Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Day 374 - Life Lessons - Poor Guidance

March 4

I had a friend who told me a story of how someone he knew was slightly molested by their guidance councilor.  This caused me to think twice about getting guidance, along with the fact I really didn't trust that our schools guidance councilor had any idea what he was doing.  My parents were of little help in that department, and I moved out relatively early due to relationship issues.  When it came to choosing what to do in life, I really had no idea what or where or how.  I took a couple years to decide after high school and went tree planting in B.C.  It was a very cool adventure and had its fair share of learning experiences.  When I finally decided to go to college, one of the courses I wanted to choose was being taken by a guy I really didn't like at all, needless to say I didn't end up taking that course.  I felt as though I would have been good at computer programming, but the courses for that were full at the time.  So feeling the crunch (as I had missed the sign-up date the previous year) I chose a networking course which wasn't exactly what I wanted, but at least it was something.  That course was somewhat interesting, although grossly convoluted with useless information, but eventually it did help me land a good paying job.  Ten years later, I was transferred and ended up losing my position due to being placed with a boss that didn't really like me for whatever reason.  

A year or two later, I went back to college for a building construction course, which I felt was a necessary change of atmosphere partly because I felt my computer skills were obsolete, and partly because I felt I needed to be outside more.  I did not fully account for the difficulties of the switch in careers, which was significant to say the least.  

After I finished the course, the transition into the workplace was quite rough.  I worked with one guy who didn't pay me for close to 3 months of work.  I went to court and won the case, however there was no enforcement of the law, and after two years in court, I got only one check from him, leaving close to three thousand in balance owing.  I worked for another company who didn't pay me for 3 weeks of work, for which I opened a case with the labor board at the time, and they politely filed it with the other complaints against this company and nothing ever happened.   After a couple more short term employment mishaps, and going back to a minimum wage job with no benefits whatsoever, I finally decided to try running my own business.  I remember that day feeling really good about my decision.  It was very tough at first, but there was a lot of learning without anyone for a teacher, hence some difficult experiences, but I was getting it done and enjoying the challenges for the most part.  At least it was better than not getting paid at all, although that happened a few times, teaching me to be more direct and specific about the contracts I make.  My estimating was terrible, and often I would be doing jobs taking twice as long as what I had originally accounted for.  This happened over, and over, and over.  It seemed that no matter what, I could not learn my lesson of underestimating the amount of time involved.  So financially it takes a toll over time if things don't add up.  At least I have all of that experience behind me now. 

I now see the importance of having a niche, however I don't have a niche, and I prefer a change.  I have been extremely fortunate to be able to survive all of the injuries, pit falls, and potential disasters in this industry.  I am in significant debt which has greatly hindered my social/relationship development, perhaps it is for the better.  I have survived this far, so with all that experience, I think I need to have a team, (as well as a niche) however that is easier said than done.  I need to keep moving and working hard, and estimating things properly.  I need to keep advertising and stay healthy.  Being single with no support is a significant risk in this industry.  I put my back out 2 times in the past month, however the job is moving slowly in the winter so I have had time to recover.  My spleen has been giving me slight pains, so I suspect my marijuana use has to slow considerably or stop altogether.  Should be an interesting summer.  At least my vehicle is working, although I think a trailer would be fairly helpful.  There must be an easier way.  The current job is going fairly well, and I am grateful for the opportunity to take responsibility to work for myself again.  I wonder what I would have been doing had I sought out proper guidance earlier in my life.  

Marijuana influencing spleen recovery, anxiety/stress notice in right ear.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated by exuberance, I realize exuberance is a form of beauty within celebration and thus unacceptable 
given the collective state

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deny my primal nature in favor of a delusional ego identity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in naivety towards what is real and necessary to stand as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from sharing my spiritual realizations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions and judgments of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the use of imagination in order to see other options in finding ways around obstacles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my focus on the objective in favor of fear and self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to humiliation, shame, and ridicule as opposed to changing to correct myself in a way that is best for myself and all life. 

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