Day 368

Feb 11

List all of my problems

Primarily not following through. Bowling example from my youth.

Selfish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish and lack consideration for others.

Beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider others within a belief rather than physical consideration

Trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my trust of myself.

Uncertainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself within confusion and uncertainty

Fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating myself as who I would be without being directed by fear, or self interest.

Lack of Self Discipline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity of self discipline where I must push myself and motivate myself to birth myself as life in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in chronic negativity within negative thoughts feelings and emotions which lead to a dead end, where I have allowed myself to believe the lie that there is no solution to the problems I face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self judgment so much that I prevent myself from participating with the group in doing what needs to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that ambiguity is a sign of lack of directive principle, where I have allowed a fear to control me into a point of hesitation and uncertainty rather than trusting myself and the support provided to enable me to find a solution to my problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Evasive within procrastination, distracting myself from points that need to be addressed, and avoiding doing the work that needs to be done. I commit myself to stop procrastinating and pushing through my resistances in order to accomplish what must be done in my process and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in Rebelliousness as a point of doubt or distrust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my past as deep religious programming as an excuse and justification to blind me from seeing my own points of ego and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Reactionary as opposed to being here in breath, and when a point arises which causes conflict within myself, I realize I must at that point stop myself from any reactions, breathe, and take directive principle to create the appropriate solution to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from initial Reactions go into points of Anger, frustration, self Doubt, cynicism, giving up, giving in, and not following through on my commitments to honor Life. I realize that this is a simple common sense point, where I must be prepared for in each moment as within practicing breath awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand the source points which have prevented me from correcting the problems in my life and process, and so allowed points of stagnation within me which have lead to further consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suicidal thoughts, thinking and believing that I can get out of this situation through suicide. I realize that that is not a solution by any means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supporting others within uncertainty towards my own abilities - this rather than simply trusting myself to do what needs to be done in Equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget and abandon the tools of the process out of fear of creating problems for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my financial situation as an excuse to pity myself and exclude myself from participating in process. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting others down should I have further unfortunate consequences in my life which lead to shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use health problems as an excuse and justification for me not participating with others in process of self forgiveness and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Addictions as justification for not participating in process and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create extensive compounding manifested consequences for myself, and within that give up because I feel it is too much to handle. I realize I must get support in order to find solutions to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egocentric and selfish, thinking only of myself and not considering others as Equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in suppression and depression. I realize that these states of mind are not conducive to process, and I am able to change myself to be here in breath simply moving myself in doing what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection. I realize that I must change my perspective to that of standing Equal to others as the physical to prevent this mind construct from initiating control over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as Unworthy. I realize that all are responsible for what we have collectively created, and thus I must take responsibility to forgive myself so that I may be here in breath creating myself as equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the Nihilistic personality type. I realize that this personality is that of an Escapist, someone who does not wish to face self, but prefers to take a negative approach so as to avoid confrontation due to fear of standing as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself, in that I have not accepted myself but chosen to judge myself out of my ability to participate in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack focus as a point of me not directing myself to be here in breath in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack directive principle.

Chronic Negativity

Self Judgment

Ambiguous

Evasive

Rebellious

Deep religious programming > Blinded in my ability to see my own points of ego

Reactionary > Patterns of deep unresolved Anger > Frustration > Doubtful > Cynical > Giving up > Giving in > Not following through > Inability to change as the source points/issues has not been fully understood and dealt with effectively

Suicidal

Unable to ascertain my own ability to support others

Keep forgetting tools of the process

Unstable financially

Compounding Health issues

Addictions

Extensive manifested compounding consequences

Suppressed

Depressed

Fear Rejection

Defined myself and unworthy - expand on this

Nihilistic - hopelessness

Lack of self acceptance

Lack of focus

Lack of directive principle

Ancestral behavioral programming

Self worth polarity

Self Doubt

Making many 'mistakes'

Slow

Distracted

Failure

Angry

Blame others

Blaming the system

Survival Defense mechanisms

Vengeful

Fear of judgment

Fear of consequence

Fear of shame

Fear of humiliation

Cynical - Projecting negative outcomes extensively

Not asking for help

Unwilling to let go and move forward

Giving up as a point of protecting myself and others from what I suspect would be harmful consequences... as projected failure, nothing of value, shame. Foreseeing my health problems as a threat, as a major fear within me is having to have others take care of me, as me fearing the revelation that I have not taken responsibility for myself and feeling ashamed within that.

Make video / blog on topics

Words to be lived as physical solutions to each point/construct