Day 314

Thurs Dec 8

Am I able to release myself from my self judgments?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by feelings of guilt for past miscalculations and inconsideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself and condemn myself for past miscalculations and inconsideration, and lack of knowledge and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect life in what I have done to myself and others in the past through miscalculations, inconsideration, and lack of knowledge and lack of understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm myself and others through deliberate spite, in seeking to serve my own self interest in spite of everyone else and in spite of the principle of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek my own self interest with regards to addictions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to serve my own self interest in seeking to find acceptance, love, and comfort for myself without considering what the consequences would be to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself through inconsideration and deliberate spite because I was afraid to take a stand for myself, by myself, for the benefit of life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a robotic program to be used by the mind consciousness system to empower certain individuals in this world and the here after.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to realize what I have been doing and continue to do through abdication and not moving myself to correction as often as possible.

Day 313

Wed Dec 7

Good feeling this morning. Is it just a polarity, or is it a result of a realization. Is it celebration before change, or have I actually changed. I see where I can improve and do better within the context of support for myself and others. I must have an outlet where I can share, in supporting others and the process as a whole. I will not allow myself to fall into the same traps as I have before, where I left myself open, in the sense that I allowed myself to be insulted, and this was permitted because I did not trust myself in my standing. Also, I was not in alignment in standing with the group as an equal. I was trying to help people, but then when I had a moment of tiredness, I expressed without temperance, as if I were attempting to push buttons to test the limits, and ended up in a face plant.

Remember when blogging or expressing is NO PERSONALITY.

DIY Salvation

I wish that everything that I do would be for the creation of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pinned down by guilt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot move myself and change myself in spite of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than, and unworthy of change, and unworthy of self trust. I realize that I must build myself up within the point of establishing self trust and change, and that that is not sinful, or evil, as I am giving myself the opportunity to change, and as long as I am breathing, I can change myself in order to support Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing positive or supportive to share, I realize that these ideas are created in my mind as means of suppression so that I do not change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about going through (and getting stuck) in the process of change. I realize that there is an underlying believe that others are judging me - as a failure and a fool for not following through with what I started. This belief is unreliable as I do not know that that is what people are thinking of me for certain. Besides that, what people think of me is irrelevant to, and should not have impact on how I conduct myself within my process. It is my process, and my responsibility. I must not use others as an excuse to remain stuck within guilt, regret, condemnation, and judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get down on myself to a point of feeling angry at others in despair. I realize that things are unstable, and that I am responsible for creating these circumstances for myself. As a play out of this, it is going to cause me anxiety as well as trigger all kinds of system reactions. Within that - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my circumstances through making poor decisions based on fear of loss, fear of shame, fear of humiliation. I realize that these reactions do not support life, but rather create more problems for myself. I realize that these points are showing me that I have not yet stopped the fears within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear LOSS of possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of sanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of companionship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of mobility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of ability to move myself, as the fear of doing things that would qualify me and validate me as being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled and condemned as bad, evil, sinful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being despised by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear in that I fear that I will not be able to transcend fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not or will not have enough knowledge to transcend everything I must transcend in order to be life in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to stand in and as the physical in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to push myself and motivate myself to the realization of my ultimate desire of creating myself as equal to life within the physical.

I realize that this desire is very clouded from being at the forefront of my being, it is not clearly understood because I have to think about it for a moment in order to understand that this is my path, as the path I wish to take, only I must push my physical body towards this goal because my physical body is filled with programs that are still directing me to live in self interest.

There seems to be a point of embarrassment, lack of trust, or unworthiness within me where I believe that I am unworthy because I have messed things up in the past. I see it as a fear that I will again in the future mess things up, and let others down through my lack of perspective, or inconsideration. Having the Aries zodiac design, I see that I can be headstrong in attempting to crash through objectives in order to 'get it done' as quickly and efficiently as possible. I realize that this is not always the best option, and I can transcend this point through thinking things through. At the same time, I can still use forthrightness, only in a tempered way as to not overstep my responsibility and trample on others inadvertently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so headstrong as a ram in attempting to crash through all barriers. I realize that at times it is acceptable, while at other times, it is best to think things through with patience and temperance.  

Day 312

Tues Dec 6

I assisted and participated in the creation of the evil that is here through my acceptances and allowances, therefore I must un-create that aspect of myself which allowed this through unawareness, and so become aware of every breath.

Paying dearly for decisions that were made in trying to save money.

Feeling inwardly angry at the world for my circumstance. Having difficulty facing the points of not being able to support myself effectively. I must have disrespected life, thus now suffer the consequences. No escaping that, no matter how hard I try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect life and the principle of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself into a state of unawareness, where I believed that I could escape myself and no one would care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure and a shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and harm myself to the extent that I lost all integrity and trust in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will amount to nothing but shame and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in the effort to save money, rather than doing what is best.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how to correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in allowing myself to believe the fantasy in my mind would some day be real, putting myself into a state of hope rather than being here and creating myself equal to who I would want myself to be.

I would really like to be equal to the physical, however difficult that seems, I can not and will not give up, as that is the only real goal in life. I see how I have left myself vulnerable and exposed to attacks from others, perhaps I have transcended that point, to no longer be insulted. I see how I have tried to help people in the past, perhaps overextended in that regard to appear as a savior type. Perhaps my new approach can be focused solely on myself and getting myself free of the systems, judgments, and fears.

How can I push myself harder in re-creating myself, re-aligning myself, and correcting myself. I could take the course again. I could do more writing, more forgiveness, more motivating myself, become more strict, more disciplined, and more aware. I must realize that there are more dimensions to myself than what I think in the moment, especially moments of despair or temptation. I have to stop condemning myself, and giving up on myself. I realize things get very difficult, such as today and yesterday when I felt awful, I felt there was nothing I could do, hopeless.

It is as if I have to see myself in a whole new way, where I do not blame myself ever, or anyone else. I have to see PAST all the phony facade, and trust that I am giving it all for my one goal which is to become equal to the physical. Sacrifice my emotional reactions and feelings for the goal. Sacrifice what I think I want, for what I can trust that will lead me to my goal of becoming physical. All of this in spite of my past, and in spite of what I or anyone else thinks of me for who I have been, I have to re-create myself in a consistent and effective manner so that I can walk the process step by step and breath by breath and develop the self-trust to stay the course for myself and for life.

I have to work harder on myself, striving to develop,improve, and perfect my walk in a way that I can not be moved from my position of standing as the physical. Develop integrity to the process. I can not allow myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of letting others down, as that causes problems. I do not seek any rank or position besides that of simply being an equal. I will not allow my process to be compromised through reaction. I will not react, but simply direct myself in the way that is best for all life so that I can prove to myself and others that I will not be moved by energy of any sort, or anything that does not support the equality of life in the physical. I will not be controlled by the fear of taking authority for myself, nor by the fear of taking self responsibility. I move myself out of the realization of the atrocity of what has been accepted and allowed here, and that it must absolutely stop.

Working under my car today I had the terrible idea of what it would be like to have a car or a machine crush me. Horrifying, the fear that exists within us, and how helpless we are in the face of trauma. I realize our systems have some triggers to help in such cases, but they are not entirely effective to say the least.

I commit myself to motivate myself daily, to see deeply into myself beyond what appears on the surface, and into who I am, and what it means to be life.

Day 311

Monday Dec 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ***** as an emotional and feeling dump, trying to hide, or get rid of all of my negative emotions through the experience of energetic highs and lows.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ***** will solve my problems, when in actuality it is only a temporary solution that does not solve anything in the long term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed of myself for my past as what I have accepted and allowed within the points of sex and masturbation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in shame, and so allowing the temporary feeling of shame to direct and control me.

I am getting a negative, low feeling when addressing these points, as the awareness of shame which I have run from for most of my life. I have always been trying to escape shame, as the thought of being ashamed was an awful, negative emotion which I did not want to experience. So rather than address the problem, I tried to hide and escape from it, through various means of not facing it, like pretending that I wasn't aware, going into vivid imaginations in my mind where I could feel better about myself to offset the fear that I was to be ashamed of myself. So I compounded the problem of shame to the extent that I made more problems for myself, and indirectly others through not facing the point of shame.

Is there something I am missing - relationship?... obviously there is a disconnect.     

Day 310

Sat Dec 3

What are the causes of these emotions of sadness I am having? Regret, shame that I feel I have let myself and others down. Looking at the point of my inevitable death, how that if I were to die today, I would be sad for how I have missed many opportunities to recreate myself. Why am I so reluctant to proceed with my process? Fear of messing up. Fear that I will not stand, despite how I have stopped most of my systems, and most of the harder ones I assume. I do not see any major stumbling blocks if I remain in self-awareness.

How I have abdicated my directive principle. In the early stages, I realized there was much deception/greed within the system, so I followed what I thought was (what I saw as) the solution as god within religion. Recently, I made effort to do stand as the solution (the way I perceived it), but overstepped my bounds within not taking into account all aspects of exactly how I should have gone about it, more precisely as how I ought to have aligned my words, therefore I made an ass of myself in a manner of speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my directive principle within suppressing myself within fear of repeating the same mistakes over because I fear I may not have learned my lesson thoroughly enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from taking directive principle because I fear creating conflict within the group, and so creating more problems than solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking directive principle because I suspect I will overstep my bounds and compromise the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak without awareness of what the outflows of my words will be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak without directing myself in a way that is supportive for all .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself through waiting for a solution, when, if I look at the problem thoroughly, I will realize that I have no other option than to continue writing and standing in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself and limit my potential within not allowing myself to see the options that are available to me, and that, if I do not act, I will only add to regret as what I should have or could have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider and focus on what I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting the group down because I have made such a mess of things for myself, that I end up in cycles of depression, suppression, and stagnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will let others down and become more ashamed of myself and so embarrass others and make others ashamed of me.

I commit myself to push myself to create myself as equal, despite how my past has gone and how desperate my situation looks at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself to my work, as creating my connection to myself as life in all dimensions.

I commit myself to push myself to continue writing and finding a way that I can support myself and others within walking my process.  

Day 309

Wednesday November 30

No way out. Have to learn to motivate myself and force my physical to do things, despite the situation.

I sacrificed physical experience in exchange for the feeling, because I did not want to face the shame that I had failed myself. Within that, it felt 'good' to believe that I was wronged so that I could extricate myself from responsibility and take the easy way out. Some would call it laziness, but that is not specific, it was a misunderstanding combined with the fear of losing that which I was aware that I truly cared deeply about. Upon realizing this point, I see that (at least part) of the solution is to whip my physical body into compliance with self-honesty, as there is no real choice in the matter. This meaning, I cannot continue to do what I 'want', I must do my best to prioritize what is 'needed'.

Facing my Terror, as if from high in the at most fear. To assist in gaining perspective for myself so that I can see a solution for problems which I need to face.

My work is to bridge the gap between that part of myself which I have lost connection with.

Why I don't ask for help? Many reasons. I feel like I am leeching, as my financial resources are strained. I don't necessarily know what to ask for, or if I ask, that the other(s) will have the solution for my problem. I feel I should be responsible and have acquired enough knowledge that I believe that I should be able to find the solutions for myself. I have had many issues in the past where I have asked for help and have been subverted, or given inadequate solutions to my problems.

I realize I have manipulated myself through withdrawing myself from participating and giving my best, because I believed that my protest/withdrawal would motivate others to assist me through them realizing that I was not participating. Manipulating others to try and get them to help, rather than take responsibility and do what I must do for myself and others in an active way. I did not trust myself, because I saw myself as equal to what was here, not realizing that I must change myself to instead, stand equal to life.   

Day 308

Sunday November 27

I learned that I have realized a great responsibility within myself, and so at times I push myself to fulfill that responsibility, which ought not be a bad thing, rather supportive in actuality, only I have to learn to forgive myself when I do make mistakes.

How we have desecrated the physical so extensively, and still not realized what we are doing to ourselves. We have allowed ourselves to exist in fear of introspection, of facing what is really here. We have preferred shame to self honesty. We cover up the truth of ourselves, we prefer the lie, because the lie feels better for the moment. We fear addressing the problem in the assumption that 'someone else has already considered it all' and thus there is no, and will be no solution ever, meanwhile, the solution is here as ourselves.

We justify ourselves as being too small to create the solution, which is nothing more than a terrible lie, as size is irrelevant in terms of self honesty.

I am greatly relieved to have realized myself to this point, and grateful for the support I have been given. I would like to be faithful to what has been given to me of existence, so that I might somehow support the creation of life here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my game and play for too long today without realizing how that I am sacrificing myself as the time that I have been given - and using that time in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with others because I feel that I am being prevented from helping and supporting others and myself in the process through judgments and criticizing. I should correct the point and at least blog as a point of self movement.