Wednesday, 2 September 2020

Day 418 - An Astrological Explanation

Wednesday September 2, 2020

I was pushing myself in an effort to do something which I thought was good, in a sense I was forcing myself, and in seeing problems starting to manifest, I blew a fuse, but not just one, it was a series of fuses as a massive avalanche of problems came crashing in from all sides including past, present, and future projections.  There were problems after problems of compounding issues, including unknown issues which I simply could not assess nor find the starting points, thus determining the necessary corrections for all of the points was simply out of the question.   I needed time, and I came to the conclusion that it was best that I do it on my own - because that way I could be certain that it was me doing it for myself from all that I had learned without distraction.   I do not deny that I did judge myself extensively, and in doing so thought it would be best that I do not influence others in a negative way and cause even more problems.  Looking back, there were clearly some poor decisions.

Part of the problem was not understanding my own design, from an astrological perspective, there is a considerable amount of fire in my chart, which can have a tendency to translate into 'fiery outbursts' which if one has not disciplined oneself effectively enough into establishing a temperate and stable state of being, can manifest serious problems.    This has played out on many occasions in my life, often with disastrous results.   Temperance has been a unnecessarily long process.  The 'Fire' point is compounded by my ascendant ruler (Jupiter) being in conjunction with Neptune, which translates into my life's direction having a drive towards something epic combined with the fascination with the mystical, ethereal aspects of Neptune, which would explain my obsession with the fantasy genre.  This is not a bad thing in itself, however when this fascination is funneled into a mental reality and not brought through into a physical manifestation, it manifests as a form of disillusionment, un-fulfillment, depression, self devaluation, and despair.  This issue is further compounded by these two planets being in a T-square with my Moon opposite Venus, dealing with and/or triggering conflicting emotions and issues dealing with self image.  To make matters even more complex, I have another T-square in my chart between Mars, Uranus, and the Sun.  Mars being in the first house dealing with self tied to Uranus opposite the Sun, translating to the point that I can be suddenly and strongly triggered through points relating to my ego.  In essence, my design is a hidden powder keg.  Not to say that others do not have their own significant design challenges as we all do, this is just and explanation for reference sake. 

One of the most difficult points I have had to face in my life, is the point of resentment towards myself (and others) because I did not understand myself, or get to know myself, or my potential.  I followed a pattern of evasion, partially because of the problems listed above, but also because I judged people in the world as evil - as opposed to actively introspecting myself and seeing what I could do to face and solve my problems for myself.  That simply did not occur to me.  Looking back, it was a real trap, because (largely influenced by early religious training) I judged my own expansion as a progression only towards evil and greed, thus what was the point?  My idea of the all knowing, all understanding, all merciful God was the only solution I could conceive of,  thus until I could determine exactly what my responsibility entailed, the best I could do was evade everything which I saw as evil in this world, which was almost everything.  I am not attempting to excuse my problems, but rather lay them out so that I can address and change myself in a way that can benefit all.     

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