176 - Self-Punishment

A point has come up with me recently, I wake up in the morning already in a heavy, negative emotion of agitation or frustration.  Yesterday I did not realize exactly what the point was, there were a number of points which were triggered and I assume it is a culmination of multiple factors that I am facing from stress of my current situation to still hanging on to points of the past, and still some regrets.  Regrets because I realize I missed many points through not understanding myself.  There is also the point of me 'second guessing' myself as I feel constricted by my current situation.  I realize that I have to stop and breathe during these episodes, yet the other day the emotional reaction seemed to be so strong I did not push the resistance, but fell into resentment and neglect as the pattern of self-punishment in anger towards myself.

It took me a while before I allowed myself to see all the points connected, and from this I realize there is still a significant amount of self-forgiveness I have to do to stop myself from going into this pattern.  The point is also connected to my work/money situation which plays a significant role in this, as work has been a struggle recently, as winter is typically slower for me.  Additionally from this pattern comes all kinds of future projections, even though I do not know what the future holds, some play-outs appear to be inevitable as the consequences I have created for myself are significant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the emotions of agitation and frustration when I wake up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself when I feel the emotions of agitation and frustration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself through neglect when I make future projections in my mind regarding how I think things will play out based on what I assume will happen based on my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self-created future projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled the feelings of guilt, resentment and regret.  I realize I cannot change the past and all I can do is learn from it.  I also realize that punishing myself does not help the situation any and only makes it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into temper tantrum mode where I believe that spiting myself and others through neglect will cause the situation to be over with sooner or somehow create a better consequence for me, when clearly it will not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the ideas of myself I created in the past.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to understand myself and how I can use the best of my abilities to contribute to this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't know or understand where I can fit it or participate in something that is effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the belief that I have no motivation, when I realize I do not need a motivating factor to move myself besides the goal of Equality of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that someone would help me solve myself and/or desire to be special and get special attention.  I realize I am walking my process alone and no-one is able to assist me besides practical communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape myself and my consequences through neglect.  I realize I must face the consequences I have allowed so that I understand what I do creates consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be someone more than who I am as my physical body here.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an external form of stimuli in order for me to experience happiness within myself.  I realize I am the starting point of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and so go into resentment through defining myself as a complete failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within thinking of all of the things I could have had/done for/with myself - go into a pattern of resentment, self-punishment and neglect, and so compromise myself even further in the pattern that has existed within me ever since I can remember.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow along within the pattern that I learned from my parents and teachers - that I have to punish myself - without realizing that there is a far better way to learn to discipline myself through gentle encouragement and breaking the problem down in order to see how it plays out and then gradually work it out step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for all the mistakes I made in the past - when if I simply had realized and understood from the start I would not have allowed myself to get into this whole mess to begin with. I realize this is an opportunity for me to face what I have accepted and allowed, and so change myself.



I commit myself to channel my resentment, guilt, frustration, agitation, anger and all other emotional reactions - into moving myself to become life as Equal to the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself having a negative energy experience, to embrace myself within the realization that I have done a lot of work on myself through study and self-forgiveness, and so write myself out so I can see the starting point and pattern of what specifically triggered the emotional reaction - so that I can gently push the resistance and free myself from self-harm and punishment.

I commit myself to rather than punishing myself - to realize that punishing myself is not effective - but rather commit myself to achieving small goals for myself in reward to myself for all my hard work.

I commit myself to realize that there is no point fearing what is not here.

162 - Parental Cloning - Part 3

Throughout my years of being cloned - and cloning myself - I developed an affinity towards a particular pattern.  Although it was clearly spiteful and self-destructive in hind-sight, it is quite fascinating to now realize how I am able to use this pattern of 'giving-up' or 'self-rejection' to easily spot behavior patterns of the past which I directly need to face.  This provides keys to working my way out of my shell, or removing the bricks in the wall I constructed for myself.    

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of 'giving up' and or 'sulking' - withdrawing my participation in an attempt to sabotage myself and so make everyone feel bad, through the belief that the problem is impossible, or there is no solution but self-defeat.  I realize that I must take responsibility to stop my thoughts of self-judgment, and the corresponding emotional reactions of blame and self-pity, so that I can stand as the solution to myself and all, in bringing about a world that is Best for All in Equality.  

I also realize within this, that I must not judge or blame myself for not being able to do everything all by myself, and that I will always be more effective with the help of others.  I also realize that others may be more inclined or adept at certain tasks than I am, and in so it is not to be offended by the skills of another, but to find what skills I have to offer, as everyone has an equal and essential part to play as the whole of existence learns how to cooperate and use what is here. 

When and as I see myself going into a state of 'withdrawal', 'giving-up' or 'emotional reactions of blame or judgment' - I stop and clear my starting point to here within breath.  I recognize the pattern and change myself within the realization that I must take responsibility to direct myself in living and doing what is best for all in each moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to differ blame onto my parents - for labeling and defining me as 'sulking', or 'suck-hole' or 'having a fit' or 'temper tantrum' in which I had the reaction of extreme inner anger at being teased, defined, belittled, and diminished - thus preventing me from actually seeing and realizing the point I actually needed to face, of what I was allowing in withdrawing myself from situations – was not helping myself or anyone, only compromising myself in anger, blame, resentment, and selfishness because things did not turn out the way I expected them to, I felt less than, and I did not understand myself as Equal to All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to words that my parents used – seeing the words as threatening, while it was my own self-judgment that allowed me to compromise myself through me resisting change and wanting to blame others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the coping mechanism of withdrawing myself - as a way of me trying to manipulate my reality, rather than actually expressing how I feel about a situation - such as me feeling left out, and so searching for, and working towards a solution where everyone and all are included.

Resistance is my assistance to dissolve the limitations of my existence.

I commit myself to investigate all confrontations where I experience a resistance or reaction within me to words someone is using to define me, and within that to clear all reactions within myself - so that I can observe myself from a non-judgmental and non-reactive state, to see if there are any points of self-dishonesty within myself that need to be addressed and aligned to change myself to living what is best for all.

I commit myself to within breath awareness, push myself to face all points of denial, judgement, or fear of facing myself so that I can learn what it is to stand for Life and change myself to become Life.