Day 290 - Who Profits?

Who profits from the system?

Who profits from war?

Who profits from capitalism and consumerism?

Who profits from political corruption?

Who profits from educational indoctrination?

Who profits from women and children getting raped through sexual exploitation as a result of a greed-based economic system?

Who has profited from the merciless torture and slaughter of animals for human debauchery and consumption?

Who profits from slave labor?

Who profits from a false justice system?

Who profits from extortion?

Who profits from deception as personalities?

Who profits from false humility and feigned ignorance?

Who profits from religious deception of the masses?

Who profits from a wasteful society?

Who profits from a profane existence where it is deemed acceptable that billions suffer needlessly?

Who profits from fear of standing in defiance of a system of inequality?

Who profits from comfort at the expense of billions in extreme discomfort?

Who profits from valuing relationships over the value of life itself?

Who profits from seeing only what we want to see?

Who profits from doing nothing while the world burns?

Who profits from celebration amidst a living hell?

Who profits from denial of what is here?

Who profits from the saying 'it's always been this way'?

Who profits from not changing?

Who profits from self-righteousness and self-interest?

Who profits from comparison, judgment, and guilt?

Who profits from self-dishonesty?

Who profits from excuses for not taking self-responsibility to stand as the solution?

Who profits from the abuse of Life?

Who suffers the consequences of a profit based system?


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Day 289 - More on Trust

Met up with some awesome horses today while on my bike ride.

I cannot trust myself when I am thinking about something - because what I think is in no way guaranteed to occur, in fact things rarely turn out the way I had thought they would.

I cannot trust my ideas or opinions, as they are of a limited perspective of reality and subject to my own personal, programmed biases.

I cannot trust myself when I am in a reaction, as my reaction would indicate that it is not me, but a response within the starting point of fear, based on survival instincts, and there is no telling what consequence that will create.

I cannot trust any personal desires, as I have seen how in the past they have led me into disastrous consequential issues which took way longer to recover from than the incidents which caused them, if I was lucky enough to recover at all.

I cannot trust my instincts, as there is a great deal of uncertainty within that.

I cannot trust relationships, as people in the world are inherently deceptive, despite the fact that virtually everyone will say they are honest.

I cannot trust the system, as according to the system, I am easily expendable, and of little financial value.

I cannot trust corrupt government leaders, obviously

I cannot trust what I know, as my education has been for the purpose of keeping me suppressed within the idea that I must compete, and slave my life away in order to make a profit off of life

I cannot trust knowledge itself, as knowledge is information designed to protect a hierarchical system of self interest.

I cannot trust the morals I was taught by parents and teachers, as they have only supported the deception, as beliefs in separation from what is here.


So the only thing that I can really trust (which can be cross referenced with another person) is that I am here, and unless I die, I am going to have to face a lot of 'discomforting' points in this reality.  So within that realization, I find the only solution which is to commit myself to embrace what I have created myself as within all of this... so that I can stop living in self-interest and rather walk in awareness.  I commit myself to walk with myself breath by breath, so that I may completely stop any and all deception within myself, and in so doing I may change my outer world to one that supports and honors all life equally.


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Day 288 - A little leaven

According the the Bible, 'The whole world is deceived'.

That means... Every. Single. Person.

Why would it say that?

Similarly, it also says that 'a little leaven (yeast) leavens the whole loaf'.  Meaning the ENTIRE loaf, the entire world, every last human is filled with the leaven of ego/pride/self-interest... because every last person, is a reflection of everyone else.  That is to say that, in actuality, we are no better than the least in our existence, because that grotesquely 'evil' person you are thinking of, is in our existence through our acceptances and allowances, through our inaction, through our dishonesty to self, through our abdication of responsibility to properly forgive ourselves, correct ourselves, and stand for life.

Everyone prefers to blame, without realizing that blame is ineffective, because blame can only be truly resolved through all beings taking equal responsibility to correct and nullify the very existence of blame.  Blaming has never solved anything, because it does not address the source of the problem - that being, self-responsibility to stand for life.  We can only do this when we stop believing ourselves to be 'better than' or 'less than' another, because all that that creates is hierarchy within power and control designed to abuse life.

The creation of laws in order to 'justify' a certain behavior as 'right', only exacerbates the problem of the grand 'dualistic' deception, through making some people out to be right, and others to be wrong in polarity and thus conflict... meanwhile actual physical responsibility is dropped in favor of trying to get revenge on others.  Revenge solves nothing, as it only amplifies hate, and creates more desire for revenge.

Apparently people believe we have the choice to choose to deny our responsibility to life, as if there were no consequence, as if life is not aware, and the consequence would somehow fall to someone else.  The reality is that we only put off consequence for a time, only to eventually realize the army comprised of our own dishonesty we have created is patiently awaiting us in the very near future, and from a certain perspective, it is already here.    

The system is collapsing, and all that you thought you loved will come to naught, because your love was never real... it was never existent within self-honesty as what is best for all life.  Thus we will reap what we have sewn.  Time flies and death awaits us all.  What then of our ego, our self interest, our blame, and excuses?  We have been taught to believe it's okay or 'right' to pass them on to the children of the next generation, so that consciousness can continue to dominate life, and we will never be free from it.

Time for the Solution to Life.


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Day 287

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think thoughts in separation from myself as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the point of what I am doing within this process as to forgive myself, stop my thought patterns, stop judgments of myself and others, and create myself as equal to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose focus, and so hide whatever points I am facing from myself, not allowing myself to see what points are distracting me from facing myself and doing what needs to be done to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get off track with myself and so not realize how I can move myself in a self-supportive way to remain in breath awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the simple lessons of birds, beasts and insects in that they can easily forgive and forget and express without guilt, and that it is only humans who judge and condemn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prevent myself from being here and realizing myself as my physical body, and so realize what opportunities are here for me to investigate and change to become more effective in my process of standing for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prevent myself from realizing what things I can do, and what things would be best for myself and all of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I can do self forgiveness at any point in the day to clear a point within myself to bring myself back to breath awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some profound drama has to happen in my day in order for me to believe that I am somehow important or fulfilled.  I realize that the point of my existence here on earth is to b-earth myself as life in the physical, and within doing that I am content to move myself within my responsibility in that context.

I commit myself to first bring myself into alignment with myself here as breath and stabilize myself within.

I commit myself to uphold my commitment to myself in trusting myself to walk this process until it is done.

I commit myself to continue with self forgiveness until I am clear on every point that is necessary to be addressed.

I commit myself to push my resistances and within doing so realize that suddenly the resistance will no longer exist, because it was only energy.

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Day 286 - Redefining Trust

I have become more aware of my words as of late, and how there exists this peculiar dynamic within conversing with others.  My mind as well as my physical body, has over the years accumulated layers of physically resonant imprints through how I have used various aspects of my expression - in ways such as thinking, speaking, and acting out - all of which have been channels of my intent, or will.

Realizing that my 'will' or 'intent' has been very much diffused, and confused since childhood, I see the necessity of getting to the root and solving this problem for myself.  In so doing, I will be utilizing self forgiveness to redefine my words and assist myself to communicate more clearly and effectively.


To start with, I can look at the word Trust.


My current definition of the word Trust:

Knowing and feeling that I can depend on someone to keep a secret, and to tell me the truth of a matter, as what actually, physically happened.


Google Definition

noun
1.  firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
"relations have to be built on trust"
synonyms: confidence, belief, faith, certainty, assurance, conviction, credence; reliance
"good relationships are built on trust"

2.  (LAW) confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of one or more others.

verb
1. believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.
"I should never have trusted her"

synonyms:  rely on, depend on, bank on, count on, be sure of
"he can be trusted to carry out an impartial investigation"
2. archaic
allow credit to (a customer).

Interestingly, there are many connecting words to the word Trust which assist in understanding the common definition of the word, yet the word is interpreted and perceived differently by different people.

According to my definition, the word is very much tied to a relationship, where I place Trust in myself or another person(s), so that the word becomes part of an agreement, as the terms of the Trust.  Thus, as there are undefined terms of Trust, the Trust is in a form of 'limbo' or 'suspended state' within the possibility of the opposite polarity of Distrust.

So the question arises... Can I completely Trust myself, where no Distrust exists in polarity?  Is there a way in which I can be certain that my Trust is placed firmly and reliably?  Can I Trust Trust itself?  The answer here would be yes, because I can perform a simple test to examine the reliability of my Trust - That being the simple breath test - where I make an agreement with myself that I am going to Trust myself to right now take and inbreath, and then an outbreath.  Within this, I see that there is very little risk involved and I am confident that I will be able to sustain the agreement with myself in this manner.  If I fail this agreement, I die lol.

I see within the definition of the word Trust that the only thing in existence I can really Trust with certainty is that 'I am here', because if I am not here, then there is no one to perform the Trust test, and thus no Trust agreement can be established.   Thus the first point of Trust is - here, in breath awareness - as the physical is the point of agreement which can be cross-referenced, and there is no possibility for 'mental ideas or opinions' or 'spiritual beliefs' as deception, miscommunication, or misunderstanding.

If I were to create a new Trust agreement, say to get up in the morning at 7:00am, I see that there is a possibility for me to be unreliable within that agreement.  However, I realize that even if I were to miss the deadline within this agreement and sleep in, I still Trust myself, because I am certain within myself that I WANT to, and WILL myself to uphold my agreement with myself - because I understand the (harsh) consequences if I do not establish Trust with myself.  So if I were to fail in that, I can simply forgive myself, and make another agreement with myself to correct myself in whatever caused the problem.  In this way, I am walking a process of establishing Trust with myself, and being honest with myself so that I can bring myself to a point of absolute Trust.  Trust is tied to honesty and responsibility, where honesty is the one point of me being here in the physical reality (as opposed to my mind), and I am taking responsibility to fulfill my agreement to myself, to walk my process in doing what is necessary to be done, to create myself as Equal to Life.

In this, I walk with myself breath by breath in agreement, forgiving myself when I make mistakes... and in this way, there is no 'distrust' necessary, as there is no reason or cause for distrust to exist.  Thus I am learning to communicate with and care for myself, in agreement with myself as the physical reality, as absolute Self-Trust, free from polarity.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my Trust with myself in the past, where I have accepted and allowed distrust to exist within myself in polarity to the Trust I had created as a mental image, based on my own self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can Trust my thoughts as my mind, as what I know based on knowledge, rather than me Trusting myself as the physical reality of me being here in breath awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place Trust in anything which does not produce a world that is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to realize and understand that the point of Trust is a point of agreement with myself in relationship to Self-honesty and Responsibility - to myself as the physical, and to the group that stands for what is best for all life.

I commit myself to develop deeper Self Trust within myself and so without in my world so that I may change myself and change my world to create a world that is Trustworthy, and thus worthy of Life.


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Day 285

Thank you Cathy Kraft for all of your support, and for walking the Journey to Life.

https://cathy4worldequality.wordpress.com/

Day 284 - Constructive Self Criticism

I am aware of a number of points within myself which have remained for a long time and need to be addressed.  All of them are interconnected within my personality construct, so the deconstruction process is best done point by point, and layer by layer.  One point that stands out as a connector point, is cynicism or negativity.  I have learned over the years to take the worst case scenario from what will likely go wrong, and work with that.  Unless there is something tangible that I won't have to work very hard to get.  

If I were to step outside of myself for a moment and constructively criticize my life, it might go something like this.  Some of the points I see within myself which need to be addressed are... boring, stagnant, fearful of losing my freedoms, un-expressive, dull, cynical, negative, unprepared, naive, lack of direction, lack of confidence, uncertain, defeated, indecisive, not completely responsible.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that I am boring and dull, and so go into and get stuck in the personality of being boring and dull, rather than realizing that I can challenge myself within the experience of being boring in order to counter and dispel that belief, thereby pushing my limitations and using the belief as a platform for transcendence of the mental state and self-judgment of boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into a state of stagnation, where I believe that I am incapable of moving myself towards the goals I have created for myself.  I realize that, assuming I have established a firm plan or foundation, a little effort each day is all that is required to be consistent in moving myself towards my potential goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of losing my freedoms.  I realize that this fear keeps me enslaved to my comforts as my daily patterns and things that I do to keep myself occupied while I remain enslaved to this fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself and not challenge myself to express myself as a point of personal introspection. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-expression because I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within condemnation and shame of how I have judged my life experience.  I realize that this process of correction takes time to walk out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the cynical character as a means of trying to escape my responsibility to be directive, and to create solutions to problems which I or others are confronted with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach problems from a negative perspective, not allowing myself to realize that this negativity is a precognicized (my word) justification for me to opt out and wash my hands of any responsibility, because I have predetermined that the risk is not worth the reward - without giving due consideration to the actual potential - because I have accepted and allowed the subtle undercurrent of fear of loss to rule over me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unprepared for my life and what may come at any moment.  I realize that walking breath by breath is the only way to be prepared in every moment.  That along with the understanding that I am responsible to create solutions which are best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed naivety to exist within myself, where I am at times unaware of what someone is attempting to communicate or do. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed naivety as unawareness, and the taking advantage of naivety to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself within having a lack of direction.  I realize that now that my foundation is understood, my direction is able to be created, as is my responsibility to create direction for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose confidence within myself through self-judgment. I realize that confidence is something I can work on through releasing the self-judgment within myself, and realizing what, where, and when to use confidence within responsibility to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack certainty within myself through self-judgment.  I realize that this is a point to work on, where there are things I am certain of, such as, the fact that consequence always follows dishonesty - that is certain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am defeated, and so act out my inner defeat in my outside world as the manifestation of self-pity.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself and blame others for me not creating myself within my full potential.  Blame is lame.  I take responsibility to correct my mind and body, to no longer blame others for what I have accepted and allowed within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within indecisiveness.  I realize that this has been a difficult point for myself relating to other factors in my life such as finances and health, yet even within those contexts I can still work with myself on learning to be decisive, to learn to trust myself in decision making, to learn that I am able to manage the decisions I make, and to learn that all decisions must lead to assisting and supporting myself and others to creating what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not completely responsible within all areas of my life.  I realize that there are points which need work and I am committed to challenging myself within this process of becoming more and more responsible so that I can honor life as it should be honored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for all of these points.  I realize that all of these points here are based on programming, as the outflow of what we have all accepted and allowed to exist here within this life experience, and so it is not only my responsibility, but the responsibility of everyone else as well.

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Day 283 - Don't be Hasty

Online Dictionary Definition
im·pet·u·ous
imˈpeCH(o͞o)əs/
adjective
acting or done quickly and without thought or care.


I relate heavily to this experience of acting hastily, rashly, or impetuously often in seeking the most efficient, quickest, inexpensive route in order to fulfill a need or want within myself.  This is a problem, as I realize that most of the time, this is done from a standpoint of ego, in trying to demonstrate or prove how 'effective' (or any number of other positive attributes) I can be... with the results often being either poor quality, counterproductive, or complete ineffectiveness, to the extent that the point must be walked again, with me looking back and saying to myself 'Had I been patient the first time, I could have done things correctly in one try'.

Acting rashly can also occur from the starting point of anger, or fear, as me seeking to resolve an issue as quickly as possible, so that I can move from the negative experience, on to something more positive.  Sometimes I am trying to bury or hide a point of anxiety or conflict within myself, which I would rather not deal with in the present moment. Often I fear that I will not be able to find a solution to resolve the issue.

Trying to circumvent, or shorten decision making by trying to reduce the amount of consideration or forethought that is required to go into the decision making process is ultimately compromising.  I realize that this often presents a problem in my life, especially when trying to estimate jobs which often take twice or three times the amount of time and effort which I originally thought.

Acting rashly is something I have done for as long as I can remember.  It is how I have learned to cope with, or try to circumvent problems, or find the easy way shortcut, rather than considering that the problems (from the starting point of myself) must be resolved and completely cleared, or they will arise again, as is the nature of the process of facing our self-created consequence.

I have observed this point over the years, and in doing so, I have learned to slow myself down and be a little more patient, particularly with regards to not allowing others to rush me to the extent that I will be likely to make errors in judgment.  This has helped me greatly, specifically in my approach to work, and in assisting me to refrain from careless and impulsive spending.  Patience also allows for the possibility of moments of realization which would never have occurred to me, had I acted rashly or hastily.

This patience has to be balanced, in that I must take care to not be so patient as to become lax and complacent, or suppress myself completely within a point of practicing restraint.  I realize that we are most often under some form of stress, be it time, money, work, or relationship stress, these all have impact on our actions, yet we must correct ourselves so as to not allow ourselves to be directed and controlled by these dynamics.

Even subtle rashness or hastiness can have significant impact when we act without considering the consequences we will have to face in the event that we find out we have outwitted ourselves.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act hastily and rashly, without full consideration for what will be the consequences of my actions.   I realize that this is a point of me desiring to avoid facing myself, for fear of discovering and having to change my own dishonesty, and thus having to give up some habit or some way of thinking or behaving, thus fearing that I will be bored to death, not become who I want to be, or that I will have no reason to live.  I recognize this as the mind attempting to bully me with false fears with no substance in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bored to death.  I realize that I must create myself here in each moment as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear discovering my own dishonesty and fear having to change each point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to give up some habit or way of thinking, and within that fear that I will become bored to death.  I realize that the point of my existence is now based on my commitment to stand for and as life, and to honor life with all of my thoughts, words, and deeds so that I may bring myself to the point of nothingness, and life can be born in the physical as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will be ashamed of myself and want to give up on myself were I to slow myself down, face myself, forgive myself, and correct myself within walking my process to self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will have no reason to live if I were to face myself within slowing down in and as breath awareness, when I see that I am acting hastily and rashly, without consideration for the consequences I am creating within acting rashly or hastily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to circumvent, or shorten the decision making process by trying to reduce the amount of consideration or forethought that is required to go into decision making.

I commit myself to embrace patience within my process so that I may become very effective in my awareness of when, where, why, and how I am acting rashly and hastily in my reality... thus compromising myself.  I realize that I am capable of directing myself as being patient within my process by way of breath awareness.

I commit myself to embrace discipline within my process of addressing the problem of acting rashly and hastily in my moment to moment life experiences.

I commit myself to address the source points of why I am acting rashly or hastily within my process, so that I may discover what it is that is causing me to maintain myself within a state of aversion.

I commit myself to seek the best option, and the best solution which would solve the problems in my life so that I may no longer be directed and controlled by 'trying' to be good, or efficient, or intelligent, or wise, or noble... or any other positive attribute.  I simply realize that there is no choice, as any choice would indicate self-interest.

When and as I see myself acting rashly or hastily, I slow myself down and breathe, bringing myself into awareness here in patience, so that I may carefully consider what it is which I am creating in the moment, and how the consequences of my actions will play out.  I commit myself to choose only that which supports life... decisions which I can live with, and stay in alignment with the principle of what is best for all life.


Don't be Hasty - Treebeard


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Day 282 - Forest Trail Bike Ride

I just got my bike back from the repair shop this evening, so I took the opportunity to go for a bike ride through an old trail which I used to do quite often, roughly 10 years ago.  I was flooded with memories of not only past rides, but many of the associated feelings that I had on those rides.  What I found looking at the memories was that, in the past, my mindset was that of 'thinking about positive things' like adventure, love, beauty, comfort etc... as 'how I had defined them' within the confines of my mental characters at the time.  The bike rides were enjoyable experiences for the most part, free time, natural environment, fresh air, mild or vigorous exercise, warm weather, occasionally seeing an animal etc, etc... so it was somewhat effortless, and enjoyable, to wander off into the never never land within my mind.

So what I see within these memory associations, or I should say, what I find very interesting is how I was on this 'wild goose chase', constantly chasing after positive or good feelings stemming from my beliefs at the time... Often, I would think thoughts of love, as past loves, or present potential loves, as well as hopes for future loves as the energy motivated me, to desire to be in environments like that forest - for that very reason - so that I could escape the 'negative drudgery' and devote more time to 'positive feelings' and chasing after those thoughts of beauty, wonder, and the hope that I would one day be completely enveloped by an experience, or sense of total love, which would encompass all of the desires of my mental characters.., including all of the aspects of adventure, fantasy, wonder, and awe.

What I neglected to realize at the time was that, not only were those (fantastical) imaginations impractical and nigh impossible in current physical reality, but they were also inconsiderate, based on the fact that I had ruled out a massive point within my understanding of reality within what I understood, as my foundational belief structure.  I believed that 'God' was a wise being in control of the universe and thus caring for my entire life, and therefore I didn't have to worry about anything. Conveniently, neither did I have to actually take responsibility to create or realign myself within the context of my current life.  It does not take a very wise man to realize that this type of mental fantasizing, while it served the purpose of helping me to cope with reality, it presented quite a real problem, in the sense that I was actually in a point of aversion, or escapism.

We are so fixated on our own self interested desires, that we do not consider that it is all based on preconceived ideas, and that we have ruled out the very first priority of who we actually are in this life experience.  I had ruled out the possibility that I am an Equal, flesh and blood human being in reality, therefore it did not occur to me, and I was content to just continue on fantasizing my life away without actually working on changing myself, to create a life that is Best for All Life.  That kind of change takes work, and the courage to be self-honest, to see within ourselves and what we need to change about ourselves in order to align ourselves with that which supports Life - not escaping, or self-interest - but embracing what is here, so that we can change it for good, not good in polarity, but good meaning forever.


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Day 281 - Coyote Accident

I just got back from some errands in town.  On my way back I had to suddenly stop, as the cars in front of me were braking abruptly.  The cars were pulling to the side of the road to get by what I eventually noticed as an accident from the plastic pieces of debris on the road.  I then saw the casualty.  A full grown adult coyote was lying in the middle of the road.  No one was stopping.  I got out to check the animal to see if it was okay, and in fact it was still alive.   As I walked up to it, the animal noticed me, got up and cantered across to the other side of the road, over the ditch and lay in some grass beside a fence.  I followed it once I was able to cross the road, and began talking to it, saying (cant remember exactly) 'hey bud, are you okay there?' things like that.  

I saw that the animal was breathing heavily, I considered how the animal must have been in pain, although likely still in a considerable amount of shock.  A feeling of sadness came over me at this point.  The animal then lowered it's head into the grass leaving it's paw up on the horizontal post laying beside it.    

I tried to think of what I could do at this point.  I decided to head to the nearest veterinary clinic to see if I could perhaps somehow get a tranquilizer to help the animal.  I drove about 10 minutes away and found the clinic and explained the situation to the two women at the desk, who then asked the doctor if there was anything we could do in this situation.  They explained that there are laws governing what can and can't be done in these types of situations, and that there is nothing they could do.  I even asked if I could buy a tranquilizer and administer it myself, but that was not possible either, and I was directed to call the city's by law enforcement to take care of the situation.

I went back to where the animal was to check on it. The lady who had hit the animal was there, and because she stood back away from the animal, she asked me about its condition, to which I informed her that it had died.

What was astonishing to me was that there were many people who saw the accident before myself, yet just sped on past as if nothing had happened.  The point is that on some level, everyone cares yet we are unaware, compartmentalized, and out of touch with physical reality.  Self interest is so alluring that we do not see what is right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get emotionally caught up in this event, because I was able to see with my eyes and experience it first hand... meanwhile millions of animals are tortured and slaughtered daily, yet I express no emotion for those animals, therefore I am blinded to the actual state of tremendous fear, suffering, and abuse which is constantly here, just out of sight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad within myself for seeking help from those who are bound by laws within the system, rather than simply staying with the animal.  I realize that the injuries were to extensive and there was nothing that I could have done to rescue the animal.   I am grateful for the support of seeing the reality of what is here.

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Day 280 - The Quest for Self Honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-honesty within myself and within sharing myself with others in my world, so that I may change myself to be closer in alignment to self-honesty and thus caring for Life in its totality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge self-honesty within my own definition of what it means to be self-honest, as opposed to me giving up my self-interest and opening myself up to the possibility that I may not fully understand why things in life are the way they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit self-honesty to what I think it is, as opposed to me allowing myself to receive perspectives by others who are openly within the process of applying themselves and learning how to become self-honest right down to the flesh and bone of physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself from self-honesty, preferring to delude myself and others within false personalities, only delaying the inevitable of what must come, as me facing myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself and others to exist as within my life experience on earth - as characters of shame, and disgrace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-intimacy in seeing into myself dishonesty and issues that need to be addressed, forgiven, and changed in order for me to support myself to be in alignment with what is best for all life, so that I may prepare myself to face the tougher, deeper points within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself within the fear of who I might become, what I might lose or have to give up, and what others will think of me if I were to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ideas of what I will be like, look like, or act like if I were to be completely honest with myself in allowing myself to challenge my beliefs of what self-honesty means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose my ideas of honesty onto self honesty, thus creating deception within myself and denying myself the opportunity to make amends with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-honesty is something that can be molded to best suit my self-interest.

I commit myself to push myself to see, realize, and consider what self-honesty actually is - despite my preconceived ideas, beliefs, and opinions of what self-honesty is.

I commit myself to be serious in my quest to challenge my own views as well as what I have been taught to believe of what self-honesty actually is.

I commit myself to trust myself in my quest to investigate self-honesty, cross-referencing for accuracy and from different perspectives so that I may be certain without a doubt, and thereby open myself up to the potential of growth and expanding myself,... and so bursting my illusory bubbles of self-deception in the amazing process of self-realization.

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Artwork by Alan Lee

Day 279 - To Speak or Not to Speak

Was walking into the grocery store today and noticed a Chinese couple also going into the store.  I did not pay much attention as they were speaking Chinese to each other, but I could tell that they were a bit uncertain about their surroundings, as if they had just arrived in Canada recently.

I have not been to China, however I have traveled to a few places around the world like Egypt, Israel and Mexico.  One thing that is obvious about the city where I live (Ottawa) is that our societal norms are comparatively quite rigid, almost zombie-like due to this city's political influence.  Generally speaking, we pay little attention to anyone, and just go about our business.  This happens in most places in the world nowadays I realize, with all of our cellphones, classifications, separations of character, race, sex etc, etc.

Back to my point.  In hindsight, I feel that it would have been appropriate for me to at least welcome them to Canada.  I just walked by and said nothing of course, as I was thinking of things I needed to buy, and did not process the situation fully.  I was not present.  There have been countless moments like this in my life where I looked back and saw that it would have been cool of me to say something, share a little, yet the moment slipped by.  Which is why I am making note of my lack of awareness here.

I must add that there have also been plenty of times where I have spoken out unnecessarily in ego and stuck my foot in my mouth.  So it would appear that the point here is that, while I can share at times, I must do so with awareness of my starting point.

For example, while working on a deck in a customers back yard last week, I blurted out that 'all they needed was a hot tub (in their back yard)'... meanwhile, they already had one.  Felt kinda dumb.  Why did I say that lol?  I was trying to make conversation... trying to fill the void with irrelevant information.  There was also a small point of manipulation where I was trying to make light of the situation, or put them at ease and it failed. Not cool.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be going about my business in self interest, only considering myself and my own needs, as opposed to being here with myself in self awareness, prepared at all times to respond in awareness and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make conversation with irrelevant information in order to fill in an uncomfortable void, as opposed to speaking and sharing in self honesty, being present, self directed, specific, considerate, supportive, and appropriate to the listener.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate someone with my words through me being on autopilot, and not being here in awareness as treating others as I would like to be treated... Also speaking to others as I would like to be spoken to, of course within moderation of what they are able to handle.

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Day 278 - When can I trust myself?

I encountered a point today where I was uncertain as to how things would play out, because I had previously created scenarios in my mind about the situation and what would happen based on those thoughts.  I then became a little concerned and considered just avoiding the situation altogether, but I decided that it would be best for me to face the point regardless.  

So as it turned out, it was of course nothing like what I had expected, and it was actually quite supportive in allowing me to see and discuss some points within myself in a way that assisted me to understand myself from a new perspective. 

The main point that I noticed in what happened is that I found I was able to trust myself in the situation.  I realized that I am more responsible than I think I am, in the sense that, I often expect I will mess things up or compromise myself in some way, but observing myself in this situation, where I was uncertain of what the outcome would be, I found that I was very aware of myself, as well as the potential play outs of what I was doing... I was aware of my bottom line in that I must be honest with myself and so face the future outcome of whatever choices I make.

There was one specific point of dishonesty I see in hindsight.  That was that I was not self-directive and certain within myself.  I was subjecting myself to an unknown in what I believed the other person was expecting of me, in the fear that I would disappoint that person in some way.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will disappoint someone, and so allow myself to be directed and controlled by uncertainty and fear of letting someone down and/or ruining another persons expectations. I realize that this is self-dishonest in that it is a point of integrity where I must be self-directive in my actions, regardless of what others think or expect of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as likely to mess up or compromise myself before a situation arises.

I realize self-trust is a key point in knowing myself, and thus being able to grow and expand.  I will be looking more closely at the point of self-trust, and where and when I am able to trust myself, and when am I not able to trust myself, as I walk my process to self-honesty.

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Day 277 - A Moment of Consideration

I have a number of items on my todo list.  Some short, mid, and long term goals, which before recently, I had not given much real consideration.  Partially because I did not realize how to take responsibility for myself - and that because I did not fully understand how to take responsibility for myself and others, and that I could and should do so.   All of this because I did not fully understand the starting point of myself as an equal living being... yet even that is not a valid excuse, as we are all aware.

So here we are, faced with our consequence.  If we do not see it, that is because we are living in compartmentalized bubbles in our head, rest assured, more is on the way.  Yet with a little investigation and research, we quickly realize the shame of what is here in all of its raw cruelty - only it is mostly hidden from our conscious awareness.  Occasionally we get a rude and sudden wake up call, however we have no control over that, as we foolishly gave our directive principle away so that we no longer have a say in even our own life or death.  We are owned by the system.  The system has gained control and no one can stop it.

When will we learn that morality is not self honesty?  When will we learn that honesty is not self-honesty, and what really is self honesty?  When will we learn to address the source of problems, rather than trying to suppress the symptoms in hope the problem will go away?  When will we stop trying to defer responsibility onto others?  When will we learn that being divided is to be conquered?  When will we learn that there is no other way,.. and all other ways lead only to more shame, suffering, and separation?

When will we stop existing and celebrating on the backs of suffering animals?  When will we stop the belief that it's okay and acceptable to be spiteful?  When will learn to communicate responsibly, and effectively?  When will we understand that we cannot allow ourselves to make decisions without considering and adhering to the principle of what is best for all life - or there will be inevitable and severe consequence?  When will we learn that revenge does not equate to a solution?    When will we learn that there is only ONE single point which we can ALL agree on?  When will we realize that the point of self honesty is to stand as Equals in changing ourselves so that we may walk the process of learning to create what is best for all life?

I have heard it said that on the precipice we change.  It sounds good, however that is untrustworthy and only serves as a comfort to give us an excuse why we do not have to change who we are here and now.  The precipice is Hollywood, and by that time if we have not changed, then it is too late.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world full of oblivious humans without the foundational understanding or care of who we are within existence and what we are creating and allowing to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to the extent that I have abdicated all of the decisions governing my very existence to fools who have no consideration for life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self honesty, as creating myself as standing equal to life here in each breath, in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility to stand as the solution to life.

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Day 276 - Fantasy as Escapism Pt. 2

Following my last post, why is it that an over indulgence in Fantasy is evidence of problems in ones life?  For myself, had I understood myself and reality more clearly, I would have been able to support myself out of this 'crutch' or 'mental sedative' of fantasizing, so that I could be more effective at being true to myself in this reality here, thus more fulfilled, and closer to living my full potential in life.

Why did I spend so much time fantasizing and dreaming of being in another world?  Mostly because I was (very) unhappy with my life.  I wanted to escape because I did not see a way of addressing the deeply rooted and unresolved issues I was faced with.  It was an easy way out, of hiding myself within my mental world so that I could help myself feel better about myself, and the possibility that maybe someday, somehow I would be able to experience some of the feelings I felt through my imaginations of fantasy.  I did not consider self-forgiveness as a solution to my problems.

It seems to me that on a deep level of unconscious awareness, we realize that this harsh existence that we live is not all there is, we KNOW that there is more to life, and that is precisely why we justify our abusive behavior...  we trust that the problem will be corrected somehow in the future.  The problem is, this trust is misplaced, because we do not recognize ourselves as the starting point of change, and that we must change ourselves, because WE are the problem.

We strive to escape the suffering and brutalities in this existence in many different ways, fantasy is just one of those ways, and there are many who have indulged in fantasy using it as an escape in the same way I have.  The fascinating point is that there really is no escape, in the sense that we are the creators, creating our world and ourselves in every moment.  Thus every moment invested in an alternate reality in our minds, is a moment of self-abdication, re-creating the patterns of the past, and neglecting to take responsibility for what is here in this reality in the present.

Anyone lost fantasizing about other worlds or alternate realities to this one must support themselves to understand and realize, that this physical reality that we share has to be fully addressed, faced, changed, and aligned with what is best for all life, down to every last detail.  The process can be likened to Frodo carrying the ring into Mount Doom, as we must walk ourselves out of our delusion, on our way to destroy the ring of power and control, and in that sense creating ourselves as Equal to the physical reality, so that we may correct what we have accepted and allowed to exist within our world... as separation and shame.

What will YOU do with the one ring?

There is more to share on this in following posts..

How to get the ring into Mordor


Artwork by John Howe "The Door of Night"



 

Day 275 - Fantasy as Escapism

An old relative of mine, call her my Grandmother although the relation is not exact, used to read to us on occasion when we were children before going to sleep on Saturday night.  One story she read to us was 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" by C.S.Lewis.   I was so completely captivated by this book, that I would not allow myself to fall asleep.  I recall being so excited to hear every chapter, making myself stay awake while she read, to the point where everyone else was asleep and she became too tired to read anymore.  I could not get enough.  It was as if something was pulling me right into the land of Narnia.

I eventually bought the book and read it myself when I was around 12 years old.  It was not until I was in my late teens that I was in a bookstore and picked up a copy of J.R.R.Tolkiens 'The Lord of The Rings'.  Quite fittingly, I was reading it while travelling across Canada to British Columbia (the region of the Canadian Rocky Mountains) to plant trees with a friend... so my own life adventure coincided nicely.  Needless to say, that book completely swept me off my feet, (despite Bilbo's warning) and it was at that point that I found myself lost in, and in love with the fantastic realm of Middle Earth.

For those who have not read the books, they are widely accepted as the most profound mythical writings in the fantasy genre, to which all other books of significant merit are comparatively measured.  Tolkien was a master craftsman, while being an English professor at Oxford, possessed all the tools necessary to create his world down to every fine detail.   He added layer after layer of intricacy, genealogy, character depth, along with descriptive writings which were so compelling and enchanting, I would often find myself reading slowly... as if I myself was actually wandering through the magical woods of Lothlorien.

The LOTR books gave me a sense that there was something more to life than what was seen, something deeper, that existed below the surface... that somehow I already knew existed, yet it was out of reach to all but the fleeting glimpses in my mind.  I would read passages in the evening, and the next day, I would recall what I read, and for a moment, I would be taken out of the misery of my mind, and transported to a place where it all made sense to me.  I knew who was good, and who was bad, who I could and couldn't trust, and I knew what I would do... I felt more at peace and at home there in the story than I did in reality, and I truly wished I could trade my existence, here for there.  I often asked myself 'Why isn't reality more like fantasy?'.. but sadly, I had no reasonable answer for myself.

This was my attempt at escapism, which Tolkien himself wrote about when referring to the nature of manifested reality vs faerie, saying something along the lines of (don't quote me exactly on this) 'It is only natural that we want and try to escape it (reality), and thus we are in a sense, meant to escape.'  I understand why he said that, however I do not concur.  I realize now that we have no choice but to face our creation in the physical reality.  

After a lifetime of wandering the shores of Middle Earth, as the hero in my own story in my head, I must say that I feel as though those books helped me through some of lifes struggles.  Knowing this, I felt sadness for many who could not read, and so not had the support of this perspective to assist them through the terrible realities of this world.  This assisted me to realize how crippling illiteracy actually is.

In following posts, I will expand more on how fantasy can easily lure us into a point of self-definition, self-deception, and self-compromise, where escapism begets hiding, and one can end up abdicating one's life to a fairy tale that has little basis in reality.


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Artwork by John Howe

Day 274

"I deserved better".  I observed this dimension of thought, where it was not those specific words, yet that was the undercurrent, as what was implied and generally accepted as truth within the depths of my mind.

"I deserved better... because of my intelligence... Yes, I should have had more... "

"I deserved better... because of my heritage and family relations..."

"I deserved better... because of my appearance..."

"I deserved better... because of my physical strength..."

"I deserved better... because I truly enjoy piling on the justifications... and so I flip another golden coin of conscious thought into the offering plate of my favorite charity, self-pity.

"I should have been better..."

"Why didn't I just...."

"Why couldn't I have been better..."

"Why was I so dumb?..."

Regret justifies Fear and Anger, Fear and Anger justify Blame, Blame justifies Resentment, Resentment justifies Stagnation, and Stagnation justifies Suppression and Depression, Suppression and Depression justify Self Interest, and Self Interest justifies Self-Righteousness... Like riding the merry go round and round.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in mental conversations where I accepted the underlying idea that I deserved better in my life because of some trait or characteristic of myself - as opposed to seeing myself as an Equal Physical being, Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was better than anyone in any way and thus deserved 'better' in this life, when there is nothing in existence that provides valid justification for me to believe that I deserve an unequal share of resources, comforts, indulgences or experiences while here on this planet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset with myself in thinking that I could have/should have/would have done better in my past, and so use these desire's to be better than others in my past, as justifications for me to be upset with myself, pity myself, exist in grief, suppress myself and subject myself to depression and irresponsibility to stand for Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself and contribute to the justifications of self-pity in order to further justify irresponsibility to stand for Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses as to why I cannot contribute to the support of Life.



Imagine an alien race suddenly appeared on Earth.  1 alien for each human being, each at their respective human counterparts location.  Now say, each alien had a ray gun pointed at their human counterpart, and said to them "From now on, you will do nothing outside of what is Best for All Life... Every Thought, Word, and Action will be in line with that principle - or you will be killed instantly."

So, every human had to stop what they were doing immediately, and work together to solve the problems of humanity in Practical Common Sense, following the orders of the Alien beings - otherwise they would be blasted by the ray gun and killed.

How long do you think would it take for all of our problems to be solved ?  1 Day?  1 Month?  1 Year Maybe?

And... Would we ever go back to living in Self Interest again?

No, we would not, because living as Equals as what is Best for All Life would be totally awesome... not to mention ten billion times better than being enslaved to a sick system of Greed and Self Interest.

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