As an outflow of my
recent discovery and awareness of the extent to which I had denied
myself in the past, the realization prompted numerous reactionary responses -
as me distrusting myself/fearing myself/extensive self-judgement of
myself/feeling guilty and not wanting to face the consequence of what
I have accepted and allowed myself to become. This was compounded
with the belief in my mind that I did not know how to place myself,
as I did not seem to 'fit in' anywhere because of the fact that I am
so far out of alignment with myself. I do not see how I can
practically resolve the issues, as many attempts at resolution have
failed/backfired/or simply been insufficient as of late.
Work has been
slow/non-existent over the winter, so I came up with the plan to
avoid the stress of the situation through playing world of warcraft -
which I enjoyed, as I had defined that experience as 'the most fun I
had in my life' (a limited definition and justification, I realize).
It felt right at the time and was a welcome, yet temporary, relief
from the anxiety of the situation. Not wanting to face my problems
in a nutshell, and so allowing them to get the best of me.
The invisibility of the
solution is not a valid justification I realize, as the step by step
process is a means of developing self-trust and self-honesty, despite
the fact that all efforts appear to be in vain, the problems and
consequences that are here remain self-evident.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having failed
myself in the past, and then use that judgement as a justification to
resent/condemn/avoid facing myself and my problems/responsibilities
that are here.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to
myself can be found in neglecting myself and avoiding the issues at
hand.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to blame/resent/judge the process in
the desire to avoid facing myself and taking responsibility for
myself and what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I do not see
the solution and use that as an excuse to not make a decision and
face my problems in the fear that whatever I decide is doomed to
fail.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to resent/fear the money system and
so use it as an excuse as to why I cannot take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to play WoW
and so seek to play as much as humanly possible in acting with
response to that fear.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to blame my situation for my
situation and so perpetuate an undesirable situation through blaming
rather than taking responsibility and changing myself.
I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up on myself
through awareness of the reality of the situation and so
creating/projecting/giving in to self-imposed systems of fear.
