Day 307

From Saturday November 26, 2016

Constructs.

Fear of letting everyone down

Fear of messing everything up

Fear of rejection

Process

I apologize for my inconsistency and instability as of late. Things have been tough going, and I have been learning a lot about myself, in how I have a tendency to handle certain situations and circumstances.  Through a considerable amount of writing and introspection over the last while, I am confident I have discovered the core issues within myself.  Now I will apply what I have learned and walk the points out as myself being the point of change and self-trust. 

Fears were suddenly manifest, at which point I did not see the starting point. My interpretation was that I was compromising the group somehow, and in looking at the point, it became clear that I was unaware of many dimensions, thus the potential for me to have realized my worst case scenario, as having messed up everything not only for myself, but for everyone else as well. This was not something I wanted to face, as there were many points which I did not understand, and thus I felt it was best if I just stop participating altogether. In hindsight, that was not the best idea, however it was my solution at the time... it was what I thought was best in light of the fact that I believed others were better suited for managing the direction of process in general. My fear was that I was being egotistical, and ranting without seeing my own shortfalls.

I realize I let things go on for too long, however I really did not see a real solution. I should have investigated more, rather than just hiding myself. I really thought it would be best if I just laid low for a while until things blew over, however, in doing that, I became stagnant and allowed other systems to play out within myself which compounded matters in a way that produced significant guilt and remorse - to the extent that I was even more reluctant to move myself. Instead, I became lost in my direction, and seriously suppressed within my own understanding of myself. I tried to change myself, but I could not escape my own guilt and the belief that I had completely messed things up for myself and everyone. I realized that applying oneself is nigh impossible without support. 

I realize that there is no place to hide from myself, no matter how ashamed I am of myself. I also realize that I was in a point of revenge, where I was trying to get others to take responsibility for what I had allowed, for what I refused to see and change within myself. I was blaming others instead of correcting my own patterns.

Perhaps I trusted myself too much without giving to others the opportunity to realize things for themselves, and in doing so, I came off as overbearing, thus creating a barrier to realization, also a fear as harm rather than support. I realize I was trying to make amends and correct my past through pushing myself onto others, and that created guilt within me. I was trying to 'do something good' to augment how I had judged myself as my past as 'disastrous' and 'inconsiderate'. I had not adequately forgiven myself for my past it seems.

I did not consider others within the point that, I was anxious to blog for my own purposes without considering what direction I should be going, I mistook liberty for equality - whereas I took the freedom instead of standing equal to the group.  I saw the point of self judgement, however I did not see the perspective of the solution to simply stand equal to the point, and stand equal to the group.  It sounds really dumb as this is what I have been practicing for so long, however there were a number of other issues that were complicating matters somewhat.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting everyone down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on ranting without having support of understanding my direction from the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, in myself being unaware of many dimensions, that I was thus guilty of all kinds of terrible things simply for being unaware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I was messing up everything for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others for the belief that I was messing up everything for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected, and so manifest the rejection of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I was compromising the group in some way in which I did not understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embarrass myself through a mental projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as less than, (or better than) rather than an equal member of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for my own created internal belief and justification that non communication is communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see beyond my programmed fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the potential to explore my options and ask for assistance and clarification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there was nothing I could do to correct the problem, in that I believed myself to be the problem, therefore I should have realized that I am also the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the problem was too extensive to correct in the short term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overbearing in pushing myself and my perspectives onto others without living the principles for myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to do something good in order to augment the guilt I had inside, where I now realize that first I must address, forgive and correct the guilt.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to adequately forgive and correct my past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be fully considerate of others and how I treat them as well as myself, as equals. 

Day 306

From Friday Nov 25 2016

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being betrayed, in that I fear that the process will turn me into a sissy and an ass kisser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that process will waste my time and have me doing things that are irrelevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough money to survive and hence fear going into more debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of frustration.

I feel frustrated, losing my chess games, feel like I am wasting time, losing time, losing money, losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete for betterness, superiority, or supremacy in anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately lose so that I can win in my mind (self pity) and be the judge of myself as a loser.

Looking into the point of why I went into the point of lust.

Day 305

From Thurs Nov 24 2016

Blockage last night. That is what it tested as. Point of suppression. Have not defended myself effectively. Allowed myself to be taken advantage of. Quite a rude awakening. Very aware of this point now. I feel I have finally passed this misalignment milestone. Now for reprisal and correction.

False Humility in all of my actions. Humility from the wrong starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be falsely humble from the starting point of fear and seeking to please others. I realize I have accepted and allowed this sick and twisted character to sabotage me for a very long time, with much consequence. I will address this head on within myself through observing my participation, watching my thoughts, words, and behaviors.

How can I discipline myself? Alignment with Goals, Talisman.

How can I move myself? Develop consistency and effectiveness.

How can I prevent suppression? Address it and expose it directly, with tenacity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the belief that I am not being effective enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not being effective enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not fit in, or that I do not know my place in this life.

Watched Avatar again tonight. Navi - Naive.

Tested, I will recover.   

Day 304

From Wed November  23, 2016

Why did I not change in my life?

Why did I not do something epic?

You have to give everything.

Practice directed exertion.

What can I do to support life?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing myself, running from myself and justifying it with beliefs that I am good, or doing well, or I have done a lot for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be double minded in separating myself from who I am by living as multiple characters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not know how to draw the line within directing myself in what I should do and what I should not do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my life without directing myself in the way that is best for all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say things that sound really good and honorable, yet not fully apply myself in creating myself equal to what I say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to con myself into beliefs because I have feared facing myself, and feared being a shill, a con, and a deceiver.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a deceiver of myself and so others, and within that fear facing that point within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that someday I will change, rather than committing myself to change in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to push off of others in order to change myself.

I forgive myself for preventing myself from realizing how to push myself to change physically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stagnant, ignorant of what is taking place in the physical reality.

I forgive myself for not realizing myself as the point of change in my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly try to feel better, rather than pushing myself to do what is best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel awkward when I make effort to do what is best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed when I make effort to change myself and do what is best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses to exempt myself from working to change, so that I can exist in self interest.

I commit myself to pursue change every day

I commit myself to do things that support life every day, as my gift to life.

I commit myself to recognize how I can improve on my process of change.  

Day 303

From Tuesday  Nov 22, 2016

Many things come into question.  What is my potential?  How would I ever know if I suppress myself, avoid facing my problems, and entertain fear failure?  I have taken out my internal resentment on others through self-suppression and refusing to help myself or others.  Frustrated by past failures, not realizing why things were happening the way they were, I had had enough of it and quit trying.  I sacrificed myself for others, thinking that that was the best thing to do, but it only ended up creating more internal anger and problems for myself.  I have to  keep moving either way, so I may as well make effort to discover how I can become as effective as possible, as well as aligning myself in a way that is also effective and enjoyable.  The fact that I am so upset is evidence that I have not fulfilled my potential. I didn't think it possible, and though I cannot blame myself for that, I have to live with myself and the fact that I did not give my best, which is awful to have to live with for any stretch of time.

Astonished how we hide behind others to shield ourselves from facing our fears.  It is not such a hostile act, more than it is motivated by terror of being ostracized and condemned from life in shame.

Why do I not understand myself?  Hiding myself within the belief that I must be utterly ashamed of myself for not having realized myself.  I have allowed myself to be miserable for quite some time. Things have felt so off, yet I have accepted it as just 'what it is' and unchangeable.  Life has no guarantees, which illustrates our default state of fear.

I keep trying to understand myself through logic, continually getting lost in the process, never at peace with myself... as though pieces are missing.  Important pieces. Though I pass it off in my mind.  Things in life aren't logical.

So I keep beating myself up over my confusion and uncertainty.  Again I look at the point of Trust.  Who do I trust? What do I trust?  I seem to have a different answer each time I ask myself.  Upon deep introspection, I find I do trust myself, because deep down I really want equality, and life to be free from enslavement.  That part of myself I trust, yet I have prevented myself from standing in perfection in relation to that point, likely because I have not fully realized parts of myself.  My full understanding of myself has been held as a belief - I believe that I fully understand myself - Self Deception.  I have held many assumptions (as placeholders for actuality) which contribute to uncertainty.  If thine eye be single...

Why have I been afraid to try or to ask?  Fear of failure? Fear of shame? Fear of exclusion?  Fear of humiliation?  Do I really fear these things?  Don't think so, as I have done SF on these fears extensively.  Perhaps there is a dimension or dimensions I missed in relation to other aspects of myself.

I have put so much energy into self suppression because I did not recognize/realize my utmost potential.  I made excuses simply because that was how I was trained/programmed to think in terms of finding justifications - no justifications are acceptable.  I was so loaded down with guilt and shame that I did not consider myself as worthy of life.  Thus anger, resentment, revenge, withdrawal, and hiding behind excuses... primarily the belief that I was too deeply messed up to realize myself.

Am I asking too much of life?  Am I imposing myself and my problems onto others?  I tend to do the opposite, in trying to do everything myself, believing that to be self responsibility.  Is it accurate to say that - within self honesty - one can not ask too much of life?  One would have to define self honesty.  So, at this point, what is self honesty to me?  I would say to be responsible to all, self and others in doing what is best and necessary to be done.  Changing within the physical, as the physical in concordance with the principle as life.  Seems easy to escape by that definition, however the certainty of consequence demonstrates that there is no escape.

I must learn to Create, and Un-create effectively.

My forgiveness has been a form of carpet bombing, and some from the starting point of fear in that 'I should just do sf on this just in case there is a point there' which is ok to get things moving, but I must clear the relevant points.

I see how I lose patients with myself and allow myself to get angry with myself.  This reinforces the belief that I cant do the process, succumbing to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and get frustrated with myself within walking this process.

I commit myself to be humble with myself and others, and not allow myself to succumb and give in to fear, anger, and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others as a springboard for my own betterment and advancement in this world and in this process.   I realize I must support myself within this system which entails selling my goods and services.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take resentment and fear of failure out on others through suppressing myself and refusing to help others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself in the process due to fear of shame and humiliation.  I realize that I am creating fear shame and humiliation through refusing to change, and entertaining those fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my best to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind others while deceiving myself with the belief that I am helping, supporting or doing some kind of good.   I realize that I must walk effectively in thought word and deed in order to align myself to the principle of living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe others from a distance without participating myself in order to contribute to changing this world into a place that honors life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my situation or circumstance is unchangeable, and within that justifying the act of giving up on myself and others.  I realize that things look pretty bad sometimes, but giving up is just submitting myself to fear, rather than making every possible effort to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others in the belief that they have it easier than I do.  Within that I am trying to feel better about myself through tearing others down.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize what support has been given to me through my struggles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get back at others indirectly through suppressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having failed to recognize.  If I recognize a point, then I have not failed, it just took longer.  As long as I am here, I can learn and change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking too much, and so imposing myself onto others.  I realize I must ask for help at times.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize my utmost potential.  I realize this is reaping what I have sewn, as fear, self deception, and believing that I know myself, and believing I have walked the necessary points within myself when I have missed points because I have not walked them effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create mind relationships which do not support the principle of life within thought word and deed.   Self Beliefs.

Day 302

From Monday November 21 2016

Feel ok today.  2 drops of peroxide is really helping I find.

Thinking I should buy that little honda.  Bought it.  Lets see what happens.

If I don't have any stress, my mind creates stress, partially to avoid the feeling of guilt.

Do I have any special ability which I am response-able to manifest. Fail expert. lol. Mental escape artist. lol.

I would have liked to applied myself, at least made the effort to be a good Story teller.  Not in vanity however.  I see how I never took the time to develop that within myself. Perhaps I should make a point of that.  I would have to learn to be more direct firstly.

I keep going back to the memories of playing warcraft.  There were some fun times, however it does consume a lot of time.  I must not abuse it in the desire to escape, or fear of facing my issues, or allow it to compromise me in any way.  I see how I could have developed myself in many different ways, however I neglected working on myself in favor of the embellishment of myself within that game.  I did not have a clear perspective of myself.

Life is so much different now then things were even 20 years ago.  I am quite isolated. I feel as though I were on a deserted planet almost.  What a shock to realize that I am not fully standing with my body.

Its not so much that I was trying to be a hero, I don't blame myself for that, only practically there are things which I did not address effectively, like creating support for myself.

Mapping my mind.
Relationships - I can understand how it makes things easier on myself if I were to view myself through the eyes of someone whom I cared about and had a relationship with.  I have created mental relationships, yet not been fully responsible.  I feel very naive, awkward, and embarrassed.  I have to correct these points.  I have done this but not thoroughly enough.  I have acquired all of my systems through relationships.

I should like to sign up for DIP again should I recover.

When death comes you have no choice but to embrace it.  The great fear that lies ahead, that none of us are prepared for.  I recall the days of hell from my CO poisoning. That was so terrible.  I do not wish to feel like that again.

Movie Avatar - The Navi make their connection with the physical reality, from their occipital bone, through their pony tail.  They connect with animals and plants, and as alluded to in the beginning where Grace says "don't play with that or you will go blind" - it is closely related to the sex system.  So this illustrates the point that we have lost our connection with the physical reality within our defining, limiting, judging, and classifying roles within sex.  We do not recognize what we sacrifice.

The Navi also say " I see you" within a deeper context of seeing into a person, beyond what appears through our eyes, beyond the senses - awareness of the self, the life force within all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceived by beauty and love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost, distanced from myself, and stumble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the opposite of what I wanted for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope in myself, and lose hope with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take life lightly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume things about that which I do not fully understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to recognize how others have helped me and supported me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted what gifts were given to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize the best of myself so that I might return honor for life, and not be ashamed of myself.