Day 65 - Embarrassment

Embarrassment is a subtle, and seemingly harmless construct, yet it is a crucial starting point to be aware of, as an acceptance and allowance of fear. In my fear of embarrassment, I hid from myself and denied myself physical expression. The more I can embrace situations that would typically be embarrassing, the more I am able to express myself in the physical, and free myself from the fear of myself.

How could I have been such a fool?  How could I have allowed myself to cower in fear of myself?  I cannot remember how it happened exactly from the start, however an example has come to mind...

When I was young, there was one evening where me and my 2 brothers were outside. Strangely, 3 girls came along. It was really weird, they were the same age as us, and the same height as the three of us - 1 tall, 1 medium height, and 1 short and younger.  I recall this experience, because we talked for a while, and I desperately wanted to get closer, and be more intimate with the tall girl (not sexually as I was too young for that at the time, around 12) .  I became quite uncomfortable in myself, as the blatantly obvious fact that I could not overcome my fears to express myself in front of everyone.  I was afraid of what would happen if I said something, what would my brothers think of me?  What if I embarrassed myself?  I didn't know what would happen. All of the justifications came up.  It was like I froze in submission - I refused to say what I felt, preferring to use anger as revenge for my own self-created frustration.  I recall the sinking feeling I had afterwords, the realization that I could not get past my own fears... eek.  Yet while I did not understand the full implications of what was at work, the self-dishonesty right in my face.

So suffice to say, no matter how subtle our fears manifested long ago, it is still no excuse to allow fears to rule over us - Fear is Fear, ego is ego, and dishonesty is dishonesty.  It is very clear cut when one truly looks into oneself.   At least I am able to understand now the implications and terrible consequences of not standing in absolute equality with myself as all.  Yet that is not enough, I must transcend all fear, and stop all dishonesty within myself, and change myself so that I can become equal in every way.  No exceptions and no excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower in fear, in the fear of myself, fearing the reactions of others - which is me being dishonest with myself in denying and trying to hide what is really going on inside me.  When what is going on within me is not equal to what is going on outside of myself, I stop and breathe, so that I can allow myself to see the consequences of what I am doing in self-honesty.  Is there a fear that I am not facing?  Is what I am participating in aligned with what is best for all?  Am I including or hiding my physical expression equal and one? Understanding that whatever consequences I create, I will have to face myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being embarrassed in front of others, not realizing that in allowing myself to fear embarrassment, I manifest more consequences that result in shame, humiliation, self-deception and abuse. I realize that embarrassment is submission to the mind as ego and false personality.  I am in a mind tantrum because I have not found the courage to face my fears, and so project that frustration onto an imaginary idea of myself where I can blame someone or something for my own failure to be self-honest with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to fear and be dishonest with myself, where I used justifications to try and escape myself in fear of what others would think - in so making myself a character in my mind, as less than the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as characters as a false image and idea of myself where I could play a game of hide and seek in my mind, enjoying the energetic rush to see who wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply and form relationships with the imaginary characters I created because they gave me a rush of energy that made me feel better - temporarily.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and consider the fact that the temporary good feelings NOT ONLY manifested bad feelings, but manifested my worst nightmare as the shameful and humiliating slow death and destruction of myself and that which gave me life - as the earth as the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to partake in the delusion of the living lie, creating myself as a lie and rejoicing in my own false creation - as opposed to living myself as the living word.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame onto an imaginary entity because I did not express myself. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anger and guilt and shame and more fear, in the realization that I was not able to overcome my fears and express myself in self honesty to myself and others.  

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that the extent of the delusion I was creating would cause tremendous harm and abuse of myself through accepting and allowing fear to be the controlling force that directed me - further and further into self-deception and away from the source of myself - until I became so completely lost to the extent that I did not even recognize myself or what I was doing to myself anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider that the source of all existence IS me, and if I do not align myself with source as what is best for all as me, then I am completely fucked, utterly.

I commit myself to reversing the manifested consequences of what I have accepted and allowed in the past through self-forgiveness and walking the self-correction.

I commit myself to face my fears through writing and applying what I have written in my daily participation in my life.

I commit myself to free myself from enslavement to fear - where I walk myself through the process of self-honesty in to being equal on the inside and the outside, where I do not accept and allow myself to fear shame and humiliation.

I commit myself to do whatever is necessary to assist myself and others in the process of self-realization, so that we can walk together as a group that supports life as Equality, as the best that it can possibly be for everyone... everyone that has the courage to be self-honest inside and out, equal and one, to become life in the face of fear.

7yr Journey to Life - Day 35 - Unplugging

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions of regret for having lived my life in ignorance and self-subjugation where I squandered my time, energy and effort in the hope of being saved by someone and finding love in another being/god that only existed as the image I had been programmed to believe and thus projected in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences for myself wherein I had to face regret as an outflow of my life experience, where I denied myself and my world because I was afraid of facing myself, of trusting myself, and of directing myself in my experience of myself.  In so, I attempted to escape myself through the use of computer games, where I could hide from myself and experience the thrill of a virtual life of my dreams, rather than face what was actually happening in my world as the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I was too small, 'not good enough', not eloquent enough, not sharp enough, not smart enough, not wise enough to face myself and my world head on in dealing with the deliberate abuse that was happening to me and my world.  In that I realize that I am here as a physical being JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, and as a physical being I am accountable to myself and my whole world and reality, to expose spiteful behavior and abuse of life, wherever and whenever I observe it.  I realize that I must prepare myself to take on the task, addressing myself first as the primary point of self-responsibility, and from that point I can expand myself within walking as a group with Desteni and the Desteni I Process course - which is the ONLY REAL SUPPORT FOR ALL LIFE OFFERED IN THIS WORLD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself and sharing myself out of fear of what value others will put on me.  I realize that this fear is only me fearing myself and that that fear must be faced and transcended so that I can free myself from the constriction of fear and learn to expand myself in self-honesty through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to the fear-of-loss, in fearing what I will have to give up if I apply myself in self-honesty, in being honest with myself, sharing myself, and how I feel about the world and my reality.  I realize that nothing of/in this world is worth giving up my self-honesty to myself, and that if I do not move myself, I will be allowing fear to take over and diminish me. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my physical energy, support, time and effort to those who are so completely consumed by the ego that they do not consider anyone beyond the borders of their imaginary world of self-interest.   I realize that there is no point in lecturing to those who will only react in obstinate resistance, in spite of all the FREE support that is being offered by Desteni and those with the courage to walk the 7 year journey to Life.


I commit myself to face my fears of sharing who I am so that I can find out how I created myself and thus how I can change myself to stop awful consequences from happening in my life in the future.

I commit myself to face myself in self-honesty by using the breath as a tool so that I can take each point, breath by breath so as to deal with each point in a manageable way, being patient and gentle with myself so that I can walk myself slowly back to nothingness, to start over in creating myself as all as equal as the physical.

I commit myself to see the common sense in what is happening in our world and so realize that the only solution to such terrible abuse of life is to absolutely stand within and as the principle of what is best for all - as absolute Equality for all.

I commit myself to realize this profound opportunity I have in this life, and take advantage of it while I am able - an not squander - because I realize that this is my only opportunity to support and become life.  If I do not do it now... when?