Day 432 - Reactions

 Saturday October 3

Playing my game I got very upset after losing many consecutive games.  Later, I won a bunch of games and I got the sense that others were not upset.  I see that I have the tendency to react in anger when I should be recognizing the resonant factor as a suggestion to do something else with my time.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize the cue to do something more productive with my time that would contribute to my well being and the well being of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I become agitated rather than taking the initiative to refresh myself, awaken and do something different 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger as opposed to seeing that episode as an opportunity for expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the pattern rather than seeing the pattern for what it is and taking direction to change myself

Rant

Questioning existence as to why it is the way it is, that is subject to corruption of all types at the expense of those less fortunate and ultimately all life.  In this context, there is nothing here of any sustainable interest as it is all subject to repeating patterns and entropy.   It is astounding how the average human can be endlessly entertained by drivel.  The only explanation can be that there is an alternate reality playing out in the mind which is in turn the actual entertainer in such interactions.  The mystery of existence itself is often enough to hold a man hypnotically perplexed, not to mention man's desire to heroically 'do good' so as to purchase freedom for others at his/her own expense.  Martyrdom in that sense is not altruistic, but actually a profitable business from the perspective of balancing ones ego conscience and alleviating karmic debt.  Fascinating again how most fall for that fairy tale. 

Day 431 - Blame

 Wednesday September 30

Why do I do what I do.  

Judgment feelings

Blame feelings

Anger emotion, feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor feelings of anger without realizing the hidden projection of blame behind what is disguised as anger.  I realize that within me not being specific with regards to exposing this projection, I am participating in blame and so perpetuating the problem rather than taking responsibility to correct the point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take revenge on myself through the projection of blame disguised as anger, and so use that anger as an excuse why I do not have to do anything because it is someone else's fault that I am angry.

I forgive myself that I have prevent myself from seeing myself with regards to what are my strengths and weaknesses so that I can move forward with confidence in whatever point that I am able to contribute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify irresponsibility through uncertainty.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility within a negative charge/connotation attaching to the definition a series of belief systems based on past events which were not actual responsibility but enslavement.  I realize that responsibility can be enjoyable, rewarding, and can prevent negative consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a fool of myself and so within that not realize that that fear creates suppression which in turn creates missed opportunity for growth and expansion and potentially tragic consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in doubt and the doubting of myself through limited awareness of self

Day 430 - Missed Opportunity

 Thursday September 24, 2020

Pickleball was fun tonight.  I was playing well.   I have found a new card game on the internet that has had my attention for the past few days.  It began as a physical card game about 20-30 years ago, and I have wanted to play the game for a long time but never took the time to learn it.   Its strange, because the game is something I would have enjoyed in the past.  As I was considering why I have never got into it before, I realized there were a few reasons.  

Firstly, because I never knew anyone who played, and there were no group gatherings I knew of in the area.  

Secondly,  I never invested the time and effort to find groups that played.  

Thirdly, I was uncertain about unknown factors such as cost, time, and interestingly there was a slight fear because partly due to my religious programming, I thought that there was something evil about the game.  So because of my judgments and assumptions, I did not investigate and so missed the opportunity to enjoy a really intriguing and cool pastime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments and assumptions about a card game which I judged as evil without investigation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting for the time and effort to investigate for myself ways I could have explored how this game worked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by subtle programmed fears and uncertainty as opposed to seeing and testing things for myself  

   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass up on opportunities that would have allowed for expansion and self development which could have created more growth and more opportunities beyond that

Day 429 - Dream Reflection

 Monday September 21, 2020

Dream

I was with a few women in a very old house.  We discovered a hidden passageway to a very old room which contained an astounding collection of ancient masterpieces.  They were very odd looking, but just by glancing upon them one could tell that they were crafted with extreme care and must have taken a very long time to complete.  One piece was a 6 foot corner shelving type unit with a steel frame that was filled out with extremely detailed beeswax.  The girl I was immediately enamored with the piece and grabbed it as if to take it with her.  In doing so she melted some of the wax with her hands and marred the piece.  There was another strange piece that caught my attention.  It was a closed hand held mirror which was completely covered in a very rough vine-like texture.  It had an actual vine all around it, and the vine came off the top of the mirror as if to form half of an eternity symbol.  I recall how deeply precious this piece felt to me, and the emotion carried out as I woke up remembering the dream. 

In reflection, I see that we as humans sometimes completely miss the beauty and awe of life as represented by the hidden passage.  Sometimes if and when we do find it, we quickly become enamored and get so caught up in the beauty that we can miss the point and try to possess that which cannot be possessed.  I see that we cannot fathom the care and effort that has gone in times before us, but sometimes there is a remnant left for us to discover.  I see that the most dear treasures are not fully understood, they can be felt for a short time, yet the feelings are fleeting, coming and going like the wind.   

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the point in trying to possess beauty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand my own existence, myself, my potential, my expression, my purpose and reason for being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in the belief that I can be something that I am not

I forgive myself that I have not equally given back to life all that has been given to me 

Day 428 - Reading it Wrong

 Thursday September 17, 2020

Dream

I was walking around in a downtown section of what felt like my city of Ottawa.  It was nighttime and there were various people walking around.  There was a single story white brick building and I was walking around it looking for an entrance.  I was looking for a place to stay for the night and while this building did not have any signs describing itself as a hotel, I had a feeling that I had been there before so I was intent on getting inside to at least ask someone.  I did find the door, and when I got in there was an older gentleman that greeted me.  I just had to pose for a picture to get access to a room for the night.  Once my picture was taken, I was led down a hallway and greeted by a tall blond woman.  She then led me further into the building where I received a towel and some supplies for the night.  It looked like an office building on the inside which had cubicles walls halfway to the ceiling.  She showed me to a very small cubicle which there was a sink on one side and a red headed girl sitting in a chair on the other.  The blond lady was showing me the sink and strangely mentioned to me to not touch her leg for more than 3 seconds.  My guess was that she had that happen to her recently and felt uncomfortable about it.  The blond lady left and I turned to the smiling red haired girl.  In a force of habit I greeted her with an awkwardly gentle fist bump.  I realized I vaguely knew her from somewhere as she mentioned she was just finishing up some work and would be leaving shortly thereafter.   

Haven't had so much excitement around pickleball lately, the game is still enjoyable, however I guess I have learned about as much as I can from it.   I see it as necessary exercise for the body, and a point of interacting with the community here.  I suspect I am not challenging myself or others as much as I could be, just going along with the flow and not taking initiative to expand self awareness.  

Reading it wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in my expectations of how others will judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in how I will react if others judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown aspects of myself and in that suppress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate through the hidden fear of the unknown, not realizing that the fear of the unknown is actually a major key to self realization and self expansion beyond the mundane systematic programming.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read it wrong in projecting judgments in how I think others are judging me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my reactions are coming from past experiences of being punished and told that I am a 'bad person' for not realizing and understanding myself. 

Day 427 - Time and Freedom

 Wednesday September 16, 2020

Message that occurred to me last night:  Time is the point that reveals self honesty

Was feeling a bit tired and nauseous today, so did some groceries then slept for a bit.  Grateful that I have the ability to take time to rest when others do not have the luxury.  

Its interesting how we see many protesters these days are shouting 'freedom!', as if that were a point of unity.  Freedom is non specific, and so can incur many forms of self interest justified by the fact that it is proclaimed without context.  Non-contextualized freedom can only exist in a mental state of chaotic insanity, and so it is not truly free, but rather the opposite, as non are free until all is free.  Any revolution consisting of groups that are non-specific, and thus not based in any unified principle are divided and so subject to inevitable disintegration.  The simple common sense solution is to create a world that supports life in the best way possible, that is actually best for all life.  That way, no deception can exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet in abstaining from pushing myself to do my best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my input is less valid than that of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as time so that I may give myself time to create what is necessary to be created for my best and the best for all life here. 

Day 426 - Working for Buddy

 Tuesday September 15, 2020

Worked for an old buddy from h.s. Today.  Had some convo afterwords that was quite eye opening as to how some people I have known for a long time have been existing.  A part of me was surprised, and interestingly another part was delighted to know that some people that I have known have been so 'wild' and rebellious.  That is a selfish feeling that came up and I would not glorify it, as the consequences although unseen, are surely disgraceful for all affected.  It is so strange in contrast to what I have been going through the past 20 years or so, I literally feel like I've been living on a different planet.  This world is insane.  For myself to have been given the opportunity to realize the greater solution is a truly amazing and unfathomable gift and one that I would not trade for anything.  I tried to explain to my buddy, and while he did seem to understand some points I made, I know he could not grasp the whole picture, no matter how simple I made it.  

     

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel delighted to know people who have embellished themselves in existence.  I realize the consequences are not something worthy of glorifying.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be better than others who have lived these types of experiences, I realize that I could easily be in their shoes. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of others who have lived a wild and rebellious lifestyle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as fearful for not living on the edge like others who have been described to me.  I realize that these things are done from the starting point of glorifying a personality in self interest, thus nothing new, just a robotic cycle of self indulgent ignorance of the greater picture. 

Day 425 - Alignments

 Monday September 14, 2020

Disengaged

Brown nosing

Farce - no judgment

Out of alignment

I see so much brown nosing in peoples relationships.  People acquiescing and taking the role of 'less than' out of fear of losing some kind of status with another person, or additionally because they are afraid of standing up to someone whom they believe to be some kind of 'authority' figure who has 'more knowledge' than they do.  To me it is quite clear, and frankly sickening.   The world would be a far better place if we could all stop this one point.  Not denying my own issues, I have been systematically raised and trained in the art of childish, foolish and mentally-limited behaviors.  For the short term I am working on rebuilding my alignments within self trust, not being harsh or condemning myself inadvertently.  This is just where I am at.       

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disengaged with people and relationships in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid speaking up out of uncertainty 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in reaction to the belief that there is some unknown part of myself that activates when I engage and hence creates mysterious problems for which I am unable to manage and/or control.  I realize that fears such as these do not exempt me from working on myself towards learning to become self responsible 

Day 424 - Faulty Ideas

 Sunday September 13, 2020

Played computer games all day.  Major breakthrough in the pet goat decode which I have been following.  Seems to be suggesting something big is imminent.  As for myself, I have been hiding my emotional distress in the knowledge that it is causing anger and frustration in others.  How can I get over this passive aggressive frame of mind?  Confidence is low and compounded by uncertainty.  Have to find a way to break through in a way that I can regain some form of dignity.  I had an idea of how things would go and it failed, exposing the idea as a farce.  I realize I should not take things personally, because it is not me that is the failure, but my ideas which are a manifestation of me trying to solve my problems and the problems of the world.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my emotional distress in the knowledge that it causes distress in others.  I realize that I must take steps to regain confidence and so create a workable solution in order to stop perpetuating the problem. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to berate and sabotage myself because of the ideas I created as solutions which did not go as planned.  I realize the necessary step to be taken, which is to toss the idea and create something new that is suitable to the problem.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and so go into extended periods of suppression.  I realize that this is not the solution and it only aggravates the situation for everyone.  

Day 423 - Evasion

 Saturday September 12, 2020

Pickleball analogy - lazy missed shots - sourced through personality system of evasion as not giving my best. 

Realized a point where someone had mentioned laziness as a character flaw, and I had somewhat enthusiastically reacted/resisted stating that laziness was not a specific starting point thus inaccurate.  What I had missed and eventually discovered in myself was that the actual starting point was not laziness, but patterns of evasion as I would often not give my best effort within various thought processes such as 'its not worth it', or 'it will be useless', or 'there's no point to doing this', 'not sure if this is the right thing to do' etc etc.  This also relates to patterns of trust where I had been placing trust in others as opposed to trusting myself, and as such I had been misleading myself through allowing myself to be mislead by others.  Consequently I would then go into patterns of blame, evasion, frustration etc. thus diffusing my best potential through not seeing clearly what were my responsibilities in various circumstances, and how they could be approached that would create workable solutions.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excuses such as 'its not worth it', or 'it will be useless', or 'there's no point to doing this', 'not sure if this is the right thing to do' in order to justify to myself why I do not have to take responsibility to resolve conflicts and create responsible solutions for myself and others

   

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into patterns of blame because I have accepted and allowed myself to follow others in what was being professed and/or dictated as authentic and/or just.  I realize my responsibility in researching and testing potentials for myself so that I can determine what is the best solution in common sense.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert and diffuse myself into patterns of evasion in the belief that if I just avoid a problem someone else can deal with it who knows better than I, and so I will be able to evade my responsibility towards creating the best solution for that problem.  I realize that through understanding the starting point and the goal of creating what is best for all, it is not necessary to avoid, evade, or fear problems, but to enjoy the process of creating inventive, specific, and rational solutions that work best for all.  

Day 422 - Challenging

 Friday September 10, 2020

A good point was brought up by person x that I am not challenging people, and indeed in many ways it is so.  I see that in pickleball for example and other contexts, I have digressed from confronting the misalignments and reactions of others preferring to take a more passive approach within the idea that 'they will never understand anyway'.  So perhaps I am prejudging some situations and so creating some doubt as opposed to creating opportunities.  I enjoy a challenge, as do most others I expect barring exceptions of course.  I will attempt to make a point of being more direct with myself and others.  My expectations are that some will react in denial, some will become agitated, and some will outright get upset.  At least it will be a potential impetus to some form of realization.  Not surprisingly, there is an ever growing number of people who believe they are entitled to their own idea of freedom.  Ironically all are completely oblivious to the case of self interest, and as such that would obviously create a conflict of interest.  A challenge to their ideas and beliefs around freedom and what that exactly entails is perhaps a suitable place to start.  We shall see how it goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judgmental of others, presuming that they do not have the capacity to understand or realize points when challenged directly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be doubtful of others within presuming that they will react in denial, ignorance, or anger.  I realize that it necessary to challenge others when I see a point that can be clarified and potentially corrected through conversation.  

Day 421 - Counterintelligence

 Thursday September 9, 2020

Who I am as Gollum

Calling my own dog shit

Changing from not doing my best

Things seem very ominous from this vantage point.  Hiding in my comfortable cave while the python slowly constricts and suffocates the world.  Some would call me sadistic for this point of view, however I see a silver lining of this impending consequence is that the world will have ridden itself of many delusional, abusive, wasteful, deceitful beings who deliberately refuse to uphold common sense nor a common principle that supports life.  Strange how certain things seem to be too simple to understand.   It' as if things have to be complex in order to be somehow respected as 'intelligent'.  Shameful and shallow is humanity.  Interestingly if we actually considered more that just ourselves, we would realize that intelligence is nothing more than the creation of it's polar opposite as counterintelligence, and thus the bane of existence and the nemesis of a living common sense principle.    

Funny how I am able to say these things, yet upon reading the words back I must acknowledge my own 'less than my best' behaviors.  I am not perfected by any means.  I have been in limbo for a few years and very little has changed.  I have made attempts yet have been discouraged with myself.  I see this in relation to my growing up in education systems I saw many many flaws with, thus rebelled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than my best, less than my highest potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what potentials exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be small and narrow minded in my ability to see the greater picture at work, and how I could contribute to changing it for the best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet, and so be a drag for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from pushing myself to mature, grow, and expand in ways that would have a positive impact on the world as within the point of supporting life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself to an extent that I do not trust myself  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that rebellion is a solution when in fact it just exacerbates problems. 

Day 420 - More Explanation

 Monday September 7, 2020

More with regards to my Venus - Moon opposition, I sense a distinct anxiety when dealing with some women for example if they are financially stable or successful or haughty in some way, I notice this tendency to blatantly put them off or ignore them completely.  I see it as a reflection of my past desertions towards my responsibilities with regards to direction, self assertion, and issues related to financial standing and stability.  I was in full awareness of what I did and it was deliberate for a reason.  Not only do I sense the anxiety on my part, but I also sense that some women have a strong 'distasteful' disposition towards me.  I understand I can come off a bit egotistical at times, however there is a lot more to the story than just what appears on the surface.    

This lunar opposition creates significant conflict not only due to the Double T-square of Jupiter/Neptune, (Jupiter being the chart ruler) but being born at night, this apparently makes the Moon a more significant influence in a chart.  This compounded by the fact that (in the sidereal) My moon is in Leo which can carry aspects of sensitivity and pride.  Being in the 8th house, this aspect can also highlight issues related to humiliation, which is probably why I can go into periods of evasion in an effort to avoid any kind of drama related issues such as those experienced in the past.  I realize that I should not allow such temperaments to influence who I am.  I must be aware of my own points of evasion when there are personal responsibility issues which must be addressed.  

Dream

I was repairing and driving used 5-tonne trucks around inside a large building with a relative.   We arrived at a gas station with some friends and oddly there was an open toilet right in the middle of the store amidst all of the snacks and candy.  I guess I had to go, so for some unknown reason I thought it would be a good idea to use the toilet, not considering how inconsiderate and awkward that would be for myself and everyone else walking around in the store.   

Introspecting into this dream I see that at first I was judging myself thinking myself to be naive, inconsiderate, and with limited awareness in my actions when I have had similar experiences in the past.  I realize that this lack of awareness can be attributed to a careless, self centered environment and/or upbringing where we have to learn the morals of society on our own through trial and error, for ex. how to conduct ourselves in a way that is considerate of others, as opposed to just doing things for our own sake because they are easy, or because they are efficient/convenient for us.  This is a process of expanding our awareness for which the silver lining is that we have an opportunity to learn and change/correct ourselves.  

Day 419 - Further Explanation

 Saturday September 5, 2020

To expand on my issues, In an attempt to survive and gain acceptance from myself and others, (throughout much of my life) I have in part created myself within a mental hero construct, living out fantasies of being a hero in some way or other, thinking myself better than others without realizing the complete picture of who I really was as a physical being.  I believed myself better mostly because I could clearly see how foolish and devious everyone seemed to be acting, and in many ways that was accurate, not that I am better, but there are many foolish and deceived people in this world.  When I began seeing my own deceptions and foolish behavior, it hit me quite hard, and not realizing the point of self forgiveness, at times it lead to extensive self judgment, self suppression, and rage because I knew something just wasn't right within myself.   In hindsight, it is easy to understand why I had so many random and sudden outbursts. 

There were a few real heart crushing moments I can recall where I made a complete, and I mean a COMPLETE fool of myself, only to be left with the realization that I had just been a total selfish and inconsiderate dumb-ass, and there was no conceivable recourse to correct the problem.  This caused me to become extremely angry with myself and others.  I had turned harshly against my parents, despising them for how things played out, so I was basically alone with all of this inner turmoil and no grounds for really knowing myself or trusting myself for that matter - which ultimately led me to religion, as it seemed to be the only answer I could come up with.  Little did I know that while it would make me feel better for a while, it would fail to accurately address the real issues I had hidden deep within myself, and that was a real problem.   As those experiences accumulated, I trusted myself less and less, and suppressed myself more and more.   I now realize how self forgiveness can be useful in re-creating and correcting such disastrous memories so that I can let them go and move on with what is left of my life.

Day 418 - An Astrological Explanation

Wednesday September 2, 2020

I was pushing myself in an effort to do something which I thought was good, in a sense I was forcing myself, and in seeing problems starting to manifest, I blew a fuse, but not just one, it was a series of fuses as a massive avalanche of problems came crashing in from all sides including past, present, and future projections.  There were problems after problems of compounding issues, including unknown issues which I simply could not assess nor find the starting points, thus determining the necessary corrections for all of the points was simply out of the question.   I needed time, and I came to the conclusion that it was best that I do it on my own - because that way I could be certain that it was me doing it for myself from all that I had learned without distraction.   I do not deny that I did judge myself extensively, and in doing so thought it would be best that I do not influence others in a negative way and cause even more problems.  Looking back, there were clearly some poor decisions.

Part of the problem was not understanding my own design, from an astrological perspective, there is a considerable amount of fire in my chart, which can have a tendency to translate into 'fiery outbursts' which if one has not disciplined oneself effectively enough into establishing a temperate and stable state of being, can manifest serious problems.    This has played out on many occasions in my life, often with disastrous results.   Temperance has been a unnecessarily long process.  The 'Fire' point is compounded by my ascendant ruler (Jupiter) being in conjunction with Neptune, which translates into my life's direction having a drive towards something epic combined with the fascination with the mystical, ethereal aspects of Neptune, which would explain my obsession with the fantasy genre.  This is not a bad thing in itself, however when this fascination is funneled into a mental reality and not brought through into a physical manifestation, it manifests as a form of disillusionment, un-fulfillment, depression, self devaluation, and despair.  This issue is further compounded by these two planets being in a T-square with my Moon opposite Venus, dealing with and/or triggering conflicting emotions and issues dealing with self image.  To make matters even more complex, I have another T-square in my chart between Mars, Uranus, and the Sun.  Mars being in the first house dealing with self tied to Uranus opposite the Sun, translating to the point that I can be suddenly and strongly triggered through points relating to my ego.  In essence, my design is a hidden powder keg.  Not to say that others do not have their own significant design challenges as we all do, this is just and explanation for reference sake. 

One of the most difficult points I have had to face in my life, is the point of resentment towards myself (and others) because I did not understand myself, or get to know myself, or my potential.  I followed a pattern of evasion, partially because of the problems listed above, but also because I judged people in the world as evil - as opposed to actively introspecting myself and seeing what I could do to face and solve my problems for myself.  That simply did not occur to me.  Looking back, it was a real trap, because (largely influenced by early religious training) I judged my own expansion as a progression only towards evil and greed, thus what was the point?  My idea of the all knowing, all understanding, all merciful God was the only solution I could conceive of,  thus until I could determine exactly what my responsibility entailed, the best I could do was evade everything which I saw as evil in this world, which was almost everything.  I am not attempting to excuse my problems, but rather lay them out so that I can address and change myself in a way that can benefit all.     

Day 417 - Misalignments

 Tuesday September 1, 2020

Dentist today.  They measured every nook and cranny in my mouth, took a bunch of x-rays, charged me $400 and literally did nothing to address any of the problems I have.  Welcome to the machine. 

I feel so far from potential it seems absurd to even attempt anything.  The best I can do is bluff according to tarot.  I count my 21 day period over as of tomorrow.  Stopping my thoughts is fine for a while, until senseless boredom kicks in, it seems as if there is nothing to do, nothing worth doing, nothing that can be done... utterly disenchanted.  Suppose I were grateful for disenchantment, and I can say that I am glad for the absence of the illusion, however, what is it that must be done?  I don't sense any unique ability, aside from exaggerated and empty enthusiasm.  Likely I feel down from all of the deaf and blind zombified sheep I see.  This sounds toxic,  and I realize I have drastic misalignments, I feel angry with myself, so karma is a bitch.

  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anger towards myself, I realize that the solution to anger is to correct the source of the problem being misalignment's

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others only as deaf and blind zombified sheep, I realize that there are some in existence who have an expanded awareness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand myself in what I am capable of doing and what must be done to correct misalignments

Day 416 - Gratitude

 Monday August 31, 2020

Contemplating some of the things in life I am currently grateful for;

Pickleball

Self restraint

Self direction

Starcraft

Health

Support

Realization

Forgiveness

Dentists

Groceries

House

Rabbit

Alone time

Communication

Awareness

Vehicle

Strength

Silk Road Documentary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all of the people, places, and things that have come together to create my life and all that I have come  to experience.  I consider it a precious and profound gift beyond my minds ability to conceive, of just how much ancestral evolution and suffering of this planet of plants, insects, fish, animals, and mankind which has brought us to the arrival of this critical point in our collective history.  And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing all of this to go on in chaos when the solution to life has at last been discovered, and so is here for us all.  To live by one principle in common sense, as what is best for all life.    

Day 415 - Speaking

 Sunday August 30, 2020

Received a sweet proposition, and declined of course.  Seeing the end of that road as dreadful.  Cooked potato salad and Kraft dinner today.   Went for a short bike ride, sat at the beach alone for half an hour.   Did the dishes, cleaned the rabbit cage and let her outside for a bit.  David Ike speech was interesting.  Big changes ahead for everyone, anxiety is understandable.   Watched some Starcraft matches and played some games.    Played a game of clue last night with some neighbors.  My mouth ran off a little as I was attempting to explain some occult plots to them.  I see there is potentially some doubt within myself as I try to get people to understand rather than just speaking myself.  Its as if I dont believe my own words so I have to get them to believe so that I can validate my personality as being more intelligent, more wise, and deeper in understanding which understandably can be seen as a condescending. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself through speaking and trying to force others to believe me in order to validate my personality complex within the desire to be better than through knowledge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spew off words without actually standing as the words that I am speaking from the starting point of being here equal and one with myself as all.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be driven by the desire to convey knowledge to others through speaking in an effort to bolster my personalities as wise, intelligent, and profoundly well educated.  I realize the solution to this problem is to speak slowly and more carefully within the consideration that others will not understand regardless, and my own walking and speaking should be first priority so that I can be direct with myself and through that it will come naturally to others.  

Day 414 - Dreams and Anger

Saturday August 29, 2020

Dream 1

I was ordering food at a foreign pizza place.  The people were of eastern origin, like Indonesian or Indian.  I was asking how much the pizza was, and the guy selling responded by showing me a box of change.  I took some out and gave him a toonie, but it did not seem right.   There were a bunch of people around and no one was social distancing which was fine by me.  The man then came out with a large pepperoni pizza for everyone to have a slice.  There were  some young people there as well who did not really care or understand about the whole covid situation. 

I see the point of the value of money has been ingrained for a long time as being based on a systematic valuation which is now changing as is how we value goods, people, and service.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the fear of lack complex through attributing a false systematized financial value to that which is presented here as myself.  I realize that I must do my part in contributing to the value of life itself through my participation and contribution.   

Dream 2

I was working for a large global corporation driving with a fleet of trucks.  Our group got in an argument with some men over something, and the men acting in anger took a large forklift type machine and skewered our trucks.  I was thinking how they would have to pay for the damages through the legal system.  I then arrived at a movie theater.  On screen there was 2 men fighting, and one violently hit the other in the nose which made an notable sound.  Then the other man was on the floor and was being severely beaten so bad that his tongue began coming out of his mouth and I sensed that he was dying.  It was kind of gruesome.        

I see how blame plays out in different ways which can lead to acts of revenge and violence.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that revenge and violence is the solution.  I realize that there are different ways of addressing situations, and that firstly I must see the starting point of what is causing issues so that I may accurately assess what is the best course of action, rather than rashly lashing out in anger which could potentially be a false association which is likely to miss the point all together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can take revenge through a legal system imposed by a system of enslavement.  I realize that I must take responsibility for myself in dealing with issues that I myself have created.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of my resonance (while playing a computer game) where I get upset at some action that has taken place and immediately go into blame and anger.  I realize that despite the fact that it is just a game, it is still consequential and thus all of my reactions are relevant to what I have accepted and allowed, therefore I must take responsibility for myself in these moments to realize what I have done to create the issue, and how I can improve myself in my response to incidents that would normally provoke me to points of anger and frustration. 

Day 413 - Victimization

 Friday August 28, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a victim as a framework for beliefs that sabotage me walking my process of self discovery and self honesty 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for reasons of self judgment based on past events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive my past so that I can move from the present moment to create solutions to what is necessary to be created here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize others through my own inner victimization, in so that I have believed myself to be of no value, no worth because I have judged and condemned myself as a failure thus giving opportunity for me giving up on myself and allowing my mind to take directive principle in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to giving up as the use of a set of beliefs that I am unable to change myself and move forward with my process of self discovery  

Day 412 - Dream

 Thursday August 27, 2020

Dream

I was picked up by some men in a military vehicle.  We got into the back, there were about 5 or 6 of us.  They all had standard issue clothes with white shirts.  I was feeling slightly uncomfortable about the situation but said nothing.  We drove to a checkpoint, and when we passed it, there was a big sigh of relief from the soldiers, and one mentioned that it had been 18 months since he was able to leave the area we came from.  It was a strange contrast, him being relieved and myself feeling anxious.  One of the men began grabbing handfulls of snakes and moving them into a compartment in the truck, this was food for later apparently.  He tossed one of the snakes/large worms into my lap and I grabbed it having no reaction, 'cool' he said as he realized that I had no reaction and no fear.  We arrived at a large barracks which housed hundreds of military personnel all wearing standard attire.  As we walked through the open area there were men of all races and types set in small groups of 5-10 conversing among themselves.       

Felt tired today so had a few naps throughout the day.  Played pickleball this evening and had fun.   Surely there is more I can do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger to people who use their 'systemic authority' to arrogantly power trip over others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide relationships within my mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a life for myself that would have brought myself enjoyment and fulfillment.  I realize that this point needs to be investigated thoroughly so that I can determine how, when, and why I went wrong and what if anything can be done about the problem even though it is likely too late to change much, perhaps there is something I can do. 

Day 411 - Creating Self Trust

 Wednesday August 26, 2020

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become mesmerized by the manifestation and complexity of infinite designs within nature and consciousness.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evade responsibility in the context of uncertainty/lack of self trust within the point of communicating myself and sharing my process from the starting point of re-integration

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will inadvertently judge someone or say/post something offensive as an outflow of ego consciousness as opposed to me simply sharing myself and my experience within process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will lose track of myself and so become sidetracked or distracted and so cause others to go into judgment, fears, angers etc because of my fuck ups.  I realize that I must walk the point of self trust within myself as a practical application to the extent that I can see it through to physical movement breath by breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my own starting point of being here, unmoved by anything but the principle as what is best for all life

Day 410 - Dream Interpretation

 Tuesday August 25, 2020

Dream 1.   Gathering, acceptance

Dream 2.   I purposely entered - flew into - a massive, diamond shaped wind tunnel which led into the twin towers of the world trade center.  Fascinating.  Many well dressed elite people around.  I got onto a series of elevators which led to the top and deep into the heart of the building complex.  I saw how my intention was bent on smearing the backside of some of the 'elites' (with a yellow mustard type of substance) as a solution to correcting the world at large.   Perhaps it is a metaphor for political smearing, yet before actually going through with the plan, I refrained as I saw that the action would not have the effect which I had originally thought it would, and it would only complicate matters in fact.   Interpretation - I see the building as an element of me gaining access to a much larger dimension of myself, a political world-scene type of theater, which the accessing of which felt very much like child's play for me, as the audacious and forthright aspects of myself engaged the challenge at hand.   I realize how my initial entry onto the scene was somewhat oblivious to the complexity and extensive interconnected nature of the inner structure and workings of the building, perhaps expressed as a slight naivety, which has been a prevalent factor within aspects of my  personality designs in the past.   Naive enthusiasm leading to a change of plans, and interesting experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to solo existence as within the heroic construct believing that I can within vanity accomplish singly, that which must be accomplished by many.  I realize that my solo efforts are in fact vanity and ultimately of very little effect in relation to what can be done as part of a group.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be naive in my approach in selfishly attempting to take on massive tasks which require many to accomplish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that smearing others would have an effect of changing the world at large, when in fact it does very little and can actually do more harm than good due to inconsideration and acting out of fear, survival, and self interest. 

Day 409 - Physical Alignments

 Monday August 24, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into personalities when responding to people instead of slowing down my responses to speak words which are appropriate, specific, and address what is necessary to be addressed 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect sounding myself in taking directive principle for myself and exploring expanding my self expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect standing equal and one with my physical body in taking directive principle to birth myself as life in the physical through breathing and self forgiveness and corrective application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself points that are necessary to be addressed/seen/realized and understood regarding how I can move forward in my process of self honesty with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing more I can do to expand and grow myself within my process of self realization and self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant of how I can use my sound, beingness, and physical body to realize and understand myself more in order to advance myself in standing equal to the physical and developing self honesty with myself so that life may be born in the physical

Day 408 - Self Deception

 Sunday August 23, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my capacity to see dimensions of myself which would enable me to expand and grow in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect responsibility, not taking time to understand and realize what exactly is my responsibility and what that entails, what is the definition/meaning, and what is required for me to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in my relationship to what I have created as myself here in this reality, as when I observe myself in all dimensions possible, I see that I have been completely irresponsible, in a sense committing evil in trying to escape myself and my world in believing that to be the solution to myself in self interest and self pity.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the reality of the physical existence acting within and as an outflow of reactionary intelligence based in fear and self interest.  I realize I must change myself into the principle of life in every breath not directed or controlled by energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be something that I am not and so become a 'try hard' in attempting to get others to believe that I am something that I am not in order to gain acceptance from others thus validating my self definition through my conscious mind.  I realize that validation such as this is self deception and thus unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn myself in judging and defining myself as 'corrupt' or evil so that I could take revenge on myself for the feeling of humiliation through a mental projection of myself seeing myself as dis-empowered, less than and thus pitiful and unable to change myself, which is self deception.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the evil in this life in the realization that there is really nothing good here.  I embrace that fact and from this starting point I am able to move myself to the starting point of here and self creation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating myself as life here in each moment through living the principle of what is best for all of existence.  I realize that there is nothing to fear and that fear only continues to re-emerge until I face the fear and create myself as life here. 

Day 407 - Desires

 Saturday August 22, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of sexual desires based on the desire for energy, superiority, self validation, power, and control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate in thoughts of lust and desires that there will  be nothing for me to do and I will become a zombie and/or become bored to death.  I realize that I must apply myself in writing and self forgiveness and self honesty until such a point as I can trust myself to further expand my awareness and so become more effective in creating change in myself and my world and reality  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative reaction within myself when seeing two girls at the beach that I thought would be fun to hang out with yet declined out of instability, and uncertainty of outcome 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to digress from realizing how I can be most effective and what is critically necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with and towards sex as seeing it as a solution and/or means to rid myself of my desires for an energetic experience as well as my desire to please another - which opens the following point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strongly desire to please and/or give a feeling of satisfaction to another in such a way that I would validate my own self worth through the act of giving my physical energy to another so that they could experience a 'high' and 'blissful' energetic experience - as if I were to throw a person into the air so that they may feel weightless for a moment - so giving me the feeling that I am the one with the power to grant others blissful experiences, thus solidifying myself as the superior in the relationship because I was so 'heroic' as to humbly sacrifice myself in order that another might have energetic bliss.  I realize that this is a subtly subversive superiority complex designed to maintain a hierarchical structure of the mind thus perpetuating the problem in cycles of enslavement to energetically based constructs, and therefore not the solution to and for myself or others.  Within that there is a compounded conflicting element of a projected idea of simplistic joyful physical participation which could potentially exist were I to direct myself into that potentiality, which would require substantial self trust - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of self trust to the extent that I can walk out/live out my honest self expression within principle, thus seeing all ends and remaining stable within myself.  

Day 406 - Financial Relationships

 Friday August 21, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe scenarios in my life experience are potentially too good to be true, and so I decline and digress from directing myself in my highest potential out of suspicion within the context of being too good to be true.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by relationship to money within the idea that I am too humble and considerate (not wasteful) and thus unworthy of handling money.  I realize that money is an extension of myself as what I have accepted and allowed within this world system as myself therefore I must not allow myself to be controlled by false associations with regards to money and financial responsibility. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money and my relationship to money in the fear that money would corrupt me and cause me to go into greed consciousness and so ruin my life.  I realize that the starting point of myself is to create myself within and as the principle of best for all life, therefore money is simply a means of enabling my growth, expansion, and expression of myself within that objective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to money, giving myself value according to the (lack of) amount of money I have within my personal bank system and balance statement.  I realize that this value is volatile, unstable, and a completely inaccurate valuation of who I am as an equal being within existence.  I also realize that valuing/devaluing myself according to my financial statement is detrimental to my growth and expansion and thus detrimental to my process and consequentially others process's as a whole. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get more value from items through trying desperately to get items at sale or discounted prices.  I realize that this at times causes me to make poor buying decisions based on fear and trying to save money rather than choosing what is the best solution suited to the circumstance or necessity  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by powerlessness as a result of suppression and inner rage based on my past failures and resulting lack of participation.  I realize that the best I can do is to build myself up in confidence and walking self trust so that I may establish myself again as a living example of self responsibility towards myself and the world at large.