Day 303

From Tuesday  Nov 22, 2016

Many things come into question.  What is my potential?  How would I ever know if I suppress myself, avoid facing my problems, and entertain fear failure?  I have taken out my internal resentment on others through self-suppression and refusing to help myself or others.  Frustrated by past failures, not realizing why things were happening the way they were, I had had enough of it and quit trying.  I sacrificed myself for others, thinking that that was the best thing to do, but it only ended up creating more internal anger and problems for myself.  I have to  keep moving either way, so I may as well make effort to discover how I can become as effective as possible, as well as aligning myself in a way that is also effective and enjoyable.  The fact that I am so upset is evidence that I have not fulfilled my potential. I didn't think it possible, and though I cannot blame myself for that, I have to live with myself and the fact that I did not give my best, which is awful to have to live with for any stretch of time.

Astonished how we hide behind others to shield ourselves from facing our fears.  It is not such a hostile act, more than it is motivated by terror of being ostracized and condemned from life in shame.

Why do I not understand myself?  Hiding myself within the belief that I must be utterly ashamed of myself for not having realized myself.  I have allowed myself to be miserable for quite some time. Things have felt so off, yet I have accepted it as just 'what it is' and unchangeable.  Life has no guarantees, which illustrates our default state of fear.

I keep trying to understand myself through logic, continually getting lost in the process, never at peace with myself... as though pieces are missing.  Important pieces. Though I pass it off in my mind.  Things in life aren't logical.

So I keep beating myself up over my confusion and uncertainty.  Again I look at the point of Trust.  Who do I trust? What do I trust?  I seem to have a different answer each time I ask myself.  Upon deep introspection, I find I do trust myself, because deep down I really want equality, and life to be free from enslavement.  That part of myself I trust, yet I have prevented myself from standing in perfection in relation to that point, likely because I have not fully realized parts of myself.  My full understanding of myself has been held as a belief - I believe that I fully understand myself - Self Deception.  I have held many assumptions (as placeholders for actuality) which contribute to uncertainty.  If thine eye be single...

Why have I been afraid to try or to ask?  Fear of failure? Fear of shame? Fear of exclusion?  Fear of humiliation?  Do I really fear these things?  Don't think so, as I have done SF on these fears extensively.  Perhaps there is a dimension or dimensions I missed in relation to other aspects of myself.

I have put so much energy into self suppression because I did not recognize/realize my utmost potential.  I made excuses simply because that was how I was trained/programmed to think in terms of finding justifications - no justifications are acceptable.  I was so loaded down with guilt and shame that I did not consider myself as worthy of life.  Thus anger, resentment, revenge, withdrawal, and hiding behind excuses... primarily the belief that I was too deeply messed up to realize myself.

Am I asking too much of life?  Am I imposing myself and my problems onto others?  I tend to do the opposite, in trying to do everything myself, believing that to be self responsibility.  Is it accurate to say that - within self honesty - one can not ask too much of life?  One would have to define self honesty.  So, at this point, what is self honesty to me?  I would say to be responsible to all, self and others in doing what is best and necessary to be done.  Changing within the physical, as the physical in concordance with the principle as life.  Seems easy to escape by that definition, however the certainty of consequence demonstrates that there is no escape.

I must learn to Create, and Un-create effectively.

My forgiveness has been a form of carpet bombing, and some from the starting point of fear in that 'I should just do sf on this just in case there is a point there' which is ok to get things moving, but I must clear the relevant points.

I see how I lose patients with myself and allow myself to get angry with myself.  This reinforces the belief that I cant do the process, succumbing to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and get frustrated with myself within walking this process.

I commit myself to be humble with myself and others, and not allow myself to succumb and give in to fear, anger, and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others as a springboard for my own betterment and advancement in this world and in this process.   I realize I must support myself within this system which entails selling my goods and services.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take resentment and fear of failure out on others through suppressing myself and refusing to help others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself in the process due to fear of shame and humiliation.  I realize that I am creating fear shame and humiliation through refusing to change, and entertaining those fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my best to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind others while deceiving myself with the belief that I am helping, supporting or doing some kind of good.   I realize that I must walk effectively in thought word and deed in order to align myself to the principle of living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe others from a distance without participating myself in order to contribute to changing this world into a place that honors life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my situation or circumstance is unchangeable, and within that justifying the act of giving up on myself and others.  I realize that things look pretty bad sometimes, but giving up is just submitting myself to fear, rather than making every possible effort to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others in the belief that they have it easier than I do.  Within that I am trying to feel better about myself through tearing others down.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize what support has been given to me through my struggles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get back at others indirectly through suppressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having failed to recognize.  If I recognize a point, then I have not failed, it just took longer.  As long as I am here, I can learn and change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking too much, and so imposing myself onto others.  I realize I must ask for help at times.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize my utmost potential.  I realize this is reaping what I have sewn, as fear, self deception, and believing that I know myself, and believing I have walked the necessary points within myself when I have missed points because I have not walked them effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create mind relationships which do not support the principle of life within thought word and deed.   Self Beliefs.