Day 375 - Who Am I?

March 5, 2019

Who am I? No simple answer.  It seems that there is nothing definite, which would explain why I am easily lead by past ideas, regrets, survival and programming.  I would be the solution, however there is insufficient trust established.  Building required, yet lacking traction, confidence, support.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to anger, blaming others for problems I created through inconsideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger as a cloak in order to avoid facing my shame and correcting myself.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear potential humiliations and reactions in anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my own reactions in anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger is the solution to my problems, while it can at times help articulate, it is ego when used in the context of distraction from the point that needs to be dealt with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger against myself in spite of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger against myself as a tool of indirect revenge against others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing the point of my internal anger.  I realize that I can explore my options in finding ways to diffuse, forgive, or redirect the energy of anger so that I can clear the point and move on with something constructive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others and disqualify myself in anger.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself and so lose sight of the objective. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of discouragement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the suffering of others to make them pay for what I feel as shame and humiliation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself, leaving myself to drift on the currents of the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have done is sufficient. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed and humiliated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will reflect some kind of shame onto others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will corrupt others through my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be dishonest in my participation 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be missing something, or some knowledge and so not be up to speed leading to humiliation 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by fear of humiliation from past experiences in this life and previous lives. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being betrayed by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being metaphorically stabbed in the back by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being metaphorically gang-banged by others  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be suspicious of betrayal from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competitive with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect setting boundaries for myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expose myself beyond that which is practical, thus leaving myself open to scrutiny and sabotage from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am better than, and so inhibiting movement and causing reactions and stagnation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get off track 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect building support for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny understanding myself and realizing things about myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extensively limit myself through self sabotage as indirect revenge on others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others to wallow in their own delusions as an act of indirect revenge