Day 234 - Investigative Writing

This blog may seem a bit jumbled, as I was doing investigative style writing in order to get to the issue which I have been experiencing and dealing with over the past little while.

So considering this morning, how I experience the point within myself of frustration/resentment towards myself, where I appear to want to get revenge on myself, and through this I do not want to assist and support myself, but prefer to suppress myself in denial, as if to desire to get back at myself for all the injustice I have suffered.  So the point must be blame – blame of myself and others on a deeper level?  Do I blame so much that I cannot get past the point?  Is it covering up fear?  Fear of what?  Why must I get revenge on myself all the time as if my personality must equalize the score – to prove to myself that I suffered and to make sure that that other aspect of my bi-polar personality clearly understands that I suffered so it gets the message not to do it again – but the mind doesn't stop, it compounds until I can find my true expression of myself in self-honesty.  

So there are times when I feel as though I am 'winning the race', and everything is going great, and I am exuberant and feel that nothing can stop me or get in my way.  Then there at times I feel like I am desperately losing the race, and that I am so far behind there is no point even trying.  It is at these low points that I want to deny everything and just hide from myself, as if wanting to just give up, all hope seems lost.  At these low points, self-honesty seems like the system, where I would have to apply self-discipline – yet disciplining oneself when one feels 'down' only seems like further punishment.  

The point is why does it take me so long to pull out of negatively charged experiences?  Why do I fear/resist being diligent?  Why do I resist changing myself as an expression? Why do I resist self-honesty?  Why do I not trust self-honesty?  Do I feel it is because it is a borrowed idea of myself – yes.  I see so much superficiality around me, self-honesty seems extremely superficial to me, as I see many people claim to be honest, yet they are motivated by fear and/or comfort, which is very transparent.

So my point of self-denial comes from within my mind, where I am in judgment of others because I have seen within them their starting point of fear being expressed as 'a form of self-honesty', yet it is dishonesty – so I have taken the polarity of that expression where I am trying to get revenge on others whom I have judged in my mind as 'dishonest' (whether it be true or not is irrelevant).  So to re-iterate, I desire to punish myself for what I see in others through taking on a personality, and this prevents me from seeing/realizing and understanding my actual expression of myself – because I feel so upset that so many people seem to be getting away with the equivalent of murder, and because I see it, I have to be responsible in my mind to judge it and condemn it, which ultimately leads to self-sabotage.  Self sabotage seems to be related to how much I am aware of my own self-suppression and denial.

Similar to the point is self-righteousness, which from the perspective of Equality is quite perverse and detestable.  I understand that whenever I am not pushing my resistance I am giving in to this system of self-righteousness, where I take the liberty to decide that I would rather not push my resistance at the moment because it seems like work - as the negatively charged energetic experience of myself.

There is no real backchat, as it is an assumption I have lived all my life as, if there is no-one here, I can do whatever I want, where I have created a situation for myself where my responsibilities are very limited - thus excuse not to move myself.

The backchat is that I am not happy with myself, where I am in my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the backchat that "I am not happy with myself right now" as a means of self-manipulation where I can go into self-pity and emotional feelings of positive/negative energetic experiences of myself as a false reward system I have created for myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself and get frustrated with myself and my situation, and in so desire to seek revenge on myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to get into this situation in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in denial of myself because I sense the resistance as I do not wish to push the resistance because I define it as a 'negative energy' experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and myself for the mind created 'injustice' I have apparently suffered.  I realize that this is a self-centered belief that does not help me or support me in any way but only leads to thoughts of comparison and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get revenge on myself from the thought that I have suffered because of the greed of others in this world - yet I was actually the one that allowed greed to exist and evolve over time to the extent which it exists today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of who I would like to experience myself as rather than standing as myself as the physical in applying myself with consistency, integrity and disciplining myself in awareness of how the mind sabotages my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the motivation that I feel that I am winning, and so feed off that energy in order to further motivate myself in getting things done.  I move myself as self movement which requires no motivation to direct myself as Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get upset and down on myself when things do not appear to be working the way I expected them to, or unexpected things come up - which they ALWAYS do.   I realize that at these low points I must investigate myself and what triggers am I allowing within myself that cause such self-destructive patters within myself... this so that I can prepare myself  to focus myself so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the realization that I must discipline myself as the mind or it will take me where it wants to go as riding the magic carpet of the mind into delusion and self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my judgment of others as being honest or dishonest and so create a reflective personality within myself where I desire to punish myself in an effort to appear to my mind that I am doing something to make myself 'feel better than' person x whom I have judged as dishonest.  Interesting how the mind wants to use judgment as a form of condemnation, and this when I am not even being fully honest with myself in all ways and in every breath.   I realize that I must be clear on this point within myself so that I do not sabotage myself further... As feeling good about myself tends to put me in a state of ease and specialness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/desire that other people should punish themselves because of their own dishonesty.  I realize that each person must realize for themselves on their own time, as that is just how self-honesty works, no one is able to do it for someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my actual expression of myself because I desire to get revenge through a belief/judgment in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the liberty to allow the mind to dictate what I should do and when, and in so I am allowing myself to create myself as self-centered and self-righteous.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping these patterns of denial within myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping the patterns of manipulation within myself

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping the patterns of judgment within myself, and so learn to discipline myself in learning to trust myself here as breath without the need/desire of positive/negative energetic experiences which only serve to fuel my ego personality, which is not real.

176 - Self-Punishment

A point has come up with me recently, I wake up in the morning already in a heavy, negative emotion of agitation or frustration.  Yesterday I did not realize exactly what the point was, there were a number of points which were triggered and I assume it is a culmination of multiple factors that I am facing from stress of my current situation to still hanging on to points of the past, and still some regrets.  Regrets because I realize I missed many points through not understanding myself.  There is also the point of me 'second guessing' myself as I feel constricted by my current situation.  I realize that I have to stop and breathe during these episodes, yet the other day the emotional reaction seemed to be so strong I did not push the resistance, but fell into resentment and neglect as the pattern of self-punishment in anger towards myself.

It took me a while before I allowed myself to see all the points connected, and from this I realize there is still a significant amount of self-forgiveness I have to do to stop myself from going into this pattern.  The point is also connected to my work/money situation which plays a significant role in this, as work has been a struggle recently, as winter is typically slower for me.  Additionally from this pattern comes all kinds of future projections, even though I do not know what the future holds, some play-outs appear to be inevitable as the consequences I have created for myself are significant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the emotions of agitation and frustration when I wake up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself when I feel the emotions of agitation and frustration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself through neglect when I make future projections in my mind regarding how I think things will play out based on what I assume will happen based on my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self-created future projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled the feelings of guilt, resentment and regret.  I realize I cannot change the past and all I can do is learn from it.  I also realize that punishing myself does not help the situation any and only makes it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into temper tantrum mode where I believe that spiting myself and others through neglect will cause the situation to be over with sooner or somehow create a better consequence for me, when clearly it will not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the ideas of myself I created in the past.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to understand myself and how I can use the best of my abilities to contribute to this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't know or understand where I can fit it or participate in something that is effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the belief that I have no motivation, when I realize I do not need a motivating factor to move myself besides the goal of Equality of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that someone would help me solve myself and/or desire to be special and get special attention.  I realize I am walking my process alone and no-one is able to assist me besides practical communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape myself and my consequences through neglect.  I realize I must face the consequences I have allowed so that I understand what I do creates consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be someone more than who I am as my physical body here.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an external form of stimuli in order for me to experience happiness within myself.  I realize I am the starting point of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and so go into resentment through defining myself as a complete failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within thinking of all of the things I could have had/done for/with myself - go into a pattern of resentment, self-punishment and neglect, and so compromise myself even further in the pattern that has existed within me ever since I can remember.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow along within the pattern that I learned from my parents and teachers - that I have to punish myself - without realizing that there is a far better way to learn to discipline myself through gentle encouragement and breaking the problem down in order to see how it plays out and then gradually work it out step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for all the mistakes I made in the past - when if I simply had realized and understood from the start I would not have allowed myself to get into this whole mess to begin with. I realize this is an opportunity for me to face what I have accepted and allowed, and so change myself.



I commit myself to channel my resentment, guilt, frustration, agitation, anger and all other emotional reactions - into moving myself to become life as Equal to the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself having a negative energy experience, to embrace myself within the realization that I have done a lot of work on myself through study and self-forgiveness, and so write myself out so I can see the starting point and pattern of what specifically triggered the emotional reaction - so that I can gently push the resistance and free myself from self-harm and punishment.

I commit myself to rather than punishing myself - to realize that punishing myself is not effective - but rather commit myself to achieving small goals for myself in reward to myself for all my hard work.

I commit myself to realize that there is no point fearing what is not here.

Day 94 - Tarot Self Refelction Part 3

The topic I selected was - My Fear


The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. The Lovers, when reversed: Inner strife, frustration, suspicion, and disagreements in a relationship. Irresponsibility and indecision. Avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust. Unfaithfulness.

As the resulting consequence of what I accepted and allowed in the past, in fear of facing myself, I trusted god, and so denied myself completely, and ran from myself in the hope that God would take care of everything, I naively believed I just had to trust him and I could cast all my worries aside.  Heaven was there waiting for me.  I took on many heroic characters in my mind to avoid facing myself, relishing in fantastical imaginations that covered, pacified and justified the inner oppression of myself.  I was a complete fool, and I knew it.  I justified the fool character as the essential adversary to the world which I hated - but what I did not face, is that I was hating myself, and now I reap what I have sewn for myself. 

At least I had a chance to see and understand myself in the greater picture, to finally understand Equality... and so say my piece.

This is not a sob story, or a surrender.  I have done much self forgiveness on these points and will continue to do so.  This is facing the reality that self forgiveness does not change the situation unless all change, and still the consequences of the past must be faced, however harsh, there comes a point when consequences can become very demanding... as money still rules the big game, and if you don't have it, you are virtually worthless and helpless in the world.  






The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment.







My goal was to find the truth, what use was living life based on a lie?  Whatever cost I didn't care, even if the cost was myself. I deliberately avoided becoming successful, as I knew that being successful entailed accepting and serving a system based in abuse.  I thought it would be more fun being poor.  Seeing it from my characters perspective in self-interest of course, although I covered that up with the 'caring person' character.  And so I assumed the role of the good and faithful servant of god, partly to alleviate the tremendous guilt I had.  I was very naive, believing all the prophecies people would tell me about myself, believing myself to be 'special' and 'chosen' by god for a great purpose... lol.  It all sounded very cool... What a sucker I was.  I really had it coming.

As for other goals that I had, they were minor, and the choices I made simply did not turn out in my favor, and I did allow fears to get the best of me. Sure I regret many things and would have done things differently.  Regret however is useless, as is disappointment, and hope.


The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. Ten of Swords (Ruin): Crushing defeat brought about by idle intellectualism divorced from reality. Sadness and desolation in the aftermath of a catastrophic and total collapse. A decisive conclusion brought about through the swift and merciless application of overwhelming force.

When the money runs out, as it most assuredly will, this is the future we all face.  Just look around. Does the world care about homeless or starving people?  Clearly not.  Charity is a pathetic excuse. The only ones that are protected are the ones who are in positions of authority, given value by corporations and a corrupt system.  If people in the world actually cared, Desteni would have had a million followers by now, and we would be on our way to transforming the world.  Looks like the only way we will realize is the hard way. 




The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.

Oh yes the excuse that I'm taking on the weight of the world.  If everyone pitched in just a little bit we could actually do something.  The fears really have people in a stranglehold.  We face them all eventually, and the consequences, so I don't see the point in putting it off... comfort disappears very quickly.


The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Three of Wands (Virtue), when reversed: Pride and arrogance. Convincing oneself that the ends justify the means. A great act of betrayal set in motion. Sinking to the level of an opponent. The vain quest for glory and a personal spotlight. Charity or friendship offered with intent of material gain.


The Pride character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud in thinking that I am special in any way, in that I think I am better than anyone because I realize and understand Equality.  I realize that it is not just understanding, but actual application of myself in taking responsibility to become life and live what is best for all absolutely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could change the world, when actually fear is far more prevalent and ingrained in the minds of people than I had considered, so much that people cannot even take a stand on Equality one way or the other, in fear of stepping out of character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character William, to think that I have achieved anything to be proud of, when there is absolutely nothing in this world or all of existence to be proud of.  All is a Shameful, Fear-filled Disgrace of Life and a Lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of arrogance, wherein I believed the lies that everything would be ok, god would solve everything, I could just deny myself and the physical existence did not matter in the end as long as I played by god's rules, he would take responsibility for me and send all the evil people to hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe that I could do everything on my own without the help of others.  I realize that I can do many things on my own, but eventually, the system of gangs as cults of corporations, governments, businesses and families overpower through money, contracts and relationships as the spite of Life.