7 Year Journey to Life Day 2 - Recognizing Patterns

Today I worked on a deck I am building.  While setting up the contract, I allowed myself to under-price the job because I was fearing not getting the job and not having any work.  I see that this point has played out many times in the past where I jeopardize my situation because of my fears.  I end up underpricing a job and then when it comes time to do the work I get angry at myself, and am upset with myself throughout the job and at the end when I get paid.  Every time I do it I am amazed that I let it happen again, yet it continues to happen over and over again.  How and why do I constantly fail to realize the pattern playing out?  There are multiple factors at work such as…

Forgetting how the patterns have played out in the past
Not being aware of its play out in the present
Not recognizing the starting point of the patterns
Not recognizing how I participate in the patterns
Irresponsibility to change the pattern play outs
Wanting to blame others or the system

There was an instance in my childhood where I was at school, it was grade 1 I remember.  The teacher (will call her Rose) was giving a lesson on how to recognize patterns through pictures.  It occurred to me that this could be a key to understanding my reality, yet I immediately dismissed it because I was already quite aware of the deception in my world through having a stepmother that I absolutely despised.  The fake-ness of everything was apparent when one is in that kind of relationship.

I thought that this lesson was another attempt to trick me into believing something that was not true.  I did not want to fall for another trick.  It couldn’t be that simple.  And patterns seemed so repetitive and boring.  Why was school and this teacher trying to get me to work on things?  Why did they not just tell me straight up instead of trying to show me in some round about way?  Why all the deception?  This is how my distrust for the system developed. 

Through this distrust I learned to be rebellious to the system and so gain an ego or personality construct within myself as someone who could outsmart the system.  I could get around issues and deal with things my own way.  I began trusting my ego until eventually that began to let me down in a number of ways.  There were some harsh realizations within that and so I had nothing left to trust, not even myself, which is why I turned to religion.  It was easy, I hated myself and the world, so I could just have faith in a god that would save me from it all.  Not realizing I was only falling deeper into delusion I had manifested through seeing myself as separate from the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not responsible for recognizing the patterns that play out in my life and changing them to support myself and all life as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can escape or circumvent the system as not facing it as myself as what I have allowed myself to become as a system of enslavement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am better than the system and therefore I can do things my own way in the illusion that I have free choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in thinking that I am separate from my reality and therefore someone else is to blame for enforcing a system of enslavement upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility to change the system as myself and therefore abdicate myself within my life experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be free of responsibility, which is like wanting to steal life and get it for free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the harsh reality that I am responsible for accepting and allowing this system to exist through my not considering all life equally in every way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having work and not having money and in so creating consequences that play out that create worse circumstances for myself which further create more anger and fear within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss, not recognize, deny and forget the patterns that play out in my life which are showing me myself and my dishonest participation in my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my problems will just go away by themselves without me having to work them out for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame others or place responsibility on others to show me what I am doing to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condemn myself and be angry with myself and others when I have to face consequences of what I have accepted and allowed not realizing that in the moment of facing consequences I can still then stand up and change myself and manage the consequences to repair what I have messed up for myself.

Till here no further and all life is equal in every way.