Day 419 - Further Explanation

 Saturday September 5, 2020

To expand on my issues, In an attempt to survive and gain acceptance from myself and others, (throughout much of my life) I have in part created myself within a mental hero construct, living out fantasies of being a hero in some way or other, thinking myself better than others without realizing the complete picture of who I really was as a physical being.  I believed myself better mostly because I could clearly see how foolish and devious everyone seemed to be acting, and in many ways that was accurate, not that I am better, but there are many foolish and deceived people in this world.  When I began seeing my own deceptions and foolish behavior, it hit me quite hard, and not realizing the point of self forgiveness, at times it lead to extensive self judgment, self suppression, and rage because I knew something just wasn't right within myself.   In hindsight, it is easy to understand why I had so many random and sudden outbursts. 

There were a few real heart crushing moments I can recall where I made a complete, and I mean a COMPLETE fool of myself, only to be left with the realization that I had just been a total selfish and inconsiderate dumb-ass, and there was no conceivable recourse to correct the problem.  This caused me to become extremely angry with myself and others.  I had turned harshly against my parents, despising them for how things played out, so I was basically alone with all of this inner turmoil and no grounds for really knowing myself or trusting myself for that matter - which ultimately led me to religion, as it seemed to be the only answer I could come up with.  Little did I know that while it would make me feel better for a while, it would fail to accurately address the real issues I had hidden deep within myself, and that was a real problem.   As those experiences accumulated, I trusted myself less and less, and suppressed myself more and more.   I now realize how self forgiveness can be useful in re-creating and correcting such disastrous memories so that I can let them go and move on with what is left of my life.