Day 400 - Human denial

Watched a rather eye opening video on the effects of the incoming 5g networks currently being implemented on our continent and others this year.  From what I have gathered from the information presented, it seems as though this is finally, the consequential culmination of our collective self righteousness, deception, and denial of responsibility.  To me there is really no question.  This is the doom of mankind as we know it. 

Interesting to see so many people are blaming the government, the elite, and the dark powers that be, yet oddly, we refuse to see the deception within ourselves.  Just have a look around at human beings.  Is it not obvious how superficial, arrogant, and downright spiteful we are as a whole?  Do human beings deserve anything less than the path that we are currently on as our apparent annihilation? Is it not clear that we have proven ourselves incapable of supporting even the most basic principles of life in any manner whatsoever?  Abominable, despicable, robotic zombies who's only allegiance is to our own self interest, and whatever appears to be beautiful on the surface! 

We are wasteful, careless, and completely devoid of any real consideration for the bottom line as to who it is we really are.  We wander around aimlessly led on by our vain desire for personal love and riches while content to watch the rest of the world (outside of our own protective families) as the insects, plants, animals, and nature all suffer and burn!! It is a very shameful existence we are creating here, and it is doubly shameful that we do not even recognize that fact when it is right in front of our eyes every single day! 

We deserve every bit of what is coming, because we refuse to accept responsibility for what we have allowed. Deny, deny, deny, deny, deny... just pin it on god or the devil or the government or the previous generation always has the same end, and that is exactly why we are going to reap this hell because denial is negligence and it is too late to change course now. 

Day 399 - Vain opulence

March 30

Recuperating again today.  Raining out with wet snow so not much to do outside.  Played some Dota, still feeling a bit tired today.  Watched Brazil's Carnival with all of the elaborate floats, unbelievable how much work must go into all of that, and how much will just end up as waste.  All of the costumes, so much vanity, eccentricity, opulence it's sickening. Amazing how that many people are so obliviously unaware, just following tradition and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be oblivious to the nature of my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow tradition for my own self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blindly unaware of the design of consciousness and the solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the problems of the world in spite for my own vain indulgence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is some value in excessive opulence as perceived beauty

Day 398 - Goals and Fails

March 29

Got part of the ceiling finished and some bulkhead corners.  Had some dinner and feeling a bit tired.  Fired my bow a few times.  Tough times ahead.  Developing self trust, I think.  Catching myself trying to be a hero in my mind, as the person that is so great at everything, an expert worthy of praise and honor and glory.  Sadly, theres nothing really that great about me as per my track record.  Astrologer Shaley saying to stop having violent thoughts towards self, as in 'you suck', and the failure card came up.  Something I have definitely struggled with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to set goals in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to take reprehensibility to understand myself so that I could create goals that are achievable and attainable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get down on myself for seeing myself as a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of what I need to do because of self judgments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow through with plans of what needs to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and get lost in ideas and idealism's and so become distracted from my goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in my ability to achieve goals that would benefit myself as well as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream of being a hero in my mind so that I can feel pride and honor in separation from my physical existence.

Day 397 - Work and Rant

March 28

Made an error in purchasing unnecessary inside corners that were overpriced.  Whoops. Got a lot of work done again today.  Bathroom corners done, large room and bulkheads done, lower butt joints done.  Just need 2nd coat on corners, 3rd on flats and buts, skim coat, then sanding.    Still not making a lot of money but it is steady work. 

Really interested in getting some kind of electric or gas scooter this summer, not sure if I can afford it at this point though.  Need to secure business income.  Future is uncertain in many ways.  Grateful for my health and that I have been able to overcome some serious health problems in the last few years.  Still feeling un-trusting particularly of women, however all humans seem vile and foolish in this reality to say the least.  How can anyone be happy even briefly amidst this disgrace we are existing as?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self righteousness as self interest

Day 396 - Short dreams

March 27


Worked quite hard today taping.  Left foot a little soar from standing on the ladder.  Recall feeling very angry last night.  Had a dream of some old high school friends, then I was at another friends house, it was late and he directed my upstairs to go to sleep.  When I got to the top of the stairs, there was only one room.  I opened the door, and his mother was there with another girl and some children.  I didn't want to impose, but they invited me in saying something to the effect like 'we are doing things differently now'. I felt accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a fool of myself and not understand the severity of my life experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a fool and foolish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to the primary objective of this existence

Day 395 - Tarot reading

March 26

Tuesdays.  Just make it through the day.

Tarot reading

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overzealous and shallow minded

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become vain and conceited in my shallow mindedness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self destructive in nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take offense and become vengeful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become contemptuous and greedy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become easily tempted by the luxuries of the flesh

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to an inward feeling of overwhelming defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in my ability to be bold

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose consistency.  I realize that without constant application, things easily fall apart

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of the goal and so abdicate my ability to inspire change

Day 394 - Chillin at home

March 25


Day off.  Shot my bow today.  Played a lot of computer games.  Was fun for a while but got annoying after a while.  Not much else going on.  Diet going okay.  Had to set some mouse traps as they are getting out of hand.  Realized I had a plan to initiate something with someone but forgot what the plan was.  Perhaps hypnosis therapy could be helpful.
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no plan to execute for the day and so fall into directionless browsing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in my ability to keep myself afloat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to be angry with others and blame others for things of the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wipe my slate clean and start fresh

Day 393 - Recuperation

March 24

Slept in this morning.  Shot the bow a few times.  Went for a walk.  Sent an email.  Watched some videos.  Shot the bow a few more times.  Had dinner.   Went for another walk on the ice.  Played some computer games.  Watched some more videos.  Work begins again Tuesday.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debase myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow after vain doctrines

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak dogma

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my breath on deaf ears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and others into submission

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be better than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated by light energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by moods as doom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn myself to my deluded decisions of the past

Day 392 - Dietary boundaries

March 23


Left the house early to go look at a trailer for sale in the east end.  Didn't plan my trip, so ended up downtown awkwardly with no place to park (didn't want to pay).  Turns out the seller was not around, so I had to go back. Had a small cup of coffee this morning.  Haven't had any in a few weeks so thought it would be okay, only started feeling weak around 6 pm.  Felt awful, had to lay down for an hour. No more coffee. Period.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my diet boundary of no caffeine at all.  Caffeine is harmful to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  neglect planning my outings and all directions I take in this life experience.  I realize that poor planning results in ambiguous, frustrating, and wasted efforts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there exists deep programming within myself as DNA that must be corrected physically and reprogrammed so that I am able to take action as the directive principle of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and condemn myself without having corrected the programming effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in my ability to realize and understand what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear boredom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to repeat self forgiveness over and over until it begins to sink in and take hold

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing the conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my digestive system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my ancestors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the nature of how existence works

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I know how existence works and exist within the imaginary rules of my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I know the best way to go about living my life based on my fearful assumptions

Day 391 - Self Interest

Everything seems to be in some way directly or indirectly connected to sex as the underlying mechanism of power and control.  Love in the broader sense is just the veneer for sex – control.  Sex appears very innocent and 'good', yet that is where the danger lies, as it is the expression of self interest and self attempting to escape guilt encountered when facing ones past irresponsibility.  Jealousy also plays out in this game as revenge justified through inner self condemnation and lack of self forgiveness.  I see within myself a starting point of despair when looking at past patterns which justifies masturbation.  When wrestling with the desire, there exists blockages to progression as pointlessness, self-doubt, lack of self worth, lack of self trust, lack of understanding self, lack of focus, lack of clarity of goals, fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of judgment etc. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea of pointlessness within myself in self doubt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create lack of self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my own inherent self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack understanding of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack focus on what is required to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack clarity in personal goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and the consequences of failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear humiliation and the consequences of so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear weakness as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sickness and death as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear nothingness as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing who I am as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ostracized as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear boredom (state of mind) as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear challenging myself as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as less than others as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as a someone who masturbates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as someone who enjoys sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as having enjoyed sex in the past

Day 390 - False identities

March 21

Worked hard today to get as much drywall done as possible.  Started slow, but got a lot done in the last 3 hours.  Cutting receptacles with rotary tool working well.  Cut inside the perimeter first, then remove cut out and go around the outside.  Not much going on astrologically.  April 4th I have venus and juno transits, although I don't see anything happening the way things are going.


 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become discouraged with myself and so allow myself to fall behind in my writings and self development.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceived by a false identity so that I have acted not from who I really am, but from a false persona, and an identity that is based on fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to harm or punish others for things that “make me angry” in my mind without considering what is the actual starting point and what is the actual solution to the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others and want to be seen as better than others for the sake of my self created false identity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am entitled to a false identity so that I can have luxuries in separation

Day 389 - Idealistic force

March 20

Full Moon equinox.  Looking forward to a prosperous spring and summer, though feeling a little stressed.  Messed up a couple drywall cut outs.  Changing to do them with rotary tool.  Appreciating the challenge to improve my skills.  Got the ceiling done today with some help.  Need to take care on the mudding stage.  At least things are moving forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave foolishly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not correct my foolish behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through idealism, neglect to think through and foresee issues and problems that need to be addressed and corrected before they happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fastest and best way to do things is to rush through them with blunt force

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold idealism's in higher regard than what actually can be tested to work best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give responsibility to others (those that are clearly, actively putting forth effort) to allow them to take responsibility to grow for themselves

Day 388 - Uncertain times

March 19

Moving forward. Anticipation. 
List problems real and potential. Foreseen obstacles.
Proactive – Looking to find ways to be more proactive

Hired a guy today for tomorrow.  Seems ok.  Struck me how he sounded so glad to be getting work, even though it is just one days worth.  Times are tough, so I can appreciate having work myself more now.  Getting the drywall done will be another step fwd.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in self interest, seeking my own satisfaction above that of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the best use of my time in alignment with the goals I would like to achieve in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give back as much as I have been given.

Weather getting warmer.  Looks like big flooding ahead in the next few months in the U.S.  Could be bad for food production.  I suspect things will be getting more and more unstable in the near future.  Should be as prepared as I am able to be.  Would feel better if I were on a homestead where I could grow a lot of my own food.  Hard to imagine what things will be like over the next few years.  We shall see. 

Day 387 - Ego personality

March 18

Justifications – Fun, party

Hardest Life lesson – Inconsideration

Shot the bow a little.  Went for 2 walks down the flat road, starting to get warm out.  Looking forward to spring and summer.

Overpriced the estimate the other day, perhaps for the better as he wanted a top quality job done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify things that are fun, celebratory, or blissful in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be better than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am anything else other than equal with all things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted from my goals

Day 386 - Awesome Archery

Just went for a walk.  Arrived home after an hour for target practice.  First shot bulls eye (3”) @ 40 feet.  Of the first 15 shots, 2 were off target by a roughly a foot, 4 were within 2 inches of the bulls eye, and 9 were bulls eyes!!!  After that I was hitting a bullseye roughly every 3rd shot.  My last round of 3 shots - the first hit the bullseye on the right target, the next 2 hit the bullseye on the left target, so I ended it there. Wow. Awesome.  I really felt like I was in a zone, and I was amazed at the accuracy I was able to achieve with my bow.  Felt really good.

Points to remember when aiming the bow
- keep right elbow raised for trajectory
- use the correct notch point
- triangulate my eye with the arrow tip with the target angle
- steady the tip with breathing/out breath/stop/shoot

Notes from an astrologer
Dropping karmic weight
Don't criticize
Being in the way of our own happiness
Saying the right thing at the right time
Unity in Pisces
Feelings of scarcity, not enough
Aries Strong and colorful
Not a good time to scramble or desperate attempts to start new 'laughable' relationships
This window can imprint for decades
Not looking for karmic lesson
Not afraid of solitude


Life lesson
Seeing the silver lining and turning lemons to lemonade


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnant in ambiguity and uncertainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deprive myself of required support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of the objective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the importance of keeping and maintaining a strict diet in accordance with what my body needs, as opposed to what my taste desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a point where there seems little I can do to correct the situations at large

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my idealism as limiting my ability to think outside the box

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for past foolish behaviors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet in moving towards my goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not re affirm and re align my goals daily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself towards achieving my goals daily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed regrets to deter me from achieving the best that I can achieve

Day 385 - Collective

March 16

Walked around town.  Fired my bow a little.  Bought some new undies.  Egg rolls for dinner.  Delicious.  Idea to create concrete sculptures.  Start with little bald figures (pinterest), then move up to a Japanese lantern.  Maybe I could sell something or at least make my garden look cool.  Meta-kaolin, Silica fume, and acrylic bonding agent. 

Feeling of loneliness on Saturdays typically.  Memory of being ignored by my father as a child.  Quite a disconnect, as if I was insufficient, unworthy, nothing to offer.  Seems strange and ironic that now as an adult, I have no one to spend time with.  It seems that without money, your life is nigh worthless.  To be taken with a grain of salt of course, as I have disassociated myself from others and/or not pursued any relationships due to my own inner strife and disdain of the systems , so not to place blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold disdain for the systems and in so doing, deny myself supportive relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through resentment towards others and in so doing limit my growth potential and expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise others based on their level of programming within the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not immediately recognizing their programming and changing their behavior for the better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose patience with others and so mentally play out my anger in order to win the argument in my head so that I can feel better about myself rather than finding a solution that works best for all parties involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own expansion out of self interest as distracting myself from what needs to be addressed, researched, understood, planned out and physically accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of loneliness.  In experiencing this feeling, I recognize the silver lining that our reality is not automatically conducive to understanding each others inner needs, and as such, we must all come to a place where we are proactive in our living experience, so that all is realized for what it really is, and changed so that no false pretense exists, and that all may become part of a collective unity.

Day 384 - Road to Recovery

March 15

Got the bathroom renovation finished today.  Thankfully all went well.  Did a high end estimate which took a couple hours.  On to the drywall stage which should go well.  If so I will be on my way to partial financial recovery. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be over sensitive and so allow myself to suppress myself inhibiting my personal growth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defensive in my reactions, fearing the worst before anything even happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that things will not turn out the way I expect them to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in ways which I need to grow and expand myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself, and so over work myself to gratify others padding their ego's in false humility, false trust, and blind obligation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others needs before my own as a means of self sacrifice while in a world based in self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in an unrealized zombie-like autopilot state of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trivialize my life experience without considering consequences of my actions, nor the consequences of inaction – being what I neglected to transcend to stand for life as the gift that has been given me

Day 383 - Loons on the Lake

Was feeling down this morning. Got through the day with a little progress.  Took an edible after work.  Shot my new bow a few times.  Took a nice walk up the paved road near where I live, and then chatted with the neighbor on my way back.  Played a game of Dota 2.


Listening to loons on the lake video on youtube.  The sounds they make are so haunting to me, listening breaks down my sense of self and brings up emotion as I reflect how well they are able to express something so awesome, which I am unable to match.  They create such a rich ambiance despite being in what can appear to be an empty place (the wilderness).  They are something I did not expect to encounter in this life, and I am grateful for their sounds, and all animals along with them.

I considered the potential to change emotions last night, as a form of transmutation

Sadness to indignation
Indignation to anger
Anger to determination
Determination to resolution

Perhaps this is something that can help me in difficult emotional situations. Learning how to direct this fleshy vehicle is more of a task than I had imagined.  Goal setting has been particularly difficult, as I find points of doubt and distrust and uncertainty within myself. Worry to is prevalent, yet still I sometimes look at people grateful that I don't have the problems that they have. 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in my ability to create practical goals for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself in my ability to create and achieve practical goals for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about creating/not creating, achieving/not achieving practical goals for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to -out of fear of being seen as bad, childish, or undeveloped - refrain from using the energy I have been given to do something that would be of some benefit, or at least some artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect creating for myself support that would assist me to living my best life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up in my mental fantasies that I did not consider what is my responsibility to create something to give back to life what has been given to me.

Day 382 - Talents and Abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be and do everything without getting support where needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be more than who I am and so spread myself too thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in comparisons of myself to others and so be distracted by trying to imitate works and expressions of others so that I can solve my lack of self worth through doing what they did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I have any natural talent or ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can achieve anything through utilizing my own talents and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand my own talents and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my own talents and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be grateful for my talents and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to my weaknesses without perfecting my strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect getting support to realize what my strengths and weaknesses are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am obligated to do what others are doing so that I can become like them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself and others and so give up on myself through lack of goals and focus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand what goals are achievable for me in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt what I can and cannot do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate my own abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can do way more than what I am capable of doing, and so pushing my physical too hard in order to try to validate myself and appear to be good or hard working to others

Day 381 - Gifts and Abilities

March 12

List
Good and Bad effects of Marijuanna
Marijuanna can be a limitation
Side effects


Living Words
Slow
Temperance
Guilt: Co-created self
Lesson (lessen)
Student – Stu-dent, stud-ent

Quote
Cpt. obvious: Unpreparedness is a facilitator of shame


Constructs
Not realizing how self works through physical energy
Not recognizing my weaknesses – distraction, reactions, fixation, dependencies (lack of), inconsistency, unpreparedness, irresolute, 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be idealistic in my thinking patterns and so allowing idealism to play out in my life
with inconsideration of others or what is best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reckless in my approach to life and how best to change and correct myself in my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what gifts are available to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to consider or realize what is the best use of the gifts and abilities I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander my gifts and abilities through inconsideration and reckless behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate gifts and abilities through misunderstanding how they can best be used

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in self interest and regret and so allow gifts and abilities to diminish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect gifts and abilities out of anger and resentment and other reactions that do not serve
the principle of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and understand myself and my abilities solely through knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to directed and controlled by reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to recognize my weakness as being distracted and fixated

Day 380 - Egocentric

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idealism within my mind as to how I wish or want things to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an idealism can work as a solution when it is not a detailed actual working plan

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted by idealism's through my desire to have a better life for myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create exclusivity within myself through judgments and irresponsibility to correct what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that change will not happen for myself or others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that change will happen for myself and or others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn myself to despair and ruin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a superficial world that does not recognize the source of the problem at hand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by an altered mind state of egocentric, selfish behaviors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in thinking there is not way to correct the problems I and/or others are facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for their apparent failures when really I must focus on changing myself first

Day 379 - Sag traits

March 10

The mind immediately goes to self interest. 

Words
Transient
Opinion vs Point of View


SF

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by transient things
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in conflict with myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the point of origination
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create layers upon layers of personalities which prevent me from realizing more about myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge headlong into situations thinking that that method will resolve the problem
through rash behavior


Sag Words

Adventurer
Holy Grail
Idealism
Dogma (Dogshit)
Teacher
Searching for purpose
Struggle
Optimism
Perfection
Healer
Mindless heart
Trying to fix others crimes
Inspire great communication
Addicted to potential
Exotic





Fear of heights
Fear of being judged as stupid, simple

Day 378 - Recent Dreams

March 9

Dream 1 - Church

I was in a large building, rather dimly lit and ambient.  It was a school and church combined.   I was walking in the hallways and looking into various rooms.  Mostly kids, but everyone was enjoying themselves.  One large auditorium I went into, I recall standing in the row of chairs and all of the people around me were falling around me, and as I was falling I could feel people poking my ribs and tickling me. 

Dream 2 - Dream within a dream.

 I recall dreaming of places I had been and things I had seen.  During the dream I distinctly realized that these images had triggered my other dreams. 

Dream 3 – Old house

I was walking around in a shopping center type of location. I was on a second floor, and looking out a window I could see an enclosed walking bridge that connected the shopping center across the road.  Next scene I was going down an escalator with lots of people around, it was quite busy.  Then I found myself following some strange woman down a side street.  She took a turn into an old small house which had an old fashioned sign out front above the door.  I was slightly concerned that she might be concerned that I was following her, however I was so interested and excited to explore this little house I just kept on her trail.  She went through these little hallways barely big enough for a person to walk through with stairs down and then up, then a left, and a right.  We went by a kitchen with someone cooking.  It was very quaint and I assumed it was the owner who had an apron on.  The next thing I recall was waking up in that house to a bright sunny day, I looked out the window and saw a relatively long red barn with many brown barn doors with white trim.  I remember thinking to myself in the dream that this was my home and I would be quite sad to have to leave it behind.  

Dream 4 – Creepy Church

I was with an old girlfriend (call her N) and there were some (about 3) younger kids with us.  For whatever reason I recall she had a severe burn on the back of her upper left arm.  We decided to go for a drive downtown.  I was driving and we came up to a busy construction zone.  There was a large boom truck lifting a very heavy palette up (about 20 feet) and to the right as we came up behind the truck.  The palette ended up falling off the boom.  Luckily I could see this coming and swerved to the right, crashing into a pile of sand, narrowly avoiding what would have been a terrible accident.  We all bailed out of the car in a panic and got separated.  It was a very busy intersection, so I took a staircase down below ground to see if I could cross the road that way.  Everything down there was in disrepair as I made my way across to the other side of the road and up the stair.  

The next scene I found myself in a very strange and ancient style of church building.  It was a creepy place, very dark with a ceiling that went all the way up to the spire (300 feet or so).  There were 4 sets of metal stairs covered with spikes and decorative work. They lead inward coming from the sides of the church and leading downward into the belly or lower section at an extreme angle that was nearly impossible to descend or ascend.  I saw a kid fall as he tried to descend down one set of stairs.  Clinging to the rail with great care I was able to make it down safely to the lower section.  There were sculpted, varnished oak pews all around that were covered in a red velvety fabric.  They went up and back to the walls at a very steep angle, all empty.  There was an old priest that was walking around in robes with incense, mumbling to himself.  As I walked around I noticed that the sound in this place was muffled.  When I tried to speak there was no audible noise.  I noticed on the floor in each of the four sections there was a child size painted wooden Russian doll.  The mouth on one of them was damaged and covered with what appeared to be a blood stain.  

Day 377 - Redefining lazy

Was diligent and got a fair amount of work done today.  Part of the shower completed, and tiled the floor for a customer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others or myself as lazy when that is a vague and unspecific term that does not address the root cause of the problem. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by laziness, or being lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of laziness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold or maintain an attitude of laziness where I willingly refuse to move myself to do any work
or other activities for the sole reason of serving my self interest, placing myself as an individual above others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create laziness within myself as a means of escape where I believe that I can get away with
doing nothing while many suffer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are tremendous opportunities to explore if I allow myself to explore my options
and use imaginative, expansive ways of considering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within the limited belief of being lazy/being active.  I realize that there are
various different starting points for action/non action, so each circumstance is different, thus not to be judged as a generalized comparison, often to win a mental game
of who is better than/less than.

Day 376 - Controlling and Vague

Controlling

Desire for or want of Power and control.  Ring of power. Unrecognized within self.  Unrealized self valuation as equal. Undeveloped self worth.  Desire to be better than.  Believing/fearing self to be less than. Grown out of fear of survival.  Justified within a system of subconscious beliefs and self-righteousness. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control others for my own self interest, profit, or gain.  I realize this is not acceptable within living the principle of life as it is a system of hierarchical and enslavement. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be naive and negligent in recognizing the desire for power and control within myself which recognizing it within others.  I realize that when I see this construct within others, I must look within myself to first clear myself of any desire for power and control.  Only then may I address the point with great care and consideration of all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discredit/disqualify myself through not seeing or realizing my equal value, as the inherent equal value existent in all beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through distractions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through fear of being exposed as less than/better than. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through greed and the desire for more things. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through desire for knowledge. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through passivity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through the belief that I am a good person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through the desire to be better than others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through the mental fear of survival self defense mechanism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through the subconscious, self righteous belief that I am just fine the way I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of my own self worth through the belief that I am getting revenge through self-devaluation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly manipulate others through desire for power and control.



Vague

Unspecific.  Diversion. Aversion. Unaware. Uncertain. Unclear. Irresponsible.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unspecific in communication with others, so allowing for ambiguity where I or others may divert from the responsibility which is necessary to be dealt with in order to serve self interest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avert or avoid directly dealing with an issue so that I may avoid responsibilities of dealing with what must be dealt with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of unawareness whereby I have allowed myself to become uncertain or confused as to that which is required to be addressed, forgiven, changed and corrected in accordance with the principle of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unclear in communication to the point that would allow for irresponsibility to take the place of responsibility.

Day 375 - Who Am I?

March 5, 2019

Who am I? No simple answer.  It seems that there is nothing definite, which would explain why I am easily lead by past ideas, regrets, survival and programming.  I would be the solution, however there is insufficient trust established.  Building required, yet lacking traction, confidence, support.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to anger, blaming others for problems I created through inconsideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger as a cloak in order to avoid facing my shame and correcting myself.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear potential humiliations and reactions in anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my own reactions in anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger is the solution to my problems, while it can at times help articulate, it is ego when used in the context of distraction from the point that needs to be dealt with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger against myself in spite of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger against myself as a tool of indirect revenge against others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing the point of my internal anger.  I realize that I can explore my options in finding ways to diffuse, forgive, or redirect the energy of anger so that I can clear the point and move on with something constructive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others and disqualify myself in anger.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself and so lose sight of the objective. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of discouragement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the suffering of others to make them pay for what I feel as shame and humiliation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself, leaving myself to drift on the currents of the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have done is sufficient. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed and humiliated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will reflect some kind of shame onto others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will corrupt others through my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be dishonest in my participation 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be missing something, or some knowledge and so not be up to speed leading to humiliation 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by fear of humiliation from past experiences in this life and previous lives. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being betrayed by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being metaphorically stabbed in the back by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being metaphorically gang-banged by others  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be suspicious of betrayal from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competitive with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect setting boundaries for myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expose myself beyond that which is practical, thus leaving myself open to scrutiny and sabotage from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am better than, and so inhibiting movement and causing reactions and stagnation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get off track 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect building support for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny understanding myself and realizing things about myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extensively limit myself through self sabotage as indirect revenge on others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others to wallow in their own delusions as an act of indirect revenge

Day 374 - Life Lessons - Poor Guidance

March 4

I had a friend who told me a story of how someone he knew was slightly molested by their guidance councilor.  This caused me to think twice about getting guidance, along with the fact I really didn't trust that our schools guidance councilor had any idea what he was doing.  My parents were of little help in that department, and I moved out relatively early due to relationship issues.  When it came to choosing what to do in life, I really had no idea what or where or how.  I took a couple years to decide after high school and went tree planting in B.C.  It was a very cool adventure and had its fair share of learning experiences.  When I finally decided to go to college, one of the courses I wanted to choose was being taken by a guy I really didn't like at all, needless to say I didn't end up taking that course.  I felt as though I would have been good at computer programming, but the courses for that were full at the time.  So feeling the crunch (as I had missed the sign-up date the previous year) I chose a networking course which wasn't exactly what I wanted, but at least it was something.  That course was somewhat interesting, although grossly convoluted with useless information, but eventually it did help me land a good paying job.  Ten years later, I was transferred and ended up losing my position due to being placed with a boss that didn't really like me for whatever reason.  

A year or two later, I went back to college for a building construction course, which I felt was a necessary change of atmosphere partly because I felt my computer skills were obsolete, and partly because I felt I needed to be outside more.  I did not fully account for the difficulties of the switch in careers, which was significant to say the least.  

After I finished the course, the transition into the workplace was quite rough.  I worked with one guy who didn't pay me for close to 3 months of work.  I went to court and won the case, however there was no enforcement of the law, and after two years in court, I got only one check from him, leaving close to three thousand in balance owing.  I worked for another company who didn't pay me for 3 weeks of work, for which I opened a case with the labor board at the time, and they politely filed it with the other complaints against this company and nothing ever happened.   After a couple more short term employment mishaps, and going back to a minimum wage job with no benefits whatsoever, I finally decided to try running my own business.  I remember that day feeling really good about my decision.  It was very tough at first, but there was a lot of learning without anyone for a teacher, hence some difficult experiences, but I was getting it done and enjoying the challenges for the most part.  At least it was better than not getting paid at all, although that happened a few times, teaching me to be more direct and specific about the contracts I make.  My estimating was terrible, and often I would be doing jobs taking twice as long as what I had originally accounted for.  This happened over, and over, and over.  It seemed that no matter what, I could not learn my lesson of underestimating the amount of time involved.  So financially it takes a toll over time if things don't add up.  At least I have all of that experience behind me now. 

I now see the importance of having a niche, however I don't have a niche, and I prefer a change.  I have been extremely fortunate to be able to survive all of the injuries, pit falls, and potential disasters in this industry.  I am in significant debt which has greatly hindered my social/relationship development, perhaps it is for the better.  I have survived this far, so with all that experience, I think I need to have a team, (as well as a niche) however that is easier said than done.  I need to keep moving and working hard, and estimating things properly.  I need to keep advertising and stay healthy.  Being single with no support is a significant risk in this industry.  I put my back out 2 times in the past month, however the job is moving slowly in the winter so I have had time to recover.  My spleen has been giving me slight pains, so I suspect my marijuana use has to slow considerably or stop altogether.  Should be an interesting summer.  At least my vehicle is working, although I think a trailer would be fairly helpful.  There must be an easier way.  The current job is going fairly well, and I am grateful for the opportunity to take responsibility to work for myself again.  I wonder what I would have been doing had I sought out proper guidance earlier in my life.  

Marijuana influencing spleen recovery, anxiety/stress notice in right ear.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated by exuberance, I realize exuberance is a form of beauty within celebration and thus unacceptable 
given the collective state

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deny my primal nature in favor of a delusional ego identity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in naivety towards what is real and necessary to stand as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from sharing my spiritual realizations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions and judgments of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the use of imagination in order to see other options in finding ways around obstacles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my focus on the objective in favor of fear and self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to humiliation, shame, and ridicule as opposed to changing to correct myself in a way that is best for myself and all life.