Day 407 - Desires

 Saturday August 22, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of sexual desires based on the desire for energy, superiority, self validation, power, and control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate in thoughts of lust and desires that there will  be nothing for me to do and I will become a zombie and/or become bored to death.  I realize that I must apply myself in writing and self forgiveness and self honesty until such a point as I can trust myself to further expand my awareness and so become more effective in creating change in myself and my world and reality  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative reaction within myself when seeing two girls at the beach that I thought would be fun to hang out with yet declined out of instability, and uncertainty of outcome 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to digress from realizing how I can be most effective and what is critically necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with and towards sex as seeing it as a solution and/or means to rid myself of my desires for an energetic experience as well as my desire to please another - which opens the following point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strongly desire to please and/or give a feeling of satisfaction to another in such a way that I would validate my own self worth through the act of giving my physical energy to another so that they could experience a 'high' and 'blissful' energetic experience - as if I were to throw a person into the air so that they may feel weightless for a moment - so giving me the feeling that I am the one with the power to grant others blissful experiences, thus solidifying myself as the superior in the relationship because I was so 'heroic' as to humbly sacrifice myself in order that another might have energetic bliss.  I realize that this is a subtly subversive superiority complex designed to maintain a hierarchical structure of the mind thus perpetuating the problem in cycles of enslavement to energetically based constructs, and therefore not the solution to and for myself or others.  Within that there is a compounded conflicting element of a projected idea of simplistic joyful physical participation which could potentially exist were I to direct myself into that potentiality, which would require substantial self trust - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of self trust to the extent that I can walk out/live out my honest self expression within principle, thus seeing all ends and remaining stable within myself.