Monday, 21 September 2020

Day 429 - Dream Reflection

 Monday September 21, 2020



Dream


I was with a few women in a very old house.  We discovered a hidden passageway to a very old room which contained an astounding collection of ancient masterpieces.  They were very odd looking, but just by glancing upon them one could tell that they were crafted with extreme care and must have taken a very long time to complete.  One piece was a 6 foot corner shelving type unit with a steel frame that was filled out with extremely detailed beeswax.  The girl I was immediately enamored with the piece and grabbed it as if to take it with her.  In doing so she melted some of the wax with her hands and marred the piece.  There was another strange piece that caught my attention.  It was a closed hand held mirror which was completely covered in a very rough vine-like texture.  It had an actual vine all around it, and the vine came off the top of the mirror as if to form half of an eternity symbol.  I recall how deeply precious this piece felt to me, and the emotion carried out as I woke up remembering the dream. 


In reflection, I see that we as humans sometimes completely miss the beauty and awe of life as represented by the hidden passage.  Sometimes if and when we do find it, we quickly become enamored and get so caught up in the beauty that we can miss the point and try to possess that which cannot be possessed.  I see that we cannot fathom the care and effort that has gone in times before us, but sometimes there is a remnant left for us to discover.  I see that the most dear treasures are not fully understood, they can be felt for a short time, yet the feelings are fleeting, coming and going like the wind.   



 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the point in trying to possess beauty


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand my own existence, myself, my potential, my expression, my purpose and reason for being


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in the belief that I can be something that I am not


I forgive myself that I have not equally given back to life all that has been given to me 

Thursday, 17 September 2020

Day 428 - Reading it Wrong

 Thursday September 17, 2020


Dream

I was walking around in a downtown section of what felt like my city of Ottawa.  It was nighttime and there were various people walking around.  There was a single story white brick building and I was walking around it looking for an entrance.  I was looking for a place to stay for the night and while this building did not have any signs describing itself as a hotel, I had a feeling that I had been there before so I was intent on getting inside to at least ask someone.  I did find the door, and when I got in there was an older gentleman that greeted me.  I just had to pose for a picture to get access to a room for the night.  Once my picture was taken, I was led down a hallway and greeted by a tall blond woman.  She then led me further into the building where I received a towel and some supplies for the night.  It looked like an office building on the inside which had cubicles walls halfway to the ceiling.  She showed me to a very small cubicle which there was a sink on one side and a red headed girl sitting in a chair on the other.  The blond lady was showing me the sink and strangely mentioned to me to not touch her leg for more than 3 seconds.  My guess was that she had that happen to her recently and felt uncomfortable about it.  The blond lady left and I turned to the smiling red haired girl.  In a force of habit I greeted her with an awkwardly gentle fist bump.  I realized I vaguely knew her from somewhere as she mentioned she was just finishing up some work and would be leaving shortly thereafter.   



Haven't had so much excitement around pickleball lately, the game is still enjoyable, however I guess I have learned about as much as I can from it.   I see it as necessary exercise for the body, and a point of interacting with the community here.  I suspect I am not challenging myself or others as much as I could be, just going along with the flow and not taking initiative to expand self awareness.  


Reading it wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in my expectations of how others will judge me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in how I will react if others judge me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown aspects of myself and in that suppress myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate through the hidden fear of the unknown, not realizing that the fear of the unknown is actually a major key to self realization and self expansion beyond the mundane systematic programming.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read it wrong in projecting judgments in how I think others are judging me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my reactions are coming from past experiences of being punished and told that I am a 'bad person' for not realizing and understanding myself. 

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

Day 427 - Time and Freedom

 Wednesday September 16, 2020


Message that occurred to me last night:  Time is the point that reveals self honesty


Was feeling a bit tired and nauseous today, so did some groceries then slept for a bit.  Grateful that I have the ability to take time to rest when others do not have the luxury.  

Its interesting how we see many protesters these days are shouting 'freedom!', as if that were a point of unity.  Freedom is non specific, and so can incur many forms of self interest justified by the fact that it is proclaimed without context.  Non-contextualized freedom can only exist in a mental state of chaotic insanity, and so it is not truly free, but rather the opposite, as non are free until all is free.  Any revolution consisting of groups that are non-specific, and thus not based in any unified principle are divided and so subject to inevitable disintegration.  The simple common sense solution is to create a world that supports life in the best way possible, that is actually best for all life.  That way, no deception can exist.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet in abstaining from pushing myself to do my best


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my input is less valid than that of others


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as time so that I may give myself time to create what is necessary to be created for my best and the best for all life here. 

Tuesday, 15 September 2020

Day 426 - Working for Buddy

 Tuesday September 15, 2020


Worked for an old buddy from h.s. Today.  Had some convo afterwords that was quite eye opening as to how some people I have known for a long time have been existing.  A part of me was surprised, and interestingly another part was delighted to know that some people that I have known have been so 'wild' and rebellious.  That is a selfish feeling that came up and I would not glorify it, as the consequences although unseen, are surely disgraceful for all affected.  It is so strange in contrast to what I have been going through the past 20 years or so, I literally feel like I've been living on a different planet.  This world is insane.  For myself to have been given the opportunity to realize the greater solution is a truly amazing and unfathomable gift and one that I would not trade for anything.  I tried to explain to my buddy, and while he did seem to understand some points I made, I know he could not grasp the whole picture, no matter how simple I made it.  


     

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel delighted to know people who have embellished themselves in existence.  I realize the consequences are not something worthy of glorifying.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be better than others who have lived these types of experiences, I realize that I could easily be in their shoes. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of others who have lived a wild and rebellious lifestyle


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as fearful for not living on the edge like others who have been described to me.  I realize that these things are done from the starting point of glorifying a personality in self interest, thus nothing new, just a robotic cycle of self indulgent ignorance of the greater picture. 

Monday, 14 September 2020

Day 425 - Alignments

 Monday September 14, 2020


Disengaged

Brown nosing

Farce - no judgment

Out of alignment



I see so much brown nosing in peoples relationships.  People acquiescing and taking the role of 'less than' out of fear of losing some kind of status with another person, or additionally because they are afraid of standing up to someone whom they believe to be some kind of 'authority' figure who has 'more knowledge' than they do.  To me it is quite clear, and frankly sickening.   The world would be a far better place if we could all stop this one point.  Not denying my own issues, I have been systematically raised and trained in the art of childish, foolish and mentally-limited behaviors.  For the short term I am working on rebuilding my alignments within self trust, not being harsh or condemning myself inadvertently.  This is just where I am at.       



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disengaged with people and relationships in the world


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid speaking up out of uncertainty 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in reaction to the belief that there is some unknown part of myself that activates when I engage and hence creates mysterious problems for which I am unable to manage and/or control.  I realize that fears such as these do not exempt me from working on myself towards learning to become self responsible 

Sunday, 13 September 2020

Day 424 - Faulty Ideas

 Sunday September 13, 2020



Played computer games all day.  Major breakthrough in the pet goat decode which I have been following.  Seems to be suggesting something big is imminent.  As for myself, I have been hiding my emotional distress in the knowledge that it is causing anger and frustration in others.  How can I get over this passive aggressive frame of mind?  Confidence is low and compounded by uncertainty.  Have to find a way to break through in a way that I can regain some form of dignity.  I had an idea of how things would go and it failed, exposing the idea as a farce.  I realize I should not take things personally, because it is not me that is the failure, but my ideas which are a manifestation of me trying to solve my problems and the problems of the world.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my emotional distress in the knowledge that it causes distress in others.  I realize that I must take steps to regain confidence and so create a workable solution in order to stop perpetuating the problem. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to berate and sabotage myself because of the ideas I created as solutions which did not go as planned.  I realize the necessary step to be taken, which is to toss the idea and create something new that is suitable to the problem.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and so go into extended periods of suppression.  I realize that this is not the solution and it only aggravates the situation for everyone.  

Saturday, 12 September 2020

Day 423 - Evasion

 Saturday September 12, 2020


Pickleball analogy - lazy missed shots - sourced through personality system of evasion as not giving my best. 


Realized a point where someone had mentioned laziness as a character flaw, and I had somewhat enthusiastically reacted/resisted stating that laziness was not a specific starting point thus inaccurate.  What I had missed and eventually discovered in myself was that the actual starting point was not laziness, but patterns of evasion as I would often not give my best effort within various thought processes such as 'its not worth it', or 'it will be useless', or 'there's no point to doing this', 'not sure if this is the right thing to do' etc etc.  This also relates to patterns of trust where I had been placing trust in others as opposed to trusting myself, and as such I had been misleading myself through allowing myself to be mislead by others.  Consequently I would then go into patterns of blame, evasion, frustration etc. thus diffusing my best potential through not seeing clearly what were my responsibilities in various circumstances, and how they could be approached that would create workable solutions.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excuses such as 'its not worth it', or 'it will be useless', or 'there's no point to doing this', 'not sure if this is the right thing to do' in order to justify to myself why I do not have to take responsibility to resolve conflicts and create responsible solutions for myself and others

   

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into patterns of blame because I have accepted and allowed myself to follow others in what was being professed and/or dictated as authentic and/or just.  I realize my responsibility in researching and testing potentials for myself so that I can determine what is the best solution in common sense.  



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert and diffuse myself into patterns of evasion in the belief that if I just avoid a problem someone else can deal with it who knows better than I, and so I will be able to evade my responsibility towards creating the best solution for that problem.  I realize that through understanding the starting point and the goal of creating what is best for all, it is not necessary to avoid, evade, or fear problems, but to enjoy the process of creating inventive, specific, and rational solutions that work best for all.