Day 372 - Positivity, Negativity and Entitlement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - in early stages - Create within myself vastly over-extended, exuberant states of Positivity, where I create and project wild illusions, rushing ahead of the process without understanding the full context of the physical process of creation - and what is the priority - as firstly, before self interest, in order to change our world, I/we must stand as Equals to create what is Best for All Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - in latter stages, when my hopes and wild expectations are dashed - Create Negativity, being upset, and frustrated to the point of giving and up giving in. This opposed to, realizing that I have not fully understood or realized how the physical process of creation works, and that many fascinating potentials can open up which I had not ever considered, if I persist in the path of realization of Equality as the Solution to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - not follow through - pushing myself through resistances (within trusting myself that I have Equal value as Life) to the extent that I reach a break through in some way, such as a realization, a connection, an opening of doors, or opportunities, or an effective movement in the direction of expanding the principle of Equality in some way that creates change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am Entitled to (limiting) personal belief systems, where I believe that 'Everyone is Entitled to their own opinion' and it is okay to have personal beliefs in spite of what is actually physically real and able to be tested as Best for All Life or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am Entitled because someone else has granted me the belief that I have the right to feel and believe that I am Entitled to something.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that Entitlement is based on the ideas that someone else is responsible, or that I am somehow better than or more deserving than others, which is obvious self deception.    

Day 371

Feb 14

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am just copying others as what I have learned within process material and videos. I see this as a fear of being fake/superficial/not real with myself, and that this is unsubstantiated, and besides the point of actually moving myself to apply whatever tools are necessary to change myself. Additionally I can modify the techniques in a way that suits my approach best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am imposing myself on others or forcing myself on others, and within that I realize that the only way I can determine if I am becoming overbearing is if I am inwardly stable and moving within self awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have no particular special ability. I realize that this simply means there is more to myself to be discovered, created, tested, and worked out in physicality - and this is no excuse not to make an effort, as an honest effort will have an honest reward, if I am honest with myself.

Within these points I am grateful for the opportunities I have for learning how to change myself in real time, and I realize that that is only possible with perspective in alignment to the actual nature of reality and the process.   

Day 370

Feb 13

I must apologize for my lack of consistency and lack of participation. I have been struggling with a variety of issues, and I have become increasingly aware of a vast number of challenges which I must face in all areas of my life. Some of the main points in question are my lack of ability to follow through on my own directives, evasiveness, distraction, fear of letting others down, and a considerable amount of negativity in my approach to problems. There are many other points in addition to these, however these are the most obvious in the context of giving them definition as a starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop short of my goals without following through thoroughly enough to see things through to my objectives. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to plan and plot out an effective and reasonable approach to how I will achieve my objectives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be evasive with myself and so allow myself to escape my responsibilities to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting others down prevent me from performing responsibilities which are required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain a considerable amount of negativity in my approach (thought, words, and deeds) to problems and life in general. I realize that this is a major point which I must work on in order to correct myself in directing myself effectively and solving problems which must be addressed and taken care of.

Day 369

Feb 12

Read CJTL day 74 today and found it to be quite a wake up call. It assisted me to see things from a fresh perspective in how I must live forgiveness in each moment of breath as directive principle. I was aware and directing most of my breathing today and it seemed somewhat effortless, yet likely driven by the fear instilled through reading the blog. I feel ready to push myself again into all things process, and I do not expect to again fall victim to reactions or insecurity. Time will tell if this time I am able to honor my commitment to create myself as Life as Equal.

I need to blog, establish DIP again, as well as investigate ways in which I can support and be supported.   

Day 368

Feb 11

List all of my problems

Primarily not following through. Bowling example from my youth.

Selfish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish and lack consideration for others.

Beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider others within a belief rather than physical consideration

Trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my trust of myself.

Uncertainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself within confusion and uncertainty

Fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating myself as who I would be without being directed by fear, or self interest.

Lack of Self Discipline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity of self discipline where I must push myself and motivate myself to birth myself as life in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in chronic negativity within negative thoughts feelings and emotions which lead to a dead end, where I have allowed myself to believe the lie that there is no solution to the problems I face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self judgment so much that I prevent myself from participating with the group in doing what needs to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that ambiguity is a sign of lack of directive principle, where I have allowed a fear to control me into a point of hesitation and uncertainty rather than trusting myself and the support provided to enable me to find a solution to my problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Evasive within procrastination, distracting myself from points that need to be addressed, and avoiding doing the work that needs to be done. I commit myself to stop procrastinating and pushing through my resistances in order to accomplish what must be done in my process and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in Rebelliousness as a point of doubt or distrust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my past as deep religious programming as an excuse and justification to blind me from seeing my own points of ego and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Reactionary as opposed to being here in breath, and when a point arises which causes conflict within myself, I realize I must at that point stop myself from any reactions, breathe, and take directive principle to create the appropriate solution to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from initial Reactions go into points of Anger, frustration, self Doubt, cynicism, giving up, giving in, and not following through on my commitments to honor Life. I realize that this is a simple common sense point, where I must be prepared for in each moment as within practicing breath awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand the source points which have prevented me from correcting the problems in my life and process, and so allowed points of stagnation within me which have lead to further consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suicidal thoughts, thinking and believing that I can get out of this situation through suicide. I realize that that is not a solution by any means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supporting others within uncertainty towards my own abilities - this rather than simply trusting myself to do what needs to be done in Equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget and abandon the tools of the process out of fear of creating problems for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my financial situation as an excuse to pity myself and exclude myself from participating in process. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting others down should I have further unfortunate consequences in my life which lead to shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use health problems as an excuse and justification for me not participating with others in process of self forgiveness and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Addictions as justification for not participating in process and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create extensive compounding manifested consequences for myself, and within that give up because I feel it is too much to handle. I realize I must get support in order to find solutions to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egocentric and selfish, thinking only of myself and not considering others as Equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in suppression and depression. I realize that these states of mind are not conducive to process, and I am able to change myself to be here in breath simply moving myself in doing what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection. I realize that I must change my perspective to that of standing Equal to others as the physical to prevent this mind construct from initiating control over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as Unworthy. I realize that all are responsible for what we have collectively created, and thus I must take responsibility to forgive myself so that I may be here in breath creating myself as equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the Nihilistic personality type. I realize that this personality is that of an Escapist, someone who does not wish to face self, but prefers to take a negative approach so as to avoid confrontation due to fear of standing as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself, in that I have not accepted myself but chosen to judge myself out of my ability to participate in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack focus as a point of me not directing myself to be here in breath in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack directive principle.

Chronic Negativity

Self Judgment

Ambiguous

Evasive

Rebellious

Deep religious programming > Blinded in my ability to see my own points of ego

Reactionary > Patterns of deep unresolved Anger > Frustration > Doubtful > Cynical > Giving up > Giving in > Not following through > Inability to change as the source points/issues has not been fully understood and dealt with effectively

Suicidal

Unable to ascertain my own ability to support others

Keep forgetting tools of the process

Unstable financially

Compounding Health issues

Addictions

Extensive manifested compounding consequences

Suppressed

Depressed

Fear Rejection

Defined myself and unworthy - expand on this

Nihilistic - hopelessness

Lack of self acceptance

Lack of focus

Lack of directive principle

Ancestral behavioral programming

Self worth polarity

Self Doubt

Making many 'mistakes'

Slow

Distracted

Failure

Angry

Blame others

Blaming the system

Survival Defense mechanisms

Vengeful

Fear of judgment

Fear of consequence

Fear of shame

Fear of humiliation

Cynical - Projecting negative outcomes extensively

Not asking for help

Unwilling to let go and move forward

Giving up as a point of protecting myself and others from what I suspect would be harmful consequences... as projected failure, nothing of value, shame. Foreseeing my health problems as a threat, as a major fear within me is having to have others take care of me, as me fearing the revelation that I have not taken responsibility for myself and feeling ashamed within that.

Make video / blog on topics

Words to be lived as physical solutions to each point/construct

Day 367

Feb 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in lust in spite of the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in negativity, synicism, negetive thinking. I will from this point forward move myself positively in the direction that is necessary to be walked in order to correct myself to align with what is best for all life.

Prioritize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect prioritization of my life and process.

hermit syndrome.  

Day 366

Feb 5

Recall being gripped by anxiety when I was younger

I have some time, but have no Inspiration as to what to do ???. Do I really have nothing to give?

Look through my notes to get an action plan

Problem - fear letting others down

Solution - Find a way to support others

Problem - not moving to correction

Solution - address and create the correction in physicality

Problem - stagnation

Solution - Realize any moment can be a point of break through self change, self forgiveness on limitation

Problem - giving up

Solution - address the point of why I am giving up and take myself back to the starting point to begin again trusting myself to not give up

Problem - I have no talent or special ability

Solution - self forgiveness until I realize a point of responsibility or support

Problem - unstable health and finances

Solution - push through resistances and find ways to express Consideration, Confidence, and Awareness

Problem - self doubt

Solution - build self trust through self movement doing little things, stop compromising self honesty

Problem - self honesty not established

Solution - return to starting point of breath

Problem - embarrassed of myself

Solution - self forgiveness on self judgment, realize that I am here and part of existence and committed to creating a world that is best for all

Problem - fear there is nothing I can do

Solution - address through sf, and do something to prove this believe to be a falsity with no valid starting point

Problem - unable to distinguish between mind and beingness within self expression

Solution - return to starting point

Problem - competetiveness

Solution - use competition as a means of becoming aware of reactions and applying self forgiveness and changing in real time

Problem - fear being ridiculed

Solution - sf

Problem - lack of self esteem/self worth

Solution - build self confidence through walking out individual points of self honesty to a point of change

Problem - self worth judged from the point of financial standing

Solution - self forgiveness on self judgment

Day 365

Feb 4

Focus on practical to understand dynamics of environment

I have no particular strengths besides physical strength, which is waning, and what has been programmed.

My whole life has been programmed and trained in competitive thinking, so it is no wonder that I feel a sense of failure. I attempted to spite the system through abstaining from participation, which is how I perceived myself to have won in my mind - seeing and defining those who participated in the game who tried to win as evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the mental strategy of believing that I am better than, because I chose to abstain from participating - for fear of rejection and/or losing - while I secretly judged those who participated in the physical as evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as better than/less than and use those judgments as a means of justification in order to win the competition in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on winning and losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation as a consequence of communicating and expressing myself in a way that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feelings of anger and resentment, and so use those feelings as justification in order to allow myself to abstain from participation so that I may wallow in the emotions of self pity

Day 364

Feb 2

Part 2

Creating a story

Perspective - Allowing principle to express through me as opposed to me trying to be me as my programmed personality.

Voice Recording - Art gallery inspiration

Create an avenue of expression

Convey a message that can assist

Words - Self honesty, honor

B Quotes CJTL

Calligraphy

Outline Goals

Refocus

Plot the course of expansion, movement, inspiration, motivation

Blowing the lid off of limitation in self investigation and creation

Part 1

Feel much better this morning after what felt like a heart attack last night at 3 am. Apparently it was only acid re-flux/gas. I had pain in the chest, weakness, shaking, shortness of breath, all of which would come and go. I got in my car and began to drive myself to the hospital, which is 40 minutes away. Did not think I would make it, but after driving for about 10 minutes, I began to feel better, so I turned around and came back home. Terrifying experience, and after all I am grateful and relieved. Amazing how acid re-flux and gas can mimic those symptoms. Careful with the coffees.

Redefining words

Day 363

Feb 1

Just realizing in hindsight how things work and are connected down to the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself in moments of distraction. I realize the necessity of breath awareness, as this point demonstrating me allowing myself to be distracted and thus becoming lost in mental activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - when I sense a point of turmoil within myself - not address it and immediately move myself to a solution and asking for assistance when necessary - so that I may clear myself and prevent further compounding consequences for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - go into lock-down, inner defense mechanisms, coping mechanisms, isolation, suppression and denial within myself as an outflow of how I created myself in the past within the fear of survival construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the realization of submission to process as a point of trust, where I am certain that I can trust the process, and if it comes to a point of disagreement I realize that the principle is the top priority and not my will as self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must combine all of the tools in conjunction so as to be effective in walking process. That is, Breath Awareness, Not Reacting, Directive Principle, Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Correction whenever necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel justified within the belief that I am right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear offending others.

Day 362

Jan 31

My apologies for the absence.  What I really wish for in my life is for myself to stand as, and in support of Equality as Life. I am creating myself within a role of responsibility to myself and others in a way in which I can be Confident and Considerate within Awareness. This way I can move forward in the way I see as Best for All, including myself.

I realize I am not special within this, as such is foundational within Equality, though I have participated within inferiority/superiority polarities in times past. Having said that, there are a number of reasons why I may come off in an offensive manner. Understandably, there are still points I require to walk in my process which have yet to be corrected and are in part due to past programming.

I can be outspoken and frank, in direct contradiction to conventional norms of the system. I can at times have a tendency to be overly zealous to a point of over-correction, not giving enough forethought to my actions. I have in the past desired to help others, and I understand how that can have an adverse effect, in that I realize each person must stand up for themselves, by themselves. 

Through this, I realize that I must expand my awareness to consider what direction is best given a broader perspective. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect everyone from myself as the projection of my worst case scenarios. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relationships based on past relationships. I see this as a point of me irrationally fearing facing points within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as naive or less than in that I suspected there was a point which I did not see which everyone else was aware of. I realize that this is a point of self trust which I must walk, and as such, I must trust myself that through self honesty I will be able to see what is necessary to be addressed, and that others will support me to see the actuality and what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when they are attempting to assist me to see points which need to be addressed. I realize that this stems from childhood programming where I would fear being reprimanded etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get back at others indirectly through punishing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough through the assumption that I must have missed something through my own fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and jump to the conclusion that I am to blame, I was the one who was wrong and at fault. I realize that it is simply a matter of me learning to take responsibility for myself, and within that I must not blame or condemn myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the situation was unable to be resolved, which is a point of me being narrow minded and not allowing myself to investigate my options.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear (as assumptions and jumping to conclusions) that I was being too pushy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to fight or flight reactionary syndrome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict and thus seek to avoid conflict rather than addressing the situation directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as quirky, weird, or strange and thus creating an excuse and justification for rejecting myself as not able to fit in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on my projected results as my life situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would corrupt others as there are still points which I require to walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the irrational fear that I am creating more problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection. I realize the solution is self acceptance and moving myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the inferiority/superiority construct

Day 361

Jan 28

Part 3

Art with a message.

Part 2

Just had a convo with x. I find it very challenging to communicate. Like swimming against a very strong current. I have to stay in alignment with myself and not allow myself to be drawn into a situation that would cause me to compromise myself or others.

My head still hurts very slightly in the back from the headache this week. Felt a slight pain in my spline today. The coffee I had from Bridgehead was soo good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in lust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need excitement as stimulation in order to live.

Living Words

Commitment

Focus

I am Honor

I am Self Honesty

I am Motivation

I am Consideration

I am Awareness

I am One

I am Creator

I am Here

Day 360

Jan 27

What I do (and do not do) is for others as well as myself.

I have been given a tremendous amount of support.

Part 2

Strengths - Supportive, Frank,

Weaknesses - Lack of Self Direction, Inferiority, Aversion, Distraction, Escapism, Dogma, Stagnation, Giving up, Self judgment, Misplaced Trust, Lack of Self Confidence, Uncertainty, Frustration,

Give attention to self creation

Part 1

Activity x last night. During the day I allowed myself to become charged. Looking at the point I see that there is a 'giving up' within myself, giving up on myself with the justification of me not having enough money. Quite lame when I think about it, however this is what I have allowed for a very long time in my life. Fear that I will not be able to be myself, I can remember from childhood. Fear of standing up to the projected reactions of others.

Referring to chess... You can't play if you don't win. Hoping for a good game.

Day 359

Jan 26

Part 3

In a way, hid from having a 'love' relationship. Wondering if that is preventing me from connecting with myself

Examine things from multiple dimensions.

Time, Conscious, Sub conscious, Unconscious, Impermanence, Samsara (wheel of suffering), Self Interest, Equality,

Part 2

Feeling very Frustrated, Angry, Nihilistic, Doom, Negative... Guilt, Shame, Regret, Embarrassment, etc. Don't take it personally.

Part 1

Dream

Side note: When I was younger I told my parents that I wanted to be a rockstar.

There were a bunch of rock stars and I in this parking garage. It was some kind of party and I was singing the song Cryin with Steven Tyler. There was a lot of excitement and I was putting all of my effort into singing. It was a blast - even though neither of us could remember the words properly, for which I was rather embarrassed.

Definition

Self Honesty - Our primary relationship with Self - To be One with Self - Thereby enabling Self to see from all perspectives so that one may assist, support, care for, understand, realize, encourage, motivate, inspire, strengthen, and accept the physical Self in all ways. To be physical, as One opposed to physical and mental as duality.

Directive

Remove ALL Limitations for investigative purposes

Networking - Enables growth

Perspective on Suffering - it is a gift within the sense that it allows us to become more aware of our mortality, thus we can Appreciate what time we are given, and simultaneously realize that we are not in the physical reality forever - thus use our time effectively.

Regret

I tried to see the bigger picture early in my life, and I did so in as much as I had the capacity to do so, hence religion where I assumed god to be the solution, where if all stood with god, then all problems would be easily resolved... which is accurate, yet not the entire story. I did not realize (or did not see, neglected, denied) my responsibility to myself, and that is a point of regret. Will I ever get over regret? I see that I have to accept what is in the past and use it as guidance for myself.

Shame

Result of perceived failure, humiliation. Forgive and Let Go of past.

Breathe and Push to Birth Self as Life in the physical.

Frustration is Grasping - Suffering

Day 358

Jan 25

Guy came to look at the car today. I told him it did not overheat. He drove it for 2 mins and it overheated. I felt bad because he drove an hour to come and see the car. In the moment, I acted on my bad feeling and immediately defaulted my thinking to 'no deal'. Had I been aware, and rather than acting on my bad feeling, I could have seen the opportunity to suggest that we fill the car with antifreeze fluid so that he could make the trip home with the car.

Negative Thinking Pattern Consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the feeling bad reaction, and through that allowed myself to go into a dead end pattern of 'no deal' out of my reaction which in turn cost me the opportunity to resolve the issue and solve the problem for myself and the other individual.   

Day 357

Jan 24

Wicked headache yesterday and last night. Dull pain, primarily in the right back of my head. Uncertain what the cause, still feel a little nauseous today.

Self Honesty - The process of changing oneself into a point of standing as the principle of Equality as what is best for All Life. There are different stages of Self Honesty. Ultimately changing the physical to not be directed and controlled by Self interest and/or energetic charges as feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at the physical today while I was working on changing my toilet.  

Day 356

Jan 23

What is my soul purpose in life? To redefine myself and recreate myself as BFAL.

What talents and natural abilities do I have?

Dexterity, breaking barriers, typing skills,

Living words

I am HONOR

Day 355

Jan 22

From a certain perspective, suffering is a gift.

Certainty>>Trust>>Process>>Self

sore throat, increased heart rate and slight feeling of weakness after smoking some marijuana.  Acronym for 'Mary do you wanna'?

Self Forgiveness>>Slow down>>Breathe>>Let Go

I am Confidence

I am Self Trust

I am Here

I am Stable

I am Self Forgiveness

I am Able to Let Go of the past

I am

Day 354

Jan 21

Identifying the backchat characters.

Healing character - when I feel bad for someone else ex. the lady I met at the bar last weekend was shaking, I felt pity and took her hands in mine and said 'why are you shaking'.   

Day 353

Jan 20

The Goal must always remain within Awareness.

Feeling down. I feel grateful for having a productive day and a good meal, a nice walk, a chance to relax by myself.

I must stop defining and associating my feelings and emotions (as good or bad) in self interest. Stop the positive/negative charge associated with inner feelings so that I may move myself in the way that is best. Who knows what is good or bad? False definitions. Self Interest. Deception.

Bernard Quotes

https://bernardpoolmanquotes.wordpress.com/

Although process seem to be forever–it is in fact always one breath away from total change.

In the virus free mind I did statement as the ‘I am’ statements– I did that as me in the living flesh –creating me as the statements– no feelings, no faith, no belief — the total dedication to become those words as the living flesh.

This is the living word that is god — where you are the creator of yourself and not the creator of an illusion of energy and polarity of feelings and experiences.

The living flesh shows clearly what is best for all flesh.

Part 2

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LETTING GO is a large part of dealing with energy... I realized that a LONG LONG time ago, yet I have not applied that technique within the application of thoughts/energy! That is like the umbilical cord to the mind. Realizing the Grasping, Attachment, Desire, birth/death rise/fall principle, ALL IS SUFFERING.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let Go of Attachment to Illusion

Embrace Self in Forgiveness

Purifying Self so that We may Create what is Best For All Life

Part 1

Tiled my bathroom floor today. Had to push myself to create physical energy to do the work. I seem to be developing some belly fat. Need to work it off somehow.

Wake myself up.

Pull myself together

Find some kind of enjoyment.

Work towards goals.

Re Affirm goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relationship so much that I prevented myself from facing the point, and instead chose isolation, where I chased after endless thoughts in hopes that one day it would be real.

Quote

The True Spirit of Life can only be Realized through Equality

Day 352

Jan 18

Part 3

Problem - Money

Solution - Get work

Problem - Discouragement

Solution - Realign with Goals (Visualization and exploring options)

Problem - Abandonment

Solution - Blame

Problem - Hopeless

Solution - Set a Small Goal

Problem - Dogma

Solution - Let go of knowledge, apply in the physical

Problem - Doubt

Solution - Learn to Trust the Process

Problem - Shame

Solution - Laughter

Problem - Over eating

Solution - Busy

Problem - Lust

Solution - Slow down, Alignment

Problem - Uncertainty

Solution - Alignment

Problem - Misunderstanding

Solution - Act from the correct understanding

Problem - Will Power

Solution - Simplify

Problem - Anguish

Solution -

Part 2

Dream

I was with a large group of family. There were horses and camels owned by our family. I took a camel out swimming in the water. Once I got the camel out into deeper water, I let it go and it swam away. When I got back to shore, I saw it walking up on the other shore with the saddle on its back. I felt terrible about letting the camel go. Others knew that I had let the camel go as well. Part 2 of the dream. I was at a large rodeo barbecue again with family. There were races and I had numbers taped onto me, on my back, front, legs, arms, and feet. There was a race to get back to the cars, and everyone was excited to get back. I took a wrong path and was stopped by some kid who was standing at a gate with a fairly large crowd in the rafters behind him. He told me I had to remove all of my numbers before I could pass through the area. I took off all the numbers and put them in my cart. I eventually ended up in a car. There was a woman in the car with me who seemed happy to see me. I saw myself in the mirror - I had a big grin on my face, yet I seemed distorted and one eye was dark. The woman said she had something for me and proceeded to kiss me. Her lips felt very full, round, and it was exciting to kiss her.

The camel represents carrying too many burdens and problems on your shoulders.

Stop judging physical

Modern day Shaman Theme

Abandonment construct

Solution acting or pretending I have the solution as practice. Theater.

Djembe Networking Video.

Storytelling - Develop a story. Virtues. Awareness. Create Confidence. Trust issues.

Not understanding the scope of existence, how time works.

Problems to Solutions.

Part 1

Judgment is a result of the inferiority/superiority standpoint.

Oppression >> Dogma, hopelessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the dogma, mannerisms, personality types, and tenets of my ancestors.  

Day 351

Jan 17

Fantasy campfire visualization to align to self enjoyment. Hand Music playing.

Find a way to motivate, inspire, and share myself and/with others.

Just watched a video on a shamanic journey. Afterwords envisioned Aragorn saying the line "I have seen the white city", referring to Gondor. Aragorn representing Equality, it felt like a breath of fresh air, as a reflection, it was as if I were to find a part of me which I have been missing.

Directive Quote

Summon Willpower through Awareness and Self Discipline

Plan a hiking trip/Journey

Small Self Discipline - Fasting from Coffee for Today as there is pain in my throat.

Day 350

Jan 16

Past

Driving this evening, I was struck by the feeling of resentment for me failing to realize my desire of having a really cool girlfriend when I was younger.

Visualize goals specifically. Create will power.

Problem: I am not yet able to force myself to do the things that I want to do! I have not been able to push myself beyond my limitations because I keep distracting myself through desire and self interest! Unable to complete goals - self doubt! Not enough foresight, discipline, and commitment. Goals not clarified or visualized strongly enough.

Have to go over my notes to delineate a plan  

Day 349

Jan 15

Part 2

Conceptualize dream - Music, Sound, Video, Profile, Share, Grow, Expand, Shaman (costume, necklace, headdress)

I forgive myself now and in my future for any mistakes or abuses I make.

There is always a Gift. Example, the coyote dying, not only did I realize a point within myself but I did not see the opportunity to use the pelt and bones. I could use those things to create a shamanic effects.

We are all Explorers.

We long to connect, not to our past as the world system would have through tradition, but to our source through our physical expression. There is enjoyment in those milestones.

Entitlement

quote

We must risk everything to create our dreams as ourselves.

ENJOY the process of Creating yourself - Tom Bombadil/Shaman/Druid - Meadowbreeze Dandelion.

Silverwood

Cosplay Druid, Shaman, Warrior, Priest Costumes

Elrond to Aragorn - "Put aside the ranger and become who you were born to be"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the master within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insensitive.

Part 1

Desire for intimacy this am. Angry, frustration. inside. Lust is not the way to achieve what I want in life.. In my past I have allowed myself to believe lust was the solution to solving the inner anguish - which was real - as built up anger and frustration from being angry with myself and unable to communicate and express my frustrations. Resentment began very young in relation to adults and me being frustrated with myself because I saw how pathetic I was being and I was ashamed of myself.

I recall wanting to see my X dead, wishing and hoping for revenge in my head. I hated X, and eventually I despised X. I still despise X when I see what a fucker X was in life, fucking irresponsible, selfish, bigshot, scumbag, piece of shit. I hated X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame as hate onto my parents/ancestors.

I have been channeling all of my inner emotion/rage/hate/love into sex to try and alleviate the accumulated energy and feel better, yet it was not the most accurate solution.

The giving, receiving, and sharing aspect of relationships was cut off due to so much inner shame, guilt, and turmoil. Is there a method in which I can use this point as initiative to correct myself??

Day 348

Jan 14

Part 3

Resentment

(Teal tips)

Perceptions of injustice - unwilling to accept , tied to emotions.

Creates Distrust, Betrayal, Wall of Protection, Victim (Right), Ego, Justification

Resentment supports feeling like a good person

Was I unfairly treated? I feel people were irresponsible in assisting me with my false perceptions (religion, fears, lack of scope, lack of direction etc).

Trying to gain safety by placing myself in a superior position.

What specifics am I resentful about?

Is there self-resentful? yes.

What is the impact this resentment is having on my life? What are the direct consequences? Relationships

Solution: Letting go and Acceptance

Why am I Unwilling to accept that?

Resentment is trying to kill other people by drinking poison.

What really bad thing would happen if I were to let go of the resentment? Fear of Repetition.

Deal with powerlessness by focusing on solutions.

Look at the worst case scenario.

Anger/Rage from Powerlessness spiral

How can I empower myself?

Acknowledge victim mentality (powerlessness)

Feeling Fearing like I failed to take responsibility (self blame)

Seek silver lining in resentment scenarios.

Correct how I have taken things personally.

Feelings internalized through what I did not express - fearful of rejection

Clarify what the expectations were/are.

Create the resolution.

Part 2

What would I do if I could do something with my life?

Create an Adventure. Maybe a short story would help to outline it. Then perhaps I could record it as a narrative, or make a video. Need sounds and fantasy drawings. Fairie Tale type of things, with a kind of moral supporting theme such as stopping judgments or some depiction of value.

Part 1

Headaches as a consequence of me applying quick fixes in my life. Fear of failure - quick fix - destructive consequence. I want to say that I did not understand the scope of my life. At the same time, I must admit to self dishonesty as all is here evident. At the same time I must not condemn myself in that I am within the process of understanding the multidimensional aspects of myself.

Questioning myself as to whether the point of correcting my past abandonment complex. Is it simply a desire to fulfill a fantasy to make myself feel better? Is it harmful, abusive or destructive, or dishonest? Am I subjecting myself to energetic stimuli? Am I using another as an object? What if I am assisting and supporting another to realize... is that self interest? Am I being spiteful to the rest of existence? Is there a fear of rejection? What are the consequences I am not seeing?

Practice seeing deeply into multidimensional self with questions such as how can I change myself to be what is needed most by all? How has the (believed/assumed/projected) perceptions of myself by others affected my expression?  

Day 347

Jan 13

Part 4

Forgiveness statements must have Solution and Correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the process of paying the bills.

Become more effective in downtime. Learning to Train myself.

Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as Life out of the belief that I am special, or that I love Life more than others. I do it out of pure Realization of the existent Self here as trapped within its own feedback resonance, thus I cannot blame myself for having 'less love' or 'too little' love. I am fearing that I am not real, as an original resonance of the past. I do not know the answer to that, but it causes the question... Can a non-original resonant being become Life?

What force is required to push oneself through the vortex?

Change self into physicality to create a world that is best for all. To stop enslavement to energy systems and Life can be real, free, unconditional expression of itself.

Part 2

List issues to prepare for

Stagnation - Push self, discipline self.

I need self discipline because I am not achieving my goals effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Self Discipline.

Redefinition

Discipline as a Useful Tool of Correction ex. rather than punching walls, do push ups as a form of Self Discipline. Polarity of Celebration.

All Punishment should be Encouragement and Self Discipline as Specific Correction to augment behavioral patterns.

Motivate Self from scratch/starting point each moment of unawareness. Back to beginning

Happiness is not the ultimate reward, however it can be a tool of perspective in process.

Buddhist Perspective on Self Discipline

Self Discipline is No Self Discipline

Learn from our successes rather than mistakes. That is to create self and trusting in the reward of life.

Smoking example

Define and Visualize Goals more effectively

Create Fun

Define Fun as a motivational tool

Create/Define enjoyment. Reward Self

Do not allow Discipline to be External to Self.

Create value as Life, in each moment transmute self as mental value to physical.

Buddhist perspective as no self, impermanence, all is suffering, Letting Go. Abandon self as thinking/fear. All is suffering in Samsara, even what I desire as lust energy.

The Raft simili - allows us to get from this shore to the other shore. Once we get to the other shore, we do not need the raft.

Discipline comes from within through Letting Go. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any value when I do not feel (enough) energy.

Finding Value in Self!

Create Self Encouragement - Brainwashing the mind, suggestion as direction, encouragement.

Train the mind - with Simplicity, Clarity, Gentleness, Skill, Tone. Training the mind is easy - programming.

Creating Will as a Quest - Going into More Doors

Getting self excited to move forward.

Train myself to learn to ENJOY work, that is to see past the deception/projection that I will not enjoy myself while performing responsibilities.

Put Joy, happiness into whatever I'm doing. Program

Address (deprogram) Rebellion, stagnation. Re-program.

Think outside of the box. Heavenly Visionary Process???

Stop Condemnation

Be Gentle, Humble, and Compassionate. See the opportunity within taking responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire lust as an energy fix, a point of excitement, as something to do without realizing the consequences of my actions.

How did I create the desire? Believing that I could attain value as love/comfort. To realize that there is no real love in lust, it is a diversion, an addiction, a quick fix for the pain of separation. How to realize this?

I invested so much into my design as sex/love, it is as if I am still trying to get value from it, or still trying to escape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think in terms of getting/trying to get value for myself in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get love as value through sex.

(repeated) There are more dimensions to intimacy than sex. Sharing, giving, receiving, communicating, expressing, touching, caring, supporting, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Distract myself from the act Giving myself to Life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the to Give oneself without fear is to initiate the process of becoming Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a fuck up in front of everyone.  

Day 346

Jan 12

Part 3

Creating myself as Naive in order to try and avoid the trap of ego, yet that did not turn out the way I intended it would.

Seeing myself from the perspective of others in order to See Self Worth. Its okay to be proud of oneself in understanding one has corrected ones past mistakes in order to restore ones honor within oneself.

Purge

Part 2

I am aware of my many haters... something that ought to have no bearing on my determination to stand for Life, if anything make me more steadfast and consistent.

You have ONE job in this life.

What if I were to sell my house now. Is it time to move on somewhere new? I feel that I would miss this house and all the amenities of the urban living, however who can know what adventures may await. Don't adventures ever have an end - B.B.?

Part 1

Issues Responsibilities and Consequences Relating and/or Contributing to Dimensions of Abandonment

Abandonment issues more prevalent, source of many problems. How to deal with it? What is the solution(s)?

Low Self Worth

- Solution - Create Self Worth through expanding Awareness and understanding self honesty, self trust, self expression.

Fear of making the wrong choice(s) and letting others down

- Solution -

Irrational fear. Projection. Unacceptable. Be decisive, considerate, within the realization that as long as I am being responsible to myself here, I will be able to correct any errant decisions

Fear that I am evil at source

- Solution -

I am aware that this is a falsity, as I have traced back my starting point many times, and I trust myself in my awareness of the course we have walked to get to this point. Evil is simply a polarity of Good, thus Good and Evil maintain each others existence, and cannot exist without one another.

Feel a Responsibility to be something which I am not exactly certain what

- Solution -

Create myself in defiance of the fear of the unknown. Push myself to Birth myself in the physical.

Frustration

- Solution -

When and as I feel myself getting frustrated, I stop myself and bring myself back to breath with the awareness that I have committed myself to freeing myself from enslavement to energy, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Frustration - if it is to be real- must be created in the moment. Self directed.

Self Conscious

- Solution -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Self Conscious, as worried about what others will think of me, thus allowing that Worry to direct and control me into ways which do not create what is Best for All. When and as I see myself worrying what others think of me, I stop and bring myself back here to breath so that I may let go of the worry as thoughts, and start creating myself as Life.

Don't seem to fit in

- Solution -

Create myself within the understanding that I have just as much right to exist as others. Equal Rights.

Unable to find my 'groove'/Self Expression (past fears)

- Solution -

Practice, apply, projects, goals. Djembe group. Dancing. Yoga.

Envy goes hand in hand with Lust

- Solution -

Realize the many gifts and experiences I have been given. Don't focus on Regrets, rather on who I am here, and what opportunities I can create for myself and others.

Inner Anger

- Solution -

Awareness of Extensive Suppression

- Solution -

Fear of Boredom

- Solution -

Fear of Failure

- Solution -

Dissonance

- Solution -

Spent my entire life escaping/abdicating/separating myself into enchanting mental fantasies

- Solution -

Regrets

- Solution -

Flag Regrets to change past memories. Don't allow Regret to fuel Ego and Self Sabotage. Ex. Xgf and I having sex near the street... change to sitting down and talking, clearing up communication so that we can understand one another, and how we can create ourselves as Life.

Self judgment

- Solution -

Purge all impurities of thought, word, and deed. Purge past memories. Purge perceptions. Purge beliefs. Purge ideas. Purge moralities. Purge all sin. Purge fears. Purge injustices. Purge trepidation. Purge hesitation.

Self sabotage

- Solution -

Assist and Support self to stand for Life. Bring self back here to breath. Physical Self Directed Movement as Breath.

Self punishment

- Solution -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself based on how my parents were programmed to believe punishment was the proper course of action. I realize that it was necessary for me to learn that there was a problem with reality, and the necessity to correct myself

Weight of the world

- Solution -

The only weight should be my own physical, and the consequences I create for myself as assisting and supporting me to become Life. Work ethic is one determining factor is effectiveness of process.

Paralysis

- Solution -

Stagnation

- Solution -

Unable to move forward

- Solution -

Pessimism

- Solution -

Vocational Ineffectiveness

- Solution -

Financial Circumstance (debt)

- Solution -

Naivety

- Solution -

Extensive Religious Programming

- Solution -

Traumatic past Relationship experiences

- Solution -

Betrayal

- Solution -

Humiliation

- Solution -

Isolation

- Solution -

Addictions Past, Present, Future

- Solution -

Coping mechanisms

- Solution -

Health Issues past, present, future

- Solution -

Frequent Glucose Intolerance Headaches

- Solution -

Weakness

- Solution -

Lack of Energy

- Solution -

Throat problems

- Solution -

Diet

- Solution -

CO poisoning

- Solution -

Zodiac Personality Constructs

- Solution -

Physical Design

- Solution -

Solutions

Acting out or pretending as Practice. The practice of Being real is to deliberately Pretend. Initiate. Act.

Upset inside. Uncomfortable. Uneasy.