Day 237

A few weeks ago I had a mild cold, which only held me back for a day or two from work.  Shortly after that I began noticing my existing symptoms of nausea (which I had been experiencing for a number of weeks already) and they seemed to be residing within my chest area.  I was uncertain as to the cause/source of this, and strangely it would be most prevalent in the morning and taper off in the afternoon.  As the symptoms became worse, I found I could no longer work.  This threw a wrench into all the plans and scheduling I had made in the weeks prior to this and so not only was I off work for a couple of weeks, I was out all the plans I had made and also behind in setting up new appointments for the weeks following.  

With this odd sickness and my uncertainty as to the cause and severity, I anticipated the worst case scenario as the symptoms somewhat resembled an episode of a sickness I had acquired just over a year ago - carbon monoxide poisoning.  The carbon monoxide poisoning caused all kinds of terrible symptoms and a month of living hell for which I am lucky to be alive, as many people die from this every year all over the world.

So in this time of reflection I have taken note of a number of points within myself which must be addressed.

1.  I have expectations as to how I believe my process will go, and then when things do not go according to how I expected them to go and go ill - such as the case of my nausea - I have a tendency to give up.  This giving up is within the belief that the current circumstance is the result of my past - and in so I judge myself as having failed myself.  Within that I lose all motivation and no longer have any desire to push resistances, preferring to accept my fate as it is.

2.  In this giving up, points of frustration arise from various thoughts, reflections and self-judgments - what        should I have done - what I should have accomplished - why did I not do things differently etc.  This brings into view the 'not so pretty' picture of who I have allowed myself to become and the fear of being stuck in this state of self-dishonesty.

I notice that when things are going well - money, health, direction etc - that I am over-confident.  Conversely when things are not going well, that I have tended to lose all confidence, preferring to sabotage myself in a form of self-punishment.  This punishment is the pattern that has played out throughout my life, where it has stood in place of finding the solution for myself - because I never conceived that a solution was possible - I always just accepted the fact that if I fail at something or fear to do something, I must punish myself in reflecting to others my frustration and anger so that they will feel sorry for me and change how they are living.   So there is blame within this, and me trying to punish others through punishing myself.  

Why does self-honesty seem superficial?  It seems strange to stand Equal because I fear the judgments of others - fear of being labelled as egotistical, fear of being inconsiderate, fear of revealing myself as who I am, as it is somewhat shameful.  Perhaps I fear losing my personality, perhaps I have not developed enough trust in myself yet to realize when/how to apply and express myself and when/how I am suppressing myself.

This whole point of me wanting to change others is out of line because my priority must first be changing myself.

I realize I have not changed my physical to stand in complete self-honesty yet.  I do desire to stand Equal to myself and my words yet it appears that I am still allowing myself to be controlled by the whims of others - fearing the reactions and judgments of others - as well as fearing taking responsibility and forcing myself to move and change myself - self-discipline.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations as to how my process would go, and within realization that it is not going 'that way', I participated in the pattern of giving up.  I realize this pattern is a cover for self-sabotage and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have failed myself in self-judgement.  I realize that this idea of failure is the pre-programmed design in which we train ourselves to suppress ourselves in the acceptance of a competitive based system rather than living and applying the principle of sharing and self-forgiveness - this idea of failure is therefore unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck in self-dishonesty and so continuing to go in circles in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am compromising and sabotaging myself through self-punishment which I have learned through society and my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding myself and learning to trust myself  in stopping myself from being controlled by fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get discouraged with myself to the extent that I believe I must punish and sabotage myself in getting revenge against myself as a proxy to getting revenge on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by sabotaging and punishing myself that I am able to escape consequence and my responsibility to stand within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself through fearing my situation, fearing death and diminishment.  I realize that giving up is futile and not a valid option as it is only a game I play in which I believe that I can try to escape myself momentarily, and so use that time as a justification to go into feelings of regret, blame and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor myself through self-punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

I commit myself to push through the desire to give up within the realization that giving up is futile and only self-harming, and therefore of no benefit to anyone including myself. 

Day 236

So it would appear that I have a slight motivational problem yet I am unsure of the source, so more investigative writing going back into the point and how it started.  So I was feeling upset with things in my life, as the realization is here every day of the problems which seem to be only getting worse.  So the point came up that I am not motivated because I am 'stuck' in a number of problem to which I do not readily have the answer, and to which I am uncertain of the outcome or how I should go about it.  It's quite foolish that I get stuck in these things, and so want to do other things in avoiding the problem (hoping it will solve itself in time) when if I just brainstorm a bit to find a solution, then perhaps I can resolve it on my own.  I think the problem comes from learned behavior of my childhood.  I can recall not wanting to do homework and schoolwork, as I did not care about getting good grades.  So within the education system, I trained myself to deny my responsibilities in a way because I was able to get away with it without seeing any significant consequence.   I  trained myself to procrastinate, and trained myself to be rebellious to the system, contriving ways that I could 'just get by', as I really was not interested in schoolwork whatsoever.

So coming back to the problem of no motivation, as me just wanting to do everything in the last minute I realize that it really causes problems for me and compounds issues that really should not be that big of a deal.  I have to find ways to motivate and discipline myself, which seems very difficult at the moment – a big change.   I have to realize that if I do not find a way to motivate myself, the situations get worse and problems create frustration and anger and all kinds of more problems.  I have created a situation where because I did not take responsibility in the past to create for myself something rewarding that is stable and that I would really enjoy, now I have the consequence to deal with for that, which is really not cool.  This on top of this constant vendetta my mind has on me where I have to constantly seek revenge on myself for what I allowed in my past.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I hate working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money to advertise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing resistances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and spite myself through neglect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through procrastination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to search for a solution to my problem, but prefer to allow them to accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting too much money on gas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear overcharging people for estimates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make the wrong decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going broke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my house and my vehicle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that gas prices will become too expensive for me to work and do business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world and so want to take that out on myself through denying myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to take out a vendetta against myself because of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to foresee a goal and a plan that would be effective in allowing myself to be productive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn how to discipline myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself for my past.

Day 235 - Complaining Character

Looking at this character of myself who complains.  The type of complaining that is not assisting or supporting, but making excuses for myself and pitying myself as if to desire that 'such and such an event' did not happen.  I have experienced this at times when speaking with others regarding how things are going with work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the complaining character in my mind where I wish things did/did not happen rather than take responsibility for what has happened in the past and realize the consequence was created through me allowing fear to direct and control me and thus me not taking responsibility to stand Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on the future in expecting things to turn out in a certain way based on my internal judgement of how I perceive things should turn out.  I realize that I must embrace all of myself as what is here as me and in that, accept the physical consequences that manifest and work with them to create a solution and prevent further ill consequence from being created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a diversion - which supports my secret world of self-interest, rather than facing the actual points within myself as to why certain consequences are happening in my life, which if I were to face these points, it would assist me to develop self-discipline within myself so that I could (to the extent I am able) avert much negative consequences in my life, and thus the lives of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a form of blaming situations, people, or organizations rather than taking responsibility within the realization that I am responsible to change myself and stop blaming within myself.

I commit myself to change myself within speaking to others to become Aware of when I am in 'complaining character' and so direct myself to look at the point in self-honesty to see where I am not taking responsibility within myself to direct myself and discipline myself.

I commit myself to stop all complaining, unless I am specifically directing a point of complaint in a way that is constructive in supporting realization in myself and others as to living solutions as what is Best for All.

I commit myself to address any points of internal conversations in my mind where I sense myself complaining to myself - so that I can direct those thoughts to see what complaining is hiding within myself and what points I am not facing within myself.