Monday, 16 May 2016

Day 278 - When can I trust myself?

I encountered a point today where I was uncertain as to how things would play out, because I had previously created scenarios in my mind about the situation and what would happen based on those thoughts.  I then became a little concerned and considered just avoiding the situation altogether, but I decided that it would be best for me to face the point regardless.  

So as it turned out, it was of course nothing like what I had expected, and it was actually quite supportive in allowing me to see and discuss some points within myself in a way that assisted me to understand myself from a new perspective. 

The main point that I noticed in what happened is that I found I was able to trust myself in the situation.  I realized that I am more responsible than I think I am, in the sense that, I often expect I will mess things up or compromise myself in some way, but observing myself in this situation, where I was uncertain of what the outcome would be, I found that I was very aware of myself, as well as the potential play outs of what I was doing... I was aware of my bottom line in that I must be honest with myself and so face the future outcome of whatever choices I make.

There was one specific point of dishonesty I see in hindsight.  That was that I was not self-directive and certain within myself.  I was subjecting myself to an unknown in what I believed the other person was expecting of me, in the fear that I would disappoint that person in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will disappoint someone, and so allow myself to be directed and controlled by uncertainty and fear of letting someone down and/or ruining another persons expectations. I realize that this is self-dishonest in that it is a point of integrity where I must be self-directive in my actions, regardless of what others think or expect of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as likely to mess up or compromise myself before a situation arises.

I realize self-trust is a key point in knowing myself, and thus being able to grow and expand.  I will be looking more closely at the point of self-trust, and where and when I am able to trust myself, and when am I not able to trust myself, as I walk my process to self-honesty.

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