March 4
I had a friend who told me a story of how someone he knew was slightly molested by their guidance councilor. This caused me to think twice about getting guidance, along with the fact I really didn't trust that our schools guidance councilor had any idea what he was doing. My parents were of little help in that department, and I moved out relatively early due to relationship issues. When it came to choosing what to do in life, I really had no idea what or where or how. I took a couple years to decide after high school and went tree planting in B.C. It was a very cool adventure and had its fair share of learning experiences. When I finally decided to go to college, one of the courses I wanted to choose was being taken by a guy I really didn't like at all, needless to say I didn't end up taking that course. I felt as though I would have been good at computer programming, but the courses for that were full at the time. So feeling the crunch (as I had missed the sign-up date the previous year) I chose a networking course which wasn't exactly what I wanted, but at least it was something. That course was somewhat interesting, although grossly convoluted with useless information, but eventually it did help me land a good paying job. Ten years later, I was transferred and ended up losing my position due to being placed with a boss that didn't really like me for whatever reason.
A year or two later, I went back to college for a building construction course, which I felt was a necessary change of atmosphere partly because I felt my computer skills were obsolete, and partly because I felt I needed to be outside more. I did not fully account for the difficulties of the switch in careers, which was significant to say the least.
After I finished the course, the transition into the workplace was quite rough. I worked with one guy who didn't pay me for close to 3 months of work. I went to court and won the case, however there was no enforcement of the law, and after two years in court, I got only one check from him, leaving close to three thousand in balance owing. I worked for another company who didn't pay me for 3 weeks of work, for which I opened a case with the labor board at the time, and they politely filed it with the other complaints against this company and nothing ever happened. After a couple more short term employment mishaps, and going back to a minimum wage job with no benefits whatsoever, I finally decided to try running my own business. I remember that day feeling really good about my decision. It was very tough at first, but there was a lot of learning without anyone for a teacher, hence some difficult experiences, but I was getting it done and enjoying the challenges for the most part. At least it was better than not getting paid at all, although that happened a few times, teaching me to be more direct and specific about the contracts I make. My estimating was terrible, and often I would be doing jobs taking twice as long as what I had originally accounted for. This happened over, and over, and over. It seemed that no matter what, I could not learn my lesson of underestimating the amount of time involved. So financially it takes a toll over time if things don't add up. At least I have all of that experience behind me now.
I now see the importance of having a niche, however I don't have a niche, and I prefer a change. I have been extremely fortunate to be able to survive all of the injuries, pit falls, and potential disasters in this industry. I am in significant debt which has greatly hindered my social/relationship development, perhaps it is for the better. I have survived this far, so with all that experience, I think I need to have a team, (as well as a niche) however that is easier said than done. I need to keep moving and working hard, and estimating things properly. I need to keep advertising and stay healthy. Being single with no support is a significant risk in this industry. I put my back out 2 times in the past month, however the job is moving slowly in the winter so I have had time to recover. My spleen has been giving me slight pains, so I suspect my marijuana use has to slow considerably or stop altogether. Should be an interesting summer. At least my vehicle is working, although I think a trailer would be fairly helpful. There must be an easier way. The current job is going fairly well, and I am grateful for the opportunity to take responsibility to work for myself again. I wonder what I would have been doing had I sought out proper guidance earlier in my life.
Marijuana influencing spleen recovery, anxiety/stress notice in right ear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated by exuberance, I realize exuberance is a form of beauty within celebration and thus unacceptable
given the collective state
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deny my primal nature in favor of a delusional ego identity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in naivety towards what is real and necessary to stand as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from sharing my spiritual realizations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions and judgments of others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the use of imagination in order to see other options in finding ways around obstacles
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my focus on the objective in favor of fear and self interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to humiliation, shame, and ridicule as opposed to changing to correct myself in a way that is best for myself and all life.
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