...So the doctors prescribed a medication for my anxiety related symptoms, which I took for 2 weeks to get myself through. My heart was frantically skipping beats, and I had a deep sense of terror or 'impending doom' at random times of the day. I just remember it being not fun at all.
I eventually got over the anxiety, and my life changed, but the horrible feeling inside myself remained inescapable. I began to retreat more into myself, sliding deeper into my shell of self-pity and blame, as I started to realize everything was a diversion, and no one had the answers to what I was feeling inside myself.
I wandered far off into endless fantasies of awe and wonder at the great mystery of life. T.V., music, books, movies... whatever would keep my mind occupied and hypnotized. I was comforted by the thought that somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew someone, or something, was aware of me, and what was going on inside of me. I had failed to make the connection, that it was because of that one Self Righteous Belief I had created for myself in the early years (That Rich people were evil), I assumed it would be okay to 'give up' and continue playing the self pity game. I never considered the fact that I had slowly, and surely, lured myself into a state of accepted denial, running from my fears, and hiding myself in even more compounding emotional reactions of shame, guilt, and regret.
Today I look back and see how I had been a complete sucker for the lies of this world - allowed myself to be bullied and intimidated by all of the 'Authority figures'. Parents, teachers, principles, law enforcement, judges, doctors etc. All making themselves out to be better than me, and I gobbled it all up. For what? For the sake of a fear, that is not even real. Needless to say there is shame in that, and sometimes wish I could go back in time if only for a few delicious moments, knowing what I know now.
I had little self-respect left. I, as Gollum, had chosen revenge, in my mind secretly blaming others and the system... while in reality, I was only punishing myself. I had fallen so deeply in love with my precious, the fantasy that one day I would have sweet poetic justice, that I expelled myself from everyone, hiding myself away. Part of me felt awful, yet part of me was in bliss.
As time passed, I eventually gained some perspective and started to see the extent of the problem, thanks to Desteni. I tried a number of different ways of coping with my denial. Trying to copy the successes of others has turned out disastrous every time.
Walking myself backwards to see how all of this happened has helped me significantly, and I have done much self forgiveness. It takes a long time and a lot of work to get oneself back to a semblance of understanding and self-awareness, and I have yet to fully develop a deeply self-honest expression for myself.
All of this because of the fact that I didn't understand myself well enough from the beginning of my life. This has impacted on many other people, not just myself! The initial Self-Righteous Belief I had in my head, that rich people were evil could easily have been corrected!. I can only imagine how different my life would have been if that little belief had been cleared up when I was young. If only I had been encouraged to develop Self honesty and Self Responsibility first. If only I had realized that we are ALL evil for accepting and allowing this deception! My life would have been much different.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this world system to exist the way it does - as False Authority, False Responsibility, False Honesty, and Real Slavery!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ourselves to be suppressed so badly that we do not even develop our Self-honest expression as the Courage to Face our Fears and Change ourselves to Unconditional Support of Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing children to grow up with False Beliefs in their mind about how the world is... when it isn't that way at all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a False Perception and thus a False Expression of ourselves to exist in Spite of our Potential to Create what is Best for All Life.
I forgive myself for All of this Deliberate Abuse that does not support Self-Responsible, Self Honest, Respect for Life as a Whole.