Day 96 - Dream Reflection

Dream

I was on a couch beside a TV (not watching it) 'Person A' was sitting on a chair... I Asked Person A a question regarding breathing, Person A understood and interpreted my question as me wanting to be a portal - Person A appeared to grow increasingly attractive with a growing smile as if to convey a sense of certainty and urgency. I focused intently at her right eye (which appeared as a greenish color) in attempt to understand the message she was conveying. She informed me that "111 portals are needed to solve/save myself - we are currently at 14". There was a slight fear that came up with that knowledge. I was slightly disappointed with myself, and slightly jealous that I was not yet able to leave my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as pride as the desire to leave my body, existing within the desire to 'save myself' and 'save the world' and 'do good' when what I am actually doing is seeking to escape myself and the work that I need to do on myself here, as deleting my memories, stopping energy addictions, and directing my breath. I realize this desire is actually a fear of facing myself and changing myself to take responsibility and live within and as my physical body as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and be disappointed with myself within my process where I have created a fear of who I am, as not being able to take full responsibility for who I am and what I have created myself as - as existing within the mind of Pride/Ego/Vanity and Fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the beauty system where I define myself and others as beautiful or ugly. I realize that desiring beauty is existing in and as fear of myself where I am seeking a positive energy experience and so seeking to avoid the negative energy experience. I realize that hiding from ugliness is defining myself in polarity based on personal opinion and thus denying myself as who I am here as the physical. All must be taken into consideration Equally as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within desiring to have more knowledge of life, as if knowledge of Life would save me from myself, when knowledge is not Life. I realize this is a manifestation of the Fear of not being able to become Life myself - this rather than apply myself and push myself to realize myself in each moment HERE, through breathing and deleting memories as they come up with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have enough value - as a statistic based on knowledge - to be Life. I realize that this is a false perception within my mind which keeps me in an imaginary character of myself as the mind, which is preventing me from realizing myself and becoming the directive principle of myself as my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the act of Smiling as a stimulation and in so created the simulation of life which can only function through the stimulus of mind/energy as polarity - rather than actually living as Self-directed Equals in common sense.

I commit myself to face myself as the dimensions of myself which I have created in trying to escape myself in order that I may align myself with Equality as what is best for all through stopping my mind as memories and desires/fears.

I commit myself to walk myself out of the dimensions I have created for myself so that I can live as a physical being here in applying myself to realize myself here as an Equal in every way.

I commit myself to realize that in order for me to pass through 'the eye of the needle', I must take full responsibility for who I am and all that I have created and all that I will create in the past so that all align with the principle of Equality as Best for All.

I commit myself to make breathing with myself as the director - a habit in which I am constantly pushing myself to be aware of every breath until the mind has no power over me to enslave me to a program.

I commit myself to transform myself into a person that actually cares about life for real, so much so that I become the living expression of what is best for all in every way. 

I commit myself to realize that Desteni is the only group of human beings that are actually working on a solution that would actually SOLVE every problem in the world without creating any new problems. 

I commit myself to realize that dreams are an illusion created through consciousness as a reflection of who I am as the physical, and in so dreams are able to assist me solely for the purpose of stopping my selfish desires and fears so that I can take responsibility for myself as birthing myself as Life in the physical.  

I delete the memory of the dream  

Day 95 - Pride and Vanity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Proud about things I have done in my life without realizing that pride exists in polarity to Shame and Humiliation, and as such, Pride is a false perception of myself in ignorance of the totality of myself.  I realize that Pride is an attempt to make myself appear 'better than' who I am, and so others within the mind, so that I can for a moment believe that I can escape the fear of myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become - as existing completely within and as Fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that Pride/Ego/Mind is what I have created, based on the interpretation of what I perceived as being myself (or no-self), as perceiving myself through and as consciousness, as a collection of defined symbols based on knowledge and information.  In so, I believed the Light to be who I am and/or who 'god' is, never realizing that this perception is in separation from the totality of myself, as the light and the darkness and all of existence, where the darkness is actually the starting point of who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow Pride and Vanity to dictate my behavior, and define who I am, and in so I believed myself to be 'less than' the totality of who I am as all.  Thus in fear of diminishing, I have manifested the diminishment of myself to a collection of one dimensional ideas, definitions, perceptions, opinions, and beliefs of myself, rather than seeing, realizing, understanding and being myself here as Equal to, and One with the physical. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself in and as Pride, and so making Pride the most difficult, aspect of myself to see, yet at the same time the most obvious because it is hidden in plain sight, as the very thing I was hiding myself within, and so allowing myself to think that I must achieve the highest form of Pride in the forms of happiness, love, bliss, ego, and consciousness within seeking self-gratification through energy in separation of myself as all, and therefore I manifested self-interest, greed, desire and all forms of abuse of Life as myself as All.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand the statement of Solomon in the bible "Vanity of vanities, All is vanity" which implies that even God was in Vain, and so I too feigned Vanity as myself, never realizing that the solution to Vanity was right here within in the Veins of the physical body, where All have the opportunity and are able to change to stop living in Vain, and so realize themselves as flesh and veins to become the directive principle of Life through Self Forgiveness and living what is Best for All.
 
I commit myself to realize that whenever I find myself hiding from myself, I realize I am acting within and as the deceptive character of Pride.  I realize that Pride is where I Pretend to Hide as just 'Part of the Ride' in the Van of Vanity where I am taken for a ride in my false perception/idea of Life, as opposed to taking responsibility to direct myself within and as breath. 

I commit myself to face all points of Pride within myself so that I no longer accept and allow Pride to exist as the director and controller of myself as being a slave and servant of Pride. 

I commit myself to realize the Hidden Cost and Consequence for Pride and Vanity - Shame, Humiliation, Death and Destruction of Life.

I commit myself to carefully consider the vast extent to which Pride and Vanity has been allowed to infiltrate existence through FEAR of Self, and so to not slight myself within my process through assumption and miscalculation in the great and subtle deception of Pride.

I commit myself to live what is best for me, as who I actually am as All, therefore what is Best for All is best for me.

Day 94 - Tarot Self Refelction Part 3

The topic I selected was - My Fear


The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. The Lovers, when reversed: Inner strife, frustration, suspicion, and disagreements in a relationship. Irresponsibility and indecision. Avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust. Unfaithfulness.

As the resulting consequence of what I accepted and allowed in the past, in fear of facing myself, I trusted god, and so denied myself completely, and ran from myself in the hope that God would take care of everything, I naively believed I just had to trust him and I could cast all my worries aside.  Heaven was there waiting for me.  I took on many heroic characters in my mind to avoid facing myself, relishing in fantastical imaginations that covered, pacified and justified the inner oppression of myself.  I was a complete fool, and I knew it.  I justified the fool character as the essential adversary to the world which I hated - but what I did not face, is that I was hating myself, and now I reap what I have sewn for myself. 

At least I had a chance to see and understand myself in the greater picture, to finally understand Equality... and so say my piece.

This is not a sob story, or a surrender.  I have done much self forgiveness on these points and will continue to do so.  This is facing the reality that self forgiveness does not change the situation unless all change, and still the consequences of the past must be faced, however harsh, there comes a point when consequences can become very demanding... as money still rules the big game, and if you don't have it, you are virtually worthless and helpless in the world.  






The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment.







My goal was to find the truth, what use was living life based on a lie?  Whatever cost I didn't care, even if the cost was myself. I deliberately avoided becoming successful, as I knew that being successful entailed accepting and serving a system based in abuse.  I thought it would be more fun being poor.  Seeing it from my characters perspective in self-interest of course, although I covered that up with the 'caring person' character.  And so I assumed the role of the good and faithful servant of god, partly to alleviate the tremendous guilt I had.  I was very naive, believing all the prophecies people would tell me about myself, believing myself to be 'special' and 'chosen' by god for a great purpose... lol.  It all sounded very cool... What a sucker I was.  I really had it coming.

As for other goals that I had, they were minor, and the choices I made simply did not turn out in my favor, and I did allow fears to get the best of me. Sure I regret many things and would have done things differently.  Regret however is useless, as is disappointment, and hope.


The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. Ten of Swords (Ruin): Crushing defeat brought about by idle intellectualism divorced from reality. Sadness and desolation in the aftermath of a catastrophic and total collapse. A decisive conclusion brought about through the swift and merciless application of overwhelming force.

When the money runs out, as it most assuredly will, this is the future we all face.  Just look around. Does the world care about homeless or starving people?  Clearly not.  Charity is a pathetic excuse. The only ones that are protected are the ones who are in positions of authority, given value by corporations and a corrupt system.  If people in the world actually cared, Desteni would have had a million followers by now, and we would be on our way to transforming the world.  Looks like the only way we will realize is the hard way. 




The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.

Oh yes the excuse that I'm taking on the weight of the world.  If everyone pitched in just a little bit we could actually do something.  The fears really have people in a stranglehold.  We face them all eventually, and the consequences, so I don't see the point in putting it off... comfort disappears very quickly.


The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Three of Wands (Virtue), when reversed: Pride and arrogance. Convincing oneself that the ends justify the means. A great act of betrayal set in motion. Sinking to the level of an opponent. The vain quest for glory and a personal spotlight. Charity or friendship offered with intent of material gain.


The Pride character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud in thinking that I am special in any way, in that I think I am better than anyone because I realize and understand Equality.  I realize that it is not just understanding, but actual application of myself in taking responsibility to become life and live what is best for all absolutely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could change the world, when actually fear is far more prevalent and ingrained in the minds of people than I had considered, so much that people cannot even take a stand on Equality one way or the other, in fear of stepping out of character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character William, to think that I have achieved anything to be proud of, when there is absolutely nothing in this world or all of existence to be proud of.  All is a Shameful, Fear-filled Disgrace of Life and a Lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of arrogance, wherein I believed the lies that everything would be ok, god would solve everything, I could just deny myself and the physical existence did not matter in the end as long as I played by god's rules, he would take responsibility for me and send all the evil people to hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe that I could do everything on my own without the help of others.  I realize that I can do many things on my own, but eventually, the system of gangs as cults of corporations, governments, businesses and families overpower through money, contracts and relationships as the spite of Life.