Day 385 - Collective

March 16

Walked around town.  Fired my bow a little.  Bought some new undies.  Egg rolls for dinner.  Delicious.  Idea to create concrete sculptures.  Start with little bald figures (pinterest), then move up to a Japanese lantern.  Maybe I could sell something or at least make my garden look cool.  Meta-kaolin, Silica fume, and acrylic bonding agent. 

Feeling of loneliness on Saturdays typically.  Memory of being ignored by my father as a child.  Quite a disconnect, as if I was insufficient, unworthy, nothing to offer.  Seems strange and ironic that now as an adult, I have no one to spend time with.  It seems that without money, your life is nigh worthless.  To be taken with a grain of salt of course, as I have disassociated myself from others and/or not pursued any relationships due to my own inner strife and disdain of the systems , so not to place blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold disdain for the systems and in so doing, deny myself supportive relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through resentment towards others and in so doing limit my growth potential and expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise others based on their level of programming within the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not immediately recognizing their programming and changing their behavior for the better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose patience with others and so mentally play out my anger in order to win the argument in my head so that I can feel better about myself rather than finding a solution that works best for all parties involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own expansion out of self interest as distracting myself from what needs to be addressed, researched, understood, planned out and physically accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of loneliness.  In experiencing this feeling, I recognize the silver lining that our reality is not automatically conducive to understanding each others inner needs, and as such, we must all come to a place where we are proactive in our living experience, so that all is realized for what it really is, and changed so that no false pretense exists, and that all may become part of a collective unity.