Day 407 - Desires

 Saturday August 22, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of sexual desires based on the desire for energy, superiority, self validation, power, and control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate in thoughts of lust and desires that there will  be nothing for me to do and I will become a zombie and/or become bored to death.  I realize that I must apply myself in writing and self forgiveness and self honesty until such a point as I can trust myself to further expand my awareness and so become more effective in creating change in myself and my world and reality  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative reaction within myself when seeing two girls at the beach that I thought would be fun to hang out with yet declined out of instability, and uncertainty of outcome 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to digress from realizing how I can be most effective and what is critically necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with and towards sex as seeing it as a solution and/or means to rid myself of my desires for an energetic experience as well as my desire to please another - which opens the following point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strongly desire to please and/or give a feeling of satisfaction to another in such a way that I would validate my own self worth through the act of giving my physical energy to another so that they could experience a 'high' and 'blissful' energetic experience - as if I were to throw a person into the air so that they may feel weightless for a moment - so giving me the feeling that I am the one with the power to grant others blissful experiences, thus solidifying myself as the superior in the relationship because I was so 'heroic' as to humbly sacrifice myself in order that another might have energetic bliss.  I realize that this is a subtly subversive superiority complex designed to maintain a hierarchical structure of the mind thus perpetuating the problem in cycles of enslavement to energetically based constructs, and therefore not the solution to and for myself or others.  Within that there is a compounded conflicting element of a projected idea of simplistic joyful physical participation which could potentially exist were I to direct myself into that potentiality, which would require substantial self trust - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of self trust to the extent that I can walk out/live out my honest self expression within principle, thus seeing all ends and remaining stable within myself.  

Day 406 - Financial Relationships

 Friday August 21, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe scenarios in my life experience are potentially too good to be true, and so I decline and digress from directing myself in my highest potential out of suspicion within the context of being too good to be true.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by relationship to money within the idea that I am too humble and considerate (not wasteful) and thus unworthy of handling money.  I realize that money is an extension of myself as what I have accepted and allowed within this world system as myself therefore I must not allow myself to be controlled by false associations with regards to money and financial responsibility. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money and my relationship to money in the fear that money would corrupt me and cause me to go into greed consciousness and so ruin my life.  I realize that the starting point of myself is to create myself within and as the principle of best for all life, therefore money is simply a means of enabling my growth, expansion, and expression of myself within that objective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to money, giving myself value according to the (lack of) amount of money I have within my personal bank system and balance statement.  I realize that this value is volatile, unstable, and a completely inaccurate valuation of who I am as an equal being within existence.  I also realize that valuing/devaluing myself according to my financial statement is detrimental to my growth and expansion and thus detrimental to my process and consequentially others process's as a whole. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get more value from items through trying desperately to get items at sale or discounted prices.  I realize that this at times causes me to make poor buying decisions based on fear and trying to save money rather than choosing what is the best solution suited to the circumstance or necessity  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by powerlessness as a result of suppression and inner rage based on my past failures and resulting lack of participation.  I realize that the best I can do is to build myself up in confidence and walking self trust so that I may establish myself again as a living example of self responsibility towards myself and the world at large.  

Day 405 - Repetition

April 7

Thanks all.  Played some dota today.  Cleaned up a little.  Watched a documentary.  Didn't get much else accomplished really.  Had a really cool idea last night of creating a virtual community, however there is still the obstacle of my inner frustrations and reluctance to share openly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become inwardly frustrated and so allow those frustrations to direct and control how I direct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself and others, preferring to distrust and doubt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself based on my past experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself and my goals that need to be addressed and achieved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread my future rather than explore what options I have and work to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed and judged by others and suppress myself as a result

Day 404 - Sustainability

April 6


Considering starting a virtual Utopian society for the community.  Many ideas and much research attached to this.  Concentrating on stability, sustainability, and growth for future.

Realizing through my past I have had a subconscious fears of power.  Compounding the fact was the point that I feared that that would be seen as a weakness, which actually created a weakness in myself as I did not address or correct the point.  So now it has played out over many years forming into a construct. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear power in all its manifestations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing the fact that this (fear of power) construct was within myself – because I believed that it would make me less than, or unworthy.   Rather than see it as a weakness , I see it for what it is and deal with it so as to not compound the problem further.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my problems and so isolate and condemn myself in shame without realizing that I am not alone and we are all responsible for all manifestations of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate these issues effectively so that others could assist in the deconstruction
and finding a solution. 

Day 403 - Missed opportunities

April 5

Was feeling a lack of energy again this morning.  Feeling better now.  What a shame to look back on my life and realize that I existed in fear of that which was not real, and it prevented me from being true to myself in doing things that would have been quite awesome.  Instead now I face points of regret.  There is also the other side of the coin, in hindsight had I not been deceived by those fears, perhaps I would have made some other decisions that would have also produced feelings of regret.  There seems to be a point of ill contentment, although it seems minor in the light of other problems. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by feelings of regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fears that were not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and so miss out on opportunities that would have been awesome to experience

Day 402 - Disempowered

April 4

Got some taping done today.  Felt a bit low on energy, but pushed through as it wasn't that difficult.  Bought some candles.  Played some dota.  Grateful for my health, although a bit concerned, as if I encounter any difficulties I don't really have anyone to assist. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim and so dis-empower myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my time effectively as the best that I am able to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what is required to be done so that I can be more effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take revenge against myself for all of the 'injustices' I have experienced in this lifetime and before

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that revenge against myself is against all existence as myself and does not solve the problem of ego mind

Day 401 - Huge house dream

April 1

Dream
I was swimming in a pool with a bunch of friends.  Later in the day, one of them invited me over to where he was going to stay the night.  We got there and the place was gigantic, bigger than any mansion I have ever seen.  There was a pool there as well with a bunch of people jumping in and swimming in it.  I slept for a bit in my dream, then realized I had to go, so I told my friend and he accompanied me to go find the owner of the house.  We had to go for a jog the house was so big.  At that point it became lucid, and I was imagining who the owner was and what we would find along the way. 


Feeling
Rage – At times I feel this very strongly. It is as though it is lurking in the depths of my subconscious mind, just waiting for the right moment to pounce and create a world of compounded problems for me.  Temperance helps in the short term but it is only a band aid, not the solution. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by subconscious and conscious rage as a feeling based on desire for revenge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that revenge and rage is the solution to correcting myself and changing to stand as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that temperance is necessary in directing myself in communication and expression with others so as to not trigger reactions in myself or others.