and my perspectives onto others without living the principles for myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to do something good in order to augment the guilt I had inside, where I now realize that first I must address, forgive and correct the guilt.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to adequately forgive and correct my past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be fully considerate of others and how I treat them as well as myself, as equals.