Day 391 - Self Interest

Everything seems to be in some way directly or indirectly connected to sex as the underlying mechanism of power and control.  Love in the broader sense is just the veneer for sex – control.  Sex appears very innocent and 'good', yet that is where the danger lies, as it is the expression of self interest and self attempting to escape guilt encountered when facing ones past irresponsibility.  Jealousy also plays out in this game as revenge justified through inner self condemnation and lack of self forgiveness.  I see within myself a starting point of despair when looking at past patterns which justifies masturbation.  When wrestling with the desire, there exists blockages to progression as pointlessness, self-doubt, lack of self worth, lack of self trust, lack of understanding self, lack of focus, lack of clarity of goals, fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of judgment etc. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea of pointlessness within myself in self doubt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create lack of self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my own inherent self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack understanding of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack focus on what is required to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack clarity in personal goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and the consequences of failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear humiliation and the consequences of so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear weakness as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sickness and death as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear nothingness as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing who I am as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ostracized as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear boredom (state of mind) as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear challenging myself as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as less than others as a result of not having achieved orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as a someone who masturbates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as someone who enjoys sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as having enjoyed sex in the past