I just got my bike back from the repair shop this evening, so I took the opportunity to go for a bike ride through an old trail which I used to do quite often, roughly 10 years ago. I was flooded with memories of not only past rides, but many of the associated feelings that I had on those rides. What I found looking at the memories was that, in the past, my mindset was that of 'thinking about positive things' like adventure, love, beauty, comfort etc... as 'how I had defined them' within the confines of my mental characters at the time. The bike rides were enjoyable experiences for the most part, free time, natural environment, fresh air, mild or vigorous exercise, warm weather, occasionally seeing an animal etc, etc... so it was somewhat effortless, and enjoyable, to wander off into the never never land within my mind.
So what I see within these memory associations, or I should say, what I find very interesting is how I was on this 'wild goose chase', constantly chasing after positive or good feelings stemming from my beliefs at the time... Often, I would think thoughts of love, as past loves, or present potential loves, as well as hopes for future loves as the energy motivated me, to desire to be in environments like that forest - for that very reason - so that I could escape the 'negative drudgery' and devote more time to 'positive feelings' and chasing after those thoughts of beauty, wonder, and the hope that I would one day be completely enveloped by an experience, or sense of total love, which would encompass all of the desires of my mental characters.., including all of the aspects of adventure, fantasy, wonder, and awe.
What I neglected to realize at the time was that, not only were those (fantastical) imaginations impractical and nigh impossible in current physical reality, but they were also inconsiderate, based on the fact that I had ruled out a massive point within my understanding of reality within what I understood, as my foundational belief structure. I believed that 'God' was a wise being in control of the universe and thus caring for my entire life, and therefore I didn't have to worry about anything. Conveniently, neither did I have to actually take responsibility to create or realign myself within the context of my current life. It does not take a very wise man to realize that this type of mental fantasizing, while it served the purpose of helping me to cope with reality, it presented quite a real problem, in the sense that I was actually in a point of aversion, or escapism.
We are so fixated on our own self interested desires, that we do not consider that it is all based on preconceived ideas, and that we have ruled out the very first priority of who we actually are in this life experience. I had ruled out the possibility that I am an Equal, flesh and blood human being in reality, therefore it did not occur to me, and I was content to just continue on fantasizing my life away without actually working on changing myself, to create a life that is Best for All Life. That kind of change takes work, and the courage to be self-honest, to see within ourselves and what we need to change about ourselves in order to align ourselves with that which supports Life - not escaping, or self-interest - but embracing what is here, so that we can change it for good, not good in polarity, but good meaning forever.
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