Thursday, 21 April 2016

Day 270 - My Self Righteous Belief

Considering the point of what my goals are, or were in life.  Why did I not have any goals for myself?  As I remember, I recall abstaining from trying to attain some lofty, achievement oriented character, so that I could make relationship connections with more genuine and humble people in life.  Rich people were evil in my opinion.

Looking back at this belief I had within myself, not only was it an inaccurate judgment and generalization, but it also played a large part in diverting me from being the best I could be.  I limited the scope of who I could be, based on this one point of self-righteous misconception.  Due to this state of mind I was in, I never really understood myself enough to create, or live a goal which I would have been proud of throughout my entire life experience.  I had limited myself to being an underachiever through this one, simple, false perception.  Sad.

Being a rock star was an early goal that never really panned out, but I'm okay with that now lol.  I understand I did not work hard enough at any one thing in particular, part of the reason was because I was waiting for the right thing to come into my life, waiting for myself, to discover who I was, to discover how I could get people to like me.

I remember the struggles of wanting to be liked, and being frustrated for not understanding if people liked me or not, and if not, why not?  I really had no foundation for understanding myself.  I had a vague idea of who I was in certain moments, where I would try to be funny and make people laugh, or act silly to lighten up a situation - the Mr. Nice Guy curse - which I grew to detest, because I used that character to hide how I was really feeling, as the angry me on the inside.  I was the hero in my head, who sacrificed himself in trying to make other people feel better.  Oh gawd,... why didn't I see that!! I had no self-trust, no self-honesty, and so my expression was completely messed up.

This was internally very stressful, and there were many hard lessons.  My emotions and reactions remained largely bottled up, as there was no one I could honestly share them with, let alone understand them, or even understand how to change myself.  I developed acute anxiety which lead to panic attacks, as all of the fears and emotions compounding within myself.  My body was communicating to me that clearly there was something wrong, but no doctors, nor myself, knew what it was.

To be continued...

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