Day 416 - Gratitude

 Monday August 31, 2020

Contemplating some of the things in life I am currently grateful for;

Pickleball

Self restraint

Self direction

Starcraft

Health

Support

Realization

Forgiveness

Dentists

Groceries

House

Rabbit

Alone time

Communication

Awareness

Vehicle

Strength

Silk Road Documentary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all of the people, places, and things that have come together to create my life and all that I have come  to experience.  I consider it a precious and profound gift beyond my minds ability to conceive, of just how much ancestral evolution and suffering of this planet of plants, insects, fish, animals, and mankind which has brought us to the arrival of this critical point in our collective history.  And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing all of this to go on in chaos when the solution to life has at last been discovered, and so is here for us all.  To live by one principle in common sense, as what is best for all life.    

Day 415 - Speaking

 Sunday August 30, 2020

Received a sweet proposition, and declined of course.  Seeing the end of that road as dreadful.  Cooked potato salad and Kraft dinner today.   Went for a short bike ride, sat at the beach alone for half an hour.   Did the dishes, cleaned the rabbit cage and let her outside for a bit.  David Ike speech was interesting.  Big changes ahead for everyone, anxiety is understandable.   Watched some Starcraft matches and played some games.    Played a game of clue last night with some neighbors.  My mouth ran off a little as I was attempting to explain some occult plots to them.  I see there is potentially some doubt within myself as I try to get people to understand rather than just speaking myself.  Its as if I dont believe my own words so I have to get them to believe so that I can validate my personality as being more intelligent, more wise, and deeper in understanding which understandably can be seen as a condescending. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself through speaking and trying to force others to believe me in order to validate my personality complex within the desire to be better than through knowledge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spew off words without actually standing as the words that I am speaking from the starting point of being here equal and one with myself as all.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be driven by the desire to convey knowledge to others through speaking in an effort to bolster my personalities as wise, intelligent, and profoundly well educated.  I realize the solution to this problem is to speak slowly and more carefully within the consideration that others will not understand regardless, and my own walking and speaking should be first priority so that I can be direct with myself and through that it will come naturally to others.  

Day 414 - Dreams and Anger

Saturday August 29, 2020

Dream 1

I was ordering food at a foreign pizza place.  The people were of eastern origin, like Indonesian or Indian.  I was asking how much the pizza was, and the guy selling responded by showing me a box of change.  I took some out and gave him a toonie, but it did not seem right.   There were a bunch of people around and no one was social distancing which was fine by me.  The man then came out with a large pepperoni pizza for everyone to have a slice.  There were  some young people there as well who did not really care or understand about the whole covid situation. 

I see the point of the value of money has been ingrained for a long time as being based on a systematic valuation which is now changing as is how we value goods, people, and service.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the fear of lack complex through attributing a false systematized financial value to that which is presented here as myself.  I realize that I must do my part in contributing to the value of life itself through my participation and contribution.   

Dream 2

I was working for a large global corporation driving with a fleet of trucks.  Our group got in an argument with some men over something, and the men acting in anger took a large forklift type machine and skewered our trucks.  I was thinking how they would have to pay for the damages through the legal system.  I then arrived at a movie theater.  On screen there was 2 men fighting, and one violently hit the other in the nose which made an notable sound.  Then the other man was on the floor and was being severely beaten so bad that his tongue began coming out of his mouth and I sensed that he was dying.  It was kind of gruesome.        

I see how blame plays out in different ways which can lead to acts of revenge and violence.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that revenge and violence is the solution.  I realize that there are different ways of addressing situations, and that firstly I must see the starting point of what is causing issues so that I may accurately assess what is the best course of action, rather than rashly lashing out in anger which could potentially be a false association which is likely to miss the point all together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can take revenge through a legal system imposed by a system of enslavement.  I realize that I must take responsibility for myself in dealing with issues that I myself have created.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of my resonance (while playing a computer game) where I get upset at some action that has taken place and immediately go into blame and anger.  I realize that despite the fact that it is just a game, it is still consequential and thus all of my reactions are relevant to what I have accepted and allowed, therefore I must take responsibility for myself in these moments to realize what I have done to create the issue, and how I can improve myself in my response to incidents that would normally provoke me to points of anger and frustration. 

Day 413 - Victimization

 Friday August 28, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a victim as a framework for beliefs that sabotage me walking my process of self discovery and self honesty 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for reasons of self judgment based on past events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive my past so that I can move from the present moment to create solutions to what is necessary to be created here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize others through my own inner victimization, in so that I have believed myself to be of no value, no worth because I have judged and condemned myself as a failure thus giving opportunity for me giving up on myself and allowing my mind to take directive principle in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to giving up as the use of a set of beliefs that I am unable to change myself and move forward with my process of self discovery  

Day 412 - Dream

 Thursday August 27, 2020

Dream

I was picked up by some men in a military vehicle.  We got into the back, there were about 5 or 6 of us.  They all had standard issue clothes with white shirts.  I was feeling slightly uncomfortable about the situation but said nothing.  We drove to a checkpoint, and when we passed it, there was a big sigh of relief from the soldiers, and one mentioned that it had been 18 months since he was able to leave the area we came from.  It was a strange contrast, him being relieved and myself feeling anxious.  One of the men began grabbing handfulls of snakes and moving them into a compartment in the truck, this was food for later apparently.  He tossed one of the snakes/large worms into my lap and I grabbed it having no reaction, 'cool' he said as he realized that I had no reaction and no fear.  We arrived at a large barracks which housed hundreds of military personnel all wearing standard attire.  As we walked through the open area there were men of all races and types set in small groups of 5-10 conversing among themselves.       

Felt tired today so had a few naps throughout the day.  Played pickleball this evening and had fun.   Surely there is more I can do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger to people who use their 'systemic authority' to arrogantly power trip over others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide relationships within my mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a life for myself that would have brought myself enjoyment and fulfillment.  I realize that this point needs to be investigated thoroughly so that I can determine how, when, and why I went wrong and what if anything can be done about the problem even though it is likely too late to change much, perhaps there is something I can do. 

Day 411 - Creating Self Trust

 Wednesday August 26, 2020

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become mesmerized by the manifestation and complexity of infinite designs within nature and consciousness.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evade responsibility in the context of uncertainty/lack of self trust within the point of communicating myself and sharing my process from the starting point of re-integration

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will inadvertently judge someone or say/post something offensive as an outflow of ego consciousness as opposed to me simply sharing myself and my experience within process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will lose track of myself and so become sidetracked or distracted and so cause others to go into judgment, fears, angers etc because of my fuck ups.  I realize that I must walk the point of self trust within myself as a practical application to the extent that I can see it through to physical movement breath by breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my own starting point of being here, unmoved by anything but the principle as what is best for all life

Day 410 - Dream Interpretation

 Tuesday August 25, 2020

Dream 1.   Gathering, acceptance

Dream 2.   I purposely entered - flew into - a massive, diamond shaped wind tunnel which led into the twin towers of the world trade center.  Fascinating.  Many well dressed elite people around.  I got onto a series of elevators which led to the top and deep into the heart of the building complex.  I saw how my intention was bent on smearing the backside of some of the 'elites' (with a yellow mustard type of substance) as a solution to correcting the world at large.   Perhaps it is a metaphor for political smearing, yet before actually going through with the plan, I refrained as I saw that the action would not have the effect which I had originally thought it would, and it would only complicate matters in fact.   Interpretation - I see the building as an element of me gaining access to a much larger dimension of myself, a political world-scene type of theater, which the accessing of which felt very much like child's play for me, as the audacious and forthright aspects of myself engaged the challenge at hand.   I realize how my initial entry onto the scene was somewhat oblivious to the complexity and extensive interconnected nature of the inner structure and workings of the building, perhaps expressed as a slight naivety, which has been a prevalent factor within aspects of my  personality designs in the past.   Naive enthusiasm leading to a change of plans, and interesting experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to solo existence as within the heroic construct believing that I can within vanity accomplish singly, that which must be accomplished by many.  I realize that my solo efforts are in fact vanity and ultimately of very little effect in relation to what can be done as part of a group.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be naive in my approach in selfishly attempting to take on massive tasks which require many to accomplish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that smearing others would have an effect of changing the world at large, when in fact it does very little and can actually do more harm than good due to inconsideration and acting out of fear, survival, and self interest. 

Day 409 - Physical Alignments

 Monday August 24, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into personalities when responding to people instead of slowing down my responses to speak words which are appropriate, specific, and address what is necessary to be addressed 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect sounding myself in taking directive principle for myself and exploring expanding my self expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect standing equal and one with my physical body in taking directive principle to birth myself as life in the physical through breathing and self forgiveness and corrective application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself points that are necessary to be addressed/seen/realized and understood regarding how I can move forward in my process of self honesty with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing more I can do to expand and grow myself within my process of self realization and self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant of how I can use my sound, beingness, and physical body to realize and understand myself more in order to advance myself in standing equal to the physical and developing self honesty with myself so that life may be born in the physical

Day 408 - Self Deception

 Sunday August 23, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my capacity to see dimensions of myself which would enable me to expand and grow in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect responsibility, not taking time to understand and realize what exactly is my responsibility and what that entails, what is the definition/meaning, and what is required for me to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in my relationship to what I have created as myself here in this reality, as when I observe myself in all dimensions possible, I see that I have been completely irresponsible, in a sense committing evil in trying to escape myself and my world in believing that to be the solution to myself in self interest and self pity.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the reality of the physical existence acting within and as an outflow of reactionary intelligence based in fear and self interest.  I realize I must change myself into the principle of life in every breath not directed or controlled by energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be something that I am not and so become a 'try hard' in attempting to get others to believe that I am something that I am not in order to gain acceptance from others thus validating my self definition through my conscious mind.  I realize that validation such as this is self deception and thus unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn myself in judging and defining myself as 'corrupt' or evil so that I could take revenge on myself for the feeling of humiliation through a mental projection of myself seeing myself as dis-empowered, less than and thus pitiful and unable to change myself, which is self deception.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the evil in this life in the realization that there is really nothing good here.  I embrace that fact and from this starting point I am able to move myself to the starting point of here and self creation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating myself as life here in each moment through living the principle of what is best for all of existence.  I realize that there is nothing to fear and that fear only continues to re-emerge until I face the fear and create myself as life here. 

Day 407 - Desires

 Saturday August 22, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of sexual desires based on the desire for energy, superiority, self validation, power, and control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate in thoughts of lust and desires that there will  be nothing for me to do and I will become a zombie and/or become bored to death.  I realize that I must apply myself in writing and self forgiveness and self honesty until such a point as I can trust myself to further expand my awareness and so become more effective in creating change in myself and my world and reality  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative reaction within myself when seeing two girls at the beach that I thought would be fun to hang out with yet declined out of instability, and uncertainty of outcome 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to digress from realizing how I can be most effective and what is critically necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with and towards sex as seeing it as a solution and/or means to rid myself of my desires for an energetic experience as well as my desire to please another - which opens the following point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strongly desire to please and/or give a feeling of satisfaction to another in such a way that I would validate my own self worth through the act of giving my physical energy to another so that they could experience a 'high' and 'blissful' energetic experience - as if I were to throw a person into the air so that they may feel weightless for a moment - so giving me the feeling that I am the one with the power to grant others blissful experiences, thus solidifying myself as the superior in the relationship because I was so 'heroic' as to humbly sacrifice myself in order that another might have energetic bliss.  I realize that this is a subtly subversive superiority complex designed to maintain a hierarchical structure of the mind thus perpetuating the problem in cycles of enslavement to energetically based constructs, and therefore not the solution to and for myself or others.  Within that there is a compounded conflicting element of a projected idea of simplistic joyful physical participation which could potentially exist were I to direct myself into that potentiality, which would require substantial self trust - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the development of self trust to the extent that I can walk out/live out my honest self expression within principle, thus seeing all ends and remaining stable within myself.  

Day 406 - Financial Relationships

 Friday August 21, 2020

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe scenarios in my life experience are potentially too good to be true, and so I decline and digress from directing myself in my highest potential out of suspicion within the context of being too good to be true.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by relationship to money within the idea that I am too humble and considerate (not wasteful) and thus unworthy of handling money.  I realize that money is an extension of myself as what I have accepted and allowed within this world system as myself therefore I must not allow myself to be controlled by false associations with regards to money and financial responsibility. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money and my relationship to money in the fear that money would corrupt me and cause me to go into greed consciousness and so ruin my life.  I realize that the starting point of myself is to create myself within and as the principle of best for all life, therefore money is simply a means of enabling my growth, expansion, and expression of myself within that objective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to money, giving myself value according to the (lack of) amount of money I have within my personal bank system and balance statement.  I realize that this value is volatile, unstable, and a completely inaccurate valuation of who I am as an equal being within existence.  I also realize that valuing/devaluing myself according to my financial statement is detrimental to my growth and expansion and thus detrimental to my process and consequentially others process's as a whole. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get more value from items through trying desperately to get items at sale or discounted prices.  I realize that this at times causes me to make poor buying decisions based on fear and trying to save money rather than choosing what is the best solution suited to the circumstance or necessity  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by powerlessness as a result of suppression and inner rage based on my past failures and resulting lack of participation.  I realize that the best I can do is to build myself up in confidence and walking self trust so that I may establish myself again as a living example of self responsibility towards myself and the world at large.