Day 188 - Dispelling the Delusions of Sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within myself for a sexual experience with another person, as seeing sex as something separate from myself - which I must apparently 'attain to' in order to achieve value for myself as a positive/good energetic feeling - a false ego-boost - a positive/good energetically charged feeling of accomplishment - and/or a positive/good energetically charged feeling of excitement. I realize that the positive energy experience of myself is used by the mind in attempt to cover-up/pacify the negative energy experience, which only results in the perpetuation of separation of myself as (+ -) energy, and thus self-delusion and enslavement. I realize that the definition of sex which I have accepted and allowed to be programmed into my mind throughout my life experience is not real – as it was specifically designed to keep me distracted, and chasing after the desire for experiences, rather than realizing the truth of who I am and my responsibility to stand Equal to myself and Life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to escape my responsibility to myself and my commitment to myself through chasing after the desire for a sexual experience - in the belief that I can release myself from the anxiety of life's problems through seeking/attaining a positively charged sexual relationship. I realize that this desire for a positively charged sexual experience - triggered by the mind - is a form of self-manipulation where I have defined the act of sex with another as simply 'enjoying myself', meanwhile not fully understanding 'who I really am' and thus not fully understanding 'what sex is' - I have neglected to see how the entire system is playing out within and as myself, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself, deny myself, and neglect seeing myself for 'who I really am' out of fear of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the 'fear of loss' system, where I have submitted myself to the fear of losing an opportunity to experience myself within a limited, predefined thought of myself, believing it to be the totality of 'who I am' when it is absolutely not. So within this belief, I have accepted and allowed my mind system of beliefs to direct and control me in seeking to fulfill this 'thought/fantasy' with justifications such as 'I will feel better' or I will have 'achieved something special' – when in actual physical reality, the positive energy feeling/excitement soon dissipates, and I all I have 'achieved' is the maintenance of the mind system which keeps me blinded and enslaved to chasing after positive feelings and fleeing from negative emotions. I realize that this form of self-denial accumulates, prolongs, and compounds consequence for myself and all, as I am fully aware that inevitably, I must face myself in self-honesty, and stop the enslavement of myself to false assumptions, delusional desires, and energetically charged feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after a moment of enjoyment, and so within seeking to accommodate a selfish desire, I am accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice of a vastly larger part of myself for a limited, and temporary experience of myself - as allowing myself to be the subject of pre-programmed mind desires, rather than taking responsibility to be self-directed and express myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that Life in this physical existence is the priority, as without Life in the physical, sex cannot exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with the words sex and love, limiting and defining them within the beauty and value systems, and so limiting and defining myself in self-dishonesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a high value on an experience of sex - defining it as the best possible experience I can have for myself, when in actuality, I realize that all moments must be Equalized as Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the belief that within the act of having sex I am doing something good by making another person feel good. I realize that this justification is another program designed to 'make me feel better about myself' in order to feed the mind with energy, and that each person must take responsibility for themselves to stop enslavement to Equalize and direct themselves as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sex as 'good' or 'bad' from the starting point of a morality based belief system, rather than assessing myself in self-honesty and self-intimacy, in order to determine and create myself as what is in fact, best for all.

I commit myself to stop all enslavement to energetically charged systems of the mind and so face myself in self-honesty in every moment so that I may stand Equal to myself in the physical as Life, here. 

Day 139 – Reason to Live

Woke up this morning and it occurred to me.  It’s Saturday.  I remember being a kid, Saturdays were so fun, I would get up in great anticipation and watch cartoons, and then enjoy my time playing with friends.  It seemed like an exciting adventure.

Today when I woke up, I realize I did not want to get up, because I have no personal desire or ‘reason’ to live.  Sure there are some mildly enjoyable moments, like eating, or writing, or watching a movie. I suppose sex and intimacy could be included, but that I have found to be brief, self-comforting medication only to pacify the greater issue.  All of the love in this world is used as a justification to remain in ignorance and not take responsibility.  The only thing there is to ‘gain’ in this world is selfish experiences… and that is not gain, it is denial and diminishment.  

When we realize how we have created ourselves in this world of the lifeless and selfish… all for profit, competition, and money -excitement, adventure, hopes, and fantasies we had of living, all fade, and are exposed for the false ideals that they were.

We are slaves to our own creation, as selfish desires and therefore we are completely subject to the horrible consequences of such.  Working and fighting merely to survive in hell.  No wonder I have to push myself to get out of bed.  My whole life I thought there was actually something to gain, which created excitement in me as energy, which I lived on as the fuel for the experience of myself.  Realizing the fallacy in this, what joy is there in living, as long as the rest of the world suffers and is enslaved?  Minimal at best.

I see why many people do not wish to face the truth of themselves, because if they did, then they would have to give up their energetic reason for living – as it is always self interest – and that does not serve the best interest of All to stop the abuse of life. 

Equal Money will change everything.

Day 65 - Embarrassment

Embarrassment is a subtle, and seemingly harmless construct, yet it is a crucial starting point to be aware of, as an acceptance and allowance of fear. In my fear of embarrassment, I hid from myself and denied myself physical expression. The more I can embrace situations that would typically be embarrassing, the more I am able to express myself in the physical, and free myself from the fear of myself.

How could I have been such a fool?  How could I have allowed myself to cower in fear of myself?  I cannot remember how it happened exactly from the start, however an example has come to mind...

When I was young, there was one evening where me and my 2 brothers were outside. Strangely, 3 girls came along. It was really weird, they were the same age as us, and the same height as the three of us - 1 tall, 1 medium height, and 1 short and younger.  I recall this experience, because we talked for a while, and I desperately wanted to get closer, and be more intimate with the tall girl (not sexually as I was too young for that at the time, around 12) .  I became quite uncomfortable in myself, as the blatantly obvious fact that I could not overcome my fears to express myself in front of everyone.  I was afraid of what would happen if I said something, what would my brothers think of me?  What if I embarrassed myself?  I didn't know what would happen. All of the justifications came up.  It was like I froze in submission - I refused to say what I felt, preferring to use anger as revenge for my own self-created frustration.  I recall the sinking feeling I had afterwords, the realization that I could not get past my own fears... eek.  Yet while I did not understand the full implications of what was at work, the self-dishonesty right in my face.

So suffice to say, no matter how subtle our fears manifested long ago, it is still no excuse to allow fears to rule over us - Fear is Fear, ego is ego, and dishonesty is dishonesty.  It is very clear cut when one truly looks into oneself.   At least I am able to understand now the implications and terrible consequences of not standing in absolute equality with myself as all.  Yet that is not enough, I must transcend all fear, and stop all dishonesty within myself, and change myself so that I can become equal in every way.  No exceptions and no excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower in fear, in the fear of myself, fearing the reactions of others - which is me being dishonest with myself in denying and trying to hide what is really going on inside me.  When what is going on within me is not equal to what is going on outside of myself, I stop and breathe, so that I can allow myself to see the consequences of what I am doing in self-honesty.  Is there a fear that I am not facing?  Is what I am participating in aligned with what is best for all?  Am I including or hiding my physical expression equal and one? Understanding that whatever consequences I create, I will have to face myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being embarrassed in front of others, not realizing that in allowing myself to fear embarrassment, I manifest more consequences that result in shame, humiliation, self-deception and abuse. I realize that embarrassment is submission to the mind as ego and false personality.  I am in a mind tantrum because I have not found the courage to face my fears, and so project that frustration onto an imaginary idea of myself where I can blame someone or something for my own failure to be self-honest with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to fear and be dishonest with myself, where I used justifications to try and escape myself in fear of what others would think - in so making myself a character in my mind, as less than the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as characters as a false image and idea of myself where I could play a game of hide and seek in my mind, enjoying the energetic rush to see who wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply and form relationships with the imaginary characters I created because they gave me a rush of energy that made me feel better - temporarily.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and consider the fact that the temporary good feelings NOT ONLY manifested bad feelings, but manifested my worst nightmare as the shameful and humiliating slow death and destruction of myself and that which gave me life - as the earth as the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to partake in the delusion of the living lie, creating myself as a lie and rejoicing in my own false creation - as opposed to living myself as the living word.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame onto an imaginary entity because I did not express myself. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anger and guilt and shame and more fear, in the realization that I was not able to overcome my fears and express myself in self honesty to myself and others.  

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that the extent of the delusion I was creating would cause tremendous harm and abuse of myself through accepting and allowing fear to be the controlling force that directed me - further and further into self-deception and away from the source of myself - until I became so completely lost to the extent that I did not even recognize myself or what I was doing to myself anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider that the source of all existence IS me, and if I do not align myself with source as what is best for all as me, then I am completely fucked, utterly.

I commit myself to reversing the manifested consequences of what I have accepted and allowed in the past through self-forgiveness and walking the self-correction.

I commit myself to face my fears through writing and applying what I have written in my daily participation in my life.

I commit myself to free myself from enslavement to fear - where I walk myself through the process of self-honesty in to being equal on the inside and the outside, where I do not accept and allow myself to fear shame and humiliation.

I commit myself to do whatever is necessary to assist myself and others in the process of self-realization, so that we can walk together as a group that supports life as Equality, as the best that it can possibly be for everyone... everyone that has the courage to be self-honest inside and out, equal and one, to become life in the face of fear.

Day 64 - Relaxing, Moments, Boredom and Excitement

Relaxing
Fear of slowing down/desire to go fast. Desire to live in self interest, as doing what I want for myself.  Defining responsibility as 'work'/slavery/drudgery within my mind and not being free to relax.  While relaxation exists within current consequence, as our physical bodies eventually require rest at some point in the day, relaxation can be an acceptance of neglect and ignorance. Through perceiving my life experience as 'long and arduous', relaxation can be a stimulus of the mind through the energetic charge in the positive polarity, where work is the negative.  Working has become slavery, rather than the act of giving myself, through and as self-responsibility and supporting all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed off the positive energy charge within and as the word 'relaxation' as seeing and defining relaxation as a stimulus point where I think of relaxation as a means of acquiring energy of the mind, as an escape from taking responsibility for myself as all in directing every breath.

I no longer accept and allow myself to participate in the energetic charge of the word relaxation, as seeing it as a positive stimulus to charge the energy systems of the mind, but rather change myself to see that relaxation - when rest is not actually necessary for the physical body - is an acceptance of ignorance in the desire to live in self interest, as passing off my responsibility to the mind to direct me, instead of me directing myself here in each breath, moment by moment.

Moments
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created moments as separations in time, where I/we have created mo-ments - as the desire for 'more mental energy', I perceive that each moment appears to be a monumental task - the created monument in the mind - the graven image of myself in separation.  Perceiving life as a long arduous struggle, everything is fucked up, dangerous, fearful, abusive and a big lie - based on the perspective of me, seeing myself through the eyes of my mind/ego.

Yet the actuality of life as source is so incredibly simple - being here in taking responsibility for directing myself within breath - I can enjoy myself in slowing myself down - within the realization that in taking responsibility for myself as breath, I am taking responsibility for ALL LIFE as me - thus removing the guilt and blame associated through relationship, as each is now self-responsible.

Through that realization and application - each moment is equal and one, and the moment is no longer monotonous or monumental, as 'mon-u-mental' being the mental projection of me, as I have moaned about not getting my selfish desires, and so created hierarchy/inequality/slavery. Monotony, or mono-tone, a sound without variety or variation - boring and dull.

Boredom
We are bored-dumb.  The fear of being 'bored' creates the experience of boredom within the mind.  Life is not boring, because life is not defined by boredom - if I am bored, it is because I have created the idea of boredom and subject myself to the con-fines of that belief, thus having to serve the sentence and the fine, where I have 'sent' myself into broken moments of 'tense', clinging to the past 'tense' and creating a future 'tense' based on the past 'tense', where I am always 'tense' in fear of facing the inevitable consequence for what I have accepted and allowed as me.

Boredom is false perception as desiring to be 'someone else' or be with 'someone more exciting' - seeing oneself as boring - to bore, or drill a hole through - thus the definition is given a negative energy charge - seeing boredom as 'monotonous', 'painful' and 'slow'.  Yet boredom is created  through participation in the idea of limitation, due to false perception and irresponsibility, not seeing or realizing the opportunities and potential to share myself.  In fear of the idea of boredom, we often find 'work' to preoccupy ourselves to make ourselves busy with work.  Trying to fake ourselves out, pretend responsibility we have created more and more work to do, rather than simply living and expressing ourselves as life.   Thus wurk has become urk, as we urk ourselves through enforced movement from the starting point of servitude, as one is forced into serving the hierarchy of the mind, as the self-created system.

The phrase "I am boring" is opposed to a real expression of life - as giving myself unconditionally through my expression as an Equal. To enjoy the act of giving rather than desiring to feed on the energy of others - which is seeking for self in others, thus attempting to blame life because I did not have the courage to take responsibility to express and share myself, and therefore created the consequence of me existing within and as jealousy.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am boring, or my life is boring, or that someone else is boring within definition as self-judgement.  I realize that I have not ever really considered what was the starting point of boredom which is actually do to the desire to escape responsibility, and the desire for an energy high that would stimulate my senses to make me feel alive, yet I am not alive because all of existence is enslaved to consciousness.



I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating within the mind as 'feeling bored', to move myself in the physical to do something practical that would assist myself and others.  There are an infinite number of things that I can do in each moment to push my resistances and support life.

Excitement
The opposite polarity charge 'exciting' - as the stimulating and positive energy experience we constantly seek to escape the negative.  Constantly seeking to have an experience of ourselves.  Ex-sight-ment is the externalization of sight - as opposed to having In-sight, where we look into ourselves in self-honesty.  Ex-sight-ment is the false perception as the mental creation in denial of the negative association, thus the fuel of consciousness which produces the system as cycles in continuous polarity and enslavement.

Sex-citing.  Sex is often the most sought after experience.  Not to take away from the physical experience of sex, but when sex is used within the fantasies of the mind, it creates abuse through fueling and energizing the polarity mind systems where one is seeking power and control over another so that one can achieve personal satisfaction and good feelings for oneself in separation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need for an energy high as excitement.  I realize that excitement is driven through desire to have a special experience of myself within my reality, however this desire for personal excitement carries with it the polar opposite as boredom.  Also, excitement as searching for myself outside of myself within an experience is separation.  I am not saying that I cannot do things that are 'fun', only that the addiction to excitement as energy addiction in wanting to escape responsibility to myself and all is abuse.

I commit myself to direct myself to enjoy myself in all moments equally, to stop searching for excitement outside of myself, but to work with what is here as myself so I can become life and assist all as I would like to be assisted. 

Day 17 - What is a Hero

What is a hero?

A hero or idol - be it fantasy or historical or current living being - within our world is simply a figure, as an image or persona, based on what we perceived as a 'courageous', and/or someone who defeated a form of injustice or evil.  We would not have hero's unless we WANTED to be a hero ourselves.  A hero is therefore purely based on our or ego, our own personal desire to be strong, brave, right, and just... one who has overcome their fears, and so deserves to be worshiped by others - and so, a hero is the undeniable evidence of our own self-dishonesty.   

A hero is a mind projection of how we have neglected and sabotaged ourselves in self-dishonesty in our past.  Our secret desire for revenge in blaming others for our individual irresponsibility.  So we hold an image of a hero in our minds to feel better about ourselves, because we believe someone else is taking the responsibility for our failure to realize ourselves - we are relieved that we can lay the responsibility on someone else to tell us what is the 'right' thing to do in any given situation.  We place our trust in a mind illusion because we see our own dishonesty and thus believe we are inferior not worthy.  Our inferiority is then projected out as a superior being that is virtually indestructible in our minds eye - all because we are dishonest with ourselves as who we really are - as Equals.

Most of us, if not all create an image of ourselves as our own hero in our minds.   We imagine ourselves doing great things, being strong or beautiful or powerful and the crowd cheers for us as we vanquish our imaginary foes.  We are gods in our minds, but remain ignorant and spiteful of the actual physical reality we live and exist in.  What most don't realize is that there is significant consequence in allowing these thought projections.  We miss our opportunity to see ourselves for real, and so miss our opportunity to live for real. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out a drama in my mind where I am the hero of the story and I subject my enemies to the wrath of my vengeance so I may stand in awe of my imaginary fans who worship me as an imaginary god.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself in my physical reality and living experience because I hold onto an idea of myself as a hero in my mind that is strong and true and wise and powerful and beautiful and everything that everyone loves and adores, all so that I can be worshiped as a superior being. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my imaginations of me as a hero in my mind are real when in fact it is only a projection of my mind and imagination as fuel for my ego where I live a double life, dishonestly attempting to portray to myself that I am better than in an attempt to hide the fact that I am fearful of facing myself as who I really am in my world and physical reality.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than anyone else in the physical reality through projections of my mind/ego



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being better than anyone else in my physical reality because I want to be loved and adored by others. In this I realize that be me desiring to be loved by others I am not facing the point of me fearing that I am not cared about as an equal in my world.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make others happy by vanquishing evil in my mind so I can be the god of my imaginary world where everyone loves and adores me.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can justify the abuse of myself through playing out imaginations of myself as being godly and strong and beautiful and powerful, yet neglect the fact that these imaginations have consequences in my physical reality where I am in denial of who I actually am and what is happening as a result of my dishonesty in my world.

Hero's are a con of consciousness.