Day 431 - Blame

 Wednesday September 30

Why do I do what I do.  

Judgment feelings

Blame feelings

Anger emotion, feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor feelings of anger without realizing the hidden projection of blame behind what is disguised as anger.  I realize that within me not being specific with regards to exposing this projection, I am participating in blame and so perpetuating the problem rather than taking responsibility to correct the point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take revenge on myself through the projection of blame disguised as anger, and so use that anger as an excuse why I do not have to do anything because it is someone else's fault that I am angry.

I forgive myself that I have prevent myself from seeing myself with regards to what are my strengths and weaknesses so that I can move forward with confidence in whatever point that I am able to contribute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify irresponsibility through uncertainty.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility within a negative charge/connotation attaching to the definition a series of belief systems based on past events which were not actual responsibility but enslavement.  I realize that responsibility can be enjoyable, rewarding, and can prevent negative consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a fool of myself and so within that not realize that that fear creates suppression which in turn creates missed opportunity for growth and expansion and potentially tragic consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in doubt and the doubting of myself through limited awareness of self

Day 430 - Missed Opportunity

 Thursday September 24, 2020

Pickleball was fun tonight.  I was playing well.   I have found a new card game on the internet that has had my attention for the past few days.  It began as a physical card game about 20-30 years ago, and I have wanted to play the game for a long time but never took the time to learn it.   Its strange, because the game is something I would have enjoyed in the past.  As I was considering why I have never got into it before, I realized there were a few reasons.  

Firstly, because I never knew anyone who played, and there were no group gatherings I knew of in the area.  

Secondly,  I never invested the time and effort to find groups that played.  

Thirdly, I was uncertain about unknown factors such as cost, time, and interestingly there was a slight fear because partly due to my religious programming, I thought that there was something evil about the game.  So because of my judgments and assumptions, I did not investigate and so missed the opportunity to enjoy a really intriguing and cool pastime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments and assumptions about a card game which I judged as evil without investigation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting for the time and effort to investigate for myself ways I could have explored how this game worked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by subtle programmed fears and uncertainty as opposed to seeing and testing things for myself  

   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass up on opportunities that would have allowed for expansion and self development which could have created more growth and more opportunities beyond that

Day 429 - Dream Reflection

 Monday September 21, 2020

Dream

I was with a few women in a very old house.  We discovered a hidden passageway to a very old room which contained an astounding collection of ancient masterpieces.  They were very odd looking, but just by glancing upon them one could tell that they were crafted with extreme care and must have taken a very long time to complete.  One piece was a 6 foot corner shelving type unit with a steel frame that was filled out with extremely detailed beeswax.  The girl I was immediately enamored with the piece and grabbed it as if to take it with her.  In doing so she melted some of the wax with her hands and marred the piece.  There was another strange piece that caught my attention.  It was a closed hand held mirror which was completely covered in a very rough vine-like texture.  It had an actual vine all around it, and the vine came off the top of the mirror as if to form half of an eternity symbol.  I recall how deeply precious this piece felt to me, and the emotion carried out as I woke up remembering the dream. 

In reflection, I see that we as humans sometimes completely miss the beauty and awe of life as represented by the hidden passage.  Sometimes if and when we do find it, we quickly become enamored and get so caught up in the beauty that we can miss the point and try to possess that which cannot be possessed.  I see that we cannot fathom the care and effort that has gone in times before us, but sometimes there is a remnant left for us to discover.  I see that the most dear treasures are not fully understood, they can be felt for a short time, yet the feelings are fleeting, coming and going like the wind.   

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the point in trying to possess beauty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand my own existence, myself, my potential, my expression, my purpose and reason for being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in the belief that I can be something that I am not

I forgive myself that I have not equally given back to life all that has been given to me 

Day 428 - Reading it Wrong

 Thursday September 17, 2020

Dream

I was walking around in a downtown section of what felt like my city of Ottawa.  It was nighttime and there were various people walking around.  There was a single story white brick building and I was walking around it looking for an entrance.  I was looking for a place to stay for the night and while this building did not have any signs describing itself as a hotel, I had a feeling that I had been there before so I was intent on getting inside to at least ask someone.  I did find the door, and when I got in there was an older gentleman that greeted me.  I just had to pose for a picture to get access to a room for the night.  Once my picture was taken, I was led down a hallway and greeted by a tall blond woman.  She then led me further into the building where I received a towel and some supplies for the night.  It looked like an office building on the inside which had cubicles walls halfway to the ceiling.  She showed me to a very small cubicle which there was a sink on one side and a red headed girl sitting in a chair on the other.  The blond lady was showing me the sink and strangely mentioned to me to not touch her leg for more than 3 seconds.  My guess was that she had that happen to her recently and felt uncomfortable about it.  The blond lady left and I turned to the smiling red haired girl.  In a force of habit I greeted her with an awkwardly gentle fist bump.  I realized I vaguely knew her from somewhere as she mentioned she was just finishing up some work and would be leaving shortly thereafter.   

Haven't had so much excitement around pickleball lately, the game is still enjoyable, however I guess I have learned about as much as I can from it.   I see it as necessary exercise for the body, and a point of interacting with the community here.  I suspect I am not challenging myself or others as much as I could be, just going along with the flow and not taking initiative to expand self awareness.  

Reading it wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in my expectations of how others will judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in how I will react if others judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown aspects of myself and in that suppress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate through the hidden fear of the unknown, not realizing that the fear of the unknown is actually a major key to self realization and self expansion beyond the mundane systematic programming.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read it wrong in projecting judgments in how I think others are judging me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my reactions are coming from past experiences of being punished and told that I am a 'bad person' for not realizing and understanding myself. 

Day 427 - Time and Freedom

 Wednesday September 16, 2020

Message that occurred to me last night:  Time is the point that reveals self honesty

Was feeling a bit tired and nauseous today, so did some groceries then slept for a bit.  Grateful that I have the ability to take time to rest when others do not have the luxury.  

Its interesting how we see many protesters these days are shouting 'freedom!', as if that were a point of unity.  Freedom is non specific, and so can incur many forms of self interest justified by the fact that it is proclaimed without context.  Non-contextualized freedom can only exist in a mental state of chaotic insanity, and so it is not truly free, but rather the opposite, as non are free until all is free.  Any revolution consisting of groups that are non-specific, and thus not based in any unified principle are divided and so subject to inevitable disintegration.  The simple common sense solution is to create a world that supports life in the best way possible, that is actually best for all life.  That way, no deception can exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet in abstaining from pushing myself to do my best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my input is less valid than that of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as time so that I may give myself time to create what is necessary to be created for my best and the best for all life here. 

Day 426 - Working for Buddy

 Tuesday September 15, 2020

Worked for an old buddy from h.s. Today.  Had some convo afterwords that was quite eye opening as to how some people I have known for a long time have been existing.  A part of me was surprised, and interestingly another part was delighted to know that some people that I have known have been so 'wild' and rebellious.  That is a selfish feeling that came up and I would not glorify it, as the consequences although unseen, are surely disgraceful for all affected.  It is so strange in contrast to what I have been going through the past 20 years or so, I literally feel like I've been living on a different planet.  This world is insane.  For myself to have been given the opportunity to realize the greater solution is a truly amazing and unfathomable gift and one that I would not trade for anything.  I tried to explain to my buddy, and while he did seem to understand some points I made, I know he could not grasp the whole picture, no matter how simple I made it.  

     

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel delighted to know people who have embellished themselves in existence.  I realize the consequences are not something worthy of glorifying.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be better than others who have lived these types of experiences, I realize that I could easily be in their shoes. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of others who have lived a wild and rebellious lifestyle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as fearful for not living on the edge like others who have been described to me.  I realize that these things are done from the starting point of glorifying a personality in self interest, thus nothing new, just a robotic cycle of self indulgent ignorance of the greater picture. 

Day 425 - Alignments

 Monday September 14, 2020

Disengaged

Brown nosing

Farce - no judgment

Out of alignment

I see so much brown nosing in peoples relationships.  People acquiescing and taking the role of 'less than' out of fear of losing some kind of status with another person, or additionally because they are afraid of standing up to someone whom they believe to be some kind of 'authority' figure who has 'more knowledge' than they do.  To me it is quite clear, and frankly sickening.   The world would be a far better place if we could all stop this one point.  Not denying my own issues, I have been systematically raised and trained in the art of childish, foolish and mentally-limited behaviors.  For the short term I am working on rebuilding my alignments within self trust, not being harsh or condemning myself inadvertently.  This is just where I am at.       

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disengaged with people and relationships in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid speaking up out of uncertainty 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in reaction to the belief that there is some unknown part of myself that activates when I engage and hence creates mysterious problems for which I am unable to manage and/or control.  I realize that fears such as these do not exempt me from working on myself towards learning to become self responsible 

Day 424 - Faulty Ideas

 Sunday September 13, 2020

Played computer games all day.  Major breakthrough in the pet goat decode which I have been following.  Seems to be suggesting something big is imminent.  As for myself, I have been hiding my emotional distress in the knowledge that it is causing anger and frustration in others.  How can I get over this passive aggressive frame of mind?  Confidence is low and compounded by uncertainty.  Have to find a way to break through in a way that I can regain some form of dignity.  I had an idea of how things would go and it failed, exposing the idea as a farce.  I realize I should not take things personally, because it is not me that is the failure, but my ideas which are a manifestation of me trying to solve my problems and the problems of the world.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my emotional distress in the knowledge that it causes distress in others.  I realize that I must take steps to regain confidence and so create a workable solution in order to stop perpetuating the problem. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to berate and sabotage myself because of the ideas I created as solutions which did not go as planned.  I realize the necessary step to be taken, which is to toss the idea and create something new that is suitable to the problem.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and so go into extended periods of suppression.  I realize that this is not the solution and it only aggravates the situation for everyone.  

Day 423 - Evasion

 Saturday September 12, 2020

Pickleball analogy - lazy missed shots - sourced through personality system of evasion as not giving my best. 

Realized a point where someone had mentioned laziness as a character flaw, and I had somewhat enthusiastically reacted/resisted stating that laziness was not a specific starting point thus inaccurate.  What I had missed and eventually discovered in myself was that the actual starting point was not laziness, but patterns of evasion as I would often not give my best effort within various thought processes such as 'its not worth it', or 'it will be useless', or 'there's no point to doing this', 'not sure if this is the right thing to do' etc etc.  This also relates to patterns of trust where I had been placing trust in others as opposed to trusting myself, and as such I had been misleading myself through allowing myself to be mislead by others.  Consequently I would then go into patterns of blame, evasion, frustration etc. thus diffusing my best potential through not seeing clearly what were my responsibilities in various circumstances, and how they could be approached that would create workable solutions.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excuses such as 'its not worth it', or 'it will be useless', or 'there's no point to doing this', 'not sure if this is the right thing to do' in order to justify to myself why I do not have to take responsibility to resolve conflicts and create responsible solutions for myself and others

   

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into patterns of blame because I have accepted and allowed myself to follow others in what was being professed and/or dictated as authentic and/or just.  I realize my responsibility in researching and testing potentials for myself so that I can determine what is the best solution in common sense.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert and diffuse myself into patterns of evasion in the belief that if I just avoid a problem someone else can deal with it who knows better than I, and so I will be able to evade my responsibility towards creating the best solution for that problem.  I realize that through understanding the starting point and the goal of creating what is best for all, it is not necessary to avoid, evade, or fear problems, but to enjoy the process of creating inventive, specific, and rational solutions that work best for all.  

Day 422 - Challenging

 Friday September 10, 2020

A good point was brought up by person x that I am not challenging people, and indeed in many ways it is so.  I see that in pickleball for example and other contexts, I have digressed from confronting the misalignments and reactions of others preferring to take a more passive approach within the idea that 'they will never understand anyway'.  So perhaps I am prejudging some situations and so creating some doubt as opposed to creating opportunities.  I enjoy a challenge, as do most others I expect barring exceptions of course.  I will attempt to make a point of being more direct with myself and others.  My expectations are that some will react in denial, some will become agitated, and some will outright get upset.  At least it will be a potential impetus to some form of realization.  Not surprisingly, there is an ever growing number of people who believe they are entitled to their own idea of freedom.  Ironically all are completely oblivious to the case of self interest, and as such that would obviously create a conflict of interest.  A challenge to their ideas and beliefs around freedom and what that exactly entails is perhaps a suitable place to start.  We shall see how it goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judgmental of others, presuming that they do not have the capacity to understand or realize points when challenged directly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be doubtful of others within presuming that they will react in denial, ignorance, or anger.  I realize that it necessary to challenge others when I see a point that can be clarified and potentially corrected through conversation.  

Day 421 - Counterintelligence

 Thursday September 9, 2020

Who I am as Gollum

Calling my own dog shit

Changing from not doing my best

Things seem very ominous from this vantage point.  Hiding in my comfortable cave while the python slowly constricts and suffocates the world.  Some would call me sadistic for this point of view, however I see a silver lining of this impending consequence is that the world will have ridden itself of many delusional, abusive, wasteful, deceitful beings who deliberately refuse to uphold common sense nor a common principle that supports life.  Strange how certain things seem to be too simple to understand.   It' as if things have to be complex in order to be somehow respected as 'intelligent'.  Shameful and shallow is humanity.  Interestingly if we actually considered more that just ourselves, we would realize that intelligence is nothing more than the creation of it's polar opposite as counterintelligence, and thus the bane of existence and the nemesis of a living common sense principle.    

Funny how I am able to say these things, yet upon reading the words back I must acknowledge my own 'less than my best' behaviors.  I am not perfected by any means.  I have been in limbo for a few years and very little has changed.  I have made attempts yet have been discouraged with myself.  I see this in relation to my growing up in education systems I saw many many flaws with, thus rebelled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than my best, less than my highest potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what potentials exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be small and narrow minded in my ability to see the greater picture at work, and how I could contribute to changing it for the best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet, and so be a drag for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from pushing myself to mature, grow, and expand in ways that would have a positive impact on the world as within the point of supporting life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself to an extent that I do not trust myself  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that rebellion is a solution when in fact it just exacerbates problems. 

Day 420 - More Explanation

 Monday September 7, 2020

More with regards to my Venus - Moon opposition, I sense a distinct anxiety when dealing with some women for example if they are financially stable or successful or haughty in some way, I notice this tendency to blatantly put them off or ignore them completely.  I see it as a reflection of my past desertions towards my responsibilities with regards to direction, self assertion, and issues related to financial standing and stability.  I was in full awareness of what I did and it was deliberate for a reason.  Not only do I sense the anxiety on my part, but I also sense that some women have a strong 'distasteful' disposition towards me.  I understand I can come off a bit egotistical at times, however there is a lot more to the story than just what appears on the surface.    

This lunar opposition creates significant conflict not only due to the Double T-square of Jupiter/Neptune, (Jupiter being the chart ruler) but being born at night, this apparently makes the Moon a more significant influence in a chart.  This compounded by the fact that (in the sidereal) My moon is in Leo which can carry aspects of sensitivity and pride.  Being in the 8th house, this aspect can also highlight issues related to humiliation, which is probably why I can go into periods of evasion in an effort to avoid any kind of drama related issues such as those experienced in the past.  I realize that I should not allow such temperaments to influence who I am.  I must be aware of my own points of evasion when there are personal responsibility issues which must be addressed.  

Dream

I was repairing and driving used 5-tonne trucks around inside a large building with a relative.   We arrived at a gas station with some friends and oddly there was an open toilet right in the middle of the store amidst all of the snacks and candy.  I guess I had to go, so for some unknown reason I thought it would be a good idea to use the toilet, not considering how inconsiderate and awkward that would be for myself and everyone else walking around in the store.   

Introspecting into this dream I see that at first I was judging myself thinking myself to be naive, inconsiderate, and with limited awareness in my actions when I have had similar experiences in the past.  I realize that this lack of awareness can be attributed to a careless, self centered environment and/or upbringing where we have to learn the morals of society on our own through trial and error, for ex. how to conduct ourselves in a way that is considerate of others, as opposed to just doing things for our own sake because they are easy, or because they are efficient/convenient for us.  This is a process of expanding our awareness for which the silver lining is that we have an opportunity to learn and change/correct ourselves.  

Day 419 - Further Explanation

 Saturday September 5, 2020

To expand on my issues, In an attempt to survive and gain acceptance from myself and others, (throughout much of my life) I have in part created myself within a mental hero construct, living out fantasies of being a hero in some way or other, thinking myself better than others without realizing the complete picture of who I really was as a physical being.  I believed myself better mostly because I could clearly see how foolish and devious everyone seemed to be acting, and in many ways that was accurate, not that I am better, but there are many foolish and deceived people in this world.  When I began seeing my own deceptions and foolish behavior, it hit me quite hard, and not realizing the point of self forgiveness, at times it lead to extensive self judgment, self suppression, and rage because I knew something just wasn't right within myself.   In hindsight, it is easy to understand why I had so many random and sudden outbursts. 

There were a few real heart crushing moments I can recall where I made a complete, and I mean a COMPLETE fool of myself, only to be left with the realization that I had just been a total selfish and inconsiderate dumb-ass, and there was no conceivable recourse to correct the problem.  This caused me to become extremely angry with myself and others.  I had turned harshly against my parents, despising them for how things played out, so I was basically alone with all of this inner turmoil and no grounds for really knowing myself or trusting myself for that matter - which ultimately led me to religion, as it seemed to be the only answer I could come up with.  Little did I know that while it would make me feel better for a while, it would fail to accurately address the real issues I had hidden deep within myself, and that was a real problem.   As those experiences accumulated, I trusted myself less and less, and suppressed myself more and more.   I now realize how self forgiveness can be useful in re-creating and correcting such disastrous memories so that I can let them go and move on with what is left of my life.

Day 418 - An Astrological Explanation

Wednesday September 2, 2020

I was pushing myself in an effort to do something which I thought was good, in a sense I was forcing myself, and in seeing problems starting to manifest, I blew a fuse, but not just one, it was a series of fuses as a massive avalanche of problems came crashing in from all sides including past, present, and future projections.  There were problems after problems of compounding issues, including unknown issues which I simply could not assess nor find the starting points, thus determining the necessary corrections for all of the points was simply out of the question.   I needed time, and I came to the conclusion that it was best that I do it on my own - because that way I could be certain that it was me doing it for myself from all that I had learned without distraction.   I do not deny that I did judge myself extensively, and in doing so thought it would be best that I do not influence others in a negative way and cause even more problems.  Looking back, there were clearly some poor decisions.

Part of the problem was not understanding my own design, from an astrological perspective, there is a considerable amount of fire in my chart, which can have a tendency to translate into 'fiery outbursts' which if one has not disciplined oneself effectively enough into establishing a temperate and stable state of being, can manifest serious problems.    This has played out on many occasions in my life, often with disastrous results.   Temperance has been a unnecessarily long process.  The 'Fire' point is compounded by my ascendant ruler (Jupiter) being in conjunction with Neptune, which translates into my life's direction having a drive towards something epic combined with the fascination with the mystical, ethereal aspects of Neptune, which would explain my obsession with the fantasy genre.  This is not a bad thing in itself, however when this fascination is funneled into a mental reality and not brought through into a physical manifestation, it manifests as a form of disillusionment, un-fulfillment, depression, self devaluation, and despair.  This issue is further compounded by these two planets being in a T-square with my Moon opposite Venus, dealing with and/or triggering conflicting emotions and issues dealing with self image.  To make matters even more complex, I have another T-square in my chart between Mars, Uranus, and the Sun.  Mars being in the first house dealing with self tied to Uranus opposite the Sun, translating to the point that I can be suddenly and strongly triggered through points relating to my ego.  In essence, my design is a hidden powder keg.  Not to say that others do not have their own significant design challenges as we all do, this is just and explanation for reference sake. 

One of the most difficult points I have had to face in my life, is the point of resentment towards myself (and others) because I did not understand myself, or get to know myself, or my potential.  I followed a pattern of evasion, partially because of the problems listed above, but also because I judged people in the world as evil - as opposed to actively introspecting myself and seeing what I could do to face and solve my problems for myself.  That simply did not occur to me.  Looking back, it was a real trap, because (largely influenced by early religious training) I judged my own expansion as a progression only towards evil and greed, thus what was the point?  My idea of the all knowing, all understanding, all merciful God was the only solution I could conceive of,  thus until I could determine exactly what my responsibility entailed, the best I could do was evade everything which I saw as evil in this world, which was almost everything.  I am not attempting to excuse my problems, but rather lay them out so that I can address and change myself in a way that can benefit all.     

Day 417 - Misalignments

 Tuesday September 1, 2020

Dentist today.  They measured every nook and cranny in my mouth, took a bunch of x-rays, charged me $400 and literally did nothing to address any of the problems I have.  Welcome to the machine. 

I feel so far from potential it seems absurd to even attempt anything.  The best I can do is bluff according to tarot.  I count my 21 day period over as of tomorrow.  Stopping my thoughts is fine for a while, until senseless boredom kicks in, it seems as if there is nothing to do, nothing worth doing, nothing that can be done... utterly disenchanted.  Suppose I were grateful for disenchantment, and I can say that I am glad for the absence of the illusion, however, what is it that must be done?  I don't sense any unique ability, aside from exaggerated and empty enthusiasm.  Likely I feel down from all of the deaf and blind zombified sheep I see.  This sounds toxic,  and I realize I have drastic misalignments, I feel angry with myself, so karma is a bitch.

  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anger towards myself, I realize that the solution to anger is to correct the source of the problem being misalignment's

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others only as deaf and blind zombified sheep, I realize that there are some in existence who have an expanded awareness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand myself in what I am capable of doing and what must be done to correct misalignments