When I was a child, I recall there was much anxiety and conflict within me, but I did not know how to express it, nor understand it. This continued throughout my childhood experience with interactions with friends, family, teachers and so on. So I ended up suppressing myself for a number of years. I could describe it now as a kind of despair combined with many fears and angers of all kinds. It was as if I was screaming inside and no-one could hear me or even wanted to listen, let alone help.
Then in my early teens, I began having strong desires, expecting that one day I would be free from all the oppressive despair and fear I felt. I fantasized of meeting the girl of my dreams and getting married, of being a hero whom everyone admired, dreams of having lots of fun with friends. I longed to be free, to be able to make decisions for myself... that I thought was real freedom, as I carried a deep hatred for the world. Yet my idea of freedom was not real.
One thing that I really longed for, was adventure. I remember having the book 'The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe' by C.S.Lewis read to me. This book totally captivated me to the extent that I actually wanted to trade my life to live in such a fantasy world. I admittedly walked into a closet one day, hoping I would be transported to that world. Lol.
In my early 20's, I read 'The Lord of The Rings' by J.R.Tolkien. That book completely enchanted me. It was so magical and wondrous... full of adventure and things to explore. There was a quest, a purpose. The difference between good and evil was clear, as was what had to be done. This highlighted the desires, and conflicts within me. I used the characters of this book as an allegory or parallel for my life. Which character was I?... And at what part in the story? Sometimes I was Frodo, sometimes Gandalf, and sometimes Aragorn. Interestingly, I never saw the Gollum, Saruman, or Sauron within me... until recently.
As I began to get older and followed religion, I thought heaven could be the escape I was looking for. Sadly and naively, I was just hoping and wishing, tossing myself like a coin into a fountain.
As the system of the world began to take over my life, the enchantment began to fade, as I slowly began to realize that there is no magical land, no enchanting place to escape, no heaven out there somewhere. No Gandalf to guide me. No friend like Aragorn. No true companion like Sam. The reality of the cruel, mundane, slave-world I existed in overpowered me.
Sure there were temporary escapes, like camping, music and playing games like 'World of Warcraft' and movies like 'Legend' and 'The Never Ending Story' to pacify my imagination while playing in the Shire. But there was nothing that was in any way a real experience even mildly comparable to what I had imagined. Friends became distant and unreliable, family, it became obvious, was a big lie.
Long and hard i pondered... why was the world like this? Why are we so dead, when we could have so easily created a world like middle-earth, full of fun, awe and adventure? Why did I allow myself to exist like this? To live in a world of mind-numbing drudgery, slave-labor, cold-hard roads leading only to bland rectangle office buildings and cookie-cutter square houses as jails, built to hide from ourselves, because we fear what others think of us.
Just like in our minds, where we hide in our definitions, degrees, titles and personalities. I guess we just give up on ourselves and figure there is no choice, but bow to all this nonsense. We might as well be comfortable if we are going to die anyway? Seems somewhat pathetic and ironic that we try to be comfortable in a dog-eat-dog world full of greed, spite and cruelty.
As I sit here typing this, it has occurred to me that I have allowed my dreams to be crushed. Anger, resentment and sadness... all useless... none of which are going to change who we are. It is all spiteful. Those who claim to be 'happy'... just as with those who claim to be in love. Please. The biggest farce in the universe. Go ahead and put on that big SM-LIE, you will see your own revolting disguise eventually, but likely by then it will be too late. You have never lived! You have never been real! You have never even seen yourself for who you really are! How can you be so ignorant as to claim to be happy or in love?
There is some relief in expressing this to myself and whomever. At least I have finally realized who I am as equality, and at least I am applying myself in learning to take responsibility for what I have allowed. This machine-driven world is a joke... a cruel joke at that, and one which has to be stopped, without question. One which I will no longer accept. It is empty of life... an absolute sickening, disgusting lie, founded in deception.
So I have looked into the mirror of Galadriel, I have seen the 'I' and therefore, I must face the long, dark halls of Moria, and take the road to Mordor. The ring of power and control has to be destroyed in the face of our mount-ing doom. Have you looked into the mirror? Have you seen it?
The Destonians shall be the fellowship.
Our mission is clear, as we have but one choice... that all rings of power as relationships of spitefulness, deception and abuse be un-made forever, so that life may become real and true and unconditional for all, here, in equality.
What will you do with the one ring?