Day 214

I had a good day lined up today, but early this morning my body was in discomfort and so requested that I should not leave immediately, so I was a bit late getting to work.  The day started out alright, yet I was anxious about how the job would turn out.  Some trying situations arose, and there was some backchat of frustration - being within the fear of some disaster taking place or me not getting paid for some reason.   I came back to breathing after a few intervals such as this and realized that, although these frustrations seemed impossible to stop, I still had the choice to slow myself and breathe.

To explain the story - A lady wanted a new fence put in because her existing fence was rotten at the bottom and falling over.  This was because it was not installed properly initially.  The wood was still good in most places, but because of the quick and careless job of the installation, it had to be replaced - halving its useful life expectancy.

So I struggled to solve numerous difficulties that arose today, and eventually finished the job, although a few hours later than expected.  I did get paid so my earlier fear unfounded.  By chance I ran into my nephew and sister-in-law who brought me a drink and a sandwich for lunch at the perfect time, as I did not have time to stop for lunch and was low on energy and hungry.

On the way home 20 minutes from my house I got a flat tire.  I did not have a spare on me so I called a couple people but no one was home.  I ended up having to call a tow truck which cost me over half of what I made today.  It has been a rough week.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the mind during work where I allow myself to react in frustration out of fear of not getting paid or not making enough money, or making a mistake that will cost me a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a big deal out of problems that arise before I allow myself to step back and attempt a few solutions to see if perhaps the problem can be solved relatively easily.

I commit myself to focus myself on the point of resolving/working through/walking the solution to problems at work.  Within this I commit myself to challenge myself to slow down and not allow myself to react when I recognize a problem, so that I can move myself within process of myself to clear work points of frustration and the mind having temper tantrums out of fear.

Day 213 - Persistence

I so easily forget my past, the struggles I have been through with myself. Not that that is bad in itself, it is the fact that I do not consider how much I have to push myself to change myself in each moment. I keep trying to escape the negative energy experience and seeking/desiring a positive energy experience of myself. 

I realize, that which I transcend within myself, I do not do for myself only, but for what is best for everyone. If it were not for the realization of Equality as what is best for all, I would have no reason to give up my selfish desires, unless of course I was still fooled by religion or morality. So although it seems like I am doing this process for no reason at times, I realize I am not the only one, and there is a very real reason, and a very real reward for all those who stand in the future. I breathe. I direct myself, free from enslavement to systems. The resonance says it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am missing something in life when I am pushing resistances and so find myself within a situation where I am seeking to escape the perceived negative energy experience of myself and so desiring some kind of positive energy experience. I realize that there is no point existing in a point of conflict with myself and that being directed and controlled by a positive energy experience of myself creates consequence which I will have to face in the future.

A point which I realized today was, despite the fact that I struggled with certain points within myself for a very long time, eventually with persistence I am able to walk the point within myself and without.

Another point I have to work on with myself is getting the little things done, which there is at times a resistance to doing. When I string together all the little things I will eventually bring myself to becoming consistent and so expanding myself more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect doing the small tasks in that I do not value them equally as the larger tasks, and in so procrastinate and end up in a situation where I have to rush or fall behind schedule because of my lack of self-discipline to get small tasks completed - thus I am not as effective as I could be and thus feel down on myself. 

So I have just recently put together a new re-realization for myself. I notice these little points during my day where I experience an emotional/feeling reaction such as excitement or frustration etc. I have not been dealing with these as effectively as possible, so I have a new plan. The plan is, when I see the emotional/feeling reaction within myself, in the moment to express to myself the feeling or emotion in a way where I can face and direct the point and so stop it within myself. I was also considering channeling the energy into a self-directed physical expression, yet I will work on this more when I am alone as opposed to being at work and breaking out in a song – try not to compromise my job lol – but if that's what needs to be done for me to stop these systems, then so be it.

What I really must do for myself is develop my expression to something I enjoy, to see how I can express myself without any external point of stimulation.      

Day 212 - A Reflection

Looking from the other side...

As it is certain, you are going to die.

So consider for a moment,

You are now dead.



As you look back on your life,

You realize the great shame that you existed as,

The whole world is a shameful place,

So none are exempt



You played your part,

And worst of all,

You denied it all.

You denied yourself Life.



You accepted the system, the program,

You supported it, and encouraged it,

You reveled amidst the Massacre of Life

There's no point denying it now.



You gave up the Greatest Love of All,

Equality as Life,

Afraid of what people would think of you,

If you were Honest with yourself,



You traded Reality for the Illusion,

And refused the Gifts of Self Forgiveness and Change,

While the physical was always right here as You,

In every moment.



"Why did I not See!!!"  You try to scream,

But you have no voice,

You are dead.

You exist now only as a single point of reflection.



You misplaced your Trust,

You accepted the bribe in your secret mind,

You thought no one would Ever find out,

But you Knew



You valued your own Opinions,

What you thought was Right and Good,

Nothing but Lame Excuses and False Justifications...

All worthless now.



You proved that All you Really wanted,

Was Your Dreams, and Your Selfish Desires, for You,

The You who you BeLIEved yourself to be in your Imagination,

You fell for the cheapest lie.



You were too busy to care for real,

Too obsessed with yourself to give a fuck about Life

Now you realize...

It is over.



You had your chance,

To Stand Equal to Life,

But your sudden death was tragic,

And now you have no expression



Ask yourself this...

What would you Give,

Given the chance to go back?

Anything? ...Everything.



That is the Only Gift,

Worthy of Life

Yet when you are dead,

It is too late.

Day 211

I am sick today with a cold which came on over the weekend.  Of course it was unexpected, as that's how things go, we can't predict many things with any degree of certainty.  I had a number of tasks I wanted to get accomplished but to no avail.  I was very tired throughout the day, drained of energy, so I slept a lot.  Over the past few weeks things seemed to have been moving along nicely - I have really notice changes in myself and so have gained some ground in becoming more stable in process, although there is still much work to be done.  

Today was a challenge with all the symptoms of the cold, it really made me consider how much we take for granted.  So many of our body's systems are dependent on each other, they all work together to form the expression of who we are.   My circulation system is dependent on my heart, my lungs and my muscles for breathing, which is also dependent on my teeth system, my throat, my salivary glands, my stomach and my intestinal and digestive systems... which are also dependent on my nervous system, my bone structure system, my skin system and my arms, legs and feet systems, not to mention my kidneys, liver, gall bladder and I could go on and on.

All of these systems are required to work together, and if one fails, it could be all over, or the others will have to work harder to compensate.  What a fragile existence we lead... and all for one thing. Survival, which of course is dependent on our backstabbing money system.  There is no 'living' taking place here.  It is the trap we all enslaved ourselves into, and so we must dig ourselves out.  Join Desteni and investigate Equal Money.      

Day 210 - Panning for Gold - SF on past

Self forgiveness on friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship between myself and X Where I existed within a point of competition thinking that I needed to compete with him in order to get attention for myself from others and girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to classify myself within separation based on my friendship status with X, thus believing myself to be better than others, and thus creating a conflicting energetic polarity with the consequence of the devaluation of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could have more fun as more excitement if I defined myself within a friendship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my friendship with X As a point of self-manipulation and manipulating others through a relationship based in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'better than' another through valuing myself as a good person based on my opinion of how I liked my own personality better than that of others, because it was easy to see manipulation in others, yet I did not want to face my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit my authority of myself to the ideas, beliefs and fears of others whom I considered friends, not realizing that those whom I considered friends were in dishonesty and playing out characters based in fear and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgments of my friends while I was growing up and in so suppress myself in standing up to support self-honesty in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create personalities around friendships which I had developed with those around my neighborhood while I was growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the personality of being a strong person and so define myself as being tougher than others, more resilient to pain and therefore better than others in a way – so that I could get attention for my self defined personality and avoid facing myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of others within my group of friends because they had developed their own personality constructs, and so allow myself to think less of myself because I did not meet up to the standards of my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my responsibility to myself through valuing others as 'more than' within the relationships of being friends with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress self-honesty within myself and thus not develop myself to my full potential because I gave more value and attention to the opinions of my friends than I did to my own self-honesty.

Day 209

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be specific enough with myself - as I acted on an idea I had, yet it did not materialize because I did not fully consider how to apply it, laying out each step in specificity before I went ahead with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the mind as the feeling of tiredness when I begin to write self forgiveness statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the positively charged energetic feeling of relief as having completed a long and arduous task, and so within that allow my mind to seek another positive experience of myself as a reward.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - when I catch my mind wandering in search of the comfort of positive energy - attempt to blame myself rather than immediately apply self forgiveness and corrective application on the spot/point.  Within that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that me - seeing the starting point/corresponding consequence - and thus stopping the thought is sufficient - when in fact I must fully address each point through self forgiveness and self-correction, so that I am fully here within complete awareness and responsibility to myself and my commitment to stand in each breath as Life as what is best for all.  Me desiring/wanting a reward of comfort or relief does not relieve or solve the deception and suffering that exists in this world.

Feeling of tiredness persisted - took a walk outside and it has passed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and do too much and over step my practical responsibilities/alignment points in the belief that I can do everything by myself.  In that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of guilt for not having been as effective as possible in the past.

I commit myself to continue to push my resistances of consistently establishing and directing my breath - as the trap I have set to catch my mind before consequence is created.

I commit myself to be specific with planning my days so that I do not allow any points of justification to hide beneath good ideas or good intentions.

I commit myself  to fully realize that while my body must rest - to 'rest' as who I am is to abdicate myself to the control of the mind - is unacceptable.   I must breathe every breath as me, and stand Equal to the physical as all that is here.

Within that I realize that the times which seem more difficult to direct my breathing (typically between noon and 4pm) it is essential that I push myself specifically during these times so as to maintain consistency and continuity of my application.

Day 208 - Friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and create myself based on past relationships, creating a character of myself relative to how friends judged me, and how I judged myself with groups of friends - rather than standing in self-honesty with myself.   I realize that friendships seemed very important to me in the past, yet I now see/realize/understand that unless I direct friendships in supporting equality and self-honesty, friendships are prone to the development of false personalities and self-denial which supports mind systems as egotistical beliefs, shallow opinions, and self-interested desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the character I created through friends I had when I was young.  I realize that I suppressed myself extensively out of fear of what my friends would think or how they would react, and thus forfeited myself to an image in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the solution to all my anger, sadness, and frustration within myself was to face my fears, forgive myself, and be honest with myself.  This I did not consider, because I was trying so hard to be liked by others in order to alleviate all the negative feelings I had created within the secret world of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value friendships as a means whereby I could attain value for myself in self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was cool, or popular or better than others because I had friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my choice of friends made me better than who I am as a physical being, thus creating conflict within and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate memories within myself in order to conjure a characterized, limited, and self-compromising expression of myself, where I see myself in a positive light as a form of validation that I am a good/fun/cool person - while in the greater picture of our world, we have all allowed tremendous suffering to exist virtually unchallenged in our self-serving desire to be better than others and the physical reality.

I commit myself to expose all alliances that do not support the Best Interest of All.

I commit myself to direct each and every friendship and/or acquaintance in a way that supports Life as Self-honesty in Equality

I commit myself to work for the solution to our world - Equal Money Capitalism and the Equal Life Foundation - through directing all 'friends' in the way in which I would like to be directed - towards understanding self and our responsibility to Life in this world and reality.

I commit myself to redefine friendships to realize the starting point of friendships as me, as my own participation in building support for Life as Equality and the Equal Life Foundation.  I realize that if friendships created this mess of existence, then friendships can certainly support cleaning it up.