Day 179

As an outflow of my recent discovery and awareness of the extent to which I had denied myself in the past, the realization prompted numerous reactionary responses - as me distrusting myself/fearing myself/extensive self-judgement of myself/feeling guilty and not wanting to face the consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. This was compounded with the belief in my mind that I did not know how to place myself, as I did not seem to 'fit in' anywhere because of the fact that I am so far out of alignment with myself. I do not see how I can practically resolve the issues, as many attempts at resolution have failed/backfired/or simply been insufficient as of late.

Work has been slow/non-existent over the winter, so I came up with the plan to avoid the stress of the situation through playing world of warcraft - which I enjoyed, as I had defined that experience as 'the most fun I had in my life' (a limited definition and justification, I realize). It felt right at the time and was a welcome, yet temporary, relief from the anxiety of the situation. Not wanting to face my problems in a nutshell, and so allowing them to get the best of me.

The invisibility of the solution is not a valid justification I realize, as the step by step process is a means of developing self-trust and self-honesty, despite the fact that all efforts appear to be in vain, the problems and consequences that are here remain self-evident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having failed myself in the past, and then use that judgement as a justification to resent/condemn/avoid facing myself and my problems/responsibilities that are here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to myself can be found in neglecting myself and avoiding the issues at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent/judge the process in the desire to avoid facing myself and taking responsibility for myself and what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I do not see the solution and use that as an excuse to not make a decision and face my problems in the fear that whatever I decide is doomed to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent/fear the money system and so use it as an excuse as to why I cannot take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to play WoW and so seek to play as much as humanly possible in acting with response to that fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my situation for my situation and so perpetuate an undesirable situation through blaming rather than taking responsibility and changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up on myself through awareness of the reality of the situation and so creating/projecting/giving in to self-imposed systems of fear.