Day 405 - Repetition

April 7

Thanks all.  Played some dota today.  Cleaned up a little.  Watched a documentary.  Didn't get much else accomplished really.  Had a really cool idea last night of creating a virtual community, however there is still the obstacle of my inner frustrations and reluctance to share openly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become inwardly frustrated and so allow those frustrations to direct and control how I direct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself and others, preferring to distrust and doubt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself based on my past experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself and my goals that need to be addressed and achieved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread my future rather than explore what options I have and work to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed and judged by others and suppress myself as a result

Day 404 - Sustainability

April 6


Considering starting a virtual Utopian society for the community.  Many ideas and much research attached to this.  Concentrating on stability, sustainability, and growth for future.

Realizing through my past I have had a subconscious fears of power.  Compounding the fact was the point that I feared that that would be seen as a weakness, which actually created a weakness in myself as I did not address or correct the point.  So now it has played out over many years forming into a construct. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear power in all its manifestations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing the fact that this (fear of power) construct was within myself – because I believed that it would make me less than, or unworthy.   Rather than see it as a weakness , I see it for what it is and deal with it so as to not compound the problem further.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my problems and so isolate and condemn myself in shame without realizing that I am not alone and we are all responsible for all manifestations of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate these issues effectively so that others could assist in the deconstruction
and finding a solution. 

Day 403 - Missed opportunities

April 5

Was feeling a lack of energy again this morning.  Feeling better now.  What a shame to look back on my life and realize that I existed in fear of that which was not real, and it prevented me from being true to myself in doing things that would have been quite awesome.  Instead now I face points of regret.  There is also the other side of the coin, in hindsight had I not been deceived by those fears, perhaps I would have made some other decisions that would have also produced feelings of regret.  There seems to be a point of ill contentment, although it seems minor in the light of other problems. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by feelings of regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fears that were not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and so miss out on opportunities that would have been awesome to experience

Day 402 - Disempowered

April 4

Got some taping done today.  Felt a bit low on energy, but pushed through as it wasn't that difficult.  Bought some candles.  Played some dota.  Grateful for my health, although a bit concerned, as if I encounter any difficulties I don't really have anyone to assist. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim and so dis-empower myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my time effectively as the best that I am able to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what is required to be done so that I can be more effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take revenge against myself for all of the 'injustices' I have experienced in this lifetime and before

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that revenge against myself is against all existence as myself and does not solve the problem of ego mind

Day 401 - Huge house dream

April 1

Dream
I was swimming in a pool with a bunch of friends.  Later in the day, one of them invited me over to where he was going to stay the night.  We got there and the place was gigantic, bigger than any mansion I have ever seen.  There was a pool there as well with a bunch of people jumping in and swimming in it.  I slept for a bit in my dream, then realized I had to go, so I told my friend and he accompanied me to go find the owner of the house.  We had to go for a jog the house was so big.  At that point it became lucid, and I was imagining who the owner was and what we would find along the way. 


Feeling
Rage – At times I feel this very strongly. It is as though it is lurking in the depths of my subconscious mind, just waiting for the right moment to pounce and create a world of compounded problems for me.  Temperance helps in the short term but it is only a band aid, not the solution. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by subconscious and conscious rage as a feeling based on desire for revenge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that revenge and rage is the solution to correcting myself and changing to stand as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that temperance is necessary in directing myself in communication and expression with others so as to not trigger reactions in myself or others.