Friday, 25 March 2016
Day 251 - Mundanity
During my contemplation today, there was a feeling I had which I will try to describe using a few words from an online thesaurus;
Dullness, bland, boring, abject, joyless, mundanity
mundanity : dull and ordinary
monday nitty gritty
If I could further describe what I was experiencing, it was as if I were looking at my life experience in that moment as one single point, and could see nothing of any interest at all. It was like my whole experience of myself was nothing, worthless, meaningless, and there was no motivating factor that I could think of to excite or stimulate myself to move myself. I was simply here, trapped in this experience of myself.
At the same time, I understood that this was an illusion, because if I were to look deeper into the point to peel back the layers, I would see that I could move myself to change the interlocking dimensions of the kaleidoscope, as I am aware that there are times when I enjoy myself, and am motivated to move myself, or do activities. I just could not see it in that moment... it was hidden from me.
I realize that what I should have done in that moment is write out what I was experiencing. Perhaps I was in fear that I might have had to push myself to create something or do something I wasn't prepared or motivated to do. Perhaps there are still lingering emotions from past perceptions and experiences of failure, self-pity, and doubt.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the opportunity within this experience of mundanity, where I could have moved myself to write out what it was I was experiencing, and thus open up new dimensions of the problem rather than just accept the condition as 'me being trapped' in an illusion.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see past the surface of this illusion experience I had of myself in order to dig deeper and peel back the layers of the one point that I was existing as, as mundanity
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within this experience of myself as mundanity, there are more 'hidden' dimensional layers which exist that can show me something more about myself, which will allow me to grow in my relationship and understanding
of myself, and in turn I will be able to assist others within that understanding as well as whatever else I may discover about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is no point in moving myself, because I am only seeing what my mind as consciousness sees as this one point of mundanity, thus there is no point, no stimulation, no excitement or reason to move myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require stimulation, excitement, or a reason to move myself - but rather that I must move myself out of a point of responsibility I have to myself and others to stand for Life, and do what I am able to stop the illusion from controlling my Life and my existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the emotion of vanity, seeking to be stimulated or excited by the desire for others to like me based on a personality system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my attempts at moving myself to create myself will be in vain, and that I will therefore be fruitless in my efforts and remain stuck within this experience indefinitely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved/not moved by the negative/neutral emotional experiences of dullness, boring, blandness, and mundanity.
I commit myself to, when I see myself go into an experience or state of mundanity, or the lack of self-movement, to realize that I do not require feelings or emotions as stimulation or excitement to move me. I move myself, and investigate my experience in writing if possible so that I may uncover the layers of the illusion, for no reason other than to create myself to my fullest potential in standing for Life as what is Best for All Life...until it is done.
Opportunity to peel back the layers and investigate this illusion, and expose it for what it is, an illusion, perhaps behind which is hidden all of the secrets to the joys of Life yet to be discovered.
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